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Original poster

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
onceuponatimeinsuburbia · 23/06/2020 18:12

Time for a difficult conversation. You say that he said he's saving for a deposit on a place for both of you. If your name isn't on that joint savings account and you don't have access to the money, then he's talking bollocks. He's freeloading and letting you take the hit. If he isn't prepared to have a grown up conversation now about (a) paying his way (b) putting your name on the savings account and agreeing that neither of you can withdraw from it without the other countersigning - the bank or whoever can set that up and (c) the real value of renting his house vs selling it and using the money investing in your future together, then your trial cohabitation ends. Sorry OP but these are all issues that should have been addressed before you moved in together. If they were and you've been misled, shame on him. If they weren't you need have that conversation now and get everything tied up with a (legal) bow. if he's a keeper and he loves you he won't have any problem with it. If he does have a problem, he isn't.

Hanab · 23/06/2020 18:16

If he walks away tomorrow do you get a share of the ‘savings’ .. if not ... he needs to pay up over and above as in my experience men eat way more ( In MY EXPERIENCE .. not saying all men!) or be booted out! Non negotiable!

ShadowMane · 23/06/2020 18:17

@Budbudbud

He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him and he wont be able to save as much so that isnt fair? Part of me agrees with him and part of me thinks but they arent just my Bill's anymore
Hes a cunt, thats it.

Ask him to leave

MashedPotatoBrainz · 23/06/2020 18:18

When my husband moved in with me he gave me the same amount he'd been paying for his own flat. I pointed out that this was more than my entire outgoings but he still kept paying it and told me to save anything left over. In his head, that was how much it cost him to live so that was how much he was going to pay, everything else was irrelevant.

Shouldhavedoneitsooner · 23/06/2020 18:18

It sounds like a cocklodger but if you want to keep trying, you could say that you will save anything that you save from sharing bills and then that can be your contribution to the future deposit. Then you are keeping it in you name so will have something when he walkS away. He needs to pay for his food that is outrageous.

Domino45 · 23/06/2020 18:19

He’s definitely taking you for a mug and using you as a way to save money. If the relationship ends in the future he’ll have a better bank balance but you won’t. He’s spotted a comfy opportunity!! He either needs to move out or start contributing. If he lived on his own and couldn’t afford food he would have to use his savings. But thinks it’s okay to sponge off you.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/06/2020 18:19

He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him
Have you posted about him
Before? This has been said before. These exact words.

He is making money by living off you. He is not saving for you both. Ill bet my entire Friends DVD collection the savings are in an account in his name alone. You will never see or benefit from the money he is making from living almost for free off you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/06/2020 18:19

it seems that Every. Single. Man. talked about on these boards is a free-loading, cock lodging, abusive waste of space. But they are all 'really nice blokes' underneath

They have to act really nice otherwise women wouldn’t have them under their roof.

If he doesn’t pay he doesn’t eat.

Why would you continue to buy food for this guy.

As soon as you wise up he will be off with his nice savings account.

If these savings were for both of you why isn’t your name on them as well.

needsahouseboy · 23/06/2020 18:25

Why on earth would you put up with this? It’s so utterly disrespectful and also very unattractive

KatharinaRosalie · 23/06/2020 18:27

Marian Keyes 'Last Chance Saloon': "But later, when Thomas came home with Tara, Katherine and Liv, he wouldn't contribute to the taxi-fare. 'No,' he said bluntly. 'If I weren't here, you'd have to pay what you always pay. It's daft if you profit from me being here'.

Thomas was a miserable mean and stingy bastard as well.

Ask him to open a joint savings account in both your names in order to put the Airbnb money into. His reaction to that suggestion will tell you all you need to know.

Yup.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/06/2020 18:28

He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him and he wont be able to save as much so that isnt fair

But your bills are higher after he has moved in. Who is profiteering here.

The single parent paying more in council tax, gas and electric and food etc to have her bf move in or the bf who pays nothing towards living expenses but sticks away £300 in his name each month

The fact he used the word profiteering suggests he is thinking along those lines of how much profit he is making out of you

raspberryk · 23/06/2020 18:28

This is awful, my dp has lived with my 2 kids and I for almost 2 years. We were together for a year before he moved in.
He pays 50% of the rent and bills, we have similar ish low income. He pays for his phone. I pay for my phone, my car and about 3/4 of the food and children's costs come directly from child maintenance as I run a seperate account for that which generally covers their uniforms, shoes, swimming lessons, occasional extras.

Needtheadvice · 23/06/2020 18:30

Jaw is dropped! He's running rings around you, either he coughs up and starts the joint savings for both of you or he needs to leave before he ruins you, not just financially as he is playing mind games as well.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 23/06/2020 18:30

He needs to pay you half of his rent (or your rent which ever is greater) when it is rented and half of all bills and half of all food shopping. Why are women such mugs?

Ethicalbluey45 · 23/06/2020 18:33

He definitely is the original gold digger I think you need to sit down with him and renegotiate the terms of your finances better now than somewhere down the line and if he is not happy with that he knows where he can go , he is living off you rent free and sounds like eating for free as well. Fuck that for a laugh even if it ended today he still comes up trumps no one at his house to kick out its always there for him when he needs it AIR BNB my arse

KatharinaRosalie · 23/06/2020 18:33

What kind of person lies to her lower earning partner (who has been feeding him and paying his share of bills) that he cannot contribute, and sticks his money in his personal savings? Not a very nice person, for sure. I would even say a deliberate cocklodger.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/06/2020 18:34

"He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him and he wont be able to save as much so that isnt fair? Part of me agrees with him and part of me thinks but they arent just my Bill's anymore"

He's a cocklodger and you should get him out of your house ASAP. He is nothing but a bloody parasite.

Tell him you cannot afford to keep him any more and he should return to his own home. It's empty, so there's nothing to stop him.

"I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby"
And I would bet good money that worry came about by him dropping hints, making apparently unrelated comments, showing disapproval of
women being assertive. You have been played and manipulated OP. Kick his arse out, he is living off of you and has no respect for you. Sad

comingintomyown · 23/06/2020 18:36

Regarding profiting from the bills I only charge my adult DS a nominal figure basically the 25% council tax discount I lose because that is a straight cost to me then a bit on top. But this is my child who is a saving for the future. Your partner is using the same or harsher logic when he earns more than you and you have a young child.

I don’t think it’s OTT to suggest you seriously think about ending things with him because of what his logic says about him as a person and how he will treat you now and always

Toptotoeunicolour · 23/06/2020 18:36

Please start as you mean to go on or it will only get worse.
The savings he makes will be in his name and he will take them with him when you split up - so he can't expect you to be okay with that.
Your living space is halved since he moved in with you - you should not be expected to pay for 100% of the space if he is now occupying half. Same goes for bills.
He moves in, you split the costs.

The only way to delay it reasonably is if he can't rent out his place yet - best to wait until he can I think, if he's not prepared to do 50/50 at least now.
None of this is boding well for the future though. Once a mean git, always a mean git in my experience. And there are few things less attractive.

SweetStrawb · 23/06/2020 18:36

So he's saving money, getting fed and getting his leg over. Male fantasy right there

Ellisandra · 23/06/2020 18:36

Nobody should be giving you suggestions on fair ways to handle this going forward.

You are a fool if you don’t just get rid of him.

There are arguments to made that you shouldn’t profit from him even if he earns more, blah blah blah...

But bottom line here - he has saved £300 plus a £1500 whilst you paid for his food.

This is not about fair share, this is about him absolutely taking the piss out of you.

TARSCOUT · 23/06/2020 18:37

Do you get any form of benefits over and above single person council tax discount. Assuming you've lost all these now if you've declared hes moved in so I guess you won't be covering your bill's any more. You'll need to also take into account his higher insurance for having a property lying empty. I would write down who has what outgoings and take it from there.

category12 · 23/06/2020 18:37

He's absolutely taking you for a mug.

You should both be better off if you move in together. You're significantly worse off.

He's saving away allegedly for your future together, but you have zero claim on it, so it's meaningless. especially given he's making you struggle in the here and now and expecting you to pick up his financial slack to enable his saving. If he was saving into an account you held jointly it would be different, but he's not, is he?

Basically he's taking you for a ride, and this is why it's very fortunate you've found out now, and he still has somewhere to fuck the fuck off to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/06/2020 18:39

Is there any going back for you with this man, OP? I mean, he has rebutted all question of actually paying for anything, has deceived you and is quite happy for you to pay for him.

I don't care what his cock is like, it's a shocking example to set your daughter and better no man than one like this. I would get rid before your child sees too much more of this.

LISTEN TO THIS: You are a single mum. That doesn't mean that you're a single rate person who should settle for any man. You're better than that, really you are.

If and when you meet somebody who is a decent partner, you'll be posting about how many roast potatoes to cook at Christmas, not sad threads like this one.

Please... get rid. Today. He has a house to go to. Tell him to go and AirB&B himself there... Angry

Scarydinosaurs · 23/06/2020 18:39

His argument makes no sense.

He has the benefit of having his house- he pays his bills but it’s an investment. And one he intends to make money out of.

Not only that- but he would also be paying for food wherever he lived- so why isn’t he paying that?

You have literally no benefit from living with him. Any other couple benefits by living together and sharing expenses. You don’t.

I’d ask him to move out. It would save you money.