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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

270 replies

Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 12:57

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

OP posts:
Kahiki · 22/06/2020 13:11

You really aren’t being unreasonable. Of course your dh need ms to work but that shouldn’t mean he ignores the needs of his son.

BestZebbie · 22/06/2020 13:14

Is he trying to not take leave so he can take it all when the baby comes to help out? Otherwise, he ought to be taking a day or half day of unpaid carers leave or holiday for the very busy times (like the actual hospital appointment) to support you both - even just physically transporting and comforting your son will be harder for you at 38 weeks, and he could actually make a difference.

madcatladyforever · 22/06/2020 13:16

He is being a massive twat, I am quite sure even the most hard hearted of employers would be sympathetic to this.

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 13:19

I am in tears. He honestly just suggested to me it’s easier if he doesn’t pick us up from
Hospital Wednesday evening but leaves the fucking car somewhere nearby. So I can leave the hospital, with a heavy suitcase and our son, on a busy road, probably quite upset (and DS too), walking around looking for the car. Just because he doesn’t want to pick us up?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 13:19

Is he trying to not take leave so he can take it all when the baby comes to help out?

He has 2 weeks of paternity plus an additional 2 weeks booked.

We haven’t had any holidays etc this year so he has plenty of days off to take.

OP posts:
Carlottacoffee · 22/06/2020 13:20

I’ve just wrote a long reply but scrapped it.

He’s being an arrogant dick. My ex was the the same with our two girls. Work come before us all. When I look back now I can’t believe I let him treat me that way.

In your situation right now I think I’d be tearing a strip off him.

Hope your child is ok

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 13:25

@carlottacoffee

Thank you. Yes, usually I accept work does come “first” in life. But I’m really struggling to understand how he can be so blasé about this. It feels like I’m carrying the practical and emotional weight of everything alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 13:26

He could so easily explain the situation to his boss as well and they would understand.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 22/06/2020 13:29

ah you poor thing, of course he's being unreasonable and coming across very very uncaring towards you and your son. I hope your son is ok

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 13:30

I would like to know why people think I am being unreasonable

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 22/06/2020 13:34

You’re update about leaving you the car is shocking? Is he normally like this? If you weren’t pregnant I would say going to hospital and home yourself with your child is fine but you are due any day and he is acting like this? Ridiculous behaviour!

My dh would be there in an instance however if I was 38 weeks pregnant he would probably offer to stay overnight and let me rest at home! Do you have any other family support? Or a friend who could help?

saraclara · 22/06/2020 13:36

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

I am in tears. He honestly just suggested to me it’s easier if he doesn’t pick us up from Hospital Wednesday evening but leaves the fucking car somewhere nearby. So I can leave the hospital, with a heavy suitcase and our son, on a busy road, probably quite upset (and DS too), walking around looking for the car. Just because he doesn’t want to pick us up?!
That's insane.

Remind him that you're 38 weeks pregnant, that you have no idea what news you might be given that day, and that you'll be balancing the child and the suitcase. Does he really think work is more important than you and the baby at that point?

I'd also be asking him what kind of father would choose not to be there to find out what's causing a neurological problem with his child.

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 13:37

The thing is i want to stay overnight because I want to be there with my son and he is still BF so that’s an added comfort someone else can’t provide. But I do feel like husband has taken it massively for granted that I will just be doing all
This stuff. Realistically it would be far better for him to be doing it (or any of the appointments etc) due to the pregnancy/coronavirus. It just hasn’t even occurred to him.

He’s a really nice man usually. I’m quite horrified by this entire situation and his behaviour.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 22/06/2020 13:37

Dick.

I'm sure his bosses would understand if he took time off. Is he one of those "I'm indispensable to the business" types?

Viviennemary · 22/06/2020 13:39

I see your dilemma and have sympathy. However, a lot of jobs are at risk at the present time and your DH might be feeling insecure. And him losing his job would make your problems a lot worse. He is not useless. He earns money without which you'd be sunk in worse difficulties.

campion · 22/06/2020 13:40

It's called burying your head in the sand. He doesn't want to or can't cope with complicated problems which may have an uncertain outcome. So he leaves it all to you from the practical arrangements to the worrying.

He needs a kick up the backside. Spell it out to him how much he's failing you right now. I wouldn't hold back,though being 38 weeks pregnant you'll need to think about your blood pressure!

Tiredmum100 · 22/06/2020 13:41

Yanbu. He should be picking you up from the hospital. My son had an op (day surgery). My dh dropped.us off and picked us up. What is your not so 'd' h reasoning for not picking you up?

DeeplyMovingExperience · 22/06/2020 13:43

How about your DH takes your son to the hospital and stays with him? See how that suggestion goes down.

For crying out loud, he is being a complete shit.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 22/06/2020 13:44

Could he be in denial? By ignoring it he can pretend it isn't happening. But it's making him be a dick. Realistically, at 38weeks, he needs to be ready to get to the hospital quickly to be with your son in case you go into labour.

Thanosatemthamster · 22/06/2020 13:44

I think going forward you should tell him you are rethinking the sahm role as he isn't going to have your back. You would be better off working and splitting other responsibilities between the two of you.

ThickFast · 22/06/2020 13:45

That’s horrible of him about the hospital situation. Surely he can take a couple of hours off.

Shamoo · 22/06/2020 13:46

He’s being a total twat. If he is doing a job whereby he is currently working from home, there is no way that it is acceptable that he isn’t going to stay with you during the day (even if he goes home to sleep). I have a very senior role and there is no way whatsoever I would let my wife and child go through this without me. No way. He is either senior enough that he can sort things to be able to be there, or he’s not that senior so him having a day out doesn’t matter. Honestly, it’s choice not circumstance if he isn’t there. What a prick.

AnotherCupple · 22/06/2020 13:47

He needs to talk to his work and take a couple of weeks leave and then his paternity leave.

You need to explain this to him, maybe he hasn’t been thinking properly and trying to keep working through it. Stress does funny things and sometimes it stops people from seeing the obvious solution.

Can you get a friend or family member to talk to him? These are very unusual family circumstances and I’m sure most workplaces would understand.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/06/2020 13:49

At the beginning of your post I was thinking you were maybe being unreasonable...lots of jobs are at risk and in any case I don't necessarily think children should come before a career.

But should an ill child and heavily pregnant wife come before work temporarily, if they are understanding about it - of course they should.

Is his job / industry at risk? I do think most employers will be sympathetic towards someone making calls in work time to sort out hospital appointments for their child (if they even knew, that's one of the benefits of working from home).

Have you sat him down to tell him how much you feel like you're struggling and spelt out what you need him to do?

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 13:50

You know what, id be so angry I’d shut him out completely. I’d get a taxi to and from the hospital. And I’d refuse to pass on any information about your child’s appointments, results etc. I would keep repeating “don’t worry about it, I’m handling it”