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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 23/06/2020 17:45

Op

That fact he has a house and mortgage has nothing to do with anything

He chose to live with you, he needs to pay half of everything
He's living off the back of a single mother
Getting sex and food on tap and banks his own money
What a fucker

MadameMeursault · 23/06/2020 17:45

He’s using you. Sling him out. Who the hell has voted YABU??

LordGribeau · 23/06/2020 17:46

Ask him to open a joint savings account in both your names in order to put the Airbnb money into. His reaction to that suggestion will tell you all you need to know

Completely agree with the above. If the savings are for both of you, then you should both have access. Doubt he'll see it that way though.

Redredwine99 · 23/06/2020 17:47

You are being mugged off

Chloemol · 23/06/2020 17:48

He is increasing costs on gas, electric, water etc, plus council tax? Did you get single persons allowance. Then food as well

So he should be paying minimum a third of all bills plus food

At the moment he is profiting at your expense.

Either he pays his share, and on time, or goes back to his place

RedRec · 23/06/2020 17:48

This is not just aimed at you, OP, but it seems that Every. Single. Man. talked about on these boards is a free-loading, cock lodging, abusive waste of space. But they are all 'really nice blokes' underneath. What the hell?? I despair sometimes.
I know it can be hard to extricate yourself from a 'relationship' like this and I do not want to minimise anyone's serious dilemmas but you know the answer already. Please put yourself first and get rid of this absolute tosser. You deserve much better than this.

cstaff · 23/06/2020 17:48

And actually OP, no offence, but he really has done a number on you, so before you make any choices (especially financial) please check in with these wonderful women on here and you will be redirected if necessary. Good luck.

TooTiredTodayOk · 23/06/2020 17:48

For God's sake, just fuck him off right now, you've let him mug you off for 6 months

This is the third or fourth similar thread I've seen yesterday and today, where do you find these losers and how did that ever seem a fair financial set up to you in the first place?

JavaQ · 23/06/2020 17:51

omg. DO NOT CONTINUE (yes, I am shouting!) with this man.

Am I being taken for a mug? YES

Will it change? NO

uncomfortablydumb53 · 23/06/2020 17:53

You would be better off, in many ways having a dog instead!

Happygirl79 · 23/06/2020 17:53

He is using you

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/06/2020 17:55

He says if I met the bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him

Yes, he's produced his "defence" good and early; he knows perfectly well he's profiting from you, but has already tried to twist it round so you don't complain (I wonder if the gold-digger remark was actually one of his too)

This is otherwise known as gaslighting and is a classic sign of an abuser

Flopjustwantscoffee · 23/06/2020 17:56

so... its fine for him to save money through living with you - but he seems very put out that at the idea that you should "profit" from him living with you in any way. I can understand you being worried about being viewed as a gold digger if he earns more than you - but it sounds like hes going to use that worry to prevent you "benefitting" from any way in the relationship and thats a very very wierd way of looking at a loving relationship. At the very least Id sugges he moves back to his after lockdown - his flat is still available for him plus it will seem less of a disruption for your daughter because it will just feel like part of lockdown easing to her is X going back to their flat....

Merryoldgoat · 23/06/2020 17:56

Ffs - how how HOW does this shit keep happening to people??

OP - he is taking you for a ride.

He lives with you the. He splits the rent and bills. It’s that simple. His flat is his. He made the choice to piss about with Air B&B rather than get a proper tenant.

He’s not saving for both of you, he’s saving for himself and you know it.

You’d be an idiot to stay with a man who thinks so little of you.

Lifeisforliving123 · 23/06/2020 17:58

He pays half the rent and Bill's or he moves out and u get help.with council tax. He can sell his house and save the money. Or he moves out and u live seoerate xx

TooTiredTodayOk · 23/06/2020 18:00

You know when he's saved the house deposit, he's going to decide the relationship isn't working for him...

Or, once the deposit is saved and it comes to buying, he's going to tell you your name can't be on the house because it was him that saved all the deposit and you're contributing nothing.

ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 23/06/2020 18:02

Oh dear OP. I'm pleased you've come to MN for some wise advice.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/832443-Definitions-please-quot-Cocklodger-quot

namesnames · 23/06/2020 18:04

He is taking the piss out of you, and you are ;getting him.

Suggest you move into his house, whilst keeping the same financial agreement.

What is his reaction to this idea?

ArriettyJones · 23/06/2020 18:06

Place marking for the bit when you chuck him out OP.

LividLaughLovely · 23/06/2020 18:08

Bloody hell. Can only hope he has a goldplated cock.

When I moved my husband into my house, I made a list of every bill and we worked out exactly 50% and he paid me that every month. It seemed fair.

alittlelower · 23/06/2020 18:08

I can't believe he's getting you to pay his food costs so he can increase his savings.

What a first class bastard. You worry about looking grabby, so subsidise the higher earner. He doesn't worry about looking grabby so rips off the lower earner. PP was right. The partriarchy sure has done a number on us!

DisobedientHamster · 23/06/2020 18:09

There's no house together and saving for deposit. He has no intention of sharing anything with you, ever. Why would you believe that when he doesn't even share with you now but instead is moulding you up to allow him to live entirely free, the last bastion his 'some towards food' and 6 months in that's gone now, too. His actions speak volumes.

crusheddaffodils · 23/06/2020 18:09

He pays his mortgage because that is his asset which he will benefit from. That is separate from his living costs and if he can't afford both (although it sounds like he can), he should get a tenant.

He should then be splitting rent and all bills with you (maybe not 50/50 as you have a child but certainly a fair proportion) because you are living together.

If he's putting hundreds/thousands away each month, he can afford his mortgage and not to take the piss out of you. Does he think you should be grateful for his presence or something?
What an awful man.

dialmformarzipan · 23/06/2020 18:11

Flopjustwantscoffee and TooTiredTodayOk have nailed it .....

Btw - ask him to give you the monthly food money up front - tell him it's non-negotiable. Also, does your daughter's father contribute fairly?

EL8888 · 23/06/2020 18:12

@LividLaughLovely that’s what l did what my fiancé moved it. He then set up a monthly direct debit for his 50%