Not very interested in boyfriend’s nephews and niece

[Okorning]

Obviously I don’t make an issue of it. I do the polite thing and go to parties, buy then presents etc but honestly, I find them a bit of a bore.

Actually it’s not so much the children but the parents and grandparents that I find tiresome. The constant “Oh isn’t Esme so clever. One day she’s going to be prime minister and show us all how it’s done” this said in absolute seriousness. And “Freddy is going to be a great artist one day (because he painted a dog that was definitely average for a 10yo). We need to nurture that.”

I just smile and nod along but recently my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”.

Neither BF or I have children. Another bone of contention with his family as I am not particularly bothered about having children. I like my life and career. The women in his family see that as a threat to their choices. Both his mum and sister’s only ambition was to marry and have children. So I get the sarky “oh you career girls” comments regularly.

Is this relationship doomed?

I think there are two separate issues here.

Firstly the grandparents interest in their grandchildren and the 'aren't they amazing' comments. This is just the way of the world, most parents and grandparents think the sun shines out of the children's arses, and to be fair its better this way than not being interested. It's nice that they are loved so much and nice your bf takes an interest in his family and doesn't expect you. Yes its extremely tedious if you arent that interested in kids. But it depends what they expect you to do. If you can get away with saying 'oh yes his pictures are lovely' and smile and nod then that's all anyone can expect as most people are aware that although their children are fascinating to them, they aren't fascinating to other people. So expecting anything other than a polite interest is unreasonable. Such as contributing to his art fund, it's just rude to demand presents of any kind. 20 quid is as much as I spend on my nephews and nieces for their birthdays.

The other stuff, comments on your personal finances, comments on your lifestyle, your choices on having children etc are really unreasonable. Not any of their business. And if they wanted their son to settle down local to them and have lots of children that's still no reason to speak to you as presumably he has a choice in how he lives etc. Your bf can't help what they're like but he can help his reaction to it and I'd be pissed off he wasn't asking them to stop with the comments and 'jokes'

OP,

As a PP has said, if the havings kids conversation comes up again with ILs you should say that discussion happened early on & BF has told you that he doesn't want children, not now not ever. Let them stew on that.

But separate from that, what was going on with the daily Zoom calls. Is he that involved with them ? It sounds a bit much to me...unless he really does love kids. My brothers were interested in my kids when they were young & vice versa & if there was a special event (big match, birthday etc) then of course we'd call but otherwise it was once a week, if even that!!

And it is cheeky to comment on your income or contribution. It is entirely up to you to decide what you spend your money on. Tell your BF if there are anymore remarks like that, he can keep them to himself (not pass on to you) & he should be telling them the same.

When you say you think they feel you are a bit grand for him... earn more etc. Is it just about income or are your families & backgrounds very different?? I rem when my cousin started to date a very wealthy girl from a very wealthy background, she had a flash car, clothes, bags, hair...the lot! She was very nice but in a very polished polite but aloof kind of way. As a teenager, I suppose I thought she was a bit snooty or that she looked down on us a bit & it is not a nice feeling. It took a while to see her warm & caring side & that she thought the world of him & then that was all that mattered. She is family now..different accent from the rest of us & some funny ideas about dressing for dinner & kids education 😂... but we all rub along nicely & in fact are very close. Maybe you all don't know each other well enough & they are afraid it is all very materialistic if that is all they can see. Mind you, they've no problem looking for the money for BF's DN!!

Also...if he really does like kids that much...but says he doesn't want them....be careful here OP, make sure you know his mind & your own. The whys & why nots of it all. I think alot of us know fellas who said the same only to GF/DW only to yeats later get a new 20 yr old gf & leave the 40 something year old & then have the babies. As long as you don't want the kids whether you are with or without him...

If you love him OP & he loves you & ye are both on the same page...then don't worry about the family. Join in when you must, he loves them too & they love him & that counts for alot. But tell him to shut it if there are any snidey comments as it'll do more harm (to him) than good.

I'm not really interested in my own nieces and nephews, never mind ones I am not actually related to!

Maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with your bf and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life living with his and his families attitudes, opinions etc or if you want to find someone else. Better to do it sooner rather than later imho.

most parents and grandparents think the sun shines out of the children's arses, and to be fair its better this way than not being interested.

Yes absolutly true, hard work here trying not to spoil them rotten!!

You don't sound very compatible. It was cheeky of them to ask for a donation. But it's got to be said that you do sound a bit superior looking down from your lofty heights.

Hmmm, a tough one - though some of the family's actions are clearly bonkers (demanding more than £20 for a child's art fund, whatever that is, plus the "career girls" comments), there is nothing inherently wrong with being a close family and wanting to spend time together. It is also completely natural for parents and grandparents to be excited about their children and grandchildren and to want to talk about them with their family.

On the other hand, it is also perfectly natural to find this kind of talk tiresome, especially if you do not have children and have no intention of having them. The fact is that you are not compatible - because his family and his commitments to them are part of his life, and you are not keen on either the family themselves or on how close to them you are expected to be. I think that if you stay together then resentment would grow on both sides - you say that he is torn between the way he has been brought up (i.e. the way his family want him to live) and his own thoughts and experiences (i.e. the way you want him to live) - there is no guarantee that he will pick your way in the end.

I am on the other side of a similar situation (without the art fund and weird anti-career bias!). DH's brother has a much younger girlfriend who has zero interest in his family, including our DS and DD (which is fair enough - I wouldn't have been interested in kids at her age either). However, it does mean that BIL spends far less time with us than he used to, and that he is not as close to DS as he once was, even though they adore each other. We completely understand her indifference, and don't force ourselves on them, but we are sad about the loss of closeness nonetheless.

They all sound self absorbed and insufferable!

Well the kids will grow up so that won’t be forever and you don’t want your own so there won’t be the ramped you contact and attention from them that always ensues.

Are you happy with your DP and do you love him? Does he treat you well? Are you happy with life in general and this is annoyance?

Ugh, I feel your pain! I get this with my cousins. I helped my aunt with them loads when they were children so we’re pretty close. But their children are not a huge priority for me, I wasn’t around when they were born, I don’t know them, I”m just not really interested other than I see them when I see my cousins.

I don’t see why you have to be involved. They”re no relation to you.

My impression is that unless he ever has dc of his own your bf is (willingly?) obligated to centre his sister's dc in his life & finances & that this "obligation" extends to any woman he's in a relationship with.
The vapours induced by his paying the amount of rent he does is probably because it's viewed as a scandalous waste of money when there are vital art projects to be funded. Are they expecting him to make the dc the beneficiaries of his Will? Would your worldly goods also be expected to be left to them?
It might be a good idea to have a discussion with your bf about the harm to their future self-esteem in the wider world when it clashes with the very average talents/abilities they actually have versus the unwarranted elevation they're being given within the family. While it's understandable that the parents/grandparents see their every action as indisputable signs of genius it's up to wider family to keep things grounded at least to some extent in reality.
It can be quite sad to witness that moment when such children realise that nothing they've been doing is anything to write home about & destructive if it's really been their best efforts.

You absolutely don't have to be as interested in his niece and nephew. You don't fit in with the family view. This would really grate on me.

These kids’ parents... are they the bride and groom from the cancel the cheque thread by any chance?

It’s a shame Meghan is the new Yoko. Meghan is nowhere near as interesting/weird as Yoko.

Oh God, don’t tell your brother they’re not that talented. You’ll go from being Meghan to Wallis Simpson! They’ll figure it out from their grades in secondary school.

How much involvement can you tolerate with this cloying family? Your BF seems very enmeshed with them. They don't just expect you to demonstrate a polite interest in their wonderful offspring but to gush and coo and support financially (as you're so rich!). Anything less is seen as a slight.

This could change as time goes on but it doesn't bode well. Give serious consideration as to whether this will accumulate into a massive issue which breaks you up.

@AnneOfCreamCables

It's not really about the art fund. It's about OP finding her bf's family tedious and then projecting that they resent her choices. OP's carrying a lot of chips about how people view her lifestyle. Rather than owning the fact that if you're completely disinterested in anyone else's life or in your bf's family, then they are going to pick up on it.

I agree with this. The OPs posts are dripping with judgement, she thinks she is better than them, that her choices are better and I bet they know it.

@AnneOfCreamCables

It's not really about the art fund. It's about OP finding her bf's family tedious and then projecting that they resent her choices. OP's carrying a lot of chips about how people view her lifestyle. Rather than owning the fact that if you're completely disinterested in anyone else's life or in your bf's family, then they are going to pick up on it.

This.

I’m really surprised at how this thread has gone, and it’s only this sympathetic to the OP because she’s criticised his family and on MN a man having a close family is a cardinal sin. Otherwise I’m pretty sure she’d have been flamed for her attitude, rightly or wrongly. Funny place this.

Hmm. No, it's not as easy as 'just leave' but it's a big issue brewing. Or rather it's a canary in the mine for a big issue brewing.

First - kids. You may want them eventually, so might he, you might not. But it's worth bearing in mind that over time people become more conventional not less, for want of a better word. I would say from your posts that it's really, REALLY likely that he will start not only wanting children but also having a quite fixed idea that you'd be the primary carer when you do. It's probably worth talking about more.

Secondly, the family thing is a red flag because he's expecting you to fall in with the prevailing dynamic - THEIR dynamic, not the one you create yourself for your family (even if it's just you and him, it's just as much your own unit as his sister's is). This is quite often an issue where one sibling has children and another doesn't - the one with the grandkids is the one seen as central, they create the prevailing family outlook/interests etc and the one without is seen as less adult, a satellite. I'd really push back on the art donation thing. No, it's not as important to you. Why should it be? The snarky career comments - tell him if they can't respect your choices, you won't visit with him any more. Overreacting? What does he think his sister's response would be if you jokingly put down her choices?

But doomed - hmm I think it is really. You could carry on pulling it all apart as I've done above but really it does boil down to the fact that your BF wants to align himself as a cog in the wheel of his parents' and sister's family core group instead of yours. Even subconsciously. You're not on the same page, if you were he wouldn't have even dreamed of commenting on your contribution to Little Freddy's Art Fund because it wouldn't have occurred to him that you were in any way obligated. The fact that he saw it almost as an attack on himself speaks volumes.

"I recently heard his sister jokingly calling him “Harry” on a zoom call which pissed me off because my of the obvious reference to Harry and Meghan. "

I wouldn't take that as an obvious reference to H&M though would wonder why he was referred to as 'Harry' if it is not his name.

Can you not just make it clear to the family that you are happy with your lifestyle at the moment, it's nobody else's business and constant comments are rather tiresome? I would and if they didn't modify their attitude, I'd reduce the amount of time spent with them.

Either this thread is a wind up or, or BF's family are on glue.

Op you need to have a long hard think about this relationship. My family loved each other but we didn't feel the need to "live in each others pockets" but clearly your BF's family expect to be in contact a lot and are already a bit off at you not wanting to be sucked in to their dynamic. I'd have a long conversation with your BF and set down a few boundaries, if he doesn't see things changing then I think you have your answer

OP

1. He doesn’t stand up for you
2. He has a go at you for not giving enough money
3. His mother got very upset at the amount of rent he pays
4. His mother thinks you’re influencing him to live beyond his means

5 . He doesn’t challenge his sister over the Harry remark 6 . He seems unwilling to challenge the expectation that he must visit every other weekend

1. It’s clear that his family won’t treat him as an adult

Are you, as a couple, going to address these issues? If not, then I think you know the answer.

People who see having kids as a major- and most significant achievement- in life are very tedious. Your BF has been brought un in a family culture like that so it is very likely he is going to want kids badly. It doesn't sound like you do, and there is nothing wrong with that at all, but the relationship won't weather it because there is no middle ground on that one!
BTW, I think it's totally rude they expect you to contribute towards the nephew's hoby and £20 is loads!!!

I find other people's children boring too. You're not being unreasonable but his family sound like a pain.

my boyfriend had a go at me for “not being supportive enough of the children’s talents”. All because I “only” donated £20 to Freddy’s art project fund. He and the rest of the family were disappointed at my lack of support and interest because I “could clearly afford more”

How long have you been with your bf?
Why are having to fake liking them and allowing yourself to be forced/emotionally manipulated into becoming part of their dysfunctional family?

They are not your family and you are under no obligation to make them yours just cos you're shagging your bf.

What will you do if you accidentally fall pregnant?
He will pile on the pressure for you to toe the 'family' line if you ever do....and i bet he'll sabotage things for you so you can't be as independent as yo otherwise would with a supportive partner.

This relationship IS doomed - despite him not enjoying the smothering himself, he expects you to play the part of 'dutiful woman'.....and he's only avoiding the phone calls etc cos it directly impacts him.....he's not bothered about changing the dynamics that impact on you - he needs you to deflect the expectations/responsibility onto.

@Winterwoollies

Run. Save yourself!

This family is overly involved with each other, judgemental and they are already feeling like they can make shitty remarks to you. This will not make you happy.

Criticising you for not paying enough (in their weird eyes) for an art project of a nephew of your boyfriend...that is madness.

Go and be free to enjoy your lovely life the way you want to enjoy it.

This