Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

My dad was born when his mum was 45. He was orphaned when he was 19. It hit him really hard and he was really sad that his parents never got to meet his grandchildren. I wouldn't have another child at 44 personally. We are never promised tomorrow, but it's a fact that the older you are the less time you're likely to be around for your children.

Age in itself isn’t the issue.

It's a fact that the risks of disability (including ones like autism that can't be tested for before birth) increase with maternal (and to some extent, paternal) age, risk of miscarriage, risk of premature birth, risk of birth complications.

I think it's too old.

At any rate, your partner's not on board. It's a no go.

I have a child with additional needs and I feel like my life is over. It's an opinion. I'm still a human being who is allowed one . I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. So sue me if I speak what is true to me.

It's ignorance to think disabilities don't ruin lives. It's all hidden away and deleted you see, when people speak the ugly truth of their very real experiences.

There is no point to my life or my child's. We exist. That is it.
Obviously in a perfect fluffy rainbow world there would be help and support aplenty. But there is not.

I'm not even an older mum. It's relentless, exhausting and pointless.

You are the ignorant one.

The child has a higher risk of additional needs and you have a higher risk of not being there to help him or her with those needs. Your child is likely to lose their grandparents in childhood. It's not the best set up really. Having children is a selfish decision at the best of times but to me this is very selfish.

My mother had a disabled sibling and ended up their carer at a young age when her parents died. It affected and limited her entire life (sibling lived with her for 30 years until their death at 60), and also mine and my siblings. We loved them dearly but it wasn’t a life my mum chose for herself. As I said in my previous post, obviously could happen at any age but statistically it’s so much more likely to happen when you’re in your 40s.

I agree, inmy.

Personally it is too old. You already have a child. Your partner is not up for it. Just count your blessings. Maybe get a puppy 😹

I don’t think you’re too old. I do think your husband not wanting another child is the deciding factor. An unwilling parent is a horrible thing to subject a family to and you will feel the weight of that as you are raising your child. MN is full of posts from women whose partner’s are clearly not interested in raising the children the presumably agreed to have at some point in the past. It’s not a pleasant life.

My friend had her first at 25, several more children and a couple of miscarriages and her youngest at 49. All are full siblings and conceived naturally.

Only you know your own circumstances and whether you feel you're too old. My mum was 42 when she had my sister (a surprise) and they are incredibly close, my sister has since had a child at 27 and my mum is very fit and involved. I have 2 DC, DD3 and DS6 months and my mum happily looked after my DD on my return to work, she was 68 and is looking forward to looking after my nephew when my sister returns to work at which point she'll be 70. My mum also lost both her parents in her early hours 20s so me and my sister never got to meet them so you don't know what life holds. I've only ever known 1 grandparent and that wasnt because of age, I also don't feel like i have missed out. In contrast I'm 37 and have 2 DC my DH would like another but I feel like our family is complete, everyone is different, if you feel well and fit enough go for it.

Beware if you go ahead, later pregnancies have higher occurrences of twins, something to do with the ovaries giving up all their remaining eggs

These threads always go the same way. Generally:

• people who had children late say it’s wonderful and go for it, age isn’t important etc
• a sizeable (but not all) chunk of people who have had older parents outline the negatives
• some people get upset when statistics re healthy life expectancy and pregnancy risk are pointed out.

Obviously there will be some brilliant parents in their mid to late 40s who are able to provide well, live long lives etc but the statistics paint a less rosy picture as do many (again emphasising not all) people’s experience of having older parents.

I wouldn't have another child at 44 personally. We are never promised tomorrow, but it's a fact that the older you are the less time you're likely to be around for your children.

It’s true but on the other hand OP could live to be 90 and feel rather sad she didn’t have another who would by then 45 themself. It is quite common to have a child at or around 40 whereas at 45 fertility has declined and it is quite rare. However In any aspect of life nobody would think there is much difference between between a 40 year old and a 45 year old.

I think OP is on the cusp of too old so doesn’t have much time and it might not happen. So needs to crack on and if her DH isn’t on board our views are irrelevant.

Can someone point me in the direction of research which says a child with additional needs is very likely as claimed up thread?

@kirinm

A 25-year-old woman has a 1 in 1,200 chance of having a baby with Down syndrome; by 35, the risk has increased to 1 in 350; by age 40, to 1 in 100; and by 49, it's 1 in 10, according to the National Down Syndrome Society.

I had ds at 45& 1 month. I’m a single mum & he is my only child, I have worked very hard to stay fit enough to keep up with him. He is now 12 so I’m 57. I cycle & practice martial arts with him. I run as well to keep my energy levels up. Everything so far is fine. I am not the oldest mum in his class. I’ll be 62 when he leaves school.

It’s possible ( and the best thing I have ever done ) but both of you need to be on-board because it’s a significant decision.

@kirinm are you incapable of researching yourself? Google egg quality and age and you will find a plethora of sound research. Anyone who is genuinely weighing up the risks should do their own research, including speaking to their Dr. I've done my own research for my own reasons and know what I am comfortable with doing, or not doing as the case is. I'm not going to post links to try to win an argument.

personally, I think over 45 is too old - might not be a popular opinion, might come across harsh but you cant argue with the statistics.

I have had 2 miscarriages before and wouldnt be prepared to try in my 40s because I couldnt go through another one. yes, it does not happen to everyone but your chances of it is considerably more so. health issues in general are much higher risk over this age, not just miscarriages.

also, your partner gets the over riding say in this I'm afraid. the partner who does not want a kid always does because you cant force them - if you think you would be resentful and this would ruin your relationship you would need to consider leaving.

So you think the poster who suggested that having a child with additional needs means your life is over, wasn't making a shitty comment?

she was speaking from experience. Not sure what your experience is about raising a child with complex needs. One of my DC has SN. She is a teen. She needs 24/7 care/supervision. She will never be independent. I will be her carer until I drop. her disability cost me my job, my career, my marriage and my friendships. It left me lonely, isolated and piss poor living from hand to mouth without the prospect of getting my life ever back. Plus I have the added bonus that I know that once I die, my gorgeous DD will be left to rot in the state system which is totally dysfunctional and not fit for purpose.

like it or not but for some, bringing up a child with SN is an utterly shitty and devastating experience without any silver linings. Not sure what makes you think that you can claim their experience is not valid.

I’m 47. If I were to get pregnant now i don’t think i’m too old.

Not planning, but it isn’t impossible.

I don’t feel any worse than when I had my kids in my late 30’s. Dh was over 45 and again doesn’t feel too old or tired etc.

My own dad died when I was young, so I know how unpredictable losing your parents is. You could have very young parents and lose one or both before adulthood, or you could have fit and healthy parents into your middle and old age. My uncle was 70 when he lost his mum who was over 100.

Being young doesn’t prevent disabilities in your children.

I wouldn’t judge. As an older parent I’d look at my personal situation and how I’d cope financially for the child should there be a disability or should something happen to me.

From the child’s viewpoint, I was born when my dm was 42. We got on ok and she lived until I was 44.

She acted old though. Never owned a pair of trousers in her life, never mind a pair of trainers. She wouldn’t try new things, travel to new places or consider new ideas. It was her attitude that was the issue, not her age.

I don’t feel any worse than when I had my kids in my late 30’s. Dh was over 45 and again doesn’t feel too old or tired etc

It is not about how you feel but the quality of your eggs

I had old parents who I lost when I was quite young but I still think OP has a brief window in which to go for it. And I certainly wouldn’t have chosen not to have been born. My parents didn’t reach modern levels of life expectancy while I currently have friends in their 70s who still have a parent or parents alive which really amazes me!

Are you incapable of being polite @notheragain4 ? likely is a very definite term so use it properly. Statistically your risks are higher but it's not a fucking probability.