Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

My mum had us at 37, 39 and 42 and I can assure you it had literally zero impact on us growing up or now (I’m 30). My dad is a year younger. The only real negative element is your grandparents tend to be quite old which is a bit of a shame, but I’ve been lucky that my two grandmothers are both still incredibly healthy. But there are loads of positives not least you tend to have much much better financial security and be more comfortable in your life priorities around childrearing and work. I’m incredibly close to my parents and I really don’t notice any difference at all to friends whose parents are 10-15 years younger. I think the only reason to think twice would be if one or both of you are already in poor health.

I’d do it, whilst being aware that it may not happen anyway sadly given your age.

I wouldn't. My MIL had my husband at 40ish, she's now early 70s and dying. We had a long, heartbreaking chat the other day and she is absolutely riddled with regret that she didn't have him sooner, that her grandchildren won't remember her. Even before she knew she was dying, she compared herself with my parents, who are early 50s, and was so upset that she didn't have the energy/ability to have the sort of relationship with us and our children that they do. She's miserable that she's a burden on her son so early in her life.

Neither of you are unreasonable, but I would consider the risks.

Speaking as someone with older parents (mine were 40, and my DHs were 44 when they had us in the 1980s, when they were considered ancient parents!) there is a lot that I'm sad they haven't will not be around for. They don't have the energy to play with our 2yr old much and all suffer with poor health in their 70s. They weren't very hands on when I had DD and it was because of their age and associated age-related illnesses. Both DH and I grew up without grandparents and our DD isn't likely to have them around into her teens and adult years.

The statistics terrify me tbh, it's a real roll of the dice. I would be less concerned if I had no children, but if you had a child that was disabled or with additional needs that could hugely impact on your daughter. Yes of course there will be loads of women who say they were fine, go for it, etc etc. But I would go into it with your eyes wide open and look at the risks, just because someone on mumsnet has a positive story, doesn't mean yours will be (and vice versa of course).

Everything else in terms of age such as how tired you will be, whether you're happy to be an older parent etc is personal and I don't think there's too much of a right or wrong answer we all have our opinions on the pros and cons of age and child rearing, but when it comes to age and health risk factors, that's science that can't be refuted so would look at data and stats so you know what the risks are and weigh up what you'd do with each scenario. I think at 44 with a child already I would approach it a bit more clinically and with my head rather than just heart decision.

I think that if you are well, can conceive and carry a baby you are not too old.

Don't do it. If you have a child with additional needs (which is likely) your life is over

So 60 with a 15 year old? Your being very selfish. Certainly a big risk of the child having additional needs

Wtf am I seeing on here today.

OP your not too old but it’s sounds like your dh doesn’t want another one.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Lots of people will fall over themselves to tell you you are young and age is no object etc. My parents were 40 when they had me and I’ve felt it. There has always been a massive difference between what they have been able to do with my older sister and her children compared to me and mine.

think if you’d tried to have another close to the first, it would be different but the earliest would be 45 if you conceive quickly- more likely older. I just don’t think it’s fair on the child.

Are you financially secure, so you have good life insurance but also critical illness cover? What would you do if you had to give up work earlier than planned due to ill health while you were still in charge of a child who needed supporting, how would you feel if the second child had additional needs?

From someone who has a similar age gap between me and my parents, I beg you. Please don’t do it.

Neither of you is BU. I had my second child at 44. I'm 60 and he's 16. All is fine. I did have an amnio though, at the request of DP, so we would know if we had any additional needs to deal with. My only issue is that I may have to use my retirement lump sum to help him through college!

I couldn't do it but I had my kids when I was young and couldn't imagine doing it any differently but I wouldn't say you're too old. An aunt of mine had her first and only kid at 46 and as long as you think you can carry/conceive then I don't see why the hell not as long as it's something you can both agree on. If your DP thinks you're both too old then maybe he doesn't feel able to look after/keep up with another child and that's his choice too.

Depends on a lot of things, mostly your overall health.

In 10 years will you be able to be the kind of parent you want to be? Will you be able to do fun day trips and run round amusement parks?

My dad is 55 & very fit, but still struggles to keep up, and that's not full time parenting, just grandparent duty's.

OP, I had mine at 44. Single parent, little support.

And do you know what? It’s bloody wonderful.
Admittedly I’m knackered half the time (I’m 52 now) but show me a parent that isn’t.

It was an unexpected pregnancy, but I’d never regret having him. I’m young for my age and we have a fantastic relationship.

I can’t believe some of the shit comments I’m reading on this thread.

I’m 45 and can’t imagine anything worse but that’s me. You need to speak to DH. Is he genuinely happy with 1. Looking forward to more money no nursery fees when DC at school etc. You need to look into risks and discuss. Do you have back up if you have a difficult pregnancy. Are you on same page if baby had health issues etc. Some people have later life babies my great grandma did but there is a lot more going on behind scenes I suspect - donated eggs and late terminations for disability passed off as miscarriage.

They’re not shit comments though. They’re valid opinions based on everyone’s experiences.

You’re only answering based on yourself, not your child’s experience.

Would you want your child to reach 30 and have no parents left in this world? Because it happens.

@TightPants

I really struggle when people say it's selfish to have a child later in life.

So many things about having a child are selfish. I think the most important thing is to consider what you'll do if you're thrown a curve ball (and even then, there will always be things you can't predict).

My MIL was 21 when she had my DP. She is now 60. She can't climb stairs without great difficulty, can't walk more than a few hundred yards, and is in constant pain which makes her very tired. She had a rough life and she's not healthy. She was appalled when DP got pregnant aged 35, because that is apparently 'far too late'.

More and more women are having babies later (and yes, the ethics and the emotions around donor eggs and IVF worry me too). We can't keep clinging to the idea that you shouldn't dream of conceiving unless you're 28, solvent, educated, married, etc. etc. etc. Life doesn't work out like that.

I'm honestly not sure. I'm only 30 so it's very easy for me to say 'it's too old' when I have been lucky enough to have my first earlier on. If you want a second, really don't wait any longer. Anything over 45 seems a bit much to me, but again that's just my opinion and where is the line?

I came from older parents which was great in some ways but not others. I have a friend who is the same and hers never got to meet their grandkids :( awful to say but the truth of the matter. Would I want a 15 year old at almost 60? Probably not! But I'm assuming you're very fit and healthy op!

The disability thing worries me too.

My plan is to finish by 35 latest, just because of my experiences. Losing a parent is hard.

@Jellybeansincognio and you too are speaking from your experience.

You don’t know me, my situation or my son. So please don’t speak for him.

And how weird to say he may get to 30 and have no patents left in the world
Both my ex and I are fit and good, loving parents. That’s what matters.

Unfortunately you and your husband could die in a car crash tomorrow - there are no guarantees in life are there?

I had my last child at age 48, naturally conceived. I was concerned about whether the baby would be well and I did not want my other children to have to care for a child with special needs after my death so I had the NIPT at 13 weeks and would have had an amino if it had come back high risk. As it was it came back low risk and apart from daily Clexane (blood thinning) injections from about 24 weeks the pregnancy was fine and my little one was born with no issues. I have not been more tired because of my age, on the contrary, I have found I have much more energy and patience than I had when I had my first child in my late 20s. My husband did find the sleepless nights hard so I have done those myself which has worked for us. I am conscious that my youngest may not have us for as long as the others so it makes me focus on staying as fit and healthy as I can. I love having a little one again but it’s not for everyone, many of my friends feel their 50s are for turning the focus back on their own lives after children. In your situation I would have had another because I think if you are older when you have your children, a sibling becomes very important for shared memories and support, accepting that not all siblings get on, of course. A baby is such a life changer as you know, so obviously it is better if you and your husband are both committed to the idea, good luck with whatever you decide.

Everyone is different. Not a chance in hell would I have a baby at 44, but that's because I had my DC very young and he will be an adult then. My own mum became a grandmother at 44.

But you have a young child and are in a different situation.

Honestly I'm almost 34 and a single mum and I think I'm too old

Many of those who have babies in their mid 40s will use donor eggs. The chances of conceiving using your own eggs and carrying to term a healthy baby are not good. I think your DH is right as hard as that might be to hear. Sorry :-(

If I could be guaranteed a live healthy birth then I would totally go for it. I’m 43 with a 4 year old.

It’s a very personal decision OP.
I sailed through my pregnancy, carried on going to the gym, and had a natural delivery of my (huge) DS.
Although he doesn’t have siblings, he has lots of cousins whom we see regularly and that he’s close to.

Really it’s no one else’s business except you and your husband.

Also I work with children with disabilities and can verify that parents of all ages have kids with disabilities and special needs, not just older mothers!

My Mam and Dad had me when they were 19 and 20 respectively. My mother is not a good mother and my dad died when he was 41 and I was 20. Just because you have children young it doesn't mean you are going to be around and it doesn't mean your going to be a good parent.