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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not very interested in boyfriend’s nephews and niece

199 replies

Okorning · 27/06/2020 12:33

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”. Hmm

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

OP posts:
Cordial11 · 27/06/2020 13:05

They sound really annoying TBH and bloody ungrateful . £20 was more then generous.... can't believe your BF had a go? Do you want a lifetime of this nonsense ?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/06/2020 13:06

Are his family so poor they expect relatives girlfriends to pay for the nephews hobby, or are they just cf?

I think if you can't get "into". their way of doing things this will always come between you or you'll slowly Leaver him away from them and then he'll want his own kids as he'll have lost his proxy kids or he'll resent you.

I think big chat and if nothing changes...

LadyPrigsbottom · 27/06/2020 13:07

Omg just saw your update Shock! They do not sound very nice tbh and he is not backing you up. You are right, that is not expensive for london rent at all. I love Meghan Markle, but using "Harry" as an insult is really unpleasant as everyone knows what they implies Angry.

TheresABearInThere · 27/06/2020 13:08

He sounds a bit dreary and his family ... they’d become your family too which wouldn’t be a big deal EXCEPT that your BF seems to think you should modify your behaviour to suit them. Bleh.

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 13:08

It sounds as if they are ambitious for “Esme” which is a positive thing.

I hope so too. Although I do get the feeling that if she really did decide in the long distant future to leave their cosy village in pursuit of a career over settling down and children, many tears and arguments may take place.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 27/06/2020 13:09

Stay with him and you get to keep the family.

And this is spot on....

mornington444 · 27/06/2020 13:09

The response of parents and grandparents is their opinion, and you are not in a relationship with them. Unfortunate if you don't get on with a boyfriend's family, but manageable I would think.

His response re children's talents suggests the relationship is going nowhere though, and perhaps the pain of ending it now might be justifiable.

PAND0RA · 27/06/2020 13:10

You don’t sound very compatible.

His family will never accept you completely or respect who you are and your life choices.

And I bet he will change his mind about having kids later and start to pressurise you.

Also why are you buying gifts and making donations for his family ? Does he buy Gifts for your family from you both ?

Whatifitallgoesright · 27/06/2020 13:10

How often are you required to see them?

GreenOlivesinGin · 27/06/2020 13:11

I would have a serious, open discussion with him about it. Not in a way that is judgemental of his family and their choices (and in no way should it sound critical of his mother and sister) but factual. It should be less about his family and more about your priorities, how you both want to live your life and spend your time together. If you cannot have that discussion, or if you disagree on fundamental things, then the relationship is probably doomed. If you are on the same page, then it might be difficult but could be workable.

Gogogadgetarms · 27/06/2020 13:11

@PJ6M

A spoiled little 10 year old needs donations for an art project?!?! What's he doing, building a bloody cathedral?

If I gave them £20 for such a ridiculous reason and they complained that it wasn't enough i'd tell them to give my fucking £20 back.

Although, if I was access to donate money for their child's amusement, I probably would have told them fuck off in the first place...

You're very polite to call then simply tiresome. They sound like tedious, entitled wank stains to me.

This 👆
AnneOfCreamCables · 27/06/2020 13:12

It's not going to work. You have different attitudes to spending time with family, engaging with DCs and spending money. One of those could scupper a relationship. With all three, I don't think you can make this work.

Shutupyoutart · 27/06/2020 13:12

I was prepared to tell you you were being unreasonable till I read your full post. You weren't obligated to give anything and I think 20euro is pretty generous and he's down right cheeky to call you cheap! you can spend your money whatever way you like. The snarky comments are not nice either how would they feel if you belittled them for their choice to be sahms. I wouldn't say it was doomed but if you both want different things then maybe best to part ways now. You say he doesn't want kids but what would happen if he changed his mind a few years down the line? Ive always wanted kids and tbh if dh hadn't I don't know where we would be now. Sounds like you need to have a serious think about it. Good luck op. X

GinnieHempstock · 27/06/2020 13:12

I have three wonderful children, they are going to change to world and the best thing ever...to me.
I don’t expect anyone else to feel like that and neither do I feel like that about anyone else’s children, including my nieces and nephews.
So YANBU and I fear this relationship won’t last if your boyfriend and his family think you should feel differently.

Elsewyre · 27/06/2020 13:13

@Okorning

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”. Hmm

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

"The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. "

No they don't. That is a lunatic suggestion your choices don't suddenly delete their children or their lives.

Giespeace · 27/06/2020 13:13

So they simultaneously have their hands out looking for your cash and disrespect the fact that you decided to make a successful career instead of babies?
I’d just laugh in their faces. Twats.

Ellisandra · 27/06/2020 13:13

Openly admitting, I just here to find out what the fuck the art project fund thing was about!!! Shock

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 27/06/2020 13:14

Yes. It's doomed. You don't share the same interests. (I find it hard when people just witter on about their perfectly average exceptional kids too. It just gets boring when they talk of nothing else. Your bf"s interest in them will become tedious if you don't feel the same. It will become more of a contentious issue between you.

Your bf doesn't get to choose what you spend your money on. Just because you can afford more doesn't mean you should spend more, especially as it is something you aren't interested in. If his family are disappointed you didn't give more, they should keep their mouths shut, smile and say 'thank you'.

viques · 27/06/2020 13:15

If you earn more thanhe does then it would make sense economically for him to be a stay at home dad after your (currently not on the cards) maternity leave. I would start squeezing this into conversations , just to test the water.........

Grin
LillianBland · 27/06/2020 13:15

What was the Harry comment about. Are you black or mixed race, or was it a class dig? Run like the wind, OP. If he’s that obsessed with pandering to his family, I guarantee he’ll change his mind about having kids, but you’ll end up with the grunt work.

saoirse31 · 27/06/2020 13:16

I dont know tbh, given the impression I got from your first post I'm wondering if they can feel a certain amount of contempt coming from you, whether real or not.

Pelleas · 27/06/2020 13:16

I couldn't be doing with that. They've decided to have the children, so they can fund their art projects themselves. Smiling and nodding along with asinine comments about how talented these children are is one thing - many parents/grandparents seem to develop fantasies about their children that they expect everyone else to share - but unless your boyfriend defends you against the sarcastic 'career woman' comments and requests to fund the children, I think it's doomed.

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 13:19

How often are you required to see them?

In normal times, every few weeks or so. To be fair they aren’t massively demanding towards me spending time with them although bf is expected to visit at least every other weekend which he resents as he doesn’t have a lot of free time also weekends are pretty sacred. During lockdown it was daily family zoom calls for a couple of weeks, gradually petering down to every other evening as bf eventually said it was stressful trying to juggle wfh with children’s bedtimes. We’re both wfh and isolating together, and it was difficult to make them, particularly his sister, to understand that working from home wasn’t a holiday.

OP posts:
morethanafortnight · 27/06/2020 13:19

Next time they make a snide remark about 'career girls' just remind them that it is your DP who doesn't want children.

LillianBland · 27/06/2020 13:19

@saoirse31

I dont know tbh, given the impression I got from your first post I'm wondering if they can feel a certain amount of contempt coming from you, whether real or not.
To be fair, if any my in-laws went on like that, they’d feel a certain amount of contempt coming from me. They sound like something out of a bad sitcom.