He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

[CockLodgerornah]

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

[DisobedientHamster]

@CockLodgerornah

Sorry I’ve got to dash out but can elaborate more later.

I do believe he cares for me, he offered to move out and rent somewhere for the next 4 months. But he also said he’d like to stay here with me until he leaves (I found that a bit odd after he had said he wants to live on his own).

He pays me the Income from his tenant towards my bills so he’s not financially better off or worse either way, it’s just me who is.

I’m not angry any and I don’t blame him for feeling how he feels. I understand people aren’t always compatible. It’s just, I love him so much! And I know he loves me. But love doesn’t conquer all does it, and there are other fish in the sea for both of us. We would both be in a lot of pain if we broke up, but I wonder if the short term pain would be far better than either of us compromising. I’m 31, he is 33 I think that still counts as young?

I mean this kindly, OP, I really do but you have some growing up to do here. Your idealisation of 'love' is very unhealthy and damaging.

Of course 'love' doesn't conquer all. Love is respect and compatibility among other things.

You are incompatible! If you want marriage and kids, please do not waste any more time on this bloke!

Love yourself first!

He offered to move out then backtracked. He offered to marry you then backtracked, blah blah blah. He needs to shit or get off the pot!

And so do you. 'I've been thinking it over. You need to move out by the end of the month and we need to split up.'

Stop handing this person all your power, that's not 'love', that's co-dependence and incredibly damaging.

[Quietheart]

I’m not sure that lockdown is an ideal situation to have been living together for the first time. I realise he had already moved in but most couples who move in can still have time apart, socialise etc.

However if he says he can’t live with you he should move out now. Have you discussed why the sex has stopped and the fact that normal rules haven’t applied these last 3 months?

[willowmelangell]

Throw him out. Or stick him in a spare room as a paying guest/lodger.
He has an income from his property. He's fine.
Look at your budget. Can you trim anything off? A tv plan? Look through your direct debits etc.
Work extra hours? Sell on Ebay?
Sorry about the pain of a separation. Never rely on a man to pay your bills.

[Holothane]

Let him leave and stay gone he wants best of both worlds.

[Guiltypleasures001]

He wants to stay at yours and have sex because he's got no where else to go
Until November

If you think your still in a relationship with him that keeps you sweet keeps his feet under a comfy table and shuts you the fuck up
While he plans to leave you quietly in the background

Don't be a mug op seriously

[AriadnesFilament]

“ He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship“ = he wants to have his cake and eat it

Cheeky git

[romdowa]

Agree with pp, if he cant stand living with someone then he needs to go now and not when its conveinant for him. Sounds like you need to start loving yourself a bit more here and stop letting this guy walk all over you

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Take him at face value and think it through.

You want to share your life, home, bed with someone

He does not

He doesn't want sex as living in the same space as you is stressful

He wants you to continue living with is stress/sexed out self until it is convenient for him

At which point he expects you to accept a no cohabitating, sexless, casual relationship on his terms

You want, thought you had found, a long term committed relationship. He wants you to be his weekend gf.

At what points does he meet your idea of the partner you want for now, the foreseeable future, forever?

Show him the door, dust off your self respect and block his shit!

[Notcontent]

You have to let this go. He does not love you. I know how tempting it is to try to cling on to a relationship no matter what - I have been there, many of us have been there.

Save yourself more pain. Move on.

[PAND0RA]

@TorkTorkBam

What he wants is not what you want. Incompatible. Good job you found out now.

Stuffing down your own needs to meet someone else's is not fighting for a relationship.

I reckon he is saying all this because he is too chicken to break up while you are still living together. A fortnight after he's out he will break up with you I bet.

This in a nutshell.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Oh the sex died a month ago..... because he’s stressed

Girrrrrrrl. This had red flags all over it. What on earth is it you love about him? he sounds like an absolute arsehole. No sex, no sharing bills, and he doesnt want to live with you. Bloody get rid of him, you can do so much better. Please focus on your self worth and find someone who treats you with the respect and love and support you deserve.

[VettiyaIruken]

I think he's backing out of the relationship tiny step by tiny step tbh

[MadM0nthMadness]

Another case of actions speak louder than words

He is moving out

[birthdaybelle]

I'm sorry but I think he wants to break up but is doing this as a way of softening the blow for now

[ohthegoats]

I'm fine with no cohabiting, sounds great. BUT not so great if it's because you can't live together (in his opinion). Feels a bit like he's breaking up with you in stages.

If you hadn't tried living together yet, were engaged and knew that you'd not ever live together, then that's OK and different.

[DisobedientHamster]

Where is he 'shutting himself away' in the house? Is it more than 1 bedroom. That would fuck me off. What a shitty thing to do. I was with a guy like that, much shorter relationship, couldn't get out of there fast enough.

[Zhampagne]

You shouldn’t have to fight for an 18 month old relationship. It should be absolutely effortless right now. Fighting is for relationships where you have built a life together (although sometimes not even then) but he doesn’t want to do that with you. I’m sorry.

[hellsbellsmelons]

No sex.
Doesn't want to live with you - EVER.
At 31 OP, you deserve what you want.
Don't just settle! That way madness lies.
Take him up on his offer to move out for the next 4 months.
It will be way too hard otherwise.
Clean break. Initial pain. Then move on.
This is not working for you.
Take back control of your life.
Stop allowing him to dictate what happens.
Get him gone and mourn the relationship and get out there and enjoy your young life.
Do you want DC?
Can you imagine having them with him and then the DC having to live in 2 different houses?
This is his way of 'letting you down gently'
Please see it for what it is.
Tell him to fuck off!

[AlternativePerspective]

I have a friend who is in a relationship like this, except he is male and the woman is the one who has moved out.

They moved in together and she didn’t like the area etc but still wanted them to be in a relationship. So she moved out and they have stayed in a relationship but it’s in name only. He sometimes doesn’t see her for a month at a time, and when he does she hates public displays of affection so won’t even hug him.

He’s a lovely bloke but I wish to God he would end it with her, because he deserves so much better. Am hoping that lockdown has finally ended it as they won’t have seen each other since the beginning.

I think that a relationship can work ok if you’ve never cohabited and it’s not for you, but I think that moving in together and then one of you moving out is a step backwards and is an indication that the relationship doesn’t have a future.

[pigeon999]

He has had second thoughts and has got cold feet, he doesn't want to pay out for somewhere else to live, so he will ride this out (and enjoy the benefits no doubt that comes with 'staying' with you) until he is ready to call it a day in November.

You are worth so much more than this op!! It is not worth fighting for by losing yet more of your life to a man who sees not future living with you.

Pack his stuff ask him to go, and move in a friend. This relationship is over as I far as I can tell.

It is better to find out now, than to invest the next 20 years of your life into someone so flaky.

[BestUseADifferentName]

When I split with my DH one of the things he said to me a few weeks afterwards when we were discussing it (he cheated on me with sex workers for years) was quite telling. I'd said along the lines of that he didn't/couldn't have really loved me all these years and he was adamant he had because we always supported me and wanted to look after me. I had to point out that that isn't relationship love, it's parental or pet owner love!

I'm sure he does care about you, but it's not on the way you want.

[Flittingabout]

I don't think he is flaky. This is a short new relationship and he tested out if it works for him, it doesn't so he wants out.

I think he is like many people unsure how to end it nicely.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Given you are right, OP still has the right to tell him to fuck off!

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

If you really love someone should you fight for it.

This is a bullshit myth. If it's real, healthy mutual love you shouldn't have to fight for it... and what are you fighting anyway? You're not overcoming some kind of external adversity together, you're just pandering to his needs whilst he fucks about with yours. You should still be in your honeymoon period, not waiting for him to decide whether you're worth his time or not.

[ThePluckOfTheCoward]

Let him go Op and give yourself a fighting chance of meeting someone who actually wants to live with someone they love. Tell him he needs to move out by the end of this month. If it was your flat he moved into then presumably you were coping financially on your own before, so will again. Alternatively could you move somewhere cheaper?