AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

We had a similar situation when my ds1 was small and ds2 had an emergency admission as a newborn. I have never quite forgiven dh for putting work first and it led to the worst row in our 20 year marriage, after which he did improve quite a bit. But he has still needed a few sharp reminders about his priorities over the years. Ditto when I wanted to go back to work and needed him to flex his hours (which he did after first claiming it was totally impossible).

Some men are determined to give the best of themselves to their work and family get the leftovers. I'd suggest you work out right now where your boundaries lie wrt this and enforce them.

Has he always been so selfish OP? Not wanting to gloat or anything but my DH would drop work in an instant in these circumstances and his work would be completely understanding about this. Your health and wellbeing is important too - I was bloody knackered at 38 weeks and couldn't manage even the basics, let alone everything else you are doing

I wonder if your DH hiding behind work as a way to avoid any discussion about worries about your son, or is he in denial? If he can hide in his man-cave (i.e. at work) he won't have to deal with any emotional or difficult stuff will he?

I cannot stress enough how much his job is not at risk. He’s in finance - he is one of the team favourites/has managed to make deals happen during lockdown and absolutely going nowhere. It’s not even a concern of his.

Makes it less hard for me to understand. I’m pretty sure he isn’t allowed to come into the hospital WITH us as just one parent (although he needs to have blood tests done, as do I, as part of the testing, so he must be present for that anyway). But his father lives round the corner so I would have thought he could stay in the general vicinity in case something goes wrong (my son had an operation last year and a terrible reaction to the general anaesthetic so very worried).

Sounds like he's not taking your ds's problem seriously.

I can only assume he is either trying to keep his job, given the fragility of work due to cv19, and/or trying to pack in heaps of work before he takes paternity leave.

Is he a sales person? It's a week before end of quarter and every sales person I know is working 18 hour days, trying to retrieve something from this quarter.

On the hospital visit, book yourself a taxi, there and back. If you have to do the appointment on your own, have the best alternative support you can find. Sod the cost. Or get your mum/dad to take and collect you.

Good luck.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Excellent advice, thank you very much!

Hope your child Was/is ok. X

I clicked on YABU but since reading the update about the lift home I’ve changed my mind.

It was my original position because I’m also a SAHP and whilst my children’s medical conditions are entirely different, I do everything to manage our home life. I believe that should include everything to do with my eldest child’s condition, even when I was pregnant. My second child was also then diagnosed with a (different) condition and I still manage both by myself.
I do that because DH has a very senior role. Our original discussion around children was always that I would stay at home and he would focus on work (both wanted and agreed to this). He provides financial security for all of us without question and at the weekends he is 100% present and available.

That said, your DH not coming to pick up your child after the hospital visit, when he is wfh is not acceptable. What is his reasoning for this? If he was at an office location and had to leave early or take annual leave, I’d have more sympathy but that’s not the case here.

I'd send the messages back to him with a note saying, you not a parent anymore?
Can you take x date off for hospital, shouldn't have to remind you, but remember your track record.
Call him out everytime, don't be so passive with him.
He sounds like a right knob and this is your second child with him, oh dear.....

@Smallsteps88

If we didn’t need his blood tomorrow I would be petty and do this 100%. I am so angry

Lumbar punctures make you feel shit afterwards. DS needs collecting from hospital not traipsing round to find the car, not to mention your condition. Your husband is an arse.

Does he not care about your son? Did he want kids? I cannot fathom how uninterested he is when your son is so poorly. YANBU at all.

Please don't say his job is safe, none are.
I saw a whole level of middle management in finance made redundant in the 90's across the board.
They are the first to go as juniors can progress, be promoted and are cheaper.

If we didn’t need his blood tomorrow I would be petty and do this 100%. I am so angry

So tell him “your appointment is at X o’clock, we’ll see you there.”

Also if you were at work, youd probably be starting maternity leave now. Since your main 'job' is being a stay at home parent, he should be doing his best to pick up the slack so you can have a bit of time to relax and prepare for the birth. Not just expecting business as usual.

Has he been like this in other aspects of your relationship? Has the dynamic changed since you became a SAHP?

I would like to know why people think I am being unreasonable

You're not. Not one tiny bit. He is being an absolute fucking cunt to you right now.

I can understand why, logistically, it’s easier for you to handle the ongoing appointments, calls, etc. given he is still working.

I cannot understand why he’s not engaging in conversations about what is going on. Unless he’s struggling with his own emotions but, even then, to shut down any attempts is simply not facing up to the situation and is making it worse.

I can totally understand your frustrations and anger. How do you think he would respond to a letter from you where you can state your feelings, without interruption, and he has time to process it before responding?

He honestly just suggested to me it’s easier if he doesn’t pick us up from Hospital Wednesday evening but leaves the fucking car somewhere nearby

Easier for who? Not you or DS. I would go ballistic at that part. And I would be saying I will tell everyone we know you refused to even collect us from the hospital. I bet he wouldn't like that as he knows how shit he would look.

Awful lack of compassion from your DH. Id have a frank conversation with him, as the resentment could erode your relationship.

I work in finance too and it is really not an industry, overall, that welcomes work from home. Chances are he needs to be visible online all day / night to show he’s adding value - no matter how many deals he arranges / brokers. If not for Coronavirus he would probably be doing long hours in the office and you would be doing it all anyway - so I do think it’s unreasonable to suddenly expect him to change now. 4 weeks paternity leave is also really good (many men often just take the minimum) so it does show he’s willing to try.

As for your DS illness I do think he could take some of the calls for you. A 2 minute call between meetings won’t hurt anyone but as he won’t you should focus on your comfort. In your position I would just make arrangements that don’t rely on him. Book a taxi there and back no matter how expensive it is - for all appts / stays. If needed book yourself a hotel nearby for early morning appointments. Pay for childcare / a nanny / cleaner if available. Do you have anyone else willing to help with overnights? If yes I would also book myself a weekend away at a spa.

The leaving the car nearby thing just sounds like he doesn't love you...sorry. Once the baby is a few months old I'd be looking for a job so I could support myself when he leaves or better yet leave of my own accord.

The only thing I would say is I don't view phone calls and zoom appointments etc as stressful, pregnant or not. That said he needs to do half of everything outside of working hours. He won't though so your choices are put up with it or leave.

Your DH needs to step up.
I am sorry you are in this position.

My Ex was like this at first (but he was much younger). As he got older he took more of an interest in his DC health and education appointments. In fact he was a better father and 'partner' after we split. I think he just didn't think ?

I hope your DS is okay.

I agree with the others that your OH is being a total idiot, but his behaviour has all the classic signs of male "angst" when faced with (emotional/health) difficulties.
As for leaving the car somewhere, that really takes the biscuit.
If he cannot or will not collect you, would a taxi be an option? No lugging suitcases/dealing with late pregnancy and upset child. Collected from hospital and delivered to your door. Better still HE should come in the taxi and be available to lift suitcase/comfort son etc. What on earth is he thinking.
And, to echo what others have said, there is no job that is so vital as to prevent any parent taking time off for a family emergency, 99% of bosses and colleagues will be understanding and sympathetic.
Hope all goes well and you are able to get to the bottom of the issues with your son.

I cannot stress enough how much his job is not at risk. He’s in finance Please don't be so naive. Anyone's job could be at risk especially now. And it often happens to those who are complacent.

I haven’t voted, but I have a view on elements where I think YABU, and you have asked why people have voted that.

I don’t think it’s wrong that he’s forwarding everything to you - even small things. It’s easier if one person handles it, as that person I wouldn’t actually want some odd quick things picked up by the other person / as I’d feel I’d possibly lost the overall picture. I don’t think it’s wrong if he defaults to sending that to you. I do however think every day he should be asking you how it went, and news... so please don’t think I’m on his side! But he’s working, whilst you care for your son - it makes sense for you to deal with the appointment calls.

He’s in the wrong - but I’d stick to the main issues and not drag everything into it - because I don’t think he’s in the wrong on everything.

You really only have ONE room in the house with reliable WiFi? Why haven’t you got a signal booster?

YANBU

My DH is a senior doctor in a very busy, understaffed hospital. It seems like he is always working, and it's often life and death situations.

If something this serious came up involving the kids then he would find the time.

Sometimes I think that it can be easier for one person to deal with calls/appointments as they have it in their mind when other stuff is scheduled for.

But, having to fight to get help isn't on-especially when it is literally easier due to WIFI.

Not picking you up though.

I can't comprehend the nastiness behind that-to both you & your/his son.