DD's friend - mum asking for childcare

[MrsAbigail]

I work term time. DD's friend mum has asked if I can watch her daughter a couple of days a week during the 6 week holiday  WIBU to day no!

I have 3 dc myself and her dd can be quite challenging and really hard work (I have had her over for tea a few times). I really don't know how to tell mum

On the "these are desperate times" thing... Surely all the childminders are as capable of minding children as they ever were? It's desperate times for them too.
What does this woman usually do for childcare? Sounds like she's just averse to actually paying for the privilege.

Just say no and don't go into any details or blame pandemic (which if she asked you last year too, is clearly not the cause).

You choose to have a term time job so you have cover in the holidays. She needs to find her own cover.

In these extraordinary circumstances, I think she’s probably desperate.

Except she's asked before, and it didn't work out for the OP then.

I don’t have kids, but I don’t I don’t think it’s cheeky if she was offering a small fee.
To ask someone to do it for free is a bit cheeky.
But then I can’t judge as I imagine she is desperate and i have not walked in her shoes.

@Beatrixpotterspencil you're not allowed to accept a small fee without being registered.

I don't think there is any other arena where people would do work for free or advise others to do work for free. Voluntary work for good causes is different because no profit is being made but working parents work to make money.

Yet again the work that women tend to do is seen as valueless.

The only way I have seen this kind of arrangement work is if both parents are working and alternate looking after each other’s children. It’s not fair to ask someone to do it if you aren’t reciprocating or the arrangement doesn’t benefit them.

I do think lot of people are going to be really stuck this summer. I work from home anyway, but the children are never usually at home with me all summer. They go to grandparents or sports clubs, neither of which is an option this year. It’s good to be a looong summer.

Has the woman offered to pay you?

I would definitely just say an outright no. Everyone has had enough to deal during the period of lockdown. You don't need an added extra. She can pay a childminder.

It's incredibly cheeky to ask you at all considering she isn't your friend.

If it didn't work out last holidays, just say no.

I would say something like:

"I'm really sorry, I can't help out this summer. With my 3 DC to consider, a regular commitment like this wouldn't work."

"It's 12 days, 2 days per week x 6 weeks."

It's only 12 days in total, but long term commitment is the hardest part. You can't just say sorry, can't do it this week/this day, can you find someone else. They expect you to be available, so no chance of unplanned fun on those days/weeks. That's too much to ask from the parents of your dc's friend, not close friends or family, imo.

What does this woman usually do for childcare

She possibly uses a children care nursery / our of school care / maybe she normally asks a relative who's vulnerable to infection.

Why can people not see that this is not a normal summer and people are struggling?

Blackbear, I can see that people are struggling. But to take care of someone else's child 2 days a week, possibly whole day, for 6 weeks is a big commitment to make. I would do it for every now and then as a favour, but not for 6 weeks.

Some play schemes are open! Obviously this will be dependent on your location as well. I sent my DC to a play scheme during Easter holidays this year. Some are doing the best to help parents out. Perhaps you could research and send your friend anything you find?

Why can people not see that this is not a normal summer and people are struggling?

It's not OPs problem though and they are not friends. Why can't people see that it's not for OP to provide free childcare to some random woman whose child happens to go to the same school as her child.

If she has to take unpaid leave or quit, well that's unfortunate but that's just the way things go. This is like if she became injured and couldn't go to work, and asked OP to go and work in her office in her place 2 days a week for 6 weeks. Or asked OP to get another job 2 days a week and give her the money. It's the same thing - unless you see childcare as something that isn't work and should be done for free. They aren't even friends!

Does this woman's child have a father on the scene? Does he have any mates who could help him out?

This in spades. Has this women's DH called up OPs DH and asked him to look after the kid? Would never happen. Has he used up all his parental leave, annual leave, etc and called up all his friends?

OP if you haven’t already declined the text - perhaps you could connect her directly with some of the PPs in here who would be delighted to help her out.

@Blackbear19
look just because someone has a problem with childcare doesn't mean another person has to do it or offer to do especially IF AS OP HAS SAID she cant cope with the dc because the dc is difficult
& are you expecting her to do it for free - as stated if you care for a dc more than 2 hours A WEEK you have to be registered & insured against anything happening
Op wont be able to use her car - take her dc out (perhaps to ops family in garden visits - etc etc) -
yes it is a big social problem at the moment but its not one op has to sort out - she HAS done favours for the lady in the past & it didn't work well
so simply no I wouldn't want to expose my dc to someone who resents looking after her -

YANBU to say no. However, as has been pointed out, it's different this year. If your DD is friends with hers, I'd tell her you can't commit to this but you're happy to commit to specific play dates on specific dates so that she knows now those dates are days she doesn't need to find childcare. Then agree 2 or 3 days over the holidays now that will be official play date days. Even if the child is hard work, this way you are b being at least a little helpful and your dd will probably enjoy the play date.

Just say no.

I agree with GU24Mum it shouldn't be such a massive problem to find childcare for NT primary aged children as there are lots of older teenagers and uni students around whose summer plans have been cancelled. Mine are touting around for childcare work as all their planned tours and activities have been cancelled and plenty of my friends' children are the same.

I was a SAHM and did get this from time to time. I'd do it for emergencies but IMO if it is more than a one off it has to be an arrangement with a degree of recipricocity - eg I had one child one day a week in the holidays and in return her mother used to drop mine after swimming each week. If not it is likely to build expectations and resentment.

" I actually watched her a couple of days last summer holidays and it was too much."

I think that alone is a good enough reason not to agree to have her. The child may have matured in a year, they often do, but if you sign up for doing it you are stuck if she turns out to be a nightmare. What does she do that is so wrong as a matter of interest? It's OK having other people's children when they are of an age not to need 'watching' all the time.

There's no point in putting yourself in a stressful position.

I hate when people put you in that position, if you wanted to be a child minder you would be employed as one.
I'm a shift worker, I've helped out many times but it was annoyingly difficult I work weekend nights around DP.
DD is nearly 12 now and I won't be starting it when DS joins school in September. unless I really like them = DC plus parent it is the annoying forceful DC and parent I avoid you can see them picking out potential help at open day

Have you decided on what to do @MrsAbigail? Your OP suggested you weren't keen so go with your gut and give a polite but unequivocal NO. I'd suggest responding quickly before you guilt yourself into it.

My vote, if I had one, would also be No. leave no room for misunderstanding or negotiation.

I understand childminder provision may be limited but there are many nannies available who could cover the summer holidays. She could do a nanny share with another family/two families to cut costs. Tell her to find a couple of families in the same position and advertise on childcare.co.uk. Yes, it may be mixing households, but if the alternative was losing my job, I wouldn't lose any sleep over that. Needs must, and all that.

She may end up not making any money or even losing money because of the cost of the nanny, but that seems a reasonable compromise to keep her job long-term in these difficult times.

I don't see any reason why you should do it for free. Surely parents factor in the cost of holiday childcare when deciding to work full-time. This year, it will just be slightly more expensive than usual (nanny/childminder rather than holiday club).

I would just say they sorry, but in these current times it's not ideal to mix different households, and none of your kids will be seeing their friends.

Be honest. She's hard work and 3 of my own so sorry it's not possible.