Not very interested in boyfriend’s nephews and niece

[Okorning]

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”.

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

I dont think I'd like to be involve with a family that asks for donations towards their childrens hobbies!!! No one ever paid for my kids gymnastic lessons! Fancy saying your £20 donation is mean! That's so grabby and insulting. Think I would rethink the relationship based on his family.

When I first met my dh, his nephews were the best advert for contraception you could ever get 😁

I will say now that they grew up to be lovely!

Booo to art fund secrecy!

Tell you what else I wouldn't be doing, I wouldn't be buying presents AND contributing to art funds. One or the other.

OP, no-one can tell you if this relationship is right because we can't understand the impact his family has on your everyday life. What i will say though is stick to your boundaries. I don't do any of the wifework when it comes to DH's family, so birthday cards don't get bought and it's usually dec 23rd before anyone gets invited over for Christmas. I am completely comfortable that he is responsible for his family and I'm responsible for mine. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker but you have to be strong and set boundaries you re comfortable with.

There is a bit of an incompatibility in outlook here that could be tricky to navigate. I don't think it's a deal breaker, on its own. What you do need to look out for is your boyfriend's reactions to you laying down boundaries. Does he back you up, back them up or say nothing? If he says nothing, what's his body language like? Is he looking like he wishes the floor would swallow him up because he is merely trying to avoid confrontation or does he appear to be thinking Okorning can handle this, so best to let her get on with it?

He sounds too involved with his family tbh.
I suppose if he was willing to change it might be ok, and he needs to put his foot down, with them.
Has he said he doesn't want kids?

You could always circumvent the whole family and actually talk to the kids about what they’re interested in. Privately.

But the point is OP isn’t interested - how will that help?

OP - I started a thread earlier in the week asking whether it was worth staying with someone when you don’t get on with the in-laws. The general consensus was if your partner doesn’t back you up you’re in for a world of nonsense.

Personally I wouldn’t get serious with someone if I didn’t feel able to get on with their family.

I wouldn’t even put a twenty quid ‘donation’ in my own child’s art fund.

And, yeah, he needs to buy his own presents.

Ask him - does he want to stay wrapped in the bosom of his family, or have a life with you and keep them at a friendly, dignified, non-claustrophobic distance?

I get the feeling that calling him Harry and thus implying you are Meghan is the modern version of calling someone "Yoko"

They are clearly one of those overly enmeshed insular families.

Run like the wind.

Fuck that. One of the (many) reasons I split up with an ex was because he HAD to spend every Saturday night at his mum's so he could see his niece and nephew; this was non negotiable despite the fact he freely admitted he could see them any other night. I was working in a shop at the time so I rarely had weekends off so this wasn't a problem most of the time but no fucking way was I spending my rare Saturday nights off work gazing adoringly at his niece while she played games on his phone.

This really got me:

During lockdown it was daily family zoom calls for a couple of weeks

Oh no OP, fuck this. You’re young and successful. Don’t EVER feel you need to apologise for that.

These people are not your people x

I wouldn’t even put a twenty quid ‘donation’ in my own child’s art fund. grin

😂😂😂

I don’t understand why you assume the women are somehow threatened by you? Why would you assume that? There is room in the world for us all to make the choices we want and live with them. Sure, they may not understand why you don’t want children or choose to pursue a career but that’s not the same as finding you threatening. Are you sure you are not somehow threatened by their choices? Maybe rather than them viewing you as too grand you view them as beneath you? It is OK to be traditional, to be shocked at London rent prices and want your grandchildren to be amazing artists.

And I say all that as someone who would be described as a career woman.

An art fund? WTF! I wouldn’t have contributed at all.

It sounds like they are jealous you earn decent money but also want you to be their cash cow.

The in laws wouldn’t bother me if the boyfriend had my back. Yours doesn’t though, which is a shame.

Sounds like you and his family don't get along and aren't compatible.

That in itself isn't a massive issue, but his response to it is. If he isn't on your side then it will never work.

My family are absolutely awful. I won't go into detail but they have substance abuse issues and my childhood was pretty horrible. I was petrified of my now DH meeting them. So much so that I put it off for over 2 years... and when he finally met them they were dreadful, as predicted. But I stood up for my DH. I didn't sit quietly while they treated him badly and when it all went too far I stood up and declared that we were leaving because of their awful behaviour. I have always stood up for him and done my best to shield him from their shit. I have almost no contact with them now. It's just occasional WhatsApp messages.

I know that these people aren't being abusive, but I think the point still stands - my DH is fine with my family because I am on his side and I don't put up with them treating him badly. If your boyfriend isn't on your side then his family will eat you alive and the relationship won't work. It will always be difficult.

In a close knit family, I can see that an auntie seeming indifferent would be hard. If you are a long term partner they will see you as an auntie. Your partner is sort of in the middle here. I wonder if in reality you want different things from life? Nothing wrong with that, but perhaps better to work that out sooner rather than later. Have a proper conversation with him about it.

InfiniteGerbils completely agree.

Run like the wind, if you have ambitions go for it and don’t let his family hold you back or put you ‘in your place’. You are not compatible, it’s that simple. Doesn’t mean they are bad people just not your people like InfiniteGerbils says.

It’s doomed.Find someone with less family.

I had a boyfriend who completely lost his rag with me because I hadn’t bought his daughter a birthday present. Except
a) I didn’t know it was her birthday,
b). Her teenage allowance was more than I have left after bills each month
c) she hadn’t said thank you for any of the Xmas presents I had bought her.

Some families are stupidly indulgent about their children and it’s too much after a while.

If they are a family with traditional values your boyfriend presumably believes in marriage and does not care enough for you to marry you. The nephews and nieces are not your problem. Your relationship is.

(I don’t think this is about money... they shouldn’t ask for it obviously, but I think it’s about the value they perceive you place on them or lack thereof)

Since you phrased it as 'we're isolating together' I'm going to assume you don't actually live together.

You do realize that they're 'ramping it in' right now, don't you? You're 'only' the gf. The pressure you feel now, the remarks and expectations they express now, will be nothing compared to the pressure that would be applied should you marry this man, or even start living together.

Based on what you've said about him somewhat 'toeing the line' with this family, I'm willing to bet he's going to expect you to toe it too, once you are his wife. He's going to expect you (at the very least) to 'keep the peace'. Look at the dynamics between his mum and dad. That is the relationship he will most likely expect to emulate to some extent in his own marriage.

And as far as 'not wanting DC', I wouldn't bet on it. Easy for him to say now, but unless he's absolutely adamant once he's married that will change. And when I say 'adamant' I mean he gets the snip to prevent having children. Eventually DN & DN will begin to 'pull away' from the family as all DC do when their friends become their focus. And then the family, especially, his parents, will begin looking to their son for 'replacements'.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him about what you expect for yourself in future. And what you'd expect from him. And to me that means he tells his family to 'back off' with their comments and expectations, that you aren't going to be so 'all in' with DN & DN.

One other thing, and I this is just food for thought. There are many women who don't really want children yet they have them to please their DH, thinking "Oh, he wants one so badly, what's the big deal it'll be fine he'll share the load". And then a few years down the road, for one reason or another a divorce happens. Guess who ends up being the 'full time' parent and who swans off to become the 'Disney parent' every other weekend?

As the years pass and you get more successful, promotions, higher salary etc, the boredom with his niece & nephew will increase, and there will be a greater divide between his family's expectations of you, and your own sense of personal achievement.

I think this could be extremely tiresome for you, as you will never be the kind of daughter in law they yearn for. It will inevitably cause increasing tensions between you and your partner.

I'd say run for the hills now, and find someone who appreciates you as you are.

( Not happy with £20 for a kid's "Art Fund" they must be joking! Think how much sticky backed plastic £20 would buy! )

It's not really about the art fund. It's about OP finding her bf's family tedious and then projecting that they resent her choices. OP's carrying a lot of chips about how people view her lifestyle. Rather than owning the fact that if you're completely disinterested in anyone else's life or in your bf's family, then they are going to pick up on it.

My DH has 5 nephews and nieces and I have 4. We're both jointly uncle and auntie, as we've been married for 17 years. I love giving them Christmas and birthday pressies; I take cate of buying pressies for my family and my DH buys pressies for his. (Although I did use to buy pressies for his 2 nieces, as he didn't really have a clue about what to buy for girls. )

But if I was accused of being tight for 'only' donating £20 to an art fund, I wouldn't be impressed. (And actually my BIL and SIL would never dream of asking for this.) So I would be very pissed off if that happened, as it's actually very grabby behaviour. I'm involved in fund raising for a charity and any donations are supposed to be entirely up to the person donating as to how much.

Long-term I don't honestly see how your relationship will work, as you both appear to have very different expectations when it comes to family. (Although obviously only time will tell.)