Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair? Finances related.

339 replies

Budbudbud · 23/06/2020 16:37

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

OP posts:
Rainycloudyday · 23/06/2020 17:05

Ask him to open a joint savings account in both your names in order to put the Airbnb money into. His reaction to that suggestion will tell you all you need to know.

He is absolutely taking the piss. You’d be better off having an actual lodger that paid rent money that could benefit you and your daughter, not a cocklodger.

Unfortunately some men see single mums as an easy target and think they’ll be so desperate for a boyfriend that they can take the piss and scrounge from them financially. Kick him out without delay and raise your bar for next time. Anyone who starts a discussion about moving in by saying ‘you’d be paying all your bills anyway’ needs binning immediately. I’d be so turned off by a man that wasn’t falling over himself to pay his way. Nothing less appealing than a bloke who wants a woman to fund him.

STAYTHEFUCKHOME · 23/06/2020 17:05

So if this arrangement continued until 1st Jan, and then he left - he’d be quids in from saving, he’d have a property he owned. In comparison, you’d be much worse off after extra bills due to his costs?

R2519 · 23/06/2020 17:07

If you 2 were to separate OP he would walk away with a house to move back into and a lot of savings in the bank as well. He is taking you for a mug. Im sorry but he is. He is renting out his house, pocketing the rent, paying a bit for food and living with you rent free. Not on and i urge you to change this.

If he says he is using his savings for a deposit for a house for you both how about he splits the amount he saves each month and gives you half then you can save an equal amount in your name so if anything was to go wrong you would have money in your bank account.

Sparklfairy · 23/06/2020 17:07

So what would happen if you moved in with him with this arrangement reversed?

I'd suggest it and see what his reaction is. And say the rent you'll be saving by not living in the place you're in now, you'll save to put towards a house for you both Wink

I guarantee he will hate the idea. Why is it ok for him to do it and not you I wonder?

Longdistance · 23/06/2020 17:11

He’s making money off your back at your expense.
Give him the elbow. He’s taking the piss out of you!

TickleMeElbow · 23/06/2020 17:11

He's a massive cheeky Fucker OP.

m00rfarm · 23/06/2020 17:11

So - you say to him that if you move into his house, then you pay for nothing including food, as you have to save money. So as he was paying the mortgage and the bills already, why shiould you have to pay anything. If he is happy with that, then prepare to move!

Quietheart · 23/06/2020 17:13

@Budbudbud

He says if I met the Bill's anyway and he pays towards them then I'm profiting off him and he wont be able to save as much so that isnt fair? Part of me agrees with him and part of me thinks but they arent just my Bill's anymore
Does he think he’s a lodger with benefits because even a lodger has to pay their way. You will use more gas, elec, water as well as food.

You are subsidising him paying for a home he owns but doesn’t live in.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/06/2020 17:16

At the very least he should go back home until he can rent his place out and whilst he is back home you discuss this properly and he doesn't move in until things are fairer

This ^^
I can sort of see him not paying towards the rent since it's your tenancy, but he should certainly pay towards the increased bills and to make up for your loss of Council Tax discount

Oh, and forget that "saving for both of us" unless it's in joint names - what he really means is that he'll keep it all for himself while he sees if a better offer comes along

AllsortsofAwkward · 23/06/2020 17:16

Are you claiming as a single parent? For all intents and purposes even though he isn't giving you money he would be viewed as living with you and would be expected to contribute the household.

GabriellaMontez · 23/06/2020 17:17

He is lining his investments while you pay for him to eat and the costs of keeping a roof over his head.

Who is profiting here?

It's generally a but cheaper to share with someone. You should both expect to see outgoings drop if you move in together.

I suggest you move him out.

Start prioritising you and your daughter. Have some self respect.

This is the worst of the cocklodger threads I've read for a while.

Eddielzzard · 23/06/2020 17:18

Save it for us both errr doesn't seem that way! Do you know how much he's 'saved for you'? Do you get a say in these savings? This is very unequal. No wonder he's nice to have around. He's keeping you sweet while he leeches!

FurbabyLife · 23/06/2020 17:18

Ask him to move out immediately. No good can come from this!!

gypsywater · 23/06/2020 17:18

He should be paying half the rent and bills.

Nottherealslimshady · 23/06/2020 17:19

But he's costing you money on the bills. More food is being cooked. More water boiled. More showers taken. More washing done. You're actually subsidising him. He's saving a fortune and taking the right piss out of you.
You're better off not living with him. He's better off living with you. That's an imbalance that need rectifying. You both should be benefiting. So whatever hes saving by living with you needs spitting in half and giving to you as his contribution to living with you. IN ADDITION to paying for his own food and utilities.
So say his usually expenditure is 1k a month on his house. £200 of that is his food. £50 is energy usage. So he gives you £250 for his living costs. Then he has 750 left over that hes gaining by living with you. You both get £375. Mutually beneficial.

HollowTalk · 23/06/2020 17:19

@ThePants999

This is crap of him and YANBU for sure, but HollowTalk's post was just hilarious in its OTTness.
So I am hilarious for telling a single mum who's renting a place to not put up with a man who owns his place, rents it out, pays nothing towards bills and THEN ON TOP OF THAT says he has no money for food and is now saving that money for himself?

I wouldn't want to live in your world, @ThePants999. I won't watch women being used and tell them to put up with it, but you go ahead if you can live with yourself.

cheeseontoastwithonions · 23/06/2020 17:19

Bloody hell he saw you coming!!!

Ragtime69 · 23/06/2020 17:19

presumably this money he is saving is in both your names?

Quartz2208 · 23/06/2020 17:21

He is profiting massively off you because he isnt paying for his food and his bills are lower at his because he is using things at yours.

Plus if he wasnt there you would have single council tax and other benefits.

The fact he doesnt want to pay you food money (even though he is saving it), doesnt want to help you out and is arguing you are profiting would be a dealbreaker for me

FizzyGreenWater · 23/06/2020 17:21

You're being utterly, utterly used.

Pack his bags right now and tell him he leaves right now, this afternoon, or he stumps up a grand. Right now. It'll go some way towards making good the absolute shedload of living expenses that he owes you.

If he says no, throw him out. Right there and then.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/06/2020 17:22

No wonder he's nice to have around. He's keeping you sweet while he leeches!

Exactly

Should OP become firmer as to what's expected, she'll almost certainly see a less pleasant side to him

MashedPotatoBrainz · 23/06/2020 17:23

He's taking the piss. You're funding his savings at your and your child's expense.

to be honest, I think if you need to have a discussion about something like this, then you might as well cut your losses right now. A decent person doesn't need to be told that they need to pay their way.

TowandaForever · 23/06/2020 17:23

You must be having to pay full council tax now that there are two adults in your property too?

Angelonia · 23/06/2020 17:23

Of course you would be 'profiting' from him, in the sense that when two people move in together they both usually benefit from it financially as it's cheaper to run one place than two.

As it is he's making all the savings and you're making none! He says he's putting the money away for both of you, but unless it's going into a joint account you have absolutely no proof that will happen.

It was already a hugely unfair situation. And now he's refused to pay for food! You must put your foot down OP. This guy is taking money that you should be spending on you and your child.

Annoyedatyourbs · 23/06/2020 17:24

Your water , electricity, food and all household Bill's will have increased because of the extra person.

Whilst I dont believe he should be contributing to rent

He needs to split the other Bill's