He wants to move out but still stay in a relationship

[CockLodgerornah]

I’ll try not to drip feed.

I met DP at the start of 2019.
He moved in with me in February 2020 and we got engaged.

A month after both of those things happened, lockdown happened. March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out. He couldn’t as he had a tenant, who will move out November 2020.

We agree to work through things. June 2020 he confirms he definitely doesn’t want to get married and he definitely will be moving out in November. He still wants to be in a relationship, he just thinks cohabiting is not for him

I love him. I really do but.....after a shit marriage, I thought I’d found someone on the same wavelength as me. I thought, I could happily spend the rest of my life with DP. DP isn’t saying he doesn’t want that, just not in the same house. And I don’t think I’m okay with that but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. I enjoy going to sleep next to him every night, I enjoy domestic life. We bloody went and got two cats together (which you know, I’m fine on keeping, I adore them)

He said, if he moves out he will be far more relaxed and will want to do things with me rather than shutting himself away all the time. But if he moves out, I’m suddenly paying all the bills again and I’ll be really tight on finances (his mortgage is half my rent etc).

Would you stay in this relationship if you loved him? I feel like I’d be sacrificing what I want from life. But he’s sacrificing what he wants from life at the moment as he thinks he’s just designed to live alone.

If you really love someone should you fight for it, how do you know when you should walk away. The thought of not having him at all is devastating and I’m worried that I’m being a bit dramatic. I can get over the not marrying thing, despite having told my family we were. (We kinda asked each other, rather than him proposing).

I’m worried that I’ll make the decision just to move on, when I could accept what he has to offer and I might be happy. I don’t think I’d want a relationship where we live apart for the rest of our lives. It makes no financial sense but apparently makes emotional sense to him. Am I being unreasonable, should I put myself first? Should I accept what he has to offer?

[Sn0tnose]

He doesn’t want to live with you, he considers living with you as being ‘forced’ into seeing you, he doesn’t want to marry you and he doesn’t want to have sex with you. So essentially, you’ve got a rather distant friend you would like to be married to.

Taking him out of the equation, what would you like? Do you want marriage? Children? Or do you want to be at the beck and call of a man who will pick you up and put you down as and when it suits him? A relationship where everything caters to him and his wants and needs but where your wants and needs are ignored?

If he doesn’t want to live with you, then he’s absolutely done the right thing for him by telling you. He shouldn’t feel guilt tripped into staying just to make you happy. BUT, you shouldn’t feel like you have to take the breadcrumbs he’s offering you just because you want to cling on to him. You’re not right for him and he’s not right for you.

[momtoboys]

I hope this all ends the way you want it to

[GarlicMonkey]

I had a similar 'thing' happen but it was me who wanted him to move out of my house. The love had completely died on my side because he was an utter pain to live with AND started taking financial advantage of me. He wined & dug his heels in, came out with the 'love's worth fighting for' lines & I did try...... but I finished up getting to the stage where even the sound of him breathing annoyed me & I threw him out. If he doesn't want to live with you now OP, he'll never want to & the more you push, the more he'll distance.

[GarlicMonkey]

Sorry, I didn't make it clear that my first request was he moved out & we carried on seeing each other. I thought it might rekindle things cos it'd been good before he moved in.

[DisobedientHamster]

And don't delude yourself about taking advantage of him financially. That's a tactic to try to hang onto him in hope he'll change his mind again.

I've seen loads of women who wanted marriage and kids blow their fertile years on a guy who wasn't on the same page, 'I think I'm meant to live alone' who then got dumped by said guy in their 40s and he met someone else in record time - 'It just happened when I least expected it' - and are married and a father the next year.

That is what you get when you decide to stay with someone you're not compatible with. They might change their minds, with someone else.

[Frozenfrogs86]

Do you have children? Do you want children in the future?
I don't think living together is essential for all relationships to work, but you have to both want the same thing. Personally I would never agree to have children with someone I didn't live with.

It does seem like he gets to have his cake and eat it. I would look for someone who is more committed and wants what you want. You aren't asking too much. It's a completely reasonable expectation - to be able to live and marry the person you love.

[feelingsomewhatlost]

OP, do you really want to spend the rest of your life living alone? Because that's the reality. You might spend a lot of time together and stay over at each other's houses, but you'll never get married, or enjoy those small intimacies that come with living together again. What he's suggesting could work if that's what you want, but you need to put your needs and wants first.

I know this won't be what you want to hear, but my ex wanted a very similar arrangement. I agreed and he broke up with me anyway.

[MrsMcCarthysFamousScones]

I would hate to accept it, him then move out and get dumped. But I’d also hate to dump him now and then that to be a mistake.

It wouldn’t be a mistake. The sex has stopped, he doesn’t want to live together any longer, realistically he’s already checked out. Letting him stay is like pulling the plaster off slowly and suffering longer than if you did it quickly. Tell him to move out now.

March 2020 he tells me he doesn’t think he wants to get married and if he had the choice he’d move back out

He’d been living with you & been engaged to you a month. He’s not the man for you.

[CockLodgerornah]

He’s just got home so...let’s see how this goes

[ferntwist]

OP don’t settle for this for the rest of your life! No cosy bedtimes, no shared weekend lie-ins, doing so much on your own. What about kids? You’re so young. Time to move on. I’d put money on him meeting someone one day that he does feel like living with.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Non-cohabiting relationships work really well for some people (me, for example -- I would hate to live with someone). But it clearly isn't what you want, and everything would be on his terms with you essentially going along with it even though its not what you want. It will eat away at your happiness and self-esteem.

If you tolerate this you're essentially allowing him to dictate the terms of everything and saying your needs are irrelevant. He will lose respect for you and the relationship will die a death.

In the nicest possible way, your idea of "love" sounds slightly delusional as well. This guy is showing you that at best he sees you as a stopgap girlfriend and he appears not even to fancy you.

You need to find your self-respect and move on.

[DisobedientHamster]

@CockLodgerornah

He’s just got home so...let’s see how this goes

You're the one holding all the cards here. You tell him to leave by the end of the month and the relationship is over. Nothing to see how it goes unless you're interested in wasting your time, because that is what you are doing. When people show you who they are, listen to them.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I'd go with it... for now.

Let him move out (to a time frame that suits YOU mind..)...

Give it a go, see if it works for you, if it doesn't then its very easy to end things as he has already moved out!

That way YOU don't have regrets, you've tried it, didn't like it, can move on.

Whether not cohabiting works for a couple is entirely up to them, the fact most of Mumsnet would hate it doesn't mean it isn't acceptable or wouldn't work for you... might be lovely, id LOVE my own space and less MAN in it but we can't afford such an option!

[rosiejaune]

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to find they prefer living alone once they've tried living together. Some people do.

Would a separate bedroom be enough, or maybe you could find a property separated into two flats to live in alone together?

But if you can't find a compromise like that then you'll have to decide which is more important to you.

[MulticolourMophead]

@rosiejaune

I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to find they prefer living alone once they've tried living together. Some people do.

Would a separate bedroom be enough, or maybe you could find a property separated into two flats to live in alone together?

But if you can't find a compromise like that then you'll have to decide which is more important to you.

But OP doesn't want a separate bedroom, she's made that clear in her posts. So this relationship is a non-starter. They don't want the same things, and it's best to get it all over with.

[Diarytime]

He’s all lodger and no cock by the sounds of it.

[Snowman123]

I can understand this.
Did he live on his own for many years? I also live alone and value my own space.
Finances aside I could cope with this arrangement.
You need to work out if it's for you though. It's probably not for everyone.
I honestly feel it's more to do with him and his need for his own space than the relationship with you.

[Paulambrown65]

I think that things at the moment are very challenging for everyone, it's definitely not a good time for relationships. Let him move out and just see how it goes from there, it could work out just fine but if not then at least you'll know for definite. I would just give him the time that he needs at the moment, we're all stressed but some more than others.
I wish you the very best of luck and hope that it all works out for you.

[Inkpaperstars]

I’d also hate to dump him now and then that to be a mistake.

It won't be a mistake. Don't fear that you might dump him, he then realises he loves you and can give you what you want, but too late because he has been dumped. That would not happen. He knows that he has set all this in motion, if he wanted to keep the relationship going on any level that would be satisfying for you then he would do so. He knows you didn't push him away first. If he wanted to be with you he would be, or would try to be, dumped or not.

Honestly, he is either right about needing to live alone and not wanting a conventional relationship, in which case he isn't right for you...or he has never wanted to live with any of the he has moved in with because he doesn't really love any of them in that way, including you unfortunately. I suspect it isn't you, it's him.

Spare yourself the hassle of spending time agonising over how to change your desires to suit him, the risk of being dumped anyway, or of spending years trying to change him. Seriously, you can do better than settle for this. Maybe ending it will help with your self esteem, it will prove to you that you do value yourself enough to give yourself the chance of something much better.

[timeisnotaline]

He’s all lodger and no cock by the sounds of it.

[Caplin]

Plenty of people do this, but it only works if you both want that, and actually for every example I think of it doesn’t last forever...but can last a long time. E.g. Helena Bonham-Carter and Time Burton; Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Also lots live separately within the home.

If you don’t want this, it won’t work. But you are only 18 maths in, but it sounds like living together isn’t for him. That’s fine if you feel the same, otherwise it is doomed.

[NudgeUnit]

If you really love someone should you fight for it

If a relationship is of any merit you shouldn't have to 'fight for it', except in the most exceptional circumstances. These are not exceptional circumstances, OP. Take a deep breath and move on.

[CockLodgerornah]

So at the moment he’s really stressed with his job, which I understand it must be hard working for the NHS at the moment. He’s lived mainly alone for most of his life, he is used to his own space and he loved his house. He can’t settle at mine. He hates it when the cats etc disturb him at night and he’s slowly becoming more and more withdrawn, he’s nit cheating, he does love me but wants to go back to how we were before we moved in together. He’s never lied to me, in fact he’s brutally honest which sometimes doesn’t work out....

I asked him what he was actually bringing to the relationship because so far he doesn’t want to have sex, he doesn’t want to marry me and he wants to move out. What am I getting from this. He looked quite sad and I can tell he’s desperate for it to work out and the only way he sees as being possible is for him to leave. He wants me to give it a go and will respect it if I say no.

[ChillinInMyBacta]

I would accept that this is the end of your relationship romantically, and if having him cohabit with you on a lodger/friend only basis will help you financially whilst he waits for his tenant to vacate, at least you would have a financial benefit.

He's leaving anyway whether you/he sincerely believe you could continue to have a relationship.

I'd cut your losses, and start planning for a future new romantic life, and maybe a lodger if you want once he's gone. He's checked out, romantically, sexually and emotionally. He's gone regardless.

[footprintsintheslow]

I second getting a lodger, that way it's a clear financial arrangement and no one feels they are being used.

He sounds a bit of a nightmare to be honest. Do you think you'd like children? If he can't tolerate a couple of cats he's not going to like the realities of parenthood. Be brave and get him to leave. Get a lodger and start to have fun again (not necessarily with the lodger).