He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

[CockLodgerornah]

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

[Confu5ed23yrs]

Been married 20yrs now, share 2 kids (13+10). He has been aggressive since I met him (on occasion), never hit me or kids, but scared us many times. Very irritable with sounds, kids not doing what they're told etc.
I've had to explain away his actions so many times to the kids, that even they tell me it's not up to me to do so now. Anyway, I approach him about his outbursts every time, and he says he knows he's in the wrong and I tell him to get help. He never does. He apologises and thinks it's over. But I can't forget that easy, neither can the kids.
I'm now at a point where I feel I'd like to have a last shot at couple therapy before I walk away. I've held on this long for the kids sake (dad presence) and because he has supported me through some very difficult personal mental health issues. I suggested the idea of mediation or therapy and he is dead against it and seems so disappointed that I have even raised issues in the relationship. He always has an issue with our eldest son being a trouble maker and causing drama, but to be honest, he shows him the most aggression and lack of respect, so gets the same in return (I have explained this). So,he tells me the only way to solve this is him moving out for a few months! A) we cannot afford this, B) how is this solving anything with his son? That relationship aside, he and I are generally living as close friends. He doesn't talk about money easily. He is awkward and tries too hard in public. It can be hard to go from one extreme to the other. He says he wants to be closer to me again, but only talks about the physical sense. I can't even!
I guess I am venting here, but I feel like I've invested 20 yrs and all my money and time into a man who just sees me as frigid, and an answer to paying bills, cleaning the house and watching the kids. He doesn't seem to get why I feel upset by his behaviour over the years.
He has never contributed a bit of help at Xmas, holiday time, form filling, paying bills, buying a home...anything! It's all down to me! He doesn't even know when the kids are off school, or what they do from day to day.
Am I wrong for trying to fix things here, can we fix this ourselves as his says we can, or is he saying that to hide away the issues from others? Am I just staying out of pity for him and the kids and wider family? I do love him, I just don't want to go through this forevermore.

[OldEvilOwl]

Edit your title to 'he wants to have his cake and eat it'
Seriously OP, he is taking the piss. This man is going to hurt you, he's already planning to leave. End it while you still have some dignity. You could be wasting years of your life with this man, and miss your opportunity to have the family life you want

[Techway]

He basically said that I was constantly making him out to be the bad guy just because he needed to move out for his own sanity

In response to you ending the relationship he is still prioritising his needs and is concerned about his image, it is also supposed to be guilt inducing...He is utterly selfish. Often you can't this until it is tested.

What you might not realise until much later is that this is a defining moment for you. You are valuing yourself and that will bring better partners into your life.

31 is still very young . Good for you. You deserve better and he will be shocked that you have changed so watched out for how he tries to manipulate. He may even get angry.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done.
You took back some control.
Now get him gone.
He is sounding more and more like a twat by the minute.

[KatherineJaneway]

You need to kick him out.

[Anordinarymum]

@CockLodgerornah

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

I think he is not the right person for you end of.

[NurseButtercup]

So when I started this thread I was all “boohoo he wants to leave me”. And now I’m “boohoo mate jog on”. I’ve gone from sad and weepy to pretty defiant. There’s a song by the Pussycat Dolls (yeah yeah I know) that goes “I don’t need a man to make me feel good” and today I’ve felt pretty good. Just took me standing up and saying that it wasn’t okay and my happiness was important.

Good...now please tell him to bugger off

[juliawilks72]

Sorry but if you stay with him on whatever terms you are wasting time xx l had my daughter at 34 - l met my now husband at 27 - l am glad l didn’t have my daughter any later than age 34 - finish with him so you can start afresh - evict him now xx sorry but it’s the only way forward for you xxxx

[DisobedientHamster]

Well I told him last night it was over. This morning he was all cuddly (still no sex since dons ago).

This evening I said I was serious about how I felt. He basically said that I was constantly making him out to be the bad guy just because he needed to move out for his own sanity. No, I’m not making him out to be the bad guy. I’ve explained how it will make me feel and why based on that I would rather start to move on now and find my own happiness than hang around for him.

So when I started this thread I was all “boohoo he wants to leave me”. And now I’m “boohoo mate jog on”. I’ve gone from sad and weepy to pretty defiant. There’s a song by the Pussycat Dolls (yeah yeah I know) that goes “I don’t need a man to make me feel good” and today I’ve felt pretty good. Just took me standing up and saying that it wasn’t okay and my happiness was important.

See, he has FA respect for you. You told him it was over and he's fucking with your head being all cuddly. WTAF? You should be fucking raging that he cares so little for you when you told him it was OVER. He was basically like, 'Nah, I decide that'.

He needs to go. No hanging round to fuck with your head. Funny how his 'sanity' is fine loafing at yours as long as it's convenient. If he were really that protective of his sanity he'd be finding somewhere else to go now.

What a total arsehole! Honestly, he doesn't give a gram of fuck about you.

He wants a FWB. That's not for you. Even when you say, 'nah, I need to move on' his response is 'Don't give a fuck what you say, I do what I want to do'.

[TheVamoosh]

Well I told him last night it was over. This morning he was all cuddly

He's really fucking with your head, isn't he?

if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be, if it leaves it was never meant to be...

What about if "it" wants everything on "its" terms, leaves and then keeps stringing you along so you'll be around when "it" feels like seeing you for a few hours, causing you waste your fertile years on some loose weekend arrangement? Was it "meant to be" then?

[CyberNan]

sounds like the perfect relationship to me... I would love to have a partner that I didn't have to see all the time...

i haven't read the whole thread so don't know what advice was given but i have read your posts op... why not give it a try... he sounds like a nice man who cares but just has a lot on his plate at the moment.

there's that little ditty... something like... if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be, if it leaves it was never meant to be...

[SandyY2K]

There may be some women who would be happy with this arrangement. More likely those who have had children that are grown up and want their own space.

I'm happily married, but if we ever split up I can't see myself living with a man again. Having my own place where I can make all the decisions on furnishings and decor etc would suit me well.

It isn't what you want and you shouldn't accept it, which you've realised. I think you're 31?... this is not for someone who wants kids and marriage.

[Cocklodgerornah]

@PAND0RA

At the end of the day, if he wants to go home and doesn’t want to marry me....what else is he giving me?

Well you know what he’s offering you - he told you. He wants to have a domestic life with you on a part time basis with no commitment.

He wants to have his own home and social life during the week. Meanwhile he wants YOU to stay at your home all week, paying all the bills, looking after his cats and keeping the place nice until he comes to visit you at weekends.

Not dating anyone of course , because you are in a relationship.

At weekends he wants you to cook him nice meals ( of course he won’t pay the food bills, he’s your guest ! ) and he might splash out on a bottle of wine. But don’t pressurise him for sex - he’s too stressed. Unless he wants sex, in which case that’s fine and you can have sex.

And he wants no ties. No marriage , no commitments.

Before long he’ll have you going over to his place when he’s at work to clean and do washing.

Basically he wants to keep you on the back burner until he’s met Miss Right.

Well I told him last night it was over. This morning he was all cuddly (still no sex since dons ago).

This evening I said I was serious about how I felt. He basically said that I was constantly making him out to be the bad guy just because he needed to move out for his own sanity. No, I’m not making him out to be the bad guy. I’ve explained how it will make me feel and why based on that I would rather start to move on now and find my own happiness than hang around for him.

So when I started this thread I was all “boohoo he wants to leave me”. And now I’m “boohoo mate jog on”. I’ve gone from sad and weepy to pretty defiant. There’s a song by the Pussycat Dolls (yeah yeah I know) that goes “I don’t need a man to make me feel good” and today I’ve felt pretty good. Just took me standing up and saying that it wasn’t okay and my happiness was important.

[KatherineJaneway]

@PAND0RA

So true.

[PAND0RA]

At the end of the day, if he wants to go home and doesn’t want to marry me....what else is he giving me?

Well you know what he’s offering you - he told you. He wants to have a domestic life with you on a part time basis with no commitment.

He wants to have his own home and social life during the week. Meanwhile he wants YOU to stay at your home all week, paying all the bills, looking after his cats and keeping the place nice until he comes to visit you at weekends.

Not dating anyone of course , because you are in a relationship.

At weekends he wants you to cook him nice meals ( of course he won’t pay the food bills, he’s your guest ! ) and he might splash out on a bottle of wine. But don’t pressurise him for sex - he’s too stressed. Unless he wants sex, in which case that’s fine and you can have sex.

And he wants no ties. No marriage , no commitments.

Before long he’ll have you going over to his place when he’s at work to clean and do washing.

Basically he wants to keep you on the back burner until he’s met Miss Right.

[YeahWhatevver]

Sounds like he'd like a friend with benefits.

Don't continue in a relationship that has no future

[Notthetoothfairy]

Please leave and give yourself a chance to meet someone who loves and wants to be with you 100%. 31 (or any age!) is too young to settle for less.

[Pumpkinpie1]

He has moved away from you emotionally already
Don’t settle , For his games , it will erode your confidence and grind you down
Get rid & let yourself meet someone who really loves you

[chatterbugmegastar]

At the end of the day, if he wants to go home and doesn’t want to marry me....what else is he giving me?

He's giving you nothing

You hope he will change / change his mind

He won't

In the end you will realise this

[Honeyroar]

Sorry I didn’t realise you’d updated, you hadn’t come up in green as the OP.

I don’t think that you will actually realise/deal with this until he’s moved out. You’re just in limbo.

[Newkitchen123]

If you're happy with a casual relationship, as this is all he's offering, go for it.
But it's clear you want more.
At the minute you can't imagine happiness with anyone else, but you can be happy with someone else. I was widowed young. I couldn't ever imagine being with someone else. Then I realised I was far too young for a life just me on my own. I'm now married and blissfully happy in a way I never thought I would be again.
Let him go
Move on
Be happy

[Cocklodgerornah]

Busying! Not burying....off

[Cocklodgerornah]

@PAND0RA

It sounds like you are completely stuck OP

You : we want different things but I love him
Him : we want different things but you Love me
Everyone on MN : you are not compatible
You : but I love him

It’s really hard to accept the compatibility issue, I hear what everyone is saying but I don’t want to accept it. Which I understand why I wouldn’t want to.

I’m burying myself clearing junk out of my house today, as a tidy space makes me happy. I’m taking small steps to come to terms with it, it’s just going to take me a little while. For instance, last night I went off and did my own thing upstairs rather than sit downstairs with him...I know it sounds really silly but I’m trying to spend some time on my own so I’m not clouded by his presence if that makes sense? Because when he’s in a good mood and we’re together, I forget what is going on but really I need time on my own to get to grips with this and decide how to manage it.

At the end of the day, if he wants to go home and doesn’t want to marry me....what else is he giving me?

[Honeyroar]

@Cocklodgerornah did you say anything?

[Cocklodgerornah]

@SapatSea

He has showed you who he is, he doesn't want to share and is more emotionally attached to his house than your relationship (did he not want you to move into his house? and so moved into your rental intead?). I don't doubt he loves you in hs own way but as many others have advised you, it is not the type of love that you want/need. If you stick with him, he will always dictate the terms of engagement, when he can face being sociable, seeing you, you will have to forego having children, it will always be about his damaged background, his depression and what he needs to survive. You will be his handmaid and may never feel yourself o solid ground with him.What about you and your needs??

What was your childhood like, did you have to people please, were you always a kind girl trying to walk in others shoes, were you a good girl but didn't get the love and recognition for this from family members? did you have to walk on eggshells around a signficant family member? I'm just asking because although we often choose a partner who seems in no way like our parents/siblings/authoruty figures of our past they actually have traits that we are "familiar" with, sometimes in a diluted form. Example: if you felt nervous around your mum and always tried to service her as she was a bit volatile you may find yourself tiptoeing around a partner as you feel they could also show disdain towards you if you don't get everything right. You want someone to coddle you for a change but somehow can't seem to respond to that in another.

I was an only until I was 8 and then had 3 siblings in quick succession, I wouldn’t say I was neglected but my parents priorities were the three young ones. I was really easily bullied at school, uni and then work until a couple of years ago when I changed jobs. I’ve never had a stable group of friends however I did meet my best friend a couple of years ago and she’s been a literal life saver for me.

My dad had a high powered job and made lots of bad financial decisions and I did have to tip toe around him, my home life was quite restricted as well due to my parents beliefs.i 100% am a people pleaser, I will put other people before me and adapt to them so for years I didn’t really know who I was, it wasn’t until I lost a lot of weight that I started to accept myself but oh my goodness it’s a total work in progress.

Add that to the three rapes, and my ex husband assaulting me in my sleep I’m pretty mucked up...I think. So yeah, I really do want someone just to love me and accept me and want to be with me so that’s probably why I’ve reacted so badly to someone telling me they don’t want to live with me. Counselled told me I have a very ingrained fear of rejection as when we talked about things in that area, not even directly related, I would choke up.