Sorry, took a few days to think things over. I just need to word vomit, bear with bear with.
He did tell me in March that he wasn’t happy – it was fine until lockdown hit and then he wanted to retreat more which he would have done before, but he was fine with one day at his place to unwind then 6 at mine. He could have moved out in March, as the tenant wasn’t due to move in until May but he wanted to try. Once tenant moved in, he became really withdrawn and upset that someone is living in his home…so it wasn’t ever, the convenience of staying here – he wanted to make a go of it and he has struggled with it since. He could afford to move out and rent for 6 months which he offered because I said I didn’t know if I wanted to continue in that sort of relationship. He offered to live in the spare room. He just doesn’t want to have sex, which makes sense if he’s depressed. I’ve been trying to balance being understanding of someone’s mental health with my really high sex drive. I don’t want to be selfish.
I did get angry at one point and was a bit mean to him, and he just took it. Which ended up making me feel shit.
Now he can’t retreat to anywhere other than the shed (I mean it does have a sofa) he feels quite claustrophobic. He was really excited to get married, but once he sunk into depression he decided he wouldn’t be a good husband as he can’t think about the future, he can only reflect on how he feels now. So he is saying – I don’t deserve to have someone who wants to be alone half the time and not see people, doesn’t make a good partnership. He is an introvert, he didn’t feel comfortable joining an online gaming night and talking because he didn’t know most of the players, took him a few days to warm up to speaking.
Just because I understand that and acknowledge how he feels doesn’t mean I’m excusing it because I do know what I need. I’m happy supporting someone through a rough time, I guess I can’t quite come to terms with the idea that someone doesn’t want to be supported. I think that’s what it is – he doesn’t want me to support him, he wants to get through that on his own. A couple of days after I posted my thread we talked and he cried his eyes out (he has NEVER cried in my prescence). I didn’t push anything I just said what I thought I needed. He was upset because he felt awful about how he can’t give me what I need. During all of lockdown I have given him space, I’ve gone out for a few hours so he can chill out on his own, I’ve tried to compromise so that he has that time to himself and I thought it was enough, he said he thought it was. But….it turns out he’s just really emotionally connected to his house (sounds weird). I understand why, he’s not had a very stable upbringing, distant parents – brought up by the nanny, no one has been consistent in his life and his house is the first form of stability, and he needs a day at his house to recharge. I would like to think I am stability, I’ve told him before that he has someone who loves him even when he’s in a bad mood but I think he really feels safe in his home. I have rented all my life, I don’t form attachments to houses but I haven’t ever owned a home myself. I could probably relate if I did own a home.
We also went for a walk the next day and discussed how he has had people go in and out of his life, he doesn’t feel he is attached to me in the way I am attached to him. We both love each other but I see him as a partner and want to be on the same team, but that arrangement is quite foreign to him and so there is a disparity. He’s in his mid thirties and has only had himself to rely on. I asked him what was different about being with me to his other partners, he said he’s fed up of shifting around all the time and wants to pursue something and be committed but his idea of that isn’t the same as mine. He doesn’t place importance on living together, he says we can still have domestic intimacies part time. I said I don’t want it part time. So we don’t agree on that (we didn’t argue). I said, I understand how your relationship with your parents affects you, I understand that you aren’t used to someone saying “I am here for you” consistently. He said it’s just not something he thinks he needs. I’m not sure I believe that because I think he is conflating emotional support with physical presence.
I said that his whole “if I move out and you don’t want to be with me that’s okay” is the wrong thing to say to me, it’s you having an easy get out and placing the onus on me. He disagreed but didn’t really give me a good enough reason, he does find it hard to articulate some things verbally and refers to it as “difficult questions” ie are you going to ask me another difficult question.
I’m really battling with self love and my love for him. He is a good person, all he has done is be honest with me about how he feels in the moment. He doesn’t feel like getting married right now, so he doesn’t want to get married full stop. I on the other hand, have bad days where I’m fed up with him leaving a banana skin on the side but I don’t tell him to bloody move out because of it.
I have tried to imagine myself alone, I’ve tried to imagine myself with someone else but all I see is him. All I see is us going to sleep as we usually do listening to an audio book every night. All I see is us reading books on the sofa with our feet crossed over each others in absolute silence for an hour. I cannot see him not in it. I could cope with not getting married, but I don’t know if I can cope with him moving out. That’s clearly a me issue, I have a horrible fear of rejection and that is what it feels like. But maybe I’m being melodramatic. I do understand his point of view, I do think I know why he is like that but I don’t think anything I do could change that.
His solution is we can try to move in together again in two years, but if he doesn’t want to do that in two years then have I wasted more of my life? Do I dump someone I really fucking love in the hope that in a few years I might find happiness? He is my favourite person, he is the person who has held me through horrific anxiety attacks when I had nightmares about my ex-husband. He’s also the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t want anyone else.