Not very interested in boyfriend’s nephews and niece

[Okorning]

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”.

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

Thanks @jessstan2, I'll need help as I am useless at anything arty or crafty. I am sure money will help me improve

winniestone37

"This is being in a relationship- accepting their families too or at the least turn up and be nice. Smile, nod be a nice person. He is probably doing the same about your boring family. If you don’t want that be single!!!!"

You're completely missing the point: the OP is smiling, nodding and being a nice person. She's gone out of her way to do so.

But his family seem to have taken umbrage at the fact that she has a career and the fact that she hasn't embraced his niece and nephew to the same degree that their own parents have. They clearly disapprove of her lifestyle and seem to think that the relationship will only work if they rope her into this very old-fashioned worldview.

If the boyfriend can't step up and defend her right to be independent and make decisions about her own life, the relationship is doomed.

What did you say when your bf had a go at you about your contribution? I’d have dumped him then. If my husband wanted to donate to a niece or nephew he’d do it on both our behalf, not expect me to cough up as well. When he was telling me what he and his family thought of my £20 contribution I’d have told him what I thought of the constant pecking and criticism from his family and I’d tell him that it was putting a black cloud over your relationship/future. And I wouldn’t be visiting any more! I really couldn’t be arsed with a backward and demanding in laws, if my boyfriend couldn’t step away a bit more I’d be gone.

YANBU.

I believe the relationship CAN work if you set very clear nonnegotiable boundaries.

A whole row erupted in my family because I wouldn’t take annual leave from work to attend my brother in laws kids first birthday. At that point I set VERY clear boundaries. My boundaries have been respected and it works for all parties.

Honestly, if they are like this now it will only get worse by the sounds of things!
Does your b/f want children? If he does and you don't then there won't be a big future for you both. If you stay with him his family will only pressure you to have them I would imagine. He may start feeling he wants children. It feels doomed really to me, but only you can decide if staying with him is worth all the family hassles and he does sound very close to them all.
It Might be worth asking him what he wants from the relationship!

Children (even other people's) can be interesting and bring out the best in you

Yes, well, Civil War reenactment can be very interesting and might bring out the best in me. But I'm not interested in it, and listening politely on occasion is all any sane person would ask. Children are not some sort of communal moral good that everyone, but especially women (strangely enough) are obliged to contribute to. If OP makes the right interested noises at family events and coughed up £20 for this bloody fund (also want to know what it is!), she's done more than enough.

OP I think there are two possibilities here. One is that he's genuinely moved away from his family's way of life and values and will make his own life in another direction. The other is that he is playing with "rebellion" and will migrate overtly back to their values, fully and tacitly expecting that any permanent relationship or marriage will be based on the values and gender roles of his family of origin and not his current lifestyle. It kind of seems to me that the latter is likely. Be honest with yourself - are those values just plain incompatible with yours?

And what is this fund?! It would be one thing if this was a genuine child prodigy artist who was living on a sink estate and whose parents and school couldn't afford to fund their basic art supplies. But this family sound like sharp-elbowed middle class types... What on earth are they expecting people to fund in the hundreds of pounds range for an averagely talented 10yo. A Grand Tour of the galleries of Europe?

Fucking hell dump him.

As PPs say, a key issue seems to be whether you and your boyfriend are on a similar page as regards DC.

Your BF was U to have a go with you about the (generous!) donation. HE wishes to spend lots of time with his sibling and their partner and DC: doesn’t mean you have to! The adults sound tedious. It also sounds like your BF wants a GF who genuinely enjoys - or is willing to pretend to enjoy - spending time with this family.

You could reduce your contact with his family, and refuse to engage in any discussions with them about your choices about DC, your boyfriend’s finances, housing choices etc.

The hills are that way➡️➡️➡️

SeagoingSexpot

"Yes, well, Civil War reenactment can be very interesting and might bring out the best in me. But I'm not interested in it, and listening politely on occasion is all any sane person would ask."

Nailed it. Why are women expected to automatically be interested in kids just because they are women? Kids can be charming or they can be an utter pain in the arse, depending on the kids and your relationship to them.

My ex's relatives (who were very traditional) used to dump me in a room with his brother's kids for hours and expect me to find them rapturously exciting, despite the fact that a) I'd never met them before and b) we didn't speak the same language.

As far as I know no part of the X chromosome dictates an obligation to be enthralled by children. Especially other people's.

Isn't 'grinning and bearing' the OH's family a big part of many relationships? I wouldn't suggest your relationship is doomed especially if your BF 'truly' doesn't want kids. However children are dangerous territory, no matter what your relationship with their parents!

£20 to a 10 yr old for a non birthday/Xmas/Easter occasion etc is generous as a child of that age should be encouraged to work (good grades and chores) and save his pocket/gift money for his hobby or 'art'! Unless the child feels under pressure to perform to his family he's likely to change hobbies a few more times by the time he's 18!

Possibly his family have decided that their child artist isn't as academic ∴ won't be as successful as Esme so are pushing him towards 'the arts' (could have been sports). This is dodgy ground in terms of a child's development and I don't believe the wider /extended family should be involved in this 'encouragement'.

I'd tell the BF that £20 for a child's hobby is good enough, that the child should be encouraged to develop and invest in his hobby/interests/skills in his own way /time. You could gift cash for birthdays etc in future and if he does miraculously become an adult artist, you could consider investing in his art studio!

If he doesn't want kids why doesn't he tell his family that instead of letting him think he is being denied children by a career minded girlfriend?
He has shown in several ways that he wont stand up to them and will side with them against OP.

Funny they slag you off for being a ‘career woman’ but want their DD to be pm!!

It is probably a trip abroad to look at art galleries or something. I did one of those when I was a kid.

randomchatter, it sounds as if the OP is grinning and bearing the 'in-laws', (I know they arent actually in-laws, but just using short hand). But her delight of a bf is having a go at her for doing what most of us do - nod, smile, be polite, grin and bear. He seems to think that isn't enough. I would definitely be reconsidering the relationship and I'm not usually of the LTB in an instant persuasion.

This sounds fucking awful!
Nighty zoom calls that don’t clash with children’s bed times (not even his children).
Paying towards children’s ‘art funds’ when they’re not even your kids, nor your blood relatives.
Having your generous contribution being made to feel it wasn’t enough (I would have volunteered towards it in the first place).
If they have had their children, they should be funding their future!
I save for my children, I don’t expect anyone else to do it!!!
You must have a lot of tolerance- I’d have packed up and left a long time ago!
People think families like this are lovely and close. I think they invade each other’s privacy and don’t let their children/siblings orchestrate their own lives.
This would be my worst nightmare for in-laws!!

Totally doomed.

1. a present is a present, it should never be about the amount so they clearly have an insight to your finances and that's just ick.

2. he has the same mindset as them so if you're not wild about them, you will start to feel the same way about him soon.

You sound fab.... move on to pastures new and someone who likes you the way you are.

I went out with someone with children and I couldn’t bare it. I couldn’t stand them and I have 6 children of my own. We love our own children, not many people like other people’s kids from what I’ve heard and we can’t make ourselves be interested in them. My partner now doesn’t have any children except for with me thank god. He hasn’t even got nieces and nephews but his brothers and sisters have seen our children twice in two years and that’s fine by me. I don’t even see my own nieces. Life’s too busy. Take care of your own people. There nothing in your life I presume so the fact the stupid parents think they should be is weird.

Run. They all sound a bit mad....

I love my nephews and nieces, and I have nine of them. I don't see them a lot because their families live in other parts of the country. It depends on the relationship you have with your sibling whose children they are, I think. I'm very close to my DSis and my DH is close to his DB. I struggle with his SIL at times, as we're very different people, but they have my DDs for sleepovers, which gives my DH and I a chance to have weekends away together occasionally.

It benefits children to have good relationships with their cousins, so, as I see it, it benefits them for me to get on with my SIL, even if we disagree on almost every issue we discuss (although we're both Christians).

Just a different perspective.

What does your bf think? The partner attitude is important. But yes, the family dont go anywhere.

Children (even other people's) can be interesting and bring out the best in you

They, especially other people's, can also be irritating, boring and annoying.

Being a woman doesn't mean you automatically have to be fascinated by every child you meet. I can't stand most of them 🤷

Mittens030869 Your perspective is based on the benefits to your children and their cousins here. How is that relevant to the OP?

The actual kids here are a distraction from the real issue: the expectations and behaviour of his family and how he deals with that.