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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not very interested in boyfriend’s nephews and niece

199 replies

Okorning · 27/06/2020 12:33

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”. Hmm

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 27/06/2020 13:21

It’s also quite bizarre that, having no interest in having his own kids, he expects you to feel the same level of investment in his niece and nephew.

As you say, he seems to be very torn between the 1950s set up he comes from and the world the pair of you occupy and it’s odd that he hasn’t been able to make peace with it.

I think you can say quite reasonably that he needs to accept that while you like his niece and nephew he can’t expect you to feel as emotionally invested as he and his family are.

And as for the clucking hens with their “career girl” comments yes they are certainly envious.

Gulabjamoon · 27/06/2020 13:22

It sounds like they think as you don’t have kids you should lavish money and gifts on the other kids in the family.

What’s more, the more you give to these type of people the more they feel entitled. They will not be grateful and will expect more.

Leave presents and cards etc to BF. Don’t take on the ‘wifework’.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 27/06/2020 13:22

This is nuts. I wouldn't go to parties or buy presents - and I like kids (generally). It's one of the things that drives me mad; that women are expected to do this kind of shit once they are with a man.

If it was reversed - and you were a doting auntie - would bf be expected to thrill to every story of your sister's offspring, fall over backwards to turn up at kids parties and choose and buy presents that were seen as generous and showing an in depth knowledge of their current interests? I think not!

Again - would he be castigated for having a professional and well paid career? Nope.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him along the lines of I'm actually very bored by your nieces and nephews and they are nothing to do with me. You crack on, but don't expect me to come to things and fawn over them.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2020 13:23

It reads to me like you’ve very judgemental of them and look down on them for their life choices op.

I think this is going to cause significant resentment at some point.

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 13:24

Your bf"s interest in them will become tedious if you don't feel the same. It will become more of a contentious issue between you.

True. This is part of my question about whether IABU not to fake take more interest in his sister’s children.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/06/2020 13:25

Loving the fact that you're resented for your job yet they're happy to take your cash for art funds.

Although I'm just posting in the hopes OP comes back and explains what the art fund actually is.

PJ6M · 27/06/2020 13:26

No you aren't. When was the last time he donated £20 to your familys art projects?

I think we all know the answer to that one...

SisterAgatha · 27/06/2020 13:26

Wow for a moment I thought you were my SIL! My IL’s are exactly as you describe and it’s exhausting. I was actually pleased for the lockdown, it made life easier. Yanbu!!!

istheresomethingishouldknow · 27/06/2020 13:26

You say your BF doesn't want children. But has he fully owned that with his family, as in not been wishy-washy about it with them or let them think it's you that has made the no children decision.

and for someone who claims he doesn't want children, he seems overly invested in his sister's children and his parents dictates as to how everyone in the extended family should be supporting them through whatever means they deem necessary.

I'd think long and hard about staying with someone who wasn't being firm with his own family about his chosen lifestyle (living in London, spending his own money, not wanting children) and standing up for his partner as opposed to throwing you under the bus for not choosing to spend more of your money on one of his nephews/nieces. For paint.

LadyPrigsbottom · 27/06/2020 13:27

But, why would you fake it just to fit in with what your bf wants? If he doesn't like you for who you REALLY are and shares your TRUE values...I mean, why cling on to this? Because, I remember what hard work some of my in-laws were in the past and the only thing that made me not flee was that DH completely respected my position. Which was much like yours; be polite.

BlueJava · 27/06/2020 13:28

His family seem way too involved for you to be comfortable. To me some of the things you describe (£20 donation, daily zoom calls, visits every other weekend) are way over the top. Let alone the snarky comments (of course the "Meghan" thing was a pop at you not a joke). I think you have to seriously reconsider the relationship - I don't seem him changing (and if he's happy why should he). Perhaps you should be pleased your eyes have been opened and leave. It would drive me bonkers so you aren't unreasonable in my view.

TheShepherdsCrown · 27/06/2020 13:29

It’s not up to you to fund the child’s hobby. And gifts should just be that. Something freely and willingly given. They aren’t taxes despite the BF’s arrogant assumption that you are expected to subsidise his judgmental family’s ambitions for the boy. I’d seriously have ripped the BF a new one for his comment. If you stay with this man you will be stuck with this family. I honestly would suggest you move on.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/06/2020 13:29

“could clearly afford more”
Wow. That is beyond snide of them. They think they have the right to dictate how you spend YOUR money?

Yes, your relationship is doomed - because he does not have your back. He resents being expected to spend alternate weekends with them, but still feels he can expect you to prioritise these children? He's not a keeper.

Original poster
Okorning · 27/06/2020 13:30

Although I'm just posting in the hopes OP comes back and explains what the art fund actually is.

Ha ha! Grin

Sorry, I would post it if it wasn’t so outing! But I will say that the goal amount is hundreds of pounds so my £20 barely scratched the sides.

OP posts:
redwoodmazza · 27/06/2020 13:31

I HATE other people's children OP! I feel your pain...

SusieOwl4 · 27/06/2020 13:31

I don’t see it as something to break up over , but just make 100% sure your partner does not want children in the future , because that’s where your breaking point might be . He will have to make it clear to the family because otherwise you are going to get the blame.,

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 27/06/2020 13:32

BF is definitely conflicted between what he was brought up with and his own mind

Well this is the crux of it. If you and he want the same thing, and he will have your back if his family disagree, then the relationship can work. If not, it will be difficult for you as his family will probably blame you for not having kids, for him not seeing them enough, everything.

From the sounds of it he isn't backing you up, criticising you for only giving £20.

LadyPrigsbottom · 27/06/2020 13:34

It isn't necessarily something to break up over, but I would absolutely NOT be faking an interest, beyond politeness, just to convince this guy to stay with me. Not a chance. I think the op needs to stand her ground and he will either adjust or he won't. In which case, then yes, I would break up.

YinuCeatleAyru · 27/06/2020 13:34

Other people's kids are boring. And even though my own DC clearly lovely and wonderful, I don't expect others to agree. Any girlfriend of my brother who happened to choose to donate £1 or £2 to a DC project is being kind and generous. £20 would be embarrassingly over-generous in my books. I think you need to let your BF know that his family are too much for you and if he wants to keep the relationship going he will need to start being a buffer between you and their unreasonable demands.

sonjadog · 27/06/2020 13:36

Tell us more about the art project. How much did the others invest in it? What is he going to do with the money?

timetest · 27/06/2020 13:36

£20 for a kid’s art project isn’t enough? Ditch them.

SummerHouse · 27/06/2020 13:37

I just read the whole thread hoping for more info on the art fund damnit.

Nitpickpicnic · 27/06/2020 13:37

You could always circumvent the whole family and actually talk to the kids about what they’re interested in. Privately.

Sounds like everyone there is too caught up planning their futures, virtue signalling and keeping score on who’s spending what on the kids’ behalf. Would be kinda cool to floor them all next time with a calm but pointed ‘Esme really prefers astronomy, so I brought her a voucher for the planetarium. She doesn’t like to broadcast it, but it’s interesting what kids will come out with when you care to listen, isn’t it?’

You’ll only need to do this a couple of times before they all leave you alone, I’ll wager.

1WildTeaParty · 27/06/2020 13:41

Missing the point as usual:

What about Esme's 'being Prime Minister' fund? Did they all contribute to that? As a confirmed career girl, I imagine that would be more your thing :)

1WildTeaParty · 27/06/2020 13:43

(I might be willing to contribute to that fund myself - we could do with a fresh view on how to run things.)