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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

270 replies

Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 12:57

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

OP posts:
Fredella · 22/06/2020 14:57

If your son is having a lumber puncture, there is a high chance that he is going to be sore, or at least achey, the next day. If so, he is really not going to want to walk around the hospital and the local area looking for a car! You need your DH there to carry him and/or the bag.
Pack as light as you can though - you shouldn't need a heavy suitcase for one night, though your bag is still likely to be heavier than you should be carrying at 38 weeks!
And has your DH actually thought about the possibility you go into labour at the hospital if you are lugging around your son and a bag?
Sounds very much like burying his head in the sand, and you really need to spell out to him that this is not acceptable.

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 15:01

And has your DH actually thought about the possibility you go into labour at the hospital if you are lugging around your son and a bag?

I basically said something like “if I go into labour there I’ll just have the baby there and you can bring the hospital bag” and received a blank stare as if I was insane.

I will
Back a case with wheels - it’s more that I don’t want to wrangle it and DS waddling around on a main road. The thing is I will need to pack a reasonable amount as we are there all day wed stuck in a hospital room
So DS will need some
Toys and games for entertainment.

@Carlottacoffee

Sad but true. Thank you for sharing your experience.

OP posts:
DopamineHits · 22/06/2020 15:02

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds like your DH doesn't like that his son is ill, and doesn't like that his heavily pregnant wife is stressed, so he's choosing to just blank it all out and act like it's not happening.

I'm shocked at posters saying things like "a taxi is an obvious solution". No, the husband and father being there for his wife and child is the obvious solution. And he should be at the hospital too. I think you need to put your foot down. Your ds is sick and needs hospital tests, and you're about to give birth. He needs to take some time off to be a part of his family.

If he loves work more than he loves his family (it sounds like he sees you both as strangers - not even willing to pick his sick child up from the hospital??) perhaps you could see about moving in with a family member during this vulnerable time.

timeisnotaline · 22/06/2020 15:06

What a twat. I think you should go ballistic. Pick his computer up, take it to the bathroom and tell him to choose job or family as he obviously can’t manage both. (Given you’ve said savings would last for years seems reasonable to take the hard line) you’re turning the shower on it if he doesn’t choose family and take the day off to be a father and husband and he needs to spend that day thinking how can I support and help. Not how quickly can this day be over.

Ellisandra · 22/06/2020 15:07

@DopamineHits I called the taxi an obvious solution. I do agree with you as it happens! I only meant the obvious solution as an alternative to having to find and drive home a dropped off car!

OldLace · 22/06/2020 15:09

YANBU

I struggle to imagine why 15% have voted YABU when your 'D'H thinks its acceptable for his 2 year old son who is having fits, will have had an anaesthestic (with previous bad reaction) and a lumbar puncture is okay to wander around looking for a car with his 38 weeks pregnant Mum (quite apart from the massive strain on you !!!).

Marmalady75 · 22/06/2020 15:13

If I was being flippant, I’d suggest some “Braxton Hicks” that magically start now to give his head a wobble.
If I’m being serious, I’d say you need to have one more try at a frank conversation. Then outcome of that will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 15:16

I think when DS is asleep later I am
Going to have to sit him
Down and explain fully
My
Position.

He’s a great husband and father in general but this is just a pisstake of epic proportions and makes it look like he doesn’t give a fuck about either of us. I think he needs to get real and step up. Otherwise he can go and sleep at his fucking office.

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 22/06/2020 15:20

If he's that bloody high and important in his job, surely he can take some time off for a family crisis.
Sounds like he just doesn't want to.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/06/2020 15:24

I think all that's going to work, if anything, is a confrontation. He won't like it, but challenging on each small separate event (call, appointment, lift) won't get you anywhere.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/06/2020 15:24

He’s a great husband and father in general

Is he?

afrikat · 22/06/2020 15:30

I pretty horrified by your husbands behaviour tbh. I think you need to sit him down, tonight, when he has finished work and cant use that as an excuse and spell out to him exactly what you are going through, how difficult it is and exactly what you need from him. You shouldn't need to do this though and you should seriously be considering this whole relationship if this is how he treats you all. The car thing is really worrying to me, I just dont see how you could do that to someone you are supposed to love

MulticolourMophead · 22/06/2020 15:38

@ShebaShimmyShake

He’s a great husband and father in general

Is he?

No. He really isn't.

If he was, he'd be providing support, helping with what's necessary, helping with DS, the appointments, collecting you, etc, etc.

He's shown you exactly where you and DS stand in the pecking order, and that's way below his work and what he wants.

Your comments about him being out at drinks while you were at home upset after your DS's surgery is a shining light on how much of a cunt he is.

If he really was a great father, those drinks wouldn't even have entered his head. He'd have been at home with his son and you.

He isn't going to change and suddenly start putting you first. I'd lay a big bet that during his paternity leave and the extra leave he doesn't actually spend much time with you or the DC, but on doing his own stuff.

Your choices now are to leave, to insist on making big changes (good luck with that because I reckon it'll get you nowhere) or to cave and accept he'll never change.

If you cave, you'll end up resenting him and will probably leave anyway.

CaraDune · 22/06/2020 15:44

OP, I'm a single mum with no ex on the scene. Most of the time DS and I muddle along okay, but I won't lie, it's bloody near impossible since lockdown - DS has (minor) additional needs which mean I have to be physically present in order to homeschool him, I can't just leave him with the computer, plus I am supposed to be WFH.

I say this not to start a "pity party for one" but so you'll understand the seriousness of what I'm about to say.

I feel sorry for you. You have it much worse than me at the moment. Because you should have support and it's being denied to you, which puts you in a psychologically and emotionally much worse place than me.

That's how badly your husband is behaving - your life is actually worse than it would be if you were a single parent. Is this really what your husband thinks constitutes being a good husband and father?

mamas12 · 22/06/2020 15:46

Your son won’t be able to walk properly after a lumbar puncture it’s not very nice at all you poor thing
Yes you do need to confront him and spell it out what you expect him to do for you and if he doesn’t then you know that this marriage is doomed
A lift to the hospital
Be on the end of the phone when you need him
Pick up from the hospital
Do his bit

PAND0RA · 22/06/2020 15:47

He sounds like a terrible father and husband to me.

For the next few days and months, buy in some professional help and don’t expect any from your husband.

You are wasting your breath trying to persuade him to care about you and his son. He's not there for you both because he doesn’t want to be. Whatever words he says to placate you.

In the medium term, think carefully about what @Calic0 said.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/06/2020 15:48

@CaraDune

OP, I'm a single mum with no ex on the scene. Most of the time DS and I muddle along okay, but I won't lie, it's bloody near impossible since lockdown - DS has (minor) additional needs which mean I have to be physically present in order to homeschool him, I can't just leave him with the computer, plus I am supposed to be WFH.

I say this not to start a "pity party for one" but so you'll understand the seriousness of what I'm about to say.

I feel sorry for you. You have it much worse than me at the moment. Because you should have support and it's being denied to you, which puts you in a psychologically and emotionally much worse place than me.

That's how badly your husband is behaving - your life is actually worse than it would be if you were a single parent. Is this really what your husband thinks constitutes being a good husband and father?

Exactly! The entire point of a relationship is that you should be enhancing each other's lives and making things easier. I'm sure that single parenthood is very very tough, and I think all single parents deserve fucking medals, but it must be even harder having a deadweight around who you can reasonably expect to treat you as if they love and care for you, but instead treat you like white goods. At least with the single parent there isn't any disappointment and additional insult.

Dumping the car so his heavily pregnant wife and sick toddler can walk there and drive themselves home after a night in hospital? Who does he think he is?

Tootletum · 22/06/2020 15:50

I'm obviously a bit of a surrendered wife then. We have three kids six and under, I work full-time and do all medical appointments, follow-ups, school admin, basically everything to do with the kids, and have done when pregnant as well. My husband occasionally does appointments if I can't get out of a meeting, but he has absolutely no idea what happens in their lives. I have a folder of all paediatrics correspondence he can read when he comes along with a question I've already told him the answer to. Yes, he's a bit useless, but I'd rather make sure everything is followed up and filed than leave him to forget it. I think your DH will be under more pressure than you realise, if it's anything like our current jobs. However I do think he's a bit crap given how big a deal an MRI is. When one of mine was in for grommets surgery my DH got home early to get to the hospital.

Original poster
Hopefullynothingtoworryabout · 22/06/2020 15:53

@Tootletum

I think your post doesn’t really get what I’m saying. I do all that stuff, or the equivalent at his age. It’s not a problem.

This is obviously quite an specialist circumstance isn’t it? And he can’t even pick us up from hospital because it’s “easier” to dump the car.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 22/06/2020 15:57

Oh OP I agree by and large I do the admin (prefer it) but he isn’t stepping up to do what you need him to do

I think you need to tell him straight

Tootletum · 22/06/2020 15:57

OP yes having read the subsequent information you have provided, I would more be leaning towards immediately divorcing his ass for unreasonable behaviour. He needs a bloody good explanation or a lawyer.

serenada · 22/06/2020 15:57

Can you stay in a hotel near the hospital? Not the answer to your real questions obviously but just to take all the pressure of you moving around, carrying stuff.

FromMarch2020 · 22/06/2020 15:58

YANBU

I hope your son is treated quickly and you know what is causing the issue.

Your husband must be able to have some holiday/sick time off to support you! In any event he is being unreasonable and should put son first.

tara66 · 22/06/2020 15:58

I like the taking the computer/laptop and putting it under the shower idea.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/06/2020 15:58

[quote Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]@Tootletum

I think your post doesn’t really get what I’m saying. I do all that stuff, or the equivalent at his age. It’s not a problem.

This is obviously quite an specialist circumstance isn’t it? And he can’t even pick us up from hospital because it’s “easier” to dump the car.[/quote]
Ultimately, it's about you feeling used and uncared for, and your son too. As I would feel too, in your circumstances.