Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

204 replies

CockLodgerornah · 26/06/2020 15:50

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

OP posts:
Quarantimespringclean · 27/06/2020 05:57

Nothing he’s said indicates that he is in this for the long haul. Committed relationships are hard work, they require effort and compromise and he is very clear that he isn’t able or willing to do any of that. He wants things his way regardless of the impact on the person he claims to love. IMO it’s just a matter of time before he ends things. It might be next week or next month or the day before Christmas but it’s coming.

I still think you’d be better off leaving him now but I can understand your uncertainty. I think that at the very least you need him to move out ASAP. Give yourself some space away from him. A degree of distance might help you gain some perspective and begin to see what we can all see - that there is no happy future for you in this relationship.

eleventy3isthemagicnumber · 27/06/2020 06:17

My ex, who I really got on with, moved in with me as we spent so much time together. But after a while he decided he wanted to move out as we have very different living styles (eg he's a bit of a clean freak and I'm much more laid back).

We carried on dating, but after a few months it was clear to me that the relationship had died, he just didn't know how to finish it as we were good friends.

His next girlfriend (now his wife) was lovely and, I can clearly see, much more suitable for him. My next BF was a disaster! But the one after that was the one for me, and we're much better suited too.

My ex and I are still friends (which is normal in my friendship group, I know mumsnet finds that weird but we don't!).

If you want DC and you're in your 30s, sorry to be so direct but you don't have time to mess about. Your DP does however as blokes do: they have much longer before the wi doe of opportunity closes on them becoming a parent. Unfair but that's how it is. Please don't spend your fertile years chasing after a relationship that's goikg nowhere.

If it was me, I'd split up and find someone who does want the same things as me. And who didn't cheat on me early in the relationship.

You ask feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life and you're right, you would. Please give yourself permission to put yourself (and your future DC, which you are unlikely to have with this guy) first. And maybe get some counselling to explore why you find it so hard to do that.

Wishing you luck, you sound lovely. Please don't sell yourself short.

eleventy3isthemagicnumber · 27/06/2020 06:18

*window not wi doe!

Gohackyourself · 27/06/2020 06:23

Op I agree with all the posters before me , that he’s realised he wants out but can’t do it yet logistically.
Another thought is to then turn this back on him....
Call it off, tell him so, if he still can’t leave till November use his money to help you save but by being flat mates.So give him the cold shoulder, he moves out into another bedroom or sofa, shops for himself etc and just use the money to help you get prepared with savings.
For me I’m not sure I could do that and would be asking him to leave on Friday , hotels will be available from Saturday - he’s broken off your engagement and I cannot see a future with children etc with this man.

BurtsBeesKnees · 27/06/2020 06:33

I'd be asking him to leave now, the only reason he's staying is because he has no where to go. I know you love him, and probably want him to stay these next few months in the vain hope he'll realise that he wants to marry you and live with you. But he won't. Please find your self respect and ask him to leave

Find someone who wants what you want

Flamingolingo · 27/06/2020 06:46

I think you’ve posted about this before. Honestly, this all seems to be about him and what he wants. I can’t see a future romantically with this man, he doesn’t want to give you any of the things you want, and seems quite intolerant. It’s not you, it’s him! Probably the best you can hope for is a friendship, but all the while you’re stopping yourself being able to meet someone else (possibly not super relevant in covid, but will eventually be relevant). It’s not meant to be this hard work, you need to break up and move on. Can he take the spare room until November? Sort your finances out and move on?

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 27/06/2020 07:08

OP, bottom line is that he’s not willing to give it a go. Hes not bringing sexual or cohabitation to the table, as you said yourself.
This is not a relationship. At best, it’s a friendship, from his perspective anyway.

wowfudge · 27/06/2020 07:09

He looked quite sad OP because he's been rumbled. It's all about him - nothing he has said considers you and your feelings. In fact he knows you love him so he's making you take all the decisions because he's cowardly and work stress is being used as an excuse. He doesn't have the guts to end it. My guess is that he is stringing you along so he doesn't need to find somewhere else to live. Have done self respect and tell him to leave. You want different things and he's giving you crumbs as it suits him, but he's withdrawn from the relationship.

SteelyPanther · 27/06/2020 07:27

If he wants to leave let him. He is allowed to !
I wish my DH would live somewhere else, it’s what I dream of.

UmbrellaHat · 27/06/2020 07:29

He can't stay till November. He leaves now and rents a room somewhere using the money he is getting on rent from his tenant. Lots of house shares available.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 27/06/2020 07:31

You’re still young enough to start again, can you get a flat mate to help you with the rent?

He’s not into you, and even if he is what he’s offering you isn’t enough for you and that’s ok. Sometimes it goes like this.

firstimemamma · 27/06/2020 07:31

It would be a deal breaker for me op. He's not the man for you and isn't giving you the commitment you deserve. Sorry Thanks

KatherineJaneway · 27/06/2020 07:33

Should I accept what he has to offer?

What offer though? There's nothing there.

You're 31, it will be painful to end it to be sure but all the things you describe about life with him that you love, can be found with someone else Flowers

Ohwhatbliss · 27/06/2020 07:40

Try looking to the future? Where's this going? The answer is nowhere. Living together? Nope, changed his mind on that . Marriage? No, changed his mind on that. Do you want children? Pretty hard to manage that living separately. If he can't cope with cohabiting with you he'll never want kids. Come on. You deserve so much better, don't be a mug. Do you want to be 40 with a boyfriend you see a few times a week?!

iano · 27/06/2020 07:47

Op I'm sorry but this guy is a time waster. Of course he looked sad. He's been rumbled and is worried you might kick him out. He
might even have sex with you or up to 'I love you chat' now to keep you on board.
Don't fall for it. The fact of the matter is your fiancé has called off your wedding and is moving out. This relationship is over.
If you want to be treated well move on and find someone who truly cares about you especially if having children matters to you.
I was with a wanker like this once. He basically liked the convenience of being in a relationship. It totally ruined my confidence. Run like the wind!

Original poster
CockLodgerornah · 27/06/2020 07:50

@Ohwhatbliss

Try looking to the future? Where's this going? The answer is nowhere. Living together? Nope, changed his mind on that . Marriage? No, changed his mind on that. Do you want children? Pretty hard to manage that living separately. If he can't cope with cohabiting with you he'll never want kids. Come on. You deserve so much better, don't be a mug. Do you want to be 40 with a boyfriend you see a few times a week?!
The last bit of what you said is exactly my issue. I don’t want to grow old on my own. I want a partner who supports me from next to me, not a half an hour drive away!

I don’t even know how to date or where to start. I was married during my twenties. Ughhhh

OP posts:
TheresABearInThere · 27/06/2020 07:52

He doesn’t want what you want in a relationship, and also given that you’ve only been together 18 months and the sex has ended and you’re both still young ... well it sounds pretty crap to me. You’re not on the same page and the only way you will be is if you put your needs and wants below his, all the time. That type of dynamic is unhealthy and unsustainable, you’ll end up downtrodden, resentful and you’ll eventually dislike him anyway. Time to call time on it.

snowybean · 27/06/2020 07:55

The short term pain is worth it. Help him find somewhere nice to rent asap and then cut your ties.

I'm also 31 and I would never want to live like that.

Carolbaskinstiger · 27/06/2020 08:24

I thought you were both going to be in your mid fifties. Honestly at 31, please don’t do this.
It will be painful in the short term to split up, but if you drag this out til god knows when it will be worse.

S0upertrooper · 27/06/2020 08:28

OP, I'm married nearly 30 years, we've been together 37. I've often dreamt of living alone, maybe next door to my husband, as I think it would suit me better. However, it would upset him, I respect that so we find other ways to compromise. I go on holiday alone and get a lot of time alone at home.

You don't want this, you want a man who's there for you, loves you and wants to live with you. I suspect this guy wouldn't be happy living with anyone, so this is not your soul mate, you need different things and he's not prepared to compromise.

If you stay with him, he'll break your heart. If you tell him to leave, it won't be easy but you will have the chance to meet a man who wants what you want and build a life together. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Zhampagne · 27/06/2020 08:33

How long ago was your divorce? Maybe it would be good for you to be single for a bit.

Original poster
CockLodgerornah · 27/06/2020 08:33

@S0upertrooper

OP, I'm married nearly 30 years, we've been together 37. I've often dreamt of living alone, maybe next door to my husband, as I think it would suit me better. However, it would upset him, I respect that so we find other ways to compromise. I go on holiday alone and get a lot of time alone at home.

You don't want this, you want a man who's there for you, loves you and wants to live with you. I suspect this guy wouldn't be happy living with anyone, so this is not your soul mate, you need different things and he's not prepared to compromise.

If you stay with him, he'll break your heart. If you tell him to leave, it won't be easy but you will have the chance to meet a man who wants what you want and build a life together. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

No he wont be happy living with anyone, he wants to live alone in his cottage and see me 4 days a week, then live at his for the other 3. I have an IUD so no chance of a falling pregnant, well miniscule, but the idea that I could fall pregnant and he wouldn’t be able to cope is probably enough of a wake up call for me.

You ladies have helped, I needed some stern and well meant advice.

OP posts:
Daisydoesnt · 27/06/2020 08:47

Sometimes in love you have to be really hard headed and business like with yourself. I know you love him like crazy, but this man is NOT going to give you the loving, fulfilled, happy future you picture for yourself. Do not give up that dream! You can make it happen but it will definitely not be with this man. After 18months and only just engaged, you should be at it like knives and making cow eyes at each other!!!

You can choose to stay with him if you like, but it will be not even half the life you want for yourself. It will be a half-arsed existence that will eat away at you. Please don’t choose that.

Put yourself and your hopes for your future first.

TheVamoosh · 27/06/2020 09:06

He wants me to give it a go and will respect it if I say no.

Of course he would have to respect it if you wanted to break up. He can't force you to do anything. Why even mention that? Oh I know, he wants to break up but he's to gutless, so he is trying to push you into doing it so he can say "OK. I accept it" and stand there "looking sad" like a "good guy".

(I've done similar several times when I was in twenties...)

S0upertrooper · 27/06/2020 09:15

For what it's worth OP, I have an adult DS who I suspect will find it hard to live with a woman long term. He has had a few longish relationships that always end with the girl kicking him into touch because he won't compromise. I'd give his current girlfriend the same advice that I gave you if he was offering the same deal.

Your man doesn't sound horrible, he just doesn't sound like he can give you what you need, in some ways that's harder than if he was a complete arse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread