AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

Ah best of luck

You poor love! I simply cannot imagine. I could barely move when I was pregnant. I carried really low and carried too much fluid. It's so hard as you just can't get comfortable. I cannot imagine the physical difficulties, the discomfort, the hormones and the stress. Such a worrying time for you. Several years ago my husband ended up in a coma on a life support machine whilst I had a little baby and small child. So I can empathize with having a lot on your plate at once/dealing with hospitals and being the one to carry all that worry alone, although, I don't think that it could ever compare to having a sick child! Anyway, people were exceptionally kind to me, the hospital staff were brilliant and complete strangers offered to help me in any way they could. So hoping that all goes well tomorrow, that the results are positive and that you continue to kick your husband up the arse!

So sorry I just pressed the wrong voting button you are definitely not being unreasonable. Sorry 😳

Sorry that I upset you with my comment Have you tried taking what you need rather than waiting for him to step up? It’s hard to convey tone online and it was meant a lot more kindly than it might have come across.

Ideally, he would empathise and think and priorities properly, but not all men do. Telling him directly what to do is a way to distinguish between a man who needs guidance (tiresome) and one who is selfish and callous.

But I know how hard it is to have to “manage” another adult when your plate is full and you need support you can lean into. It’s often easier to just get on with it, than think up answers to “tell me what to do and I’ll do it”.

I’m glad to hear that he’s being a little bit more helpful.

It’s so hard being in hospital. Even in the best of circumstances, they are emotionally draining places to be. But with a sick child it’s exhausting physically and psychologically. If I could reach through the screen and give you a hand I would in a heartbeat. I hope all goes well today.

He’s come
To hospital today so we can swap
For a bit as we aren’t allowed with DS as the same time due to corona. I’m
Sitting in the boiling car with food to have a break. DS has responded extremely poorly to the LP and is not able to walk today. At all. Just screaming and having a terrible
Time, probably going to have to stay here at least another night.

Thank you for all the support.

Oh OP I am so sorry hope your little boy is ok and they find out what is causing it.

It must be so stressful for you both and it sounds like he was blocking it out

Good that you can swap, that must be some relive. Hope you get some answers for your little boy.

Oh gosh! Poor you! Exhausted, stressed and sat in a boiling hot car whilst heavily pregnant on the hottest day of the year! Can you leave the engine running/put the Aircon on? Sorry to hear about your DS. It's so hard when you can't explain to them what's going on. Thinking of you!

Oh OP, that sounds just awfully hard, besides being so heavily pregnant.

How are you getting on now?@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

Are you having to stay in for another night?

@TiddlestheCat

Was all set for another night (at least one other) due to lack of ability to sit/stand but, at about 6/7pm DS had a fairly miraculous recovery and was able to walk around, albeit not as per usual. So that, with the wonderful addition of the MRI scan being normal, meant we got home at 10pm and are now home. What a nightmare followed by such a great result.

DS in pain and keeps saying it hurts but he’s on high doses of pain killer. Will discuss next steps with Paedatrician and neurologist today as these findings suggest she was correct in thinking it’s a dystonia.

DH stepped up massively. He emailed his bosses to let them know what was going on and they were, as expected, incredibly kind and supportive and told him to take all the time he needs. He got up with DS at 5 until 8 so I could sleep and let him have as many biscuits as he wanted 😁 (very well deserved).

Thank you for asking. It’s been very eye opening as we only told a handful of people about this and some of them have been incredible in their support (as have people on this thread, who I do not even know), and some didn’t even bother to ask and are now dead to me (maybe an overreaction but I’m still so tired might not be thinking straight).

I don’t know how anybody copes with sick children. I suppose you do because you have to, but this has undoubtedly been the worst 36 hours of my life. Enormous hugs to anyone who has been through or going through similar; I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I'm glad to hear you're home and he finally stepped up

DH stepped up massively. He emailed his bosses to let them know what was going on and they were, as expected, incredibly kind and supportive and told him to take all the time he needs. He got up with DS at 5 until 8 so I could sleep and let him have as many biscuits as he wanted 😁 (very well deserved).
Good OP and DH stepping up and being a proper partner and father is NOT before time.

You take care of yourself a bit now that DH is a bit more supportive. Take a breath (or several!)! Before the new baby comes. 🌷

Oh your poor thing I'm glad that DH stepped up. And that DS is ok and home now!

Dystonia and seazures? Have you heard of fubctional Neurological disorder? it is a rare condition which can effect anyone at any age, it has a wide variety of symptoms for some this includes non epeleptic attack disorder. (seazures). MRI wil appear normal, blood tests will appear normal. My husband has it. (It can come and go.). It may not fit with your sons symptoms but maybe worth a look.

Sounds extremely stressful, and hope your little one is feeling a bit better today. But it sounds like the findings were good, so hopefully it was worth it.

And so pleased to hear your DH stepped up. I think often men don't ask for flexibility at work out of fear of being seen differently. But that doesn't mean that can't, just that they're choosing not to. Glad he made a different choice this week.

Well really glad that the MRI scan results were good! Feel very relieved for you. And glad that DH is stepping up to the mark. Take it easy today in this heat and over the next few days. You do learn people's true colours in a crisis. I actually would cut people out if they didn't ask how things had gone. People were so kind to me when my husband was on life support. We nearly lost him so many times. It was horrendous. And he's still not fully recovered. And yet my sister didn't get in touch once. No message/card/anything. I didn't waste time stressing about it at the time. I didn't have the capacity. And I'm still not angry about it. Just entirely indifferent to her and others. Some people aren't worth wasting the energy on. You just focus on your own family and on yourself! X

P.s. I didn't want to sound dismissive re the results, which whilst must be a relief, it must still be stressful getting your head around the diagnosis. I hope that people around you are understanding of that!

Finally, if it's not hereditary, it may be worth checking your water pipes for lead if you're in a property 50+yrs old. Your water company can provide a testing kit if needed. You can also run your taps for 30seconds to reduce the amount of lead. We just had all of our pipes replaced, due to the risk.

You do cope and ypu are coping.
Maybe this has woken dh up.
Make sure he is clear on stepping up in next few weeks months years