He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

[CockLodgerornah]

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

[Doyoumind]

Just move on. You want different things. I think it's the old he's just not that into you.

I have known several men who insisted they didn't want to live with or get married when they were with one woman and yet they went on to marry someone else a reltively short period of time after.

It's shit but you can't make him want what he doesn't want. Don't get caught up in trying to win him over. It will damage you immensely and you won't win.

[IncrediblySadToo]

You are young. Don't sacrifice a full live together relationship (and children if you want them) for these crumbs he's throwing your way.

Personally I think you should tell him to go now, it'll be awful luving as a couple until Nov, all the while knowing he's got one foot out of the door.

You ARE young (whether you feel it or not right now!) and you will meet someone else you're more compatible with.

Love does NOT conquer all, sadly.

[CockLodgerornah]

I think part of the problem is that I think I want him living with me. It could be better with him not I just don’t know. I would hate to accept it, him then move out and get dumped. But I’d also hate to dump him now and then that to be a mistake.

Unfortunately, a lot of pps are probably right about me not having much love for myself. I’ve been beaten down for years, and his love helped me a lot. However I recognise that I’m probably codependent.

He’s gone to work (nhs) for the evening so I’ll have to talk to him when he gets back. I did actually ask him if he was breaking up with me by degrees as someone else suggested but I timed that badly as he was getting his scrubs or whatever on.

With regards to him staying here for 4 months. I have no savings and honestly, it would allow me to put maybe £1000 away. So if anyone would be taking financial advantage it would be me. I’ll be a bit financially screwed for maybe 18 months as I’m paying off a loan, but after December 21 I’d be fine. So I should put that side of things to bed, so to speak, and decide if I want more than what he’s offering. I’m just struggling to reconcile the idea that someone could want to marry you, want to live with you and then change their mind and still want to be in a relationship.

He’s tried cohabiting before twice with girlfriends and it’s never worked out, he’s said he just thinks he’s meant to live alone. He needs his own space, it’s not necessarily noise but just knowing the space is only yours and he wants to be able to choose to go see someone not be forced into it because you live together. Now....I do understand all that. It’s not how I view life though

[NoMoreDickheads]

You don't want the same things. Not everyone feels this way, but you want a relationship that's 'going somewhere,' progressing. He doesn't want that so he's a waste of your time as he's not going to give you what you want.

If you're thinking you could stay with him and win him round, I don't think it'd work. And he's hurt you. xx

[FromMarch2020]

It sounds like he is using you. It's all on his terms and what he wants all the time.

My friend had a long term boyfriend who never actually moved in because he preferred to keep his own space but went to hers for meals/sex etc. Gradually she became bored since he wouldn't commit and it felt like he was using her so she ended it because all on his terms

[stealm]

He moved in in February and in March he was already saying he didn't want to get married and if he had a choice he'd move back out. He was only there a month before his doubts started to creep in. He's obviously decided this is not for him and is trying to wriggle out of the relationship in stages.
It's now June and he says he's definitely decided he doesn't want to get married and is going to move out in November. Cheeky bastard. He's already had 3 months since March living with you when he clearly doesn't want to. He's just using you so he doesn't have to rent somewhere until his tenant moves out.
Tell him it's over, you're not compatible, you want different things and he needs to move out as of X date. Where he goes is not your problem.

IME if you've been engaged and then one of the parties says they don't want to get married, the whole thing is basically over. If you let him stay, he'll move out in November and in December he'll tell you it's not working for him and he doesn't want to be in the relationship at all.

I don't know what you want in your life but at the age of 31 perhaps you want a family in the future or to live with someone etc. Get rid of him and find someone who wants the same things as you.
I know that some people do make a success of living apart together but that doesn't sound as if it would suit you.
If you were 50 or so (with bringing up a family behind you etc), and embarking on a new ltr after a first marriage then maybe it could work well.

Get rid of him now and spend some time thinking about what you want in life.

[THEDEACON]

He needs to move out NOW you are just being a mug letting him stay until then don't waste any more time on this man Get rid and move on

[Thinkingabout1t]

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I would say to let him go and move on. But just one thing - lockdown is a very strange time, and puts huge strain on any relationship. I would go on seeing him (if you want to) until a few months have passed. Then maybe give cohabiting another try if you both want to?

If he doesn't want to try again in more normal circumstances, then he's definitely out. I wouldn't continue with someone who wants to live alone if I want to live together. You've got plenty of time to find someone who shares your hopes. I'm just thinking lockdown put too much strain on a very new relationship, when you'd only been living together a month.

Best of luck, OP. I hope things work out well, with him or with someone else.

[MashedPotatoBrainz]

I’m just struggling to reconcile the idea that someone could want to marry you, want to live with you and then change their mind and still want to be in a relationship.

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He wants out but is too cowardly to say it.

[COPPER3]

You are both young! This man will never commit to you fully. At your age you are probably wanting to move towards marriage and babies...
I am so sorry darling, but you must be strong here. He needs to move out now! It doesn't have to be the complete end. You can have a bash at dating again and taking it slow. If the LOVE is there, then let him prove it! Stand your ground with him. Do not let him dictate this. You are a beautiful, worthy woman and you have to know that you deserve a MAN who will want to share your life with you in every way! BE STRONG my lovely...

[Jux]

You're both looking for different things and they are incompatible. And yes, love is NOT enough. Never was, never will be.

[SunshineCake]

I sacrificed something huge for a man I thought I loved and thankfully I left him and now I have what I wanted with a man who wanted the same.

So no, I wouldn't stay in any kind of relationship with this man and I'd be getting him gone tomorrow. It is his problem that his tenant is in his house.

[alliwantisagoodnightssleep]

Break up with him and find yourself a lodger.

[MulticolourMophead]

With regards to him staying here for 4 months. I have no savings and honestly, it would allow me to put maybe £1000 away. So if anyone would be taking financial advantage it would be me. I’ll be a bit financially screwed for maybe 18 months as I’m paying off a loan, but after December 21 I’d be fine.

So get him out and take in a lodger. It all points to him effectively trying to end the relationship, but who doesn't want to spend money ahead of his tenants moving out. He could rent a room somewhere else until then.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

I’d end the relationship, tell him he can stay on as your lodger (assuming you’ve got a second bedroom!). Or tell him to go now, and get another lodger to help with your bills.

Definitely keep the cats

[Bluntness100]

Op I’m sorry he wants to move out and the sex is over. I think he’s ending it, but slowly. He doesn’t want to say it and is letting you down gently.

[Scotmummy1216]

If he doesn't want the same things it might not work in long run unless someone can happily compromise.

[ukgift2016]

This actually happened to my sister except they shared a rented flat. My sister moved out and he did not want to continue the relationship. He had split up with her 'by degrees' as other posters had pointed out.

So sorry OP, I also don't think you are a young couple. There is no rush to end it, take advantage financially while your living together and spend the time reassessing the relationship.

[DisobedientHamster]

@MashedPotatoBrainz

I’m just struggling to reconcile the idea that someone could want to marry you, want to live with you and then change their mind and still want to be in a relationship.

I'm sorry but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He wants out but is too cowardly to say it.

This. And will take a fall back girl. This is who he is. He's done this before, you're no. 3.

Life is way to short to waste a minute on this relationship. You're incompatible.

Don't make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

Get a lodger, borrow money, but tell him he needs to move out and no, no more seeing each other. That's downright masochistic.

Stop handing other people your power and use the months between now and November to work really hard on yourself.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Do you want to live alone for the next 40-70 years op? I think the answer might be that simple

[KnobblyWand]

He's dumped you, he's just being too cowardly to come right out and say it.

[Horsemad]

I think you're both using each other.

He needs somewhere to live and you're relying on him for financial assistance. I think you 'think' you love him/want him.

Make some cut backs in your budget & kick him into touch at the same time.

[birdy124]

I don't think he is an evil man trying to take advantage of you, but it does sound like you want different things. He's cancelled the engagement and doesn't want to live with you. It sounds like you want a live-in husband (possibly kids?). I would end it.

Honestly, we are all going to be in lockdown until the new year, so if you're more financially secure with him there, I don't see it as a big issue. But know your entangling yourself further into a dead end relationship.

I've been the one to cancel an engagement and I also said I wanted to stay in the relationship. If I'm brutally honest, I knew the relationship wasn't right but felt scared to end it all at once. This may be his case. Don't ignore it. It's incredibly painful but better he told you now than after getting married.

[Honeyroar]

No point to it. If you want a real relationship you’re better off waiting for someone else. He’s done this before- it’s not you, it’s him being difficult and not wanting to compromise. I know you must feel crushed, but you ought to move on.

[Butterfly44]

He doesn't want the same as what you want. There's no future here, especially if you want kids. It's hard but you need to accept it and move on