Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not very interested in boyfriend’s nephews and niece

199 replies

Okorning · 27/06/2020 12:33

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”. Hmm

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 27/06/2020 12:36

Yes. Stay with him and you get to keep the family.
And donating 20 quid to the art project was generous! He doesn't get to decide how you spend your money.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/06/2020 12:36

How much time are you expected to spend with them ?

TheMandalorian · 27/06/2020 12:38

Yanbu not being interested in kids or giving them money at all. I'd release the bf back into the sea because he clearly wants kids.
Although only you really know.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 27/06/2020 12:38

Why are you expected to pay for his nephew's hobby?

Splitsunrise · 27/06/2020 12:38

Got this sounds horrendous and I can’t see how it would ever get any better.

HeckyPeck · 27/06/2020 12:44

YANBU at all.

I’m with PP. This one is not a keeper. £20 “donation” so a kid that you aren’t related to can but art supplies is more than enough. How much were they expecting?!

Also different views on kids is a dealbreaker in my experience as there is no middle ground

HeckyPeck · 27/06/2020 12:44

YANBU at all.

I’m with PP. This one is not a keeper. £20 “donation” so a kid that you aren’t related to can but art supplies is more than enough. How much were they expecting?!

Also different views on kids is a dealbreaker in my experience as there is no middle ground

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/06/2020 12:44

I don't know OP but are you sure you want to be in it? When you choose a life with someone like that you will also be electing to always have to engage with it, and them, and will likely end up always forcing yourself to dedicate a chunk of all your free time to it and being someone you're not trying to please a partner who is already on your case when you drop the ball, so it will only get worse.

You get the family as well as the man with 'close' knit families and it is rarely the Waltons so much as it is an echo chamber or a clique where you get on board and do all the relevant things to please or become a bit of an enemy. I think it can be a fairly toxic environment really, it isn't about generosity or your career is it, it's about the fact you're not echoing them and taking your place in the family at the level you should be and brown nosing suitably and joining in with the women on their terms like everyone clearly wants.

£20 is more than generous as an aside, how ridiculous Confused. How long have you been with him? Does he not want kids, being so family orientated himself?

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 12:45

BF doesnt want children but sees his sister’s children as an extension of his own and, as he puts it, he gets to enjoy them without the grunt work.

They are a very close family and have traditional values. Dad brings home the bacon and mum looks after the kids sort.

BF is definitely conflicted between what he was brought up with and his own mind. We work in the same industry although I am a few levels senior so therefore earn more. Hence the £20 being “cheap” remark.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 27/06/2020 12:48

When I read the first part of your post I thought you sounded a bit mean...

But then I got to the bit where your bf’s relatives are giving you a hard time about being a career girl. They sound a bunch of regressive nightmares and I don’t blame you.

I used to loathe that thing before I had my DD that people expect a young woman of childbearing age to want to “practice” on other people’s kids and the pressure to have kids yourself.

And the idea that it’s incumbent on you to fund little Freddy’s art projects is ridiculous. £20 is generous.

I think it depends on your bf really. If he buys into this crap I think you are going to struggle...

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 12:51

I think it depends on your bf really. If he buys into this crap I think you are going to struggle...

That’s part of the issue I think. BF is conflicted between what his parents have indoctrinated v his own life experiences and ideas.

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 27/06/2020 12:53

Run. Save yourself!

This family is overly involved with each other, judgemental and they are already feeling like they can make shitty remarks to you. This will not make you happy.

Criticising you for not paying enough (in their weird eyes) for an art project of a nephew of your boyfriend...that is madness.

Go and be free to enjoy your lovely life the way you want to enjoy it.

Somethingkindaoooo · 27/06/2020 12:55

OP can you explain the art fund thing?
Like, this a fund that everyone in the family is exoected to contribute to?

TooTiredTodayOk · 27/06/2020 12:55

Other people's kids bore me and your donation of £20 towards a hobby was more than generous.

In answer to your question, yes the relationship is doomed. You should have dumped him at the point he "had a go" at you for being cheap, the cheeky twat.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 27/06/2020 12:57

The child's parents should pay for its hobbies - totally unreasonable expecting you to.
If BF wants to support/give - up to him, but if they ever ask you again, I'd tell them to get lost based on the response to a generous £20.

LadyPrigsbottom · 27/06/2020 13:00

He had a go at you over THAT? Yanbu, but he sounds worse than his parents tbh. Unless they have had a go at you too of course. It's normal for gps to bang on about their gc. I also had to go through a similar thing with sil's dcs, before we had ours. Nod and smile, be polite as you have been doing. That is exactly right. If my now DH had had a go at me for not being supportive enough even when I went to parties, bought presents, donated money, nodded, smiled etc, I would honestly have run for the hills!

LunchBoxPolice · 27/06/2020 13:00

I wouldn’t have donated anything to his art fund Hmm it’s your boyfriend’s nephew so it’s up to him to donate if he wants to.

LadyPrigsbottom · 27/06/2020 13:01

What a twat. Sorry, just had to add that, as the more I think about it, the more annoying this is.

Patch23042 · 27/06/2020 13:02

They may be a little envious of you, hence the snide. Ignore it.

It sounds as if they are ambitious for “Esme” which is a positive thing.

Also, lots of my childless-by-choice friends are hands-on with their siblings’ and best mates’ kids for the reason your partner describes. That’s not so unusual.

I don’t think that you should end an otherwise good relationship. Just remain confident in your choices, ignore the nonsense and be as supportive of the children as you want to be.

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 13:02

I wish it was as easy as that though winterwoolies

Bf is a good guy and his family, despite these issues, are basically nice people. They just view my way of life as too grand for the likes of them and, I think, his mother worries that I’m influencing her son to live beyond his means. She got terribly upset recently when she discovered he was paying £1500 a month in rent but to be honest, that is pretty average if not on the low side for zone 1/2 London.

I recently heard his sister jokingly calling him “Harry” on a zoom call which pissed me off because my of the obvious reference to Harry and Meghan. But he laughed it off and said his sister was only joking and that she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. I bit my tongue so not to have a row but I thought it was definitely not a joke.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanketyBlank · 27/06/2020 13:03

If they were his kids then I'd say you were slightly being U but niece and nephew? No.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/06/2020 13:03

Yes Smile a bit

Mainly because it will grate more and more and more

Chickoletta · 27/06/2020 13:04

They all sound awful - I can’t see a future in this for you, sorry.

PJ6M · 27/06/2020 13:05

A spoiled little 10 year old needs donations for an art project?!?! What's he doing, building a bloody cathedral?

If I gave them £20 for such a ridiculous reason and they complained that it wasn't enough i'd tell them to give my fucking £20 back.

Although, if I was access to donate money for their child's amusement, I probably would have told them fuck off in the first place...

You're very polite to call then simply tiresome. They sound like tedious, entitled wank stains to me.

NataliaOsipova · 27/06/2020 13:05

They asked you to give money for the child’s hobby? And baulked When you kindly gave £20? That’s quite something....

Plus - in the nicest possible way - why would you be that interested in other people’s kids? I think mine are the most amazing people on earth....but I wouldn’t expect my SIL to feel the same. Very odd set up.