He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

[CockLodgerornah]

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

[laudete]

I think it is perfectly possible to have a longterm relationship in two houses. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton famously did so for many years - and they have children together. However, it is not possible if both people do not want the same things. He wants an entire house to himself and you want to share one room. If you can't both compromise on the living space, I don't see a future here. It is okay to move on and find a more compatible relationship.

[Quarantimespringclean]

You clearly want different things from a long term relationship so it sounds like this is the end of the road for the two of you. The way he is backing off it sounds like he will eventually end things completely anyway. You shouldn’t put up with that. He is very clear he won’t give you what you want from a life partner so you would do better to end it now and make yourself available for someone more compatible.



HOWEVER, whatever you decide to do about the relationship, his living with you is another matter. You are not a lodging house. He doesn’t get to check in while it’s financially convenient for him then bugger off when something better is available. If he wants out, off he goes right now. Don’t be a doormat.

[ThanksItHasPockets]

I absolutely guarantee you that even if you let this relationship limp on as a lame duck it will not survive once he has moved out. He has already ended it.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton famously did so for many years - and they have children together

They split up and its not what the OP wants. He's being duplicitous because he wasnt honest with her from the beginning. He moved in with her and got engaged and now suddenly its not what he wants. Thats not fair.

[Zhampagne]

I think it is perfectly possible to have a longterm relationship in two houses. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton famously did so for many years - and they have children together.

Their houses were next door to each other and interconnected. They basically made one massive house with two front doors. It’s not quite the same.

[Flittingabout]

This isn't a long term relationship though. They have only just moved in after meeting a year ago. It's not like a 5 year relationship...

[Inkpaperstars]

You are young. Best case scenario he cannot offer you what you want, potentially he is going to mess you around and hurt you further on top of that.

Just end this and move on as soon as possible. Please spare yourself.

[CatandtheFiddle]

And I don’t think I’m okay with that

There's your answer. There's no "reasonable" or "unreasonable" about it. It's what you're OK or not K with.

And frankly, he moves out, you continue a relationship, but what if he then says "Oh I don't think I can cope with monogamy. I'd still like to be in a relationship with you, but I want to see other people"

and so on.

[SunbathingDragon]

I agree that I think he is backing out of the relationship and doing it in stages rather than all at once.

Yes, HBC and TB did successfully live apart for years but that doesn’t work when one side wants to live with their partner (and presumably marry them considering they accepted a proposal).

I’m sorry OP, but I also agree about getting him to move out now. A clean break will be easier for you and after what he has said, you need to prioritise what is best for you and what you want long term.

[crimsonlake]

How awful and I do feel sorry for you.
I am sorry I do have to agree with everyone, he has slowly been checking out. You need to ask him to leave, you deserve better than a flatmate.

[istheresomethingishouldknow]

I'd ask him to go and look for someone to rent out a room in your house instead.

[Marpan]

It’s tough times for everyone.
If you cannot make it work then just move on.
You don’t get engaged to someone then unengaged and you certainly don’t move
Our after you have moved in unless it’s a break
Up.
At least you have had lockdown to make you realise he is no good instead of realising it at the alter!!

[whiteblue]

OP, he doesn't want to move out now because it'll cost him. November suits him perfectly financially.'
I'd tell him to go now.
Sure, it'll hurt but you'll have your pride and self respect.
Dance to your own tune, not someone else's.

[metronome1]

Is his name James by any chance?
If it is run far and run fast op 😁

[chatterbugmegastar]

No/little sex, doesn't want to live with you, doesn't want what you want out of life....

And this is all you deserve, is it?

Well - if this IS all you deserve then enjoy

[dontdisturbmenow]

There've been many threads started by female posters complaining about living with their partner who are told to just move out and offer to continue the relationship living seperately. Why is this different because it's the make who wants to live seperately?

He's clearly stressed maybe because OP is a cleaner freak and he feels he can't relax, or the opposite. Maybe she enjoys a lot of noise and he needs quiet and calm.

There are many things that can make living together stressful especially when you've been use to living on your own for some time. It doesn't mean he has an agenda.

[SunbathingDragon]

@dontdisturbmenow

There've been many threads started by female posters complaining about living with their partner who are told to just move out and offer to continue the relationship living seperately. Why is this different because it's the make who wants to live seperately?

He's clearly stressed maybe because OP is a cleaner freak and he feels he can't relax, or the opposite. Maybe she enjoys a lot of noise and he needs quiet and calm.

There are many things that can make living together stressful especially when you've been use to living on your own for some time. It doesn't mean he has an agenda.

It’s different because it’s not what the OP wants so why should they settle?

[IdblowJonSnow]

I think you just dont want the same things. Hes messing with your head, I'd get him gone asap.
He might be genuine about wanting to stay with you though. I love my DH and kids dearly but really crave my own space and often day dream about having my own place! (Not gonna happen) so I can see how cohabitation just doesn't suit some people. Why dont you have a break and reassess In a month or 2 after hes moved out?
It is an unusual step and I dan see to many it would be negstive/backwards move but it takes honesty I guess and if you stay together after that says quite a lot?
But if it's not what you want and you want the conventional set up then that's ok too.

[unlikelytobe]

No, he can't just stay at yours because his place is tenanted and unavailable until November - tough shit. If he's not interested in a romantic live-in relationship with you he should move out. He has emotionally left anyway, sorry.

If money is tight you could get a lodger maybe.

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

I think it will eat away at you and sour the relationship over time. It sounds like things are going backwards, not forwards. For me it would be a deal breaker. Unless you both genuinely agreed that you wanted to cohabit, in which case it could work, then this is doomed to failure.

[Yeahnahmum]

You are not on the same wave lenght as this man.
This man is not your future. This is not happiness...
This is trouble and unhappiness going forward. You deserve happy. And love. And living together and all that. Not this sorry excuse for a commitment

[Shoxfordian]

I'd have told him to get out in March if I were you
I don't know why you would even contemplate settling for this shit.

[B1rdbra1n]

if there is no mutually acceptable compromise then you and he are not compatible, he should look for a relationship with someone who also wants to live separately.

I'm in a 'LAT' relationship and I love it

[kazzer2867]

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and
if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

OP. You do realise he's only staying because he has no where else to go. Come on raise your standards, have some respect for yourself and pack his bags.

[GreenTulips]

I agree with most of the above.

You want a marriage and probably children in the future. He dosent. Don’t throw away your chance.