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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
Skyliner001 · 23/06/2020 16:53

@Budbudbud

He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him and he wont be able to save as much so that isnt fair? Part of me agrees with him and part of me thinks but they arent just my Bill's anymore
Just see how he would like that logic if it was reversed!
MissBPotter · 23/06/2020 16:53

Definitely not fair. Do you save £450 a month!! Thought not. I can’t believe he’s saved all that and then refuses to give you money for food. I would ask him to move out as he is massively profiting off you and taking the piss. He should pay at least half the bills (increased bills since he’s living there) and all the food (or contribute to rent or something) or he’s taking the piss.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 23/06/2020 16:55

I am almost shouting at my phone reading this (and I am really mild mannered). He is so wrong, so unreasonable that I just can’t wait to hear that you have sent him packing.

He told you that saving the money is “non negotiable”. Tell him that you stopping financially supporting a grown man is also non negotiable. Don’t argue with him. Don’t try to get him to see sense. It’s pointless. He won’t change. Just dump him.

Techway · 23/06/2020 16:56

Your bills will have gone up since he moved in plus he has saved money on paying gas, electricity, water, probadly council tax.

Deciding not to pay food is just ridiculous and proves that if you give him an inch he takes a mile.

Please assess the character of the man, it shows he is self centred as his focus is on only him. I am stunned a man could behave like this to his partner who has a small child. He is literally taking food from you.

Gulabjamoon · 23/06/2020 16:56

OMG boot him out. He has shown his true, stingy colours.

Lancrelady80 · 23/06/2020 16:57

Could he not drop the amount he chooses to save/invest whilst things are so unsettled Covidwise? Those are luxuries, not essentials. Food is non-negotiable, not savings! And what does he contribute towards your increased water/electric bills?

But if this is going to be long term then you guys need to sort out finances in more formal way. If you don't want a joint account for wages, maybe set up a joint household account and set up a regular standing order to transfer a certain amount in on payday. If that's too serious a commitment you have two options- either give him the option of doing exactly the same but into your personal account, or (the one I would recommend) consider carefully whether you are happy to be living with someone who shows so little commitment to you as a unit.

Kahiki · 23/06/2020 16:57

@HollowTalk ‘s post was not OTT.

Encouraging a woman to stand up for herself only looks OTT to people who think women should role over and pander to men.

formerbabe · 23/06/2020 16:57

Omg, he's literally living for free. Chuck him out

Coulddowithanap · 23/06/2020 16:57

So is the savings going towards a house for you both? There are some savings accounts where you lose any bonus interest if you don't pay into it each month.

However I do agree that he should be paying half food and bills (a 3 year old hardly eats compared to an adult so it shouldn't be thirds either).

pallisers · 23/06/2020 16:59

but he just said he will save it for us both.

sure he will :)

You have to be pretty special to think a single mother who earns less than you should feed you and put a roof over your head.

Tell him to move out as the financial situation isn't working for you.

babycakes1010 · 23/06/2020 17:00

If he's saving it for both of you is it in a joint savings account....I bet not

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 17:00

Thank you everyone you have given me a big reality check Smile

OP posts:
LivePositively · 23/06/2020 17:00

I can't believe you're falling for his blag and bullshit. What his expenses are with regards to his property are totally irrelevant and should not be part of the conversation. He is living in a property and he doesn't get to do that for free, that should cost him 50% (or slightly less taking your child into account ). If he leaves you you will be no better off and he will have amassed savings by sponging off you. He needs to step up or step out.

Scrumptiousbears · 23/06/2020 17:00

I agree with PP. absolutely he should be paying more. At the very least he should go back home until he can rent his place out and whilst he is back home you discuss this properly and he doesn't move in until things are fairer. I bet you're cooking and cleaning for him as well. Cheeky fucker.

oldshoeuk · 23/06/2020 17:00

I doubt he has any serious long term intentions with you. Just supposing you got married tomorrow, how would he intend to split the money then? He is clearly keeping all options open and isn't seriously investing in the relationship for whatever reason.

Therealjudgejudy · 23/06/2020 17:00

What have i just read?? Op in the nicest possible way...yes you are a mug and completly being financially abused by this piece of work. Who has the nerve to save money every month while making a single mother feed and support him?? What a classless freeloader. He doesnt respect you at all.

Apossibility84 · 23/06/2020 17:00

No mention of how he is generally and, most importantly, how he is with your 3 year old.

Based on this - his approach to money is shit.

However if he’s for example looking after your child all day whilst you work etc then perhaps there’s an element of quid pro quo?

Apileofballyhoo · 23/06/2020 17:00

Ask him to move out. His property is empty luckily for you.

Skyliner001 · 23/06/2020 17:00

@babycakes1010

If he's saving it for both of you is it in a joint savings account....I bet not
This!
frazzledasarock · 23/06/2020 17:01

But he's not using in his house;
Gas
electric
will still get discount on council tax on his property
Water - if it's metered, or I'm sure we got a discount when I bought my first home and it was not occupied due to having to do it up.

Paying internet for an empty property is his own choice he doesn't have to have an expensive internet package on a property he does not live in.

And what about the bills he'd be paying for himself for eating and drinking , which you are currently picking up.

Stop it, stop allowing him to use you. It is not greedy to demand he pays his way. And so what if you are financially slightly better off having him live with you, isn't that why most people live together to cut to benefit form the financial savings as well?

ShamanYou · 23/06/2020 17:03

he will save it for us both.

I'm sure he will. In an account you have zero access to.

Grobagsforever · 23/06/2020 17:03

Jesus Christ. He's a con artist OP

Apossibility84 · 23/06/2020 17:04

Why did you feel need to name change?

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/06/2020 17:05

Honestly, she a cheeky fucker who needs to grow up and be more responsible.

Your current arrangement isn't fair. Your subsidising someone who earns more than you. His values need a bloody quick review and you need to value yourself more.

Apossibility84 · 23/06/2020 17:05

Call his bluff
Get the docs required to set up a joint account
Fill in details
Ask him to sign

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