AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

Really feel for you OP. My DH had a minor habit of this - DS was diagnosed with a critical illness at 8 weeks, and on the day it escalated he wouldn't come to appointments with me as he was working. As it started to unfold, he did join me in the (third different) hospital of the day, and he did very quickly step up after that. I think with men, sadly, sometimes they are too wrapped up in their own life/importance to hear our pleas for support. It also sounds like your DH is seriously burying his head in the sand. Try and calm yourself down, for your own sake more than anyone else's, and when DS is in bed later have a natter of fact talk with him about how he is coming across, how heavy the burden is on you, and what you need him to do. Ask him for any explanation he may have, and listen to what he says. And try and work out a way forward where he is able to give you the support. I really hope you resolve this issue and he steps up for you all - pronto.

he's an amazing husband and father

He isn’t OP. It sounds to me like he’s only good at bringing the money to the table and that isn’t good enough.

In the immediate, you can’t rely on him to help you both through this time. Is there a friend or family member that can accompany you to the hospital and drive you home?

I wonder what his colleagues would say if they knew how he was behaving? Surely they can't all be like that?

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, OP, that is a hell of a lot and not only is your husband not helping, he is making it ten times worse. My ex would have been like your husband - not the workaholic behaviour just the indifference - and I was so glad I split up with him.

I really don't tend to jump on the 'divorce' / LTB bandwagon very often. But, regardless of the fact that ALL abuse is bad, I take special exception to mistreatment of children. And make no mistake, I consider this man's actions to be abusive. He is presumably aware that at 38 weeks you could go into labour at any point? That you shouldn't really be lifting heavy things? Does he understand how painful a lumbar puncture is? How much his son will need both of his parents there? How you yourself may need emotional support after witnessing your son in pain? (I cried when my babies got their first immunisations for Christ's sake, sure it's funny in retrospect, but it affected me at the time regardless and my partner was there squeezing my hand).

I genuinely don't care if I see this post quoted later telling me I'm being too dramatic. If these are the full facts of this situation, then I have less than zero respect for your 'husband' and I think you should try your hardest to find the strength to either confront him, or walk away. You and your babies deserve SO much better than this.

And also, whatever his job is, it can't be that important. Even a member of the fucking royal family would take time out of their 'busy schedule' to support their sick child. Even if that is only for media coverage. Your H needs to re-evaluate his self importance. Because the 'great men' in history aren't remembered for sacrificing their family for their jobs, and neither will he be.

Ask him what he would want written on his tombstone.

Maybe he can’t cope or has trouble coping with the fact that your child is sick and he can’t do anything , he can’t even feed him. He may also be finding this really really hard . He is the father,, man of the house and yet is totally out of his depth and panicking and can’t protect his child.

Have you tried taking what you need rather than waiting for him to step up? Eg, when you have an important call to take, bring your toddler up to his room and close the door? Or go up to his room for your important zoom call because you need WiFi now

Please re read the OP I wrote. With the zoom call, I specifically asked to use his office and I really had to fight with him
To be allowed to do so. It was horrible.

To everyone picking on me saying he is a great father and husband otherwise, I’m trying to answer people who are asking if he is always like this. He’s not. Usually he does show an interest and makes an effort. And usually he is supportive of me. He does just also have this extremely selfish side. I came close to leaving last year because he was pretending to be working late but actually our for drinks, very often, whilst I was at home with a newborn. And, as I said, during another period of upset and an operation.

I have had a small discussion with him
Now and he is saying the car thing he thought would be easier for ME! But no real explanation as to how that would be easier.

The person asking if he is just a pay check - that’s a bit below the belt. Or course he’s not. I married him because I love him and he’s funny and clever; but he has this shockingly selfish side and I can’t reconcile The rest of him with his behaviour at the moment. I am really appalled.

I signed up for the long hours at work and doing everything alone but this is not a usual situation. It warrants a bit of assistance from him.

We have a part time nanny/housekeeper in preparing for the second baby. Just for people who have asked if we have help etc - we do. But she is not his father and can’t help or be there for any of this! Nor should she have to.

I also think it becomes so much more apparent how bad a man’s selfishness is (if they are selfish - obviously lots of men aren’t) once you have children, because you Compare it to your own standards.

I can’t imagine anything in this world more important than my son or his health. For goodness sake his father lives round the corner from the hospital why not stay there overnight to be nearby? That’s what I would do.

Thanks for all the input and support btw - I Really wasn’t Sure if I should just suck it up

OP I don't think you are reading what that poster is saying - what happens if you just say what is needed - "I'll need to use the office in half an hour as I need good WiFi for the call to the doctor". And walk away. Not asking. It your demand is perfectly reasonable then you should tell not ask. "Your son will need collecting from hospital so I'll ring at x so you know when to leave to collect us".
Selfish people sometimes respond better to instructions than a request that makes them respond selfishly.

hey OP, just wanted to ask how you were feeling? I assume your DH hasn't asked you yet, given how he's been with you generally. You must be worried about DS and the tests, alongside getting ready for DC2.

You can do it alone - but you know that already because you're already doing it.

In terms of driving to/from the hospital - is there anyone else you can ask to take you/pick you up if your arsehole DH won't do it? A taxi, while usually a good suggestion, isn't ideal if both you and your DS are sore/tired/uncomfortable. Can either of your parents/DH's parents help with the journey. It may also shame DH into realising he's acting horribly.

DH had a terribly important job so I often had to deal with DC1's SN. I did snap when DC2 was little. Having done everything with the children I reminded him that whilst I was the primary carer, he wasn't too busy to look after the children on occasion and that if he continued to opt out of parenting, then it would result in him having them every second weekend and having to do everything himself with them. He did wise up, and starting prioritising them much better (also helped that his career altered so he could take more time off/juggle it better).

Finally good luck with the birth. I really hope you can get through to your DH but based on his behaviour, I think you'll see more importantitus from him in the future. I guess now is not the ideal time to think about the relationship long term, but maybe start questioning what kind of relationship you do/don't want.

I'll need to use the office in half an hour as I need good WiFi for the call to the doctor". And walk away. Not asking

I Did this. It’s exactly what i did. You can’t just “walk away” though it’s not a tv show - if he replies, which he did, saying “I have a call that Isn’t going to work” then I need to respond and discuss it.

@LabradorGalore

I really appreciate you asking: no, he hasn’t. I feel terrible, really. It’s two things; the practicalities of the horrible tests and 24 hours + in hospital with DS, plus the worry about what is happening to him/results. Although I am extremely relieved and grateful that the tests are being done before the baby arrives. You will know all about that from the sounds of things - I’m pleased your DH stepped up for you. There isn’t really anyone else to ask about driving to hospital. It’s such a big ask of a friend as it’s so far away, and family either aren’t around or are a bit tricksy (eg FIL).

I could have guessed he was the type to go to the pub after work and expect you to believe he was "working". He's selfish and takes you for granted, it's as simple as that.

Good for you for seeing it, and don't let him away with it. Put your foot down now or it will just continue till the next time you've had enough.

And also, whatever his job is, it can't be that important. Even a member of the fucking royal family would take time out of their 'busy schedule' to support their sick child.

Boris Johnson rightly took three weeks off when he had coronavirus. Now obviously he's an incompetent charlatan leading a load of clowns, but the country didn't fail any worse than it would have done if he had been there. If his work can do without him for three weeks, your husband's can spare him for a couple of half days.

Do you think (trying to play devil's advocate here) he genuinely thinks that you having the car close by so you can leave when DS is discharged would be preferable to trying to time when you can/need to leave the ward and his having to travel an hour to collect you? Discharge can take forever from when they say you can go, and then all of a sudden it can happen instantly, and if you can't/don't want to hang around at the hospital (which most of us wouldn't atm) then you'd be able to head straight off?

I'm not suggesting in any way that his suggestion and the way he has put it across is OK - it just occurred to me he might genuinely believe it'd be less hassle for you?? 🤷‍♀️

I’m so sorry OP and I hope your DS is ok and everything goes well at the hospital.
If your DH is normally not like this, maybe he can’t/doesn’t know how to handle the situation emotionally..? (Not trying to excuse his behaviour which I think is pretty awful but..) Maybe you could sit down with him this evening after he’s finished work and lay out what you need him to do and be there for over the next couple of days and tell him how you feel about all of this as calmly as you can. (I’d be f’ing livid!!)
And if he won’t do anything after that then he sounds like a massive knob and you deserve much better!

What an arse OP (him, not you!)
What makes his call more important than yours to his child's doctor?

Do you think (trying to play devil's advocate here) he genuinely thinks that you having the car close by so you can leave when DS is discharged would be preferable to trying to time when you can/need to leave the ward and his having to travel an hour to collect you?

Of course he doesn't, but even if he were that stupid, OP has told him it won't be easier for her and their child, so that's that.

You are facing one of the best times in your life - another baby - and one of the worst - a sick child. He's just absented himself from the family, so that you can't enjoy the thought of the new baby and you're not getting support for the sick child.

What will it take for this selfish bastard to see the damage he's doing?

Anybody who is genuinely caring and considerate would say 'what works best for you? Should I leave the car near the hospital? Do you need me to pick you up?'

Anybody who is worried about their job during a situation like this would say 'I'm so sorry but I really can't come with you, my boss doesn't think this is serious and we can't afford to lose the money'. Followed most likely by desperately calling round friends and family to find somebody who can step in and take your 'daddy' role so that your wife and children are safe and looked after.

There is no way I can believe that he thought that leaving the car near the hospital was the best option - because there are no 'best options' in a situation like this, any decent person would be prepared to be flexible, instead of being such a selfish cunt about it.

if he replies, which he did, saying “I have a call that Isn’t going to work” then I need to respond and discuss it.

Suggestion: 'Our son's health comes first. I will be coming in to make that call. Where you go is up to you'. And do it. Hard I know. But he's used to just saying no and that's that. It needs to change but I'm afraid you'll need to get angry to push it.

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout - I'm so sorry for all your worries. I unfortunately do know what it is like, and what a worrisome time it is. i really feel for you as I know you must be concerned about DS. Hopefully it will be relatively quick procedure, but I know your DS may have to lie down for quite some time after the lumber puncture. It is positive it is happening before DC2 arrives though, as you can concentrate on DC2 right now.

Shame I'm not that end of the country, as you sound lovely and in need a good friend to help.

Get through the tests as the first step - as that is likely to be quite draining (paediatric wards are not for sleeping!) and you'll both need a couple of gentle days afterwards to get back to feeling normal. Then prep for DC2. I'm going against the grain by saying not to upset the apple cart now - but i don't condone your DH's behaviour. I just have been in situations where it was harder to make a fuss than juggle.

But don't stand for it long term. You and your DC deserve better.

I don't know what's wrong with your son but I really wish you and him all the best. And having been through the medical mill, happy to chat further if you want to.

I'm sorry your friends/family aren't closer - that really is difficult.

Depending on how difficult your pregnancy is, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to run around dealing with the practical things during his working hours. However, you said it wasn't just the practical stuff he wasn't doing - you felt let down emotionally.

Even if he can't attend calls during working hours, he needs to be there for you emotionally outside of those working hours as you're understandably very worried about your DS, and he needs to support you in that. It's not reasonable you carry all that worry and fear alone.

I think you might need to spell out to him how difficult you're finding it, and how you need him to use some of his annual leave days to give you a break, because you've done so much this far and you're at breaking point. He doesn't seem to appreciate that you're not asking for his time to share doing chores, you're now asking because you need respite.

Unfortunately if you're always been Wonder Woman, you may need to tell him clearly you're not coping, or he might assume you'll magically deal with everything as you have done in the past.