Is this fair? Finances related.

[Budbudbud]

Name changed for this.

Been with bf 2 years, he moved in at the start of the year, he owns a house I rent and have a 3 year old. It made sense for him to move in here because if it didnt work out I didnt want the upheaval of moving lots for my child.

I was already worried about coming off as a gold digger or grabby so was careful when we discussed finances, he earns more than me and his mortgage is less than my rent and I obviously have more out goings having a child.

He said he was going to rent out his house on air bnb (we live in a tourist place but since lockdown he hasn't been able to obviously). And save the money for a house deposit for us both.

I meet my bills every month but there is never very much to spare, he said seen as I meet the bills anyway and he will still have a house to pay for it's fair if he just pays some towards the food bill and I pay everything else.

So that's the situation except now hes said he cant give me any food money this month (despite eating more then me and 3 year old put together) as he only has £5 in his bank account and doesnt get paid till Tuesday. I just said fine you cant give what you dont have but was a bit pissed off.

He told me that on Saturday and has still managed to put £300 away in savings this.month which he does every month and apparently is non negotiable and he has put an extra £1500 in to some investment fund. But he doesn't have any money for food??

Am I being taken for a mug? I dont know how to talk to him about it if I am. He is really good in every other way, great with my child, caring, funny and does his share around the house. Is it fair if hes pulling his weight in other ways? I dont want to rock the boat if I'm being silly it just feels unfair I have nothing and he still gets to save £££ every month.

I do wonder if these threads are started for the fun of it... Call me cynical but how could anybody be this gullible?

I mean OP is enabling him to save ££ a month believing this money will go towards their home... If he breaks up with her in a year's time, he walks away with ££££ and she has nothing. Hmmm.

Yes, you are absolutely being taken for a mug. I would suggest you really think about Your long term future with someone who is willing to live off you.

He might agree to your terms now but ultimately it will regress.

@Rainycloudyday by your logic...op's daughter should be paying 1/3 of the bills too !!!

I agree that if you move into a home where there are already dc you still pay 50:50, or you're not the sort of person who should be there. Children know when they're unwanted by a parent's partner (sad voice of experience here).

Also agree that your child is young enough to forget him if you do split up, whereas any older and she'll start missing him. However, dc do start loving people "in loco parentis" very early on so it's always hard to lost them (again, voice of experience, poor me etc)

As a PO said ip thread, your proposal is fair but in your current position, I would not start by suggesting it.

Anyone who can move in, no contribute to bills and they tell you they cannot contribute to the join food bills because they are prioritising their own savings had an "interesting" point of view. I would want to clear up how they think it is fair before starting any negotiation.

Even if he were saving in joint names, with both signatures required to withdraw ( he isn't, is he or you would have had to sign to open the account) why does he get to decide how much you jointly save and decide that you will subsidise his living costs to make it work.

I'd want an explanation first, because I trey don't think there is a satisfactory one. As another poster said up thread , even if you can negotiate a fair deal now, you really shouldn't have to. If you want someone in your life, make them someone decent who would not save at the expense of your child.

All the best

[quote myusernamewastakenbyme]@Rainycloudyday did you miss the bit where i said the kids were under 18?
Do you expect kids still at school to pay towards utility bills...if so you are the massive cf.[/quote]
No I didn’t miss that... 17 year olds are not cheap to keep, why on earth should your new boyfriend cover those costs?! And the alternative to that isn’t that they should pay for themselves - where on earth did that idea come from?! You should pay, as their parent. You seem to be considering any other option first though, including that they pay their own bills which no one else suggested for a second!

@rainycloudyday where did you get that they were 17....they were 9 and 12....of course he should have gone 50/50....2 adults in the house so the bills are split 50/50...I certainly did not expect him to pay towards anything for my kids but if he had stayed living alone he was paying 100% of his utilities...so to move in with me we split it down the middle...you really are stupid if you cant see that

One of the benefits of living together is that two can live more cheaply than one

I have a feeling the way this will go and I hope you come back on later and tell us it’s all sorted and you’ve proven us all wrong!

ou could get rid, and in the future, meet a guy who really does see you as an equal. All the time you're with this guy, is a waste of time, and you could miss out on meeting someone decent

This

Can you imagine going through life with a life partner who, even if he does accept your deal, will always be trying to find a way to screw other people out of their money and people will be thinking that as he is your partner, you approve and agree with his conduct?

I mean even a complete stranger would have more consideration for a single mother's finances than this man who is supposed to love you.

Twice as many adults is going to double the size of meals
As said, the opposite happened to me going from 3 adults to 2 and it's made very little difference. I still had to buy all the same ingredients and the extra in quantity made little difference.

The issue though is that OP said the food was already included in the £150, and later sausage wants an extra £200 for the food so she needs to be clear if it's 150 or £350.

£700 a month on bills that doesn't include rent sounds quite a lot.

He doesn't sound particularly nice. He's having his cake and eating it.

If you decide to split further down the line he will have paid down his mortgage and increased his equity and have savings. You will have been treading water as you are not in a position to save for your own home due to subsidising his living expenses.

Am I being taken for a mug?
Yes! I'm afraid you are. He's treating your home literally as a free place to stay, eat and drink whilst he not only saves his salary but plans to make money on his home too.

His moving in with you means, your bills have gone up and your benefits have gone down eg you lose your single person council tax discount etc.
Yep! And he's costing you money too. Are you on UC? His staying with you will likely affect those payments too.

Kick him out he's taking you for a ride. and in future split bills fifty:fifty.
This ^^ Tell him what you've said here (abridged or not - up to you) but make it plain how you feel. It's all sounds like "jam tomorrow" when you need essentials now.

Is there a convention where guys learn to do this stuff? I keep reading similar threads on MN.

I'm not sure how that works for you, dontdisturbme. I noticed a distinct difference in grocery bills when my ex left. (Also when my adult daughter moved out and then moved back in again) . And it's basic common sense, isn't it? Two meals out of the same ingredients is going to use more than one.

I also think people eat quite differently as couples than they do living alone. You'd be more likely to have, say, beans on toast on your own or with the kids, while with a bloke living there, you're more likely to cook a full meal.

OP I hope you're listening. He's having a laugh (at your expense,)

I think there’s a whole school of thought among some men that women will “take all you’ve got” and they need to constantly guard against it.

I’m honestly not sure where it comes from.

[quote myusernamewastakenbyme]@rainycloudyday where did you get that they were 17....they were 9 and 12....of course he should have gone 50/50....2 adults in the house so the bills are split 50/50...I certainly did not expect him to pay towards anything for my kids but if he had stayed living alone he was paying 100% of his utilities...so to move in with me we split it down the middle...you really are stupid if you cant see that[/quote]
I said 17 just as an example meaning that kids under 18 can still be expensive to have living with you. My point still stands. And I maintain my opinion that he shouldn’t be expected to pay 50/50 costs if he’d moved in. He wouldn’t need as big a house without your children to accommodate, which would of course be cheaper. The bills would be considerably lower without their energy and consumption for a start, plus of course food - these costs are fairly high once kids are at the sort of age yours are and will only go up. It’s not the point of this thread so let’s not derail it by arguing but there’s really no need to be unpleasant and start calling me stupid because I disagree with your view that your new boyfriend is liable for the costs of accommodating and feeding your children that aren’t his as soon as he moves in. I would personally think that more of a 60/40 split (max, on his side) would be reasonable in that sort of situation. It’s irrelevant anyway as you didn’t agree on what was fair so it didn’t happen anyway. Just pointing out that I don’t think your demands were particularly fair and I wouldn’t be impressed in his shoes!

Wait wait wait...
He was only ever paying towards food... and yet you were paying the increase in the council tax?
Think very carefully about what kind of man would do that, and you only have yourself to blame it you stay with him.

Your suggestion of a fair split?
Learn two things from it...

1. That you should have done that before he turned up with his freeloading backside
2. That you should do that if you meet someone else in future

He expected you to pay for his food, whilst he pocketed his money.

Have you ANY way of explaining why you want a boyfriend who treats you like that?

^ What Ellisandra said.

He. Is. A. Sponger.

He bleats he can't afford to pay for food but is stashing money away in his savings account while looking to you to feed him. You who earns less than him. You that has a son to care for (and three year olds are not cheap!).

He didn't even pay for the increased Council Tax? He let you pay that? That's - gobsmacking.

And still, you have convinced it will be 'fair' if he pays for his food? No, that is NOT fair. If he wants to live in your house, he pays his fair dhare. Two adults, half the running costs.

Only paying for his food is NOT fair.

@Budbudbud

disobedienthamster bit harsh.

I have spoken to my mum who was equally as appalled. I have also just done some sums and with my increased utilities and council tax and food bill he is costing me about £150 a month.

I'm thinking of fair solutions, how does this sound....we add up what everyone's bills are and split it in two, that alone makes me about £150 better off. Then we open joint savings and the £1800ish he has put in his savings since living here goes directly in it.

He must also put £200 a month in to my bank account to cover food. My food bill used to be £40-£50 a week for me and DD and looking through my bank statement it has gone up to about £90 a week.

I am going to have the conversation tonight I just want all my facts right and what I actually want to.make it fair sorted first.

Funny, this guy is literally taking money out of your child's mouth, has costs you hundreds already, hasn't given you money for his own food because he's saving it and I'm the one who's harsh. You're tying yourself in knots trying to be fair to a person who is anything but to you and your child, desperate to hang onto A Man. You say he costs you an extra £150/month but then mention he's driven up your food bill by £160/month alone (rate of £40 a week). £200/month all in isn't fair, it's ripping you off.

@disobedientHamster is blunt but right, sorry OP.

@Andwoooshtheyweregone

I have a feeling the way this will go and I hope you come back on later and tell us it’s all sorted and you’ve proven us all wrong!

Yep. He's magically seen the light, he's so nice after all.

Then there will be further threads under new names about his tightness. They usually go the same way: woman hangs onto financially abusive man because A Man is better than No Man, woman of course gets pregnant but A Man doesn't want to get married, woman has used up her savings or put her maternity leave on a credit card because A Man is all about equality, woman quits job because she doesn't earn enough to pay childcare/moves into his house as has no income, A Man gets worse, woman stays. Sad, particularly for the kid dragged into it who learns the lesson that A Man is better than No Man. Cycle repeats.

Woman has no pension and A Man can literally throw her out on the street because it's his house and they're not married.

He should pay towards your rent and your bills and food , all of them, as that s where he lives. 50% because I doubt a 3 year old Is racking up much in the way of food or household bills.
He other house is then his entirely, he makes a profit or it pays for itself being rented out.
I wouldn’t put up with this - if he doesn’t like it he can move out and the fact that you’d have it all to pay if he wasn’t there is a moot point - he IS there.

If he owns a house is there no equity in it to provide w deposit?

I honestly think this guy has seen pound signs, he’s realised he can rent out his place, keep the cash, live for free at yours, and is now pushing it as far as he can to see if youlll also pay to feed him,

As soon as you remove the financial benefit, he will be gone.