Too old for a baby

[MummyIWantItNow]

I really want to try for another baby. I'm just 44 now, with a 4yo dd.
DP thinks we're too old. I don't. AIBU?

Only you know your family set up OP- having kids older is certainly harder with more risks but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it necessarily. Just go into it with your eyes wide open and discuss your husbands concerns.

Also I work with children with disabilities and can verify that parents of all ages have kids with disabilities and special needs, not just older mothers!

Obviously, but it would be disingenuous to pretend there isn't an increased risk the older the mother is. Of course a woman of 44 will need to factor in the health risks more than a woman of 24.

It doesn’t matter what a bunch of random son the Internet think as we won’t be the ones spending the next 18 years bring up the child.
The only one who’s opinion matters is yours and your husband and he feels he is too old so unless you are willing to split your family over this issue then your family is complete.

@TightPants it isn’t strange at all, it sadly happens.

Plus, people explaining about genetics and describing facts and not opinions.

I've just had my second at 44. She is utterly perfect. Had my first at 41, also perfect.
We're knackered, but who wouldn't be in the middle of lockdown with a 3 year old and a 7 week old.
It's wonderful. If you're both on board, go for it. Both of my pregnancies were trouble free and our girls are amazing.

To those people saying about age - some of us didn't have a choice. I didn't meet DH until I was 38.
And not sure about the higher risk of additional needs. Is not something I've come across amongst any of my friends who had babies in their 40s.

44 is old to have a baby as you already know yourself but too old is down to your own opinion.

My dad was 45 when I was born and I think it is too old to have a baby. Feel like i missed out on a lot.

We were post-40 parents to a 3rd child who's now mid-teens. Like everything else, it's different with subsequent children (more relaxed), personality (can be v different as you know) and age (you can be a bit more knackered but on the other hand know how things work, can be a bit more considered, etc.) It's been great, mostly and wouldn't change anything. But the message upthread about how much you'll strive for this and where to stop if it doesn't work is sensible thinking.
And yes, you're an older parent to a teen but as long as you aren't a prat about it and are a responsive parent, that can actually be an advantage.

I’d be interested to see modern stats @notheragain4.
My obstetrician told me that older mothers are much healthier these days.

Also, ‘disabilities’ covers a wider range of conditions than Downs Syndrome which was always associated with older mothers.
Conditions such as cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy and ASD don’t discriminate to just ‘geriatric mothers’ and I see them far far more regularly than DS.

Of course you are not to old.Cannot believe some of the responses!! So many selfish,self obsessed women on these boards.

If you can get your DP to agree go for it.

They’re not shit comments though. They’re valid opinions based on everyone’s experiences

@Jellybeansincognito

So you think the poster who suggested that having a child with additional needs means your life is over, wasn't making a shitty comment?

@TightPants it's not just about the health of the mother, it's the quality of the eggs. Yes pregnancy risks are one thing, I imagine that's something most women can review knowing their own health and history, I haven't got a link but when I researched in January I read that by 40 only 10% of a woman's eggs are chromosomally normal. I imagine it's a lot less by 44. We each have to take our own risks, but for me that terrifies me, especially as a mother already.

Personally I wouldn't. The risks are so much higher. I had my first at 41. I'm 44 this year and to be honest, I'm knackered.

I wouldn't choose it but I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. I live in London where a lot of women with young children are in their 40s.

The bigger problem is that your DH isn't on board, I think.

I had my first child at 31 and am pregnant again, will be 33 when this one is born. I’m very fit and active and healthy, but the difference in this pregnancy has been staggering. I am SO much more tired than first time round and had horrendous morning sickness. I can feel physical aches and pains much more now and can only put it down to age. I cannot imagine doing this again in 10 years time! I’d also worry about the impact on your existing child if you had a rough pregnancy/mcs/potentially a child with special needs (of course can happen to anyone at any time but more likely if you are older). A sibling might not be the gift to them that you imagine.

@harrietm87 sometimes pregnancies are just different though. I felt better in my second pregnancy at 33 than I did in my first pregnancy at 30. You can't be sure it's the fact you're two years older which makes the difference.

I personally don't find comments such as '60 and your child is 15, how selfish' particularly helpful. Time on this planet is never assured, you may be 30, have an offspring and unfortunately randomly drop dead.

Best to obsess about the quality of the life and time you share with the child. If you feel you can give the child the best life within your means, then go for it - regardless of age. I'm (ahem) relatively young, fit and healthy and I rarely have the energy to run after my young child. Whereas my older friends from mum groups, some mid to late forties are flying high and pulling tricks on that trampoline in the back garden.

Youth is in the bones of the individual, some have it and some don't.

I bitterly regret allowing my hubby to talk me out of a last baby.
If I were you I’d go for it.

you are gonna get loads of posters telling you it is fine but at 44 your eggs are ancient. very few women manage to get pregnant and if they do, it often results in miscarriage. Two close friends if mine for pregnant in the last couple of year. They were over 40 and both had a baby with Down syndrome. They both had an abortion. Doctors told them this is far more common than people assume but as pretty much all DS pregnancies end on abortion, people don't know about it.

Generally, issues with chromosome disorders go up (many of whom cannot be diagnosed prenatally) and pregnancy and birth complications go up as well.

Unless you are completely prepared for a child with complex needs, I would not even think about it.

I didn’t see that comment @Crunchymum definitely wasn’t referring to it!

Friend had her 4th at 47
A relative went through the menopause at 30.

Age in itself isn’t the issue. It is your fertility that dictates if you can/cannot have more children

Is your dh really saying he feels too old to go through the baby stage again

Not sure why my comment was deleted.

"Don't do it. If you have a child with additional needs (which is likely when older) your life is over."

I have a disabled child. My comment is valid. Don't erase it again please.

If you want a baby now & your dp is ok, go for it. Nobody knows what could happen in life at any age. A sibling would be wonderful for you dc.

I had my third child at 42. I would have happily had two more. I truly did not feel my family was complete at two. All my pregnancies and deliveries were normal. My lovely daughter will be thirteen this year. Do what makes you happy, op.

*Not sure why my comment was deleted.

"Don't do it. If you have a child with additional needs (which is likely when older) your life is over."

I have a disabled child. My comment is valid. Don't erase it again please.*

@inmyshedsmoking2000
I too have a disabled child and find your comment disgraceful - it wasn't me that reported you though - am happy to have your horrific ignorance on display for all to see!