AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

Bloody hell he was lying to you and going out on the piss when you were home win a newborn? That is incredibly hurtful, that he didnt want to get to know his son when he could, that he didn't want to support you, and that he lied to you at a time when you were vulnerable.

I don't think he is going to change OP. That's who he is and probably why he is successful at what he does. You can either leave or accept this is what he is like and that if you shout at him loud enough he will eventually 'help' but it will never come naturally and voluntarily. I guess only you know whether the pay off from the good parts of your relationship is worth it.

Anyway good luck for the procedure and for everything else

@MyBedIsMyDesk that sounds horrendous and I’m so sorry. I’m not for one minute saying it’s an excuse, it’s disgusting behaviour and entirely unforgivable - but I’m not sure that thinking he just doesn’t give a damn is the most helpful thing to the OP and I bloody hope that isn’t the case!

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout
I saw your other thread too, I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I've had a badly injured child while pregnant and it is a totally shit experience, the hormones really amplify the natural worry until it's near crippling.
I really hope your DH shapes up and starts supporting you, but I'm mainly posting with some practical advice. Pack food and drink for you. The hospital will provide food for your son but not you, and you will likely be unable to leave his side all day. It may sound callous but where normally an adult can not eat much for a day and be fine when you're heavily pregnant you need the calories so be sure you have supplies. Best wishes for tomorrow

I hope you came across loud and clear op. I think given history you also need to say ‘I’m so upset I need to say this but given your recent not-giving-a-shit about us behaviour and when he was born I absolutely do. We are having another baby. Your behaviour last time was unacceptable. You had better not work late for the next 6 months, you have to say to them I was a fucking asshole to my wife and lied about working late when our last baby was born so cannot do one single evening for the next six months and if you can’t say that I will, to everyone we know. You had better not lie to me in any way shape or form or our marriage is damaged forever. This is our baby and we have an unwell child also and I expect your support as a father or husband. Just ask yourself every week what someone who actually cared About us would do and if you need to then fake that while you work out how to be a human being.’
I really hope he listens. I think you should send him to therapy actually if he is even remotely this great guy you think as this Completely avoiding any difficult situation behaviour is only going to happen again and one day you will snap and throw him out with his computer landing on top of him.

This sounds so tough - and I've been in a similar crappy situation with DH (unwilling to come back from a work dinner as I got into the ambulance with DS - eventually he was shamed into joining us at the hospital). Just wanted to send you hugs, you sound like a wonderful mum and you will get through this. It is truly amazing what the NHS can do for our little ones Xx

"He’s a great husband and father in general but this is just a pisstake of epic proportions and makes it look like he doesn’t give a fuck about either of us."

It doesn't make it look like anything. It makes it clear that he actually doesn't give a fuck.

A "great husband and father" would never have done this:

"after our son’s operation last year I was extremely upset and instead of calling me from work to talk, he said he was on calls all evening. He wasn’t. He was at fun drinks with colleagues."

I'm sorry, but I think this is unforgivable LTB territory.

On a practical note, do you have a parent, sibling or close friend who lives close enough to give you and DS lifts to and from the hospital and give you some moral support? If I were you I'd call someone I could actually rely on and tell "D"H to fuck off, preferably literally to somewhere else.

A "great husband and father" would never have done this.

^This in spades. There are a lot of men with stressful and high powered careers, but they're still able to step up when their OH is heavily pregnant and their DC is ill. Because they actually care for their sick DC and their pregnant partner.

There really are no excuses.

@MyBedIsMyDesk

I am so sorry

It doesn’t sound like he’s putting his job first as much as it sounds like he won’t take on the stress of your sons medical issues. I can understand it tbh, people only have so much capacity to deal with stress. I was pushed over my capacity when a family member fell ill a few months ago. I’ve been a shell of a person since, everything was going fine before that but now everything is just too much for me. If he is able to I would really suggest he takes a block of leave so he can remove work stress from his plate in order to be able to void with your son and the baby.

He is working. And probably stressed to the max with his job and home situation. He must have it devided in his head that you deal with all the kids related stuff as a sahm and he works because you guys need money to live.

I feel like this is too one sided of a story to judge for me.
You sounds on edge which makes perfect sense given all that is happening, but talk to the man. Sort things out.

I feel like this is too one sided of a story to judge for me

Surely every post is one sided on here? I can only present the facts as they happened to garner opinions. I doubt DH would tell you any different himself, since he has accepted responsibility for his behaviour/excused it and apologised!

@Yeahnahmum

He is working. And probably stressed to the max with his job and home situation. He must have it devided in his head that you deal with all the kids related stuff as a sahm and he works because you guys need money to live.

I feel like this is too one sided of a story to judge for me.
You sounds on edge which makes perfect sense given all that is happening, but talk to the man. Sort things out.

Did you even read this post?

Tbh this does remind me (drip feed but didn’t think of it until now) that after our son’s operation last year I was extremely upset and instead of calling me from work to talk, he said he was on calls all evening. He wasn’t. He was at fun drinks with colleagues. Ffs what a bellend.

What's the "other side"?

He phoned you to make the appointment/ talk about it. But your the one dealing with the appointments so I,m not sure if that's an issue. You could have said. Yeh I am out can you do it?

No @june2007 - he screenshotted the email and sent it to the OP - who was not looking at her phone. He had the email and could have responded but didn't even have the courtesy to ring the OP and check in with her - just pressed send - thats how much headspace he gives her. None.

Myrtle my point still stands I would have phoned and said you deal with it I am out and about. If he is working and she deals with the appointments I can see why he emailed it. I don,t think that is unreasonable. Of course he could have made it too and that would have been fine as well. but I think this is part of the problem not the problem.

@june2007

I could phone and ask him to deal with it because I was out pushing a buggy and not checking my phone. Whcih he knew. It’s also not like a normal appt I had to make for him, it was a very last minute “mum and dad you need to give blood so can you call to book this in for tomorrow during his MRI”. Very straightforward!

*couldn’t phone

@june2007

He phoned you to make the appointment/ talk about it. But your the one dealing with the appointments so I,m not sure if that's an issue. You could have said. Yeh I am out can you do it?

And you think he would have said yes, of course dear, I'll do it?

Bloody hell OP, I'll pick you guys up myself if it's Chelsea & Westminster or similar west London...

I'm so sorry for you in this situation

He is being a dick

Ide rather kick him out then deal with his complete lack of empathy, care or consideration

I don't think this sounds like he's overwhelmed. I think he's addicted to the buzz and ego-boost of his work and he rarely needs to be nice to you in a way that conflicts with his work so it doesn't usually come up. The lack of emotional depth is heart breaking. I think it's quite common for a narcissist to decide they're behaving callously because they feel much worse about it all than everyone else. They don't have a normal yard stick to hold up and think "Well this is how Id act if I cared". You could try an ultimatum and spell out exactly what it would look like to care. Then he can make a decision if he thinks it's with it. I'm sure you will get a wonderful performance but I don't feel hopeful he will change. Only you know how truly caring he is really capable of being. Best of luck with the tests and going forward.

What a time to make it all about himself.

worth

@JamesTKirkcompatible

Thank you for making me
Smile!

How are you feeling today OP? Is he going to take the day off now?

@TiddlestheCat

DH being much more useful. It’s been an absolute nightmare of a day and obviously tomororw going to be very difficult too. Trying to see if DH can swap with me for a few hours tomorrow as I’m stuck in the room until 7pm with the EEG stuff and actually I’m already in physical agony from all the writhing of DS today, rocking, holding, bending, carrying etc. So would be great if DH could come and play with him for a bit. Depends on the hospital due to covid. And if he can’t then he will sort out chasing doctors tomororw for MRI results etc.

Hats off to anyone who has had a child in hospital like this - it’s upsetting and exhausting. I wish I could have some brandy. I hope DS has a good sleep anyway.

Thank you for asking!