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Original poster

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/06/2020 17:24

tell him he leaves right now, this afternoon, or he stumps up a grand

Nice idea, Fizzy, but remember he said he has no ready money right now and that £1500 has been put in an investment fund so may well be untouchable

Convenient, huh?

MotherofTerriers · 23/06/2020 17:26

No. Just No. He is saving money by expecting you to pay for his food, as well as his electricity, council tax, etc etc etc. That's money you could have spent on your child
He is taking advantage of you massively. Ask him to leave, he has an empty property. Tell him you can't afford to keep him any more. If he wants to move back, he does so on a fair basis - any savings in a joint account, he pays half of all bills.

What a horrible stingy man, taking money from a single parent whilst saving himself hundreds of pounds every month

Schoolisback1973 · 23/06/2020 17:27

He should be paying rent, food and bills.
He is making an income from renting his house on Airbnb although not the in the last few months.
I wouldn’t rely on him to save cash for you both to buy a house if you aren’t married.
Fix this or you’ll regret it.

Kaj29 · 23/06/2020 17:28

Absolutely you are being taken for a mug. Just because he owns a house doesn’t mean he should contribute more. He lives in your house pretty much for free!! I assume the only thing he’s paying on his house is mortgage and council tax. Therefore doesn’t have to pay any bills as you are paying them. He would make more money by renting house to a tenant!

This week buy food for you and your child. Leave him go without or buy his own food if he’s being a tight ass!

MinnieMountain · 23/06/2020 17:29

Cocklodger.

Out of interest, how much housework and cooking does he do?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 23/06/2020 17:29

When he lived alone he had his own mortgage, bills and food to meet....
Now he only has his original mortgage and a bit of food?
So he wasn’t okay with you being better off by living together but he is better off as he doesn’t pay any bills anymore.... and he has his air bnb?
I’m sure your bills have increased by an extra adult living there!

titchy · 23/06/2020 17:29

but he just said he will save it for us both.

yeah sure. Bet that savings account doesn't have your name on it though.

EL8888 · 23/06/2020 17:30

YANBU l call cocklodger. He’s taking the piss lm afraid. Shame on him for leaching off you and your child. Call his bluff then if he’s subsiding you; he pays for his own (large) food bill, doesn't shower, doesn’t use appliances, doesn't use WiFi, don’t turn heating etc etc.

@Purpleartichoke exactly. Not sure how we ended up here? There are too many experiences of women paying for everything and doing everything. That isn’t equality

Thinkingabout1t · 23/06/2020 17:31

You should be paying all bills 50-50. He is taking you for a ride. But that does seem a widespread attitude among men. An ex-bf who moved in with me was shocked when I asked him to share the rent. He said I’d be paying it all if he wasn’t there so why should he!

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/06/2020 17:33

but he just said he will save it for us both.

If he paid his fair share you may be able to save for yourself!

DisobedientHamster · 23/06/2020 17:33

@Budbudbud

Because he still has his house his Bill's havent really changed, he still has council tax and mortgage and internet and stuff to pay, and when he is allowed to do air bnb he will still have all his utilities. But my Bill's have gone up. I said it seems fair if I get some of the profits from air bnb seen as he wouldnt be able to do it if he dodnt live here but he just said he will save it for us both.
He is profiting off you and your child. You are paying to have a boyfriend. Paying. From money that could be going on you and your child, whilst he saves and saves. The fuck he is saving for both of you, it's an account in his name. Non-negotiable! OMG, please, wake up and stop being such a mug. He is using you, at the expense of yourself and your child, to feather his nest. You fell for it, people like this actually target lone parents with young children, in all honesty.

Kick him out. Not later, not with explanations, not with future faking bollocks promises - future faking is very common with people like this.

And fuck where he goes. Some places are open now and he has plenty of money.

STOP paying to have A Man in your life.

And really, stop dating until you do a lot of work on your boundaries.

You should never have moved him in with this 'I'll pay some towards food, no set amount, no amount to cover his fair share of the rise in bills to be moved to your account by standing order or direct debit, not as and when he sees fit. Right there was a red gate, not a flag, to say no to living with this bloke.

He's a tight, entitled person who will financially abuse you and will never change. NEVER. There is no salvaging this.

Every single penny you've spent on his to feed him and keep the power running for him to charge his phone, heating, etc. is a penny YOU could have been saving for you and your child.

wildcherries · 23/06/2020 17:33

He needs to pay or go. The cheek. He really is taking you for a mug. Stop letting him.

FinallyHere · 23/06/2020 17:33

seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

Ha ha ha ha ha

Is the only response I can imagine to that. I think you have the results of the experiment. Well done for not giving up your rental.

Oh dear, just read the bit about his savings.

Good on him but seriously, what are you thinking? just ask him to leave.

FeeLock28 · 23/06/2020 17:36

He's taking advantage of you financially and emotionally. I'll bet that his 'doing his share around the house' wouldn't qualify anything beyond 'very visibly doing noble things', rather than down on his knees and cleaning behind the loo, etc.

Suggest you research how much you would have to pay, were the situation reversed, then consider how much he's benefiting. What do you get?

crazychemist · 23/06/2020 17:36

If he agreed to pay towards food bills, he needs to do that. If that means his savings take a hit, that's just part of life. Nobody else gets to not pay for food and prioritise saving!

I do think more generally you need to rethink the balance, it doesn't seem reasonable that he doesn't pay anything towards rent/bills when he is living with you. I can understand you were trying to be generous in the short term as he can't get rental income at the moment, but in the long term that needs to change. He should contribute towards rent and you should BOTH save towards a deposit. Otherwise what happens if you break up? If it's before you buy a property, he has the deposit, you don't. If it's after, he could argue that the deposit was all from him, and he is entitled to get that back before the rest of the value is split. That's not reasonable, and it's not how a partnership works.

Connie222 · 23/06/2020 17:38

Fuck off.

(Him, not you).

Newwayofthinking · 23/06/2020 17:38

Either...

He pays half of all bills and you pay mortgage

Or get rid because he probably won't ever share his money.

What's yours is his, what's his is his

DisobedientHamster · 23/06/2020 17:39

Don't even try to negotiate or engage with him because he has already shown he can twist and manipulate you and the situation to his advantage.

He has a house to go to.

Don't ask. TELL him. 'I'm done paying to have a man in my life. I don't have to. You go back to your house tonight.'

You can only be taken for a mug if you let someone do it.

DarkDarkNight · 23/06/2020 17:41

He is fully taking the piss!

He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him and he wont be able to save as much so that isnt fair? Part of me agrees with him and part of me thinks but they arent just my Bill's anymore

So what if you can meet the bills? He is living there too and should be contributing.

Not giving you any money for food shows how little he thinks of you. Why should you pay for his food while he is continuing to save and invest money? Is this really somebody you see a future with? Do you think he will support you in the future if you have a child with him? You’re asking for trouble.

You are not profiting off him, quite the opposite. Firstly your bills may well have gone up, secondly he is saving on his bills as they will have fallen while no one is living in his property full time. You are subsidising him paying his mortgage.

cstaff · 23/06/2020 17:42

Oh fuck no OP. He needs to pay up now or get the fuck out right now. What a cocklodger

I like the idea of producing a form for a joint savings account and attempting to get him to sign when he transfers his savings over. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about him.

TeaAndHobnob · 23/06/2020 17:42

I've heard it all now.

It's costing you money to have him live with you! You should be saving money with a second adult in the house. But you're not because he's a tight fisted git.

As a MINIMUM he should be paying towards the extra cost of electric, gas, council tax, food that comes with him. This is bare minimum bottom of the barrel stuff.

Any normal partner would go 50:50 on everything when moving in. And considering he's making money on his Airbnb cos he's not living there half of that profit should be coming to you as well as it's only cos you're providing a roof that he can even rent it out, otherwise he'd be living there instead.

tensmum1964 · 23/06/2020 17:42

Yep, typical sponger and totally taking the piss.

C152H · 23/06/2020 17:43

Sorry, OP, but he is taking the piss, and taking you for a mug.

If he's moved in with you, he splits ALL the bills - rent, food, electricity etc. Almost every bill you have will increase by virtue of having another person using additional resources.

You can't invest if you aren't willing to lose money. If he's got £1,500 a month to invest, then he can afford to split the bills with you; he's just choosing not to. Protect yourself and your child and tell him he either pays up or moves out.

LightenUpSummer · 23/06/2020 17:43

I describe my xh as like having an expensive pet. Wasn't worth it in the end of course.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby Where has this come from? I suffer from it too. The patriarchy has done a real number on us. It's actually evil genius, this move. You've almost got to admire the sheer balls of it (as it were).

Gulabjamoon · 23/06/2020 17:43

Keep us updated, OP! Smile