Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

And they would automatically be assumed to be a parent at the school my dd attended.

Op, with age, and particularly ovarian age and subsequently egg quality , comes a higher risk of complications in pregnancy or congenital abnormalities. This risk starts to increase after the age of 35.

You’re not too old and plenty of women have babies at your age, but you do need to understand the risks. Because you should never gamble if you can’t afford to loose. If you’re comfortable with the risks, and do not mind if there are complications and can happily care for and love a child with additional needs then go for it. If you’re not both prepared for this then do not. There is no guarantee whatever your age, no one should proceed with a pregnancy if they don’t like the risks, but understanding the increase in risk is important in the decision making process.

You’re not too old and plenty of women have babies at your age, but you do need to understand the risks. Because you should never gamble if you can’t afford to loose. If you’re comfortable with the risks, and do not mind if there are complications and can happily care for and love a child with additional needs then go for it. If you’re not both prepared for this then do not. There is no guarantee whatever your age, no one should proceed with a pregnancy if they don’t like the risks, but understanding the increase in risk is important in the decision making process

This. Having kids in my 30’s I felt I could cope with disabilities should that be our fate. At 45 I’d be worried about getting any disabled child to adulthood, and managing ongoing care for a longer period without me.

If I were to consider pregnancy now I’d either need to be very well off to provide paid help and subsequent care.

Or I’d have to be prepared to terminate, possibly late, and have all the genetic tests so I’f have the best chance of knowing our chances.

Again, if you can afford it I’d think your best option would be ivf and pre-implantation testing.

Very much hope for the best but plan for the worse...

It depends on your own personal situation though. I couldn’t terminate unless there was absolutely no chance of survival, so that has a huge impact on my decision...

The problem is OP technically it isn’t up to you. Mother Nature decides, and IMO a lot of people aren’t biologically capable of it at 44. You won’t know until you try.

As for IVF- in your forties the success rates are very very low unless you use donor eggs.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I'm sorry, but that is a totally ridiculous thing to say, @Ilikevinogier.

No women has guaranteed fertility, obviously.

But we don't go around saying to everyone who raises the question of TTC 'but it's not up to you, it's up to Mother Nature'.

It sounds incredibly patronising. Especially at the end of a long thread, by which point I'm sure (even if she had been hiding under a rock for the last 44 years with her fingers in her ears), the OP would now have taken on board there are a few age-related issues.

Again, if you can afford it I’d think your best option would be ivf and pre-implantation testing

At the OP's age IVF would mean using donor eggs. The chances of success with your own at that age are very small.

Again, if you can afford it I’d think your best option would be ivf and pre-implantation testing.

Very much hope for the best but plan for the worse...

No clinic will use a 44-year-old woman's own eggs. And there are many conditions that cannot be screened for prenatally, autism being a major one.

I'm 39 and would love another baby.

My siblings however have both had and have severely disabled children. Beautiful children who I love(d) very much. I saw how the disabilities took their toil. Relationships broken down due to stress, jobs given up, houses repossessed, heart attacks at young age. Perhaps not linked I dunno.

I couldn't do it. I would have no time for other kids.

I'm acutely aware that also by living in NI I don't have the same access to terminations (should I choose one) to other women in the UK.

So if I had a harmony test and the baby was very disabled and I wanted to at least consider a termination (a very very difficult decision) I would need to travel to England.

First time I've realised I don't have the same rights I used to when I lived in England.

My husband wouldn't support me anyway. And by the fact I'd need to travel to England it is something I couldn't hide (not that this would be right anyway I know)

I'm sad but I've come to the conclusion that I just can't take the risk so no more babies for me.

I will fight however to ensure my daughters have equal rights to women in the rest of the uk.

@BikeRunSki Kids and teens are shallow.

My sister was born when my mum was 45, very much an accident, but much loved. Once DSis grew up from an evil bratty teen, she was very close to my mother so it can work. A schoolfriends mum had a DD when she was much older too, and the DD has Down's syndrome. Didn't realise it at the time but looking back it was obvious.

I do not think anyone should let Mother Nature decide in the op's circumstances, she is 44 not 34. If she and husband really want another baby, they can try for a while but if it doesn't happen, leaving it to Mum Nature could mean her being up the duff when she is pushing fifty! I doubt she'd want that.

BikeRunSki Wed 24-Jun-20 15:32:06
are what @laurelhedge ? I had dd at 40, she’d 8 now!!
........
Times have changed, Bike. People stay younger longer now than they did, look younger too.

My mum and dad were over 40 and 45 when they had me. They were very set in their ways, had been married 18.5 years and used to a particular routine. They wanted a baby and were delighted when I came along but I had 'old' parents; the way they dressed, the things they said and did - and didn't do - and they were not prepared to step out of their box.

A forty year old woman is young now, vibrant, confident, fun.

The girl over the road had a mum and dad several years older than mine but they had some much older children and were used to kids, teenagers, young adults; they had moved with the times. She was the unplanned 'baby' everyone loved and spoiled and the whole family had a lot of fun.

I'm not sure it's a good idea to deliberately conceive a child at 44 (or by accident but accidents do happen), but it's up to her and her husband.

No clinic will use a 44-year-old woman's own eggs.

Well, they will, or there would be no recorded examples of women aged 44 and older getting pregnant through IVF with their own eggs. I agree it is very rare.

However, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Women who resort to IVF usually have other factors that stopped them from conceiving naturally, so IVF is not a good measure of general fertility.

I wouldn't even consider having a baby at this age. It's definitely too old IMO. Sure, things could work out wonderfully but the risks are too great.

If you would be fully prepared to raise a child with special needs and have considered the potential impact of this on your existing child and still feel it's worth it then that's your choice to make. Personally I couldn't.

Totally agree a 40 year old woman looks far younger than 40 year olds in the past, but a 40 year old mother would probably look more exhausted than a 30 year old mother.

It's not the 40 yo mother that's the issue, it's the 58 year old mother of a teenager, that's more the problem. When you're nearing 60 it's very hard to stay on the same wavelength as teens.

Also there is the issue of illness in older people. Far more people in their 50s become ill than in their 20s and 30s. My lovely neighbour is only 52 but has weeks to live. She leaves behind two young teens.

Because I had elderly parents I decided to have my children before I was 30 and DD squeaked in the month before that birthday. I got sterilised then.

The bottom line is are you doing it for the benefit of the child you want or for yourselves?

Bloody hell. The sanctimonious opinions on here about older mums!

So if you’re lucky enough to meet the man you want to have kids with in your 20s then it’s ok for you to have kids?

But if a woman is in her late 30s or 40s she’s being selfish?

How smug.

not that I myself have suggested its selfish, I've more focused on from a health point of view but why is it smug to point out the obvious potential issues of being an older parent? it's almost as if the OP doesnt read "too old for a baby"

If you dont want to hear peoples opinions on this subject either ignore a thread with such an obvious heading or dont ask the question in the first place

TightPants it’s not smug and sanctimonious to point out reality. The OP is 44. I don’t think anyone on the thread has talked about parents in their late 30s - seems like you could be projecting.

At my DC's school a 55 year old with a 10 year old would absolutely be assumed to be the Granny
Why would they know they age? Nowadays, it's a lot more difficult to guess people's age and indeed, I've been very surprised either way.

I have a friend who had her kids at 42 and 44. She is 50 this year and frankly looks about 40 at most. Everyone assumes she is and are totally aghast when she very occasionally confirms real age.

However, our male colleague who is 43 announced his wife was pregnant. We were all surprised as she looks quite a few years older than him. we assumed egg donations although of course didn't ask or mentioned anything. When the baby was born he said they were so over the moon, they were already planning a sibling. It turns out she is 34!

I was born when my GM was 50. At this point she declared herself to be an old lady, and gave up work (she taught baby ballet classes once or twice a week), stopped driving, and did not allow toddlers in the house. At 50 - later this year - I’ll have a 9 yr old, 12 yr old, full time job and several voluntary roles (Cub leader, involved in dc sports clubs). And a car! I routinely drive 150 round trip in a day for work, and 250 one way to my mum’s (not recently though). I think “old” in now very much a mindset. My GM was probably exhausted after a world war and nhs only coming in halfway through her life. I’ve had a relatively easy life in comparison, although she’d be very envious of the level of education I’ve been “allowed”.

Hello

I started a similar post a few months ago asking about having a baby at 45. It also ended in an argument between those who believe having children earlier and those who believe later.

I don’t understand the hostility between the groups. Both having children early or later carries a set of advantages and disadvantages. If you can, choose the set that works for you and respect the other opinions/choices. Leave it at that. But on here, it seems that people push their choice to the extreme.

Obviously some who meet their partner later do not have a choice and I feel sad for them that if they finally have a child later in life then they are criticised fairly heavily on these threads. Equally if someone wants to have a baby in their 20s they are criticised as well.

My choice was to wait as I wanted to provide a very high standard of living and be very secure. I was willing to look at the statistics of problems and make my choice.

I was though grateful for the kind personal experiences people shared, both positive and negative. But I find those overly pushing being younger or older when having a baby very harsh and I think it can be hurtful to some people.

Seeing a lot of 'go for it' when her husband isn't even onboard.

At my DC's school a 55 year old with a 10 year old would absolutely be assumed to be the Granny.

And they would automatically be assumed to be a parent at the school my dd attended.

Not to be rude, but that simply isn't true. Someone may be polite to a woman and say "are you Tarquin's mum?" rather than risk offence but no one ever thinks a 55 year old is probably mother to a ten year old.

Ten year ago when this imaginary child was born 1,619 babies were born to mothers 45 or over. Out of three quarters of a million babies.

The chances of you meeting one of the mothers is very slim. You certainly wouldn't assume she was the mother.

84Wood, good post. It's very polarised, but the risks aren't the same. Statistically the older you get the more likely you are to die. Deaths before 70 are generally treated as before their time. And statistically if you have a child in late 40s of course chances of being orphaned are higher. But when ones wants a baby, one does and rationality doesnt come in to it.
I'm interested in how women who've had a parent died before 20 feels as this is a game changer. I have friends have happy pregnancies and baby after 45 but all if them have alive parents. On some sub conscious basis long life is normal.

When I was in a position to have a child at mud 40s and believe me I looked at all options, I couldn't fo it as both my parents died when I was in my early 20s. I think it's different if it's the youngest child of a lot, they have siblings, older, parental role.
But I couldn't bring a life into the world with a much higher risk of having to deal with parental death or care alone. My desire to have a child was just that, a desire, but I wouldn't put the high statistically possibility of having to care, grieve and busy parents on anyone.

I think it is selfish to have a child after 45 but I completely support friends who do.

Nellydean21 what about those that have parents who live well in to their 90s

considering the average life expectancy in the UK is 81, parents living into their 90s is not necessarily the norm and still poses the problem that you are more likely to have health issues the older you get then being younger. as others have stressed, yes not always and yes younger parents can have health problems but if you're looking at it from a probability point ot view, the older parents are much more likely to suffer first.