Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

It’s too old, I think. And especially if your DH doesn’t want another.

You do what is right for you.I had my second son at 43.He was a wonderful suprise.

DairyFairy hit the nail on the head.

@kirinm MORE likely makes it MORE of a probability, no one is saying it is an inevitability. That's the point. Nothing is guaranteed, but it is well documented the risks of having a child over 40, I'm sorry if that offends anyone and I know it's inconvenient with the modern lifestyle, but it is what it is. We are all responsible for our own actions and need to weigh up the risks ourselves, some people are more risk averse than others but it's an extremely valid point to make when answering "am I too old to have a baby".

@inmyshedsmoking2000 I have a disabled child and my life most certainly is not over! Ridiculous, insensitive and offensive comment!

Wow @kirinm you criticise another poster’s politeness while swearing at them 🤣 All the references I’ve seen on this thread to likelihood of SN/disability were that it is more likely to have a child with SN/disabilities the older you get, which is just a fact. It’s not a certainty that you will obviously, but the “probability” as you put it is significantly higher.

LBB2020, for some parents with disabled children the experience of bringing up a severely disabled child is different to yours. They are as much entitled to their opinion as you are to yours. There is nothing offensive about refering to one's life experience in this context. But glad that things have been less challenging for you. But not everyone parent is equally equipped to bring up a child with SN and also , SN can is a broad spectrum. Just consider yourself lucky.

[quote notheragain4]@kirinm MORE likely makes it MORE of a probability, no one is saying it is an inevitability. That's the point. Nothing is guaranteed, but it is well documented the risks of having a child over 40, I'm sorry if that offends anyone and I know it's inconvenient with the modern lifestyle, but it is what it is. We are all responsible for our own actions and need to weigh up the risks ourselves, some people are more risk averse than others but it's an extremely valid point to make when answering "am I too old to have a baby". [/quote]
Yes, but this is MN. Everyone has 4 babies in their 40s and they're all geniuses who have super health and they know someone who was 50 and had full-term healthy twins who delighted everyone they met and the entire family fell over themselves in ecstasy. And of course, if you are fit and healthy and feel young, your eggs know this and alter their quality to reflect it.

Of course, having a child with additional needs is special and a blessing, too, no one ever has a fight for any and all care, no respite care, money problems, etc. 'There's so much help out there'.

It's too old, IMO, but more importantly, in your partner's opinion.

@inmyshedsmoking2000

I am sorry that you feel as though your life has been ruined. If you feel that way then you need compassion and I apologise for reacting so angrily to your (personal) feelings on the matter.

@dairyfairies
My experience is I too am raising a disabled child and it is incredibly [and often heartbreakingly] difficult but it hasn't ruined my life?
It has made my life harder, it has caused me lots of anguish and pain and sadness but ruined my life? No.

As you can see I have reviewed the way I read that post as if that is how someone feels about having a disabled child, then I need to be more compassionate.

Making a broad brush statement that having a disabled child means your life is over is offensive to me. I am very sorry if some of you feel that way though.

Maybe the question should be " will i be to old at 60 to cope with a 14 year old stroppy teenager "

Some of us don't just "feel that way" for some parents of children with disabilities it's fact. Fact. Some children are more disabled than others. Some disabilities there are no tests for in pregnancy. In my opinion it would be madness to risk this at 40+

Too old.

I understand your heartbreak at accepting this .

I tried hard for another in my mid 40s and had several miscarriages - bloody heartbreaking. Eventually I gave up, and then my friend had a baby at 45 and I was so horribly jealous. Now though I’m in my 50s, I’m menopausal and exhausted. I’m so glad I didn’t have another child because I would truly struggle now. My friend adores her late addition but she really struggles with being 50, working in a busy job and bringing up a 5 year old. She won’t be able to retire until much later than she wants to because of the financial impact of having a teenager when she will be 60.

Don’t just think of the here and now. Think 10/15 years down the line.

Not too old to try but the odds of success are massively stacked against you so a 'would be nice, but I won't get too upset if it doesn't happen' attitude would be helpful.

I wouldn't OP. I'm just turned 40 with 7YO and 5YO. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't physically cope with another pregnancy. Should say I had a horrendous pregnancy with my youngest that had shaped my opinion. If pregnancy was a breeze for me I might feel differently.

@MummyIWantItNow You're only as old as you feel and life is so short. If you have the chance to have another child I say go for it! x

Lifeatthebeach @ that's so lovely and encouraging. Im 49 and am madly broody. Nutty eh. 9 and 10 year old ds.... newly divorced... I wouldn't hesitate.

I think you're too old as well, but more to the point your dh thinks you are.
By the time you give birth, and presuming your dh is similar age to you, you'd both be about the age my Dad was when he became a granddad.

I think its easy to say yes or no as we all have our own personal circumstances.

I didn't necessarily plan to have my kids as late as I did but fertility issues added a couple of years on. And then redundancy slowed us down trying for a 2nd.

Would I have a baby at 44? I don't think I could. My 2nd was such a bad sleeper so that affected my overall experience.

But i felt bone tired for a few years when he was born. And i definitely noticed a difference at 36 compared to 33.

But then how much of that was age and how much just having 2 kids, with the youngest a shit sleeper.

You do both need to come to decision together though. So if DH feels really strongly that he doesn't want a 2nd then it's a no go i guess.

I would say make up your mind as soon as possible.

Bu

Why is this coming up now and not when your first dc was a baby? At your age with even your first I'm not sure why you'd leave this decision so long.

Apologies if you've answered this up thread but I couldn't see an answer to that.

Tbh my opinion is that if you're going to start a family later in life you've got to try and bang them out in short succession.

Given that you probably won't conceive over night, by the time this theoretical baby is born you'll be closer to 50 than you are to 40,which in my opinion is too late.

If you do go ahead think very carefully about how you would feel if your child had special needs, like really think about it, picture it. Would you regret your decision? Would your husband? Because statistically it's more likely to happen to you than most of the MNetters on here saying go for it.

I had mine in my late 30s and coming from a family where ASD is prevalent by the time I was on my last pregnancy I was very anxious as I felt I'd rolled the dice too many times and this time I'd have an ASD child. I couldn't have done it in my 40s.

I had a baby at 43. I'm now 48 with a 5 year old. I'd do it tbh I already had a 9 year old and so desperately wanted another and was lucky

Well that has certainly given me lots to think about and lots of things I hadn't really taken into consideration. Going to have a good heart to heart with DP this evening to see where we stand.
I think it's the sleepless nights etc that's putting him off rather than the physical age side of it. (were both quite active and young at heart anyway).
We're quite financially stable so that isn't an issue for him I'm sure.
If he says yes I might just see how we go and not put too much pressure on it happening as chances are it won't be that easy anyway.

I have teenagers at nearly 60.

Don’t think I will ever feel old.

I look at other mothers and friends who are younger than me and they seem really old

My DDad was 45 when I was born. I didn’t like having an old dad. Other kids thought he was my granddad and he couldn’t retire as my DB and I went to university.
It’s all very well people saying how fit and healthy they are in their 40s and 50s but a lot of illnesses in your 60s and 70s are age related.