AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

Honestly I’m sitting here crying. This is all just too fucking much. Had security cameras installed and they aren’t working on the app and it’s been the final straw. DS has been watching television for an hour because I’m
Trying to sort it out and I have to do dinner, pack hospital bags and I want to throw my husband‘s computer under the shower as recommended.

I can’t get over the car suggestion. And it just brings back his wanker behaviour last time.

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout and unmumsnetty hugs.

Can I suggest "to hell with the security cameras" as a short term fix? At least that's one less thing to worry about.

I have a husband who very much puts his career first and expects us all to work round it - however when it comes to health and appointments and supporting me when I really do need it ( not just feeling a bit weary and wanting the washing hung out) he is there and moves stuff as necessary.

Your husband needs a talking too I’m afraid

Good luck with your son and the new baby x

@CaraDune

Yes I suspect I ought to give up on this one

I've every sympathy for you OP but also think you need to give your head a bit of a wobble and have a think about whether he is actually a good dad/partner or if he's just a paycheck. It certainly doesn't seem like he's taking any interest in the health of his son or his pregnant wife despite having annual leave available.

The suggestion with the car should tell you exactly what you need to know, he'd rather you at 38 weeks pregnant struggle around central London, with a suitcase and an in pain toddler who is very unlikely to want to walk, than him have to take 2 hours out of his day to come and get you and make sure you are all safe.

Yeah take one thing off that full plate and say sod it to the cameras for now

Yadnbu. And yes you should get the support emotionally and physically. And he should be collecting you from hospital etc.
However I'd also question his motives if you say this is not like him. Is he worrying about it all and burying his head in the sand. When I was in itu my dad didn't visit, wouldn't acknowledge what was going on, always said it'll be fine. He's the same with my dcs chronic medical problems.
I think you perhaps need an honest chat and tell dh how you're feeling, tell him what you need from him but also you understand that his job puts a roof over your heads and you appreciate that. You perhaps need to prioritise what you need him for. You are likely to have multiple appointments /phone calls that need attention maybe look at dividing up tasks or that dh will attend with or instead of you for xyz.
As a parent of two children who have had multiple tests/diagnosis I empathise. The not knowing is the worst part. When you get a disgnosis it's easier to deal with you can focus on a plan of action. It's not easy but you can deal with the known a little easier.

If your little boy is having a lumbar puncture you cannot walk him round looking for a car. His little head will ache and he’ll be likely upset.
If your dh has got so much money hire a car and driver for the full day that you are coming home. That way no one else will have been in the car that day and the driver will pick you up where you want.

OP I grew up knowing full well that my dad's work and hobby were both more important to him than me, my DBs or my DM. That's not a good piece of information for a child to have.

Please think about what your H's behaviour is saying and will in the future say to your DCs about how much he values them. It's bad enough he's showing no care for you (my dad once stood my DM up on their wedding anniversary to do his hobby, on the grounds that it's better to let down one person than a whole team, yes really), but he shows none for your DC either. I have a whole childhood worth of memories with my DM, but the answer to 'where was dad when x happened' would always be 'at work' or 'at hobby'. You can't make him change, but you can show your DC what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

I'm struggling with your 'he's an amazing husband and father'

Errrr no he's not, he's utterly shit and doesn't seem to give a rats arse about you, or your son's well being. All he seems capable of doing is providing money.

@BurtsBeesKnees

I'm struggling with your 'he's an amazing husband and father'

Errrr no he's not, he's utterly shit and doesn't seem to give a rats arse about you, or your son's well being. All he seems capable of doing is providing money.

It never fails to amaze me how often women say this about some horrible guy who's treating them and their children like white goods or household ornaments.

Have you tried taking what you need rather than waiting for him to step up? Eg, when you have an important call to take, bring your toddler up to his room and close the door? Or go up to his room for your important zoom call because you need WiFi now.
This is how men operate. They assume themselves and their work to be IMPORTANT and act accordingly.

Rather than fuming over his car suggestion, just shoot it down. “that doesn’t work for me” is a useful knee jerk phrase. Tell him directly what you want/need.

Some men need the lines drawn clearly for them. I can’t tell from a few lines on a forum whether he is emotionally stupid or actively callous. Some people need more signposting than others and only you can decide whether it’s worth putting up with emotional stupidity in the long term.

Fuming, though, is a waste of energy, and it’s bad for your health. Take action. And take note. You’re in a vulnerable position at the moment but you don’t have to remain dependent on him indefinitely.

He's being a knob OP.

I must admit when I read threads like this, where DH/DP (it usually is the male DP) do f*ck all for their partner and children (apart from bring the cash to the table), I wonder if they even like their DP or DC? I haven't been in a romantic relationship for years so I'm not sure if I'm being naive to think that your DH or DP should be your best friend too? surely that hasn't changed in the last 10 years?

Did he really want children OP or has he gone along with having children because it's what people do? I just can't get my head around him leaving you both to it once he's dropped you off at the hospital.

For what it's worth, I've worked with plenty of very high profile people in science and industry and most would still make time in their hectic schedules to be there for their sick children and soon to drop wives.

I basically said something like “if I go into labour there I’ll just have the baby there and you can bring the hospital bag” and received a blank stare as if I was insane.
This is really rather chilling, OP. It's not as if this isn't a real possibility.

Is he always like this ?

I feel like perhaps coming closer to ur due date he might b stressing out about getting all the hand overs and work out of the way so he has something to come back to. He sounds insecure about his job or his team.

It’s not right what he is doing, try discuss with him that he needs to put his son first, but try not to sound accusative that he doesn’t care enough about u and ur son until you’re sure.

You are pregnant and vulnerable and need far more support than this so it’s understandable you feel enraged.

Ah the old MAN WITH THE BIG JOB act.

Which strokes his ego, and has the added benefit of abrogating all parental responsibility onto you.

He'll be giving you dismissive waves of the hand next.

Do not let this lie OP.

Family first always, my DH is very busy at work, but he would be there in heartbeat if I or DS’ need him. So sorry yr DH is not supportive, have you a family member or friend that will help you? Good luck, I hope your DS is better soon.

He is NOT a great husband and father with his attitude and dickish suggestion that you sort it all out yourself.

I'd ask him straight out if he's actively campaigning for a divorce because you can't imagine yourself staying with someone who so clearly couldn't give two shits about his very pregnant wife and ill child, both who need him to step up as a father, partner and human fucking being.

If I were you, I would be asking friend, mum, (or who ever is close to you) to support you with the hospital appointment. if thats not an option booking a cab .
And after all thats done I will be looking for a divorce lawyer.

He'll be giving you dismissive waves of the hand next.
He's already done that. Quote from one of OP's previous posts:

Tried to explain earlier EEG is booked and I’m in overnight and basically got shooed out of his office.

I'd ask him straight out if he's actively campaigning for a divorce because you can't imagine yourself staying with someone who so clearly couldn't give two shits about his very pregnant wife and ill child,
Actually I'd save that until I'd got my ducks in a row. No point in alarming the twat into hiding his finances...

"we are very comfortable and there are no financial concerns. Even if he lost his job, which he won’t, we would be fine on savings for what amounts to years"

So in a divorce you will be fine.
You can afford extra help as well. Hire a nanny hpusekeeper to help you out in newborn period. Then consider your options going forward

Please say you have household help?

@teraculum29

If I were you, I would be asking friend, mum, (or who ever is close to you) to support you with the hospital appointment. if thats not an option booking a cab . And after all thats done I will be looking for a divorce lawyer.

Yes, I agree with this.

I would tell him tonight that if he doesn't shape up immediately then you're going to file for a divorce. He's disgraceful. I bet he's a "good father" when it comes to showing off his son, yet he can't even put him first when there are frightening and possibly painful tests for him. This would be his absolute last chance.

His son is going into hospital overnight for some really nasty tests, the results of which are unknown and could be scary, and not only is he not choosing to be there, he can't even be bothered picking you all up afterwards.

I'd be asking him what he thinks a father is. Because he's not fulfilling a single element of the role in this situation. Not one.