AIBU to think DH should put our son before his job?!

[Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]

I can’t tell if I am being unreasonable. I’m just so upset/emotional and angry right now.

My son (almost 2) is unwell. We don’t know what’s causing it but he is having over a hundred mini spasms a day with his neck and his feet. As a result of this and the Paedatrician/neurologists we have spoken to insisting upon it,he is booked in for an MRI/lumbar puncture and EEG at the hospital tomorrow. I am 38 weeks pregnant so due any time now which is an added worry.

I’m a SAHM and DH is working from home. He is very busy and his job is demanding. Fine. Therefore I have done all the doctor appts and the driving/phone calls/zoom calls for all of this. DH participated in ONE call after huge dramas because his office has the best WiFi and phone signal in the house and I have had serious issues holding calls in other rooms. It was a huge struggle to get him to agree to this. That’s of course fine! And I will stay with DS in the hospital overnight because I want to be there with him.

BUT

DH is being such a useless sack of shit. He is just forwarding anything related to me to handle although I’m wrangling DS and it would be far easier for him to make the 2 minute calls from the comfort and quiet of his office.

Likewise I need to discuss various things with him eg practicalities around the last minute admission. He is no where to be found. He is “too busy”.

I feel unreasonable because his job is what puts food on the table; but equally he has not been involved in anything and snapping when I try to discuss anything with him. It’s extremely stressful managing this situation heavily pregnant without any support.

He's being an ass.

If he's normally not like this, I wonder if he is really much more upset than he is letting on and isn't able to cope, so he's trying to pretend it's not really happening?

Suggesting he leave the car somewhere is a dick move - are you avoiding the obvious taxi solution because of Covid19?
How does that even work?
How does he leave the car for you, and then go home himself?
Have I misunderstood that?
No need for a heavy suitcase though - just an overnight bag. Change of underwear for you, nappies for your son, what else is going into this suitcase?!

I hope it all goes well and they can help your son. At this point, arrange a taxi and cut your husband out. Decide what to do about him later, just get through this week.

Could he be emotionally distancing himself from it?

What s the plan for the birth?
What if you go into labour while,at ds appointment?
You don't need a huge suitcase .

Bless you OP this is all stress you don’t have to deal with right now

Tell him he HAS to pick you and your son up.

Don’t ask him, tell him. If he refuses, you then know he’s a useless sack of shit

Actually, I don’t understand why he’s forwarding things related to your son’s situation to you. What’s your forward? Why isn’t it coming to you in the first place? Honestly, if you’re agreed that you’re the one handling it - and it makes sense, he’s working long hours, you are the one observing your son, and you are the one who knows when you can attend hospital* - then why is stuff going to him?

*I think he should drop everything and you attend together, but I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with one parent doing it, just wouldn’t be my choice.

I do agree that I would usually want one person to deal with hospital appointments etc, simply because things often get missed if you split that job up.

Except - if you are about to have a baby, he needs to be keeping up on all of this. You are going to be out of it for at least a short time, and who knows, it could even be longer if it's a difficult birth in some way.

[quote Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]@carlottacoffee

Thank you. Yes, usually I accept work does come “first” in life. But I’m really struggling to understand how he can be so blasé about this. It feels like I’m carrying the practical and emotional weight of everything alone.[/quote]
You have a sick toddler going into hospital. Of course it doesn't!

Being a SAHM to a toddler means you do childcare and as much housework as possible while he works. It doesn't mean he can absolve all parental responsibility when your child is facing an overnight hospital trip with you as well. He won't pick you two up from the hospital? What?

Providing money does not mean he gets to ditch you both at hospital! Money is not the only thing that needs providing!

As soon as you go into labour your DH will have to stop work to be the available parent for your sick toddler.

When you have a newborn, DC1 has some kind of diagnosis and perhaps ongoing treatment plan and home care needs, your DH will likely lose a lot more time at work.

Before then it sounds like he's working every hour that comes to earn as much credit and forbearance from his employer as he possibly can.

I think you need to step back and consider that far from neglecting his responsibilities he's trying to keep his employer onside for all your sakes.

Just to answer a couple of points:

The only thing I would say is I don't view phone calls and zoom appointments etc as stressful, pregnant or not

They are, because DS is of an age/personality where he just goes ballistic if I’m on the phone. Lots of screaming and talking/wanting attention. If it isn’t happening during nap time it’s just a disaster. If I’m trying to have a detailed conversation with a neurologist about what she thinks my son needs, he needs to either supervise him with an iPad in his office, or do the call himself. I can’t do both.

Re his job and finances, I don’t want to sound smug or like an arsehole but we are very comfortable and there are no financial concerns. Even if he lost his job, which he won’t, we would be fine on savings for what amounts to years. I don’t think work is an excuse at all. He never ever takes time off (except 2 weeks after paternity), and these are exactly the situations time off is for.

He would usually be working long hours away from home, yes. But also I would expect him to take a day or two off for this, and be around to help me. And also he IS NOT at work. He’s here. He has time to come and make coffee for himself and sit on Instagram looking at memes, just not to help me.

Tbh this does remind me (drip feed but didn’t think of it until now) that after our son’s operation last year I was extremely upset and instead of calling me from work to talk, he said he was on calls all evening. He wasn’t. He was at fun drinks with colleagues. Ffs what a bellend.

@ellisandra

We have a signal booster. Maybe we were unlucky but I can’t go through another shouting/scary/Paedatrician call keeps hanging up and would rather be safe than sorry for these calls and know they will be fine.

I will probably just drive us there myself and he can sort his own transport out. Not sure if hospital has car park I could find out

@2bazookas

That’s a very, very good point. I just doubt DH has thought of it

Suggesting he leave the car somewhere is a dick move - are you avoiding the obvious taxi solution because of Covid19?
How does that even work?
How does he leave the car for you, and then go home himself? confused
Have I misunderstood that?

I don’t want to take a taxi Because it’s 1 hour away and I don’t want to be with a stranger I don’t know on the way to and from a very upsetting situation. Also because we have a car and both of us can drive! So I didn’t think it would be a problem at all for us to both go, him return home tomorrow evening and return wed evening to pick us up!

Rather than him dumping the car in central London (where?! How does that work?!) and getting a cab home and that’s it for him!

Is he normally a nice guy or a selfish twat? If he's normally a loving husband and dad it may be that he just can't cope with the emotion and this is his way of dealing it. It's totally unfair, and not right but what happens if you explain to him in simple terms what support you need from him right now- you shouldn't have to of course, but he may need to hear it.

Could some of the people who keep saying "his job could be at risk" please explain how leaving the car in the vicinity of the hospital on a Wednesday evening rather than actually picking the OP up and providing support would endanger his job? If he can drive there, he's not working.

As for "Finance don't like you working from home"- didn't the OP specifically state that her dp is working from home. How would the office know if a 2 minute phone call was for the hospital? Presumably he is allowed to take lavatory breaks, so surely could manage a phone call?

Also, if this young child is seriously ill with an unknown condition, is it really a good idea for his mum to book herself into a spa where she might well be exposed to contagion?

Tbh this does remind me (drip feed but didn’t think of it until now) that after our son’s operation last year I was extremely upset and instead of calling me from work to talk, he said he was on calls all evening. He wasn’t. He was at fun drinks with colleagues. Ffs what a bellend.

Well that screams selfish cunt

@corythatwas I agree! All the posts about his job and not being so naive about him losing it are a bit weird, not to mention the one who can't believe the wifi is that bad. Sometimes people purposely miss the point! I hope that after a few stern words that he sees the error or his ways OP, def nothing unreasonable coming from you!

YANBU at all and he is being an utter knobber.

MY husband also has a very important job and rarely takes time off. He dropped it like a flash last year when my daughter was admitted to hospital with an unidentified but clearly serious health issue. He didn't return to work for several days until we knew she was stable and she didn't need him to be there. And he's her stepdad!

Maybe he is emotionally
Compartmentalising. I’m just at my limit. It feels like I’m just doing EVERYTHING and getting 0 fucks. Not even popping his head out to ask for an update. Tried to explain earlier EEG is booked and I’m in overnight and basically got shooed out of his office.

I appreciate that if he is unwell going forward all appts etc would come
Under my umbrella but this is a one off, quite upsetting and scary time with the GA and the EEG and getting a diagnosis. Can’t he give us 1/2 days?

You husband is being an idiot. Can you get any other family member or friend to help? I hope so, and that your son gets the treatment he needs and your baby is born safely. Best wishes

If he's that high an earner, OP, I'm sure he's got the work kudos to take a short time off to drop off and collect his wife and sick child from hospital.

My experience is that mega high earners don't usually work much harder than care assistants (my point being that care assistants work extremely hard, but big shot megabucks finance people don't work "harder") and if his company can survive the pandemic, I'm sure it can survive him taking a bit of time out for his sick son. As he will have to do when you're recovering from childbirth or a section. He knows that, right?

[quote Hopefullynothingtoworryabout]@carlottacoffee

Thank you. Yes, usually I accept work does come “first” in life. But I’m really struggling to understand how he can be so blasé about this. It feels like I’m carrying the practical and emotional weight of everything alone.[/quote]
This is a bitter pill to swallow but your just not that important to him. I’ve finally realised this after two eptopics, struggling with PND after a bad C-section tear and various other shit situations.

My dh priority was
Work
Football
Kids
His family
Me.

Me last when it was me holding everything together - which I bet you are doing right now. Just because he brings money in doesn’t mean he is the most important person in the family - which I think some men believe.

I dont know if it’s because we are so good at managing they forget that we are actually human beings who need support or they actually don’t give a shit. For me I think it was the latter. But I refuse to ever let that happen again.

I think your dh is compartmentalising and your child’s illness is now your issue to sort out. Which is cold and thoughtless no matter how busy he is.

You must be worried to death and I really hope your little one is ok.

The only advice I can give is for you to start realising where you stand in this family and either seek to proactively change the dynamics or leave. I’ve left because he wouldn’t change

Also, if this young child is seriously ill with an unknown condition, is it really a good idea for his mum to book herself into a spa where she might well be exposed to contagion?

I am obviously in no way going to abandon my sick child to go to a spa!

Some of these comments are missing the point, yes.

Yes, my WiFi is shit. Yes my DH is working from home. Yes, I am as confident (as he is) as can be that his job is fine.

It’s all irrelevant really. The point is my child has to go to hospital for what are objectively unpleasant and scary tests, and my husband can’t give me the time of day to discuss it/actually suggested dumping the car near the hospital and us getting ourselves home after.

@MashedPotatoBrainz

Sounds like a wonderful father, step or not!

@Hopefullynothingtoworryabout

Also, if this young child is seriously ill with an unknown condition, is it really a good idea for his mum to book herself into a spa where she might well be exposed to contagion?

I am obviously in no way going to abandon my sick child to go to a spa!

Some of these comments are missing the point, yes.

Yes, my WiFi is shit. Yes my DH is working from home. Yes, I am as confident (as he is) as can be that his job is fine.

It’s all irrelevant really. The point is my child has to go to hospital for what are objectively unpleasant and scary tests, and my husband can’t give me the time of day to discuss it/actually suggested dumping the car near the hospital and us getting ourselves home after.

Well, OP, it sounds as though money is the only thing he provides and you could still have that with him gone. Just saying. I've been dirt poor in the past, so I don't subscribe to any romantic notion about money not mattering or not being very very nice to have, but there do remain a few things it can't buy, and won't improve.

He's not going to get better with TWO kids.

OP, he reminds me a bit of my brother from what you’ve said. He, too, is and always has been incredibly driven career wise to the point of obsession. When his first child was born, he was offered a different role within his company that was at the same level but involved significantly less overseas travel. He didn’t take it because he was concerned it would harm his longer term prospects. He earns an awful lot of money and he and his family are seriously financially comfortable.

His wife, my SIL, has always known this about him. She was really upset when he made the decision re the different job. They have gone on to have two more children and she is constantly surprised that he is unable, or unwilling, to prioritise his family over work - not because he can’t necessarily, but because he won’t. I’ve seen her in tears over it and while I sympathise I do feel like saying - this is the life and the man you’ve chosen to have three kids with. As far as he is concerned, the children and the household are your responsibility and the breadwinning is his and never the Twain shall meet.

Your DH is making his stance very clear now. You know where you and your family are in his pecking order. My suspicion is that will never change. The question is whether you are prepared to put up with it. If not, then you need to consider your future.