Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

Where are you in the country?

I'm in central London and there are plenty of parents having babies in their mid-40s! Though admittedly they may need a little help with IVF in some cases.

My DH was 45 and 46 when our DDs were born and he is by no means out of place at the school gates with dads similar ages to him.

Good luck OP!

I know it sounds glib, but everyone is different. A friend of mine had her 3rd at 46. Another friend has secondary infertility at 29 and never managed to have a second.

Not unreasonable at all, but be mindful that the risks of there being something wrong with the baby will be quite a bit higher due to your age.

You're not unreasonable, but neither is your husband. If he doesn't want another child, for any reason, that's his right.

Too old in what sense? If you mean you "look" too old, YANBU, lots of older parents around these days. If it's about how tired you are, that's personal so possibly neither of you ABU and just feel differently. If it's about the risks of having a baby at an older age and what you might have to go through to have another then again it's up to you but I would say your DP is NBU. The risk of miscarriage is quite high, you might have for example have two or three miscarriages before you have a successful pregnancy when you wouldn't expect that 4 years ago, you might have a child with disabilities. OR you might be lucky and not struggle at all, but I could see why your DP might feel the risk isn't worth it.

I’d just enjoy the one you have to be honest.

It sounds as though your husband is happy as you are now and doesn't want another child.

Enjoy the one you have, your broodiness will pass. Have a happy life!

It depends what he is worried about, I think, and what exactly you mean by 'try'.

There's a huge difference between 'let's shag and see what happens' and 'right, we'll try and then we'll do IVF, and then we'll do more, and then we'll look into donor eggs, and ...'.

I think you both need a conversation about 'trying' would look like, when it would stop. It's very easy to get sucked into TTC for a long time, and it can get very emotional.

(Btw, I think some comments on here are bordering on insensitive.)

@Aquamarine1029

You're not unreasonable, but neither is your husband. If he doesn't want another child, for any reason, that's his right.

I second this.

So 60 with a 15 year old? Your being very selfish. Certainly a big risk of the child having additional needs.

My sister did and was ok. If you had teenage children I'd think no way but if he's 4 maybe. But you will probably be going through the menopause when they are very young and I can tell you the menopause wipes you out. I went from super woman to sleepless wreck unable to remember my own name in just a couple of years.

I had my last at 41 - DH 43. I’d definitely have more if money/space wasn’t an issue, and DH was onboard.

Not too old at all. I’ve known other women who have had babies when well into their 40s.

Remember that Cherie Blair was 45 when she had Leo.

I had my kids at 41 and 43, my sister at 45, a friend at 46, all conceived naturally. But I agree with @SarahAndQuack. How far are you wanting to take it?

Enjoy your DD.
A lot of people will give you encouragement and positive stories of older mums

But imo it's too risky at your age.

What was the "original" agreement re: number of kids.

Have one of you changed the goalposts?

Personally I think it's too old. Say it takes you 2 years to conceive which at 44 is more than likely given the science says just 6% of your eggs are likely to be chromosomally normal. So you are 47 when the baby is born - do you really think you'll have the energy? Does the child then "suffer" because their parents are so much older than everyone else's? I knew a guy at uni who was beyond mortified and embarrassed that his dad was in his 70s. You're also likely not to be around to see them into their 30s or them having their own kids - I know no one can guarantee that no matter what age they have kids but the chances are significantly lower the older you are

I wouldn't, my grandparents had my mum very late and they had both passed away by the time she was in her early 30's.

They also both always felt old to her, and she felt she massively missed out in comparison to her older siblings.

The reality is high levels of infatility
miscarriage risk is really high
Much higher risks of a child with additional needs.
What nobody will say when they say " lots of women where I am have babies mid 40's". Is actually many have IVF ( including donor eggs), many have miscarriage s and many have terminations due to the baby having problems ( this is kept very quiet)! I live in one of those areas with lots of older mums it's not quite as it seems.

So 60 with a 15 year old? Your being very selfish. Certainly a big risk of the child having additional needs.

That's awful. Imagine how someone with infertility who had struggled for years and hadn't managed to fall pregnant till later on would feel seeing that.

And I'd like to add...my mother had me and 29. She was a shit mother. She made it abundantly clear that I had ruined her life by being born when I was. Queue my brother coming along when I was 13 (she had him at 41) and the difference in her parenting of him compared to me was like night and day. She had settled down by this stage, was more mature and didn't resent him like she did me for 'ruining' her life in her 20s. So it really depends on the individual. My best friends has MS and was bad at mobilising by the time her kid was 8 and her DD resides mainly with her father. Other people have kids in their 40s and are in fine shape till their 80s. It's really a very individual thing and should be taken on a case by case basis.

I wouldn’t. My DH was 44 when our second and final was born and he really struggles with the lack of sleep, the constant noise, mess, financial drain, lack of freedom etc. I find I have to bridge the gap.
You have to factor time ttc, 9 month pregnancy etc.
My DH was recently talking about when he would retire and we are making changes now to ensure he will be able to do this at a decent age and still be able to support our children if they chose higher education routes.

I am mid 50s with a 6yr old ( adopted ) child. So not commenting on the getting pregnant bit but I can honestly say that being a mum of a 6 yr old is no more tiring now than when I was a mum of a 6 yr old in my 20s or 30s.