Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

Medically of course it is although personally I wouldn’t as it means working into 60s to support a child when others are starting to enjoy life again.

I wouldn’t. I’ve known far too many previously fit and healthy people get seriously ill or die in their early 50s out of the blue. It’s been a huge shock, especially if you have parents yourself who are very fit in their 80s.

It is a tough one, my first thought was that you are too old but then I thought about it more and realised that my dh is not much younger than you at 41 and is keen for us to have another. I do not feel that at 42 he would be too old to be a dad, he has more energy than me. Granted he would not be giving birth whereas you would be and there are all the associated risks of being an older mother and risks to the baby but men are not judged for being older parents in the same way.

I had my first at 29, second at 30 and am tired a lot of the time but i think a that is down to working and having two under 5s. If I have another I will start soon as I am 33 and would ideally like to be done by 35. I would not want to be having babies in my 40s but then I started earlier than you so there would be no need for me to unless I chose to wait that long or struggled to conceive. I also come from a family with a history of early menopause and that may take any indecision out of my hands anyway.

I would be doing your research, have an open an honest conversation with your oh and listen to his equally valid feelings. There is no universal right or wrong answer in this case only what you both feel is best for your family unit. Best of luck.

I am 60 with a 16 year old. Tbh I don’t think the experience of adults with older parents is relevant. People used to get old much earlier.
We have other adult children. I feel this one gets the best of us really.We are less stressed. We are always available to offer lifts, collect parcels, we love hearing about school, friends, opinions. We don’t get too fussed about stuff. We don’t look out of place amongst other parents.
I do find that people under 40 imagine 60 as all mobility aids and funeral plans,Like the ads on daytime tv. but It isnt. Thats 80.
The issues about fertility and risk are obviously important, and it does mean that you need to speak openly with your Dh.The other thing to be aware of is that 2 children are much more than twice the work of one, somehow.
Whatever happens, hope it goes well for you.

I'm 44 and I personally wouldn't. I had my 2nd DS at 39. Tried for 3rd baby during early 40's and had 3 miscarriages in a row. Most awful experiences. After the 3rd I decided my body wasn't up to it so gave up. It took my head a lot longer to give up the idea but much happier now I have. It all depends on you really. 44 these days is not so old. Think how you would feel and cope with miscarriage or problems during pregnancy. If you are fit healthy ok but could you cope mentally? Good luck with your decision.

I personally think there are a lot of pros and cons and a lot to consider. My parents were brilliant and had me at 43 and 50 respectively, but I ended up being slightly embarrassed at having older parents when I was in high school, not proud of this but at the time I was shallower than a shot glass full of water. On the down side however mum and dad both passed away when I was in my twenties and they never got to meet my three amazing girls ages 13,11 and 2. I also did egg donation for a friend who is 10 years older than me so I've seen first hand how people will do anything for a baby. I would say if you can get hubby on board to from there otherwise enjoy the amazing child you have

I had my first at three months short of 43 and my second at three months short of 47. They were both IVF babies (second one was a frozen embryo from when I was 41/42). I would have preferred to have them earlier (tried for 10 years) but now I am 56 with a 13 year old and a 9 year old and things are fine. I think my children keep me active physically and young in outlook!

I am so glad I have them but there are down sides to consider - risks of possible disabilities being one. How would you manage if this happened? We were prepared to take the risk but we had to think it through and it was hard. As it is, one of ours has some additional needs - possibly related to our age - but, there again, it could have happened even if we had been younger parents.

In addition, although our finances are not too bad, the prospect of university fees etc mean that we are going to have to keep working for the foreseeable future.

Another issue is family network. Grandparents of 70 plus are unlikely to be able to help out that much and, in fact, we have been dealing with the challenges of elderly parents and young children at the same time. Any siblings you or your DH have are likely to have older children and not be so interested in your younger ones. Likewise, cousins may be quite a bit older than your children and not really be companions for them. However, there can be big age gaps even for younger parents.

It is true that the child is more likely to lose one or more parents at an earlier age but life is unpredictable and parents can also die young. You do need to make sure though that you are able to have life insurance and think about who might care for the children if you and your DH were unable to do it.

In my experience, I would say that your DH's views are the main obstacle but that you have to think through all the possible implications and whether you can deal with those. Also: be honest with yourself in terms of how much physical and mental energy you currently have.

Not at al
Had my first one at 41 and second 45

My dad was in his 50s when I was born. A brilliant and much loved dad.

I’m always amazed on these threads when grown adults come on and whine that their parents were older. I can’t imagine resenting being born....nor can I imagine this being the biggest issue one has faced in life. How incredibly blessed these whingers must be.

@stormy11
My dad was 45 when I was born and I think it is too old to have a baby. Feel like i missed out on a lot.
You would have missed out on a whole lot more otherwise, like your entire life.

I can empathise. I am a bit older than you OP but wish, in hindsight, I had tried again straight after my last child. But I was being what I thought was sensible and stopping after two healthy children.

Too old. For all health complications it can cause. Not worth it if you already have a healthy kid.

How old is your husband? Your energy level will go down much more quickly than you can imagine at 45. It's hard to parent a teenager in your 60s. It's just not a great combination. Teenagers are strong willed people.

I’m always amazed on these threads when grown adults come on and whine that their parents were older. I can’t imagine resenting being born....nor can I imagine this being the biggest issue one has faced in life. How incredibly blessed these whingers must be.

It's hardly whinging, it's just sharing their experience. My parents were in their 40s when I was born. They loved me and were good parents (although a bit shell shocked as I was unplanned) and that makes me very lucky. But there were downsides. I had no grandparents, so lost out on a relationship that my older siblings all enjoyed. My older siblings children got to enjoy having younger grandparents who were able to spend time with them, take them for days out etc, whilst my children only knew their grandparents as elderly and frail. There were things my parents didn't do with me when I was growing up as they felt they were too old. I had a happy enough childhood but spending my school years with people asking why I lived with my grandparents (my parents were visibly older than other parents) did take a bit of a toll.

Dying and ageing are so unpredictable that I don’t think it can or should be a deciding factor in when you have children.

I hope I will not leave this earth for very many years but it is ultimately something I have no control over.

As a parent, we must all realise some things are outside of our control. Far better, IMO, to try to raise our children to be able to cope with life’s challenges than to attempt to set up a life where those challenges will not exist. I lost my mother as a teenager and my father as a young adult and of course I miss them, but I wouldn’t say I’d rather not have been born at all as a result!

trixiebelden77 And how old was your mother? People aren’t wishing they hadn’t been born - more pointing out some of the negatives to the counterbalance of all the older parents saying go for it. There is a decade difference between me and 10 years has made a massive difference in terms of their health, energetic, ability to engage with grandchildren etc. Of course I don’t want to be unborn but I think choosing to conceive in your mid to late 40s does have risks and it’s important the needs of the child are considered when they are a teenager/young adult.

I think it's too old. The risk of a child with additional needs is high at that age.

@trixiebelden77 perhaps because we’ve been left without parents extremely young?

And how much it sucks to be losing your parents when your friends are losing their grandparents.

You can try but realistic about it. The chance of conceiving each cycle at age 40 is 5%. It's much lower at 44. My friend starting trying to conceive at 42 and had 5 miscarriages. She's now 45 and has just had a baby but it was a very difficult journey.

These threads come up fairly regularly and I sometimes comment to give my experience, whilst accepting that it is just one experience. My previously very healthy DM was hit by dementia at 50. Her and my DF were already divorced. She hAd to give up work, could no longer drive etc etc. I was lucky I was old enough to cope. I can't imagine partially losing your DM to such a horrific illness at c. 5 years old. I would therefore personally not have a child at your age. Just my view.

YABU. To old and sounds like your DH doesn’t want anymore in which case you need to respect that and enjoy the child you have.

I thought u was old at 40
Having my second but my obs consultant said 45 isn't unusual these days and that was 8 years ago
Saying thst she did say she'd be giving them less choice because placenta malfunction increases with age but that's all she said - we
Know that anyway hence not being allowed to go two weeks overdue as an older mum

Good luck and enjoy your family

It is not a matter of feeling young at heart as you might still feel young but your body is aging.
I am 10 years older than you. I have been through the fun time that is the menopause, arthritis is an issue in several joints, lower back pain stops me being as active as I was a few years ago and I get a lot more tired but don’t sleep as well as I used to.
I had my children in my early 30’s but my husband was 9 years older. He died when my youngest was in the last year of school. So At the time both my children were becoming adults they lost 50% of their support net work. Not a great time for any of us and it would have no been a lot worse if they were still young.

Later life babies have been happening for all of time. My grandma (born 1911) had her last at nearly 42. I'm 44 and pregnant. When I had my last at nearly 41 my GP turned around and said "it's a myth women just lose their fertility in their 40s". Most of the research into fertility in the over 40s is old and/or based on women undergoing fertility treatment. However, be prepared for miscarriage. The eggs are much much more likely to have chromosomal damage and whilst agreeing with posters about chance of disability actually most chromosomal problems are fatal in the embryo/foetus and cause early miscarriage. It's wise to think through if you want testing with one of the earlier tests for abnormality, they tend to be offered privately, and what you'd do given various scenarios. The odds aren't quite this bad but it's pretty reasonable to see a positive pregnancy test over 40 and think this has a 50/50 chance of being successful.

Having a child at any age is always a risk and a gamble. None of us know how long we are going to live or if our child will develop a health condition. I don't think the issue is your age tbh - your DH doesn't want another one.