Not to tell stranger where DD goes to nursery

[LG93]

I was queuing to return some shoes in the supermarket yesterday, there was a woman in front of me presumably returning everything she's ever owned by the length of time she was there. While the man on the till went out the back to sort the paperwork DD (18months) who was in her buggy started waving at the lady in front and shouting Hiya at her. She turned around and was chatting to me, we had a civil conversation. I suffer with anxiety so not really one for chatting to strangers but have tried to make more of an effort in lockdown having seen how pleased people are to see dd if they're alone/missing family.

She asked how I was finding working with her at home (not that I'd said I worked at home, a lucky guess) and I said it was a challenge but at least nurseries had reopened. She asked which one she went to and I vaguely said one in next village over, which is true however it has 4 nurseries/preschools so not too identifying. She kept pushing as to which one, so I politely said 'Sorry, I don't really feel comfortable sharing that information with strangers'

Her tone changed and she asked me what I thought she would do with that information. I explained it wasn't personal but it's not information we shared. She huffed that it's 'all over your social media no doubt' (it's not, I very rarely post any photos of her at all on social media and certainly don't identify her nursery etc) and she just wondered if it was the same as her granddaughter but to 'suit myself' and turned around. The man came back shortly after and she gave me a bit of a scowl as she left but didn't say anything else.

Wibu? I'm sure she meant no harm by her question but I obviously have no way of identifying who may or may not be so simply don't share that information with people who don't need it, but her reaction made me wonder if I'm being overly anxious?!

@40hello and if someone was evasive answering your question would you accept their generalised answer or would you press them for the information and make a scene when they refused to give it to you?

People are allowed to have their own boundaries, even if they don’t make sense to you.

TowelHoarder - honestly if they were being evasive I’d think it odd but I wouldn’t push it - I would stop talking altogether, because that’s uncomfortable for everyone.

But it doesn’t sound like the woman made a scene, she was offended at the suggestion that she was a paedophile or something.

This thread is full of the same people who think they’re going to drop dead of covid if they step out of their door ..... risk assessment gone mad!

@D4rwin

YANBU and I encourage my children to 'generalise' their uniform as much as possible if we are forced to go somewhere public after/ before school. Which means, coat over or badge obscured. I much prefer summer as they're generally only needing to remove tie/ blazer to pass by without drawing 'oh you must be in so and so's year/ what do you think of teacher X etc. It's the sort of info I don't put on social media as I leave that up to them when their older to share/ not. She was pushy/ nosy no doubt has 'opinions' about the different nurseries that she'd be judgy about, or else, why ask?!

Surely you've got to be joking or are you in some kind of witness protection scheme, your poor children growing up with that level of paranoia.

Forced to go out in public?

@40hello exactly, that’s totally normal, if she’d just accepted the op saying the general area of the nursery then she wouldn’t have got to that stage.

There have been times when I’ve been out with DD and people have started chatting to me and I’ve just thought maybe I don’t like the look of them or I’ve got something else on my mind and I don’t want to be compelled to talk to them just because they fancy a chat.

It’s just an example of what could happen. The Algarve was full of children too but the guy selected that particular child for reasons only known to him.

I’m not a paranoid person and I don’t mean to suggest that anybody should live in fear of these things happening. I did say upthread that I probably would have just told the woman the truth as in all likelihood she wasn’t a thread. But someone asked what could happen and I answered.

Threat, not thread! Stupid autocorrect!

She sounds weird. A tip I learned as a parent is to deflect this sort of thing into questions about them. Oh do you have kids/grandkids? Usually they say yes or mention a niece or a neighbours kid. Then ask lots of follow up questions about what ages/favourite stages/careers/hobbies those children have or share a not particularly personal story about your child eg a tv program they like. Talk a lot and ask lots of questions and smile. Obviously you don’t have to do any of that but I find it less stressful than answering lots of questions myself.

That’s fair enough when you get a bad vibe, TowelHoarder. I would find a polite way to deflect if I did too. I’d probably lie though, because I wouldn’t want to provoke someone who gave me a funny feeling.

(But I hadn’t read into the OP’s initial post that the woman gave her the heebeegeebees. Just that she didn’t trust the question from anyone she didn’t know.)

It’s just an example of what could happen. The Algarve was full of children too but the guy selected that particular child for reasons only known to him.

Oh fucking hell stop trying to use the high profile missing child case to support not telling some woman making small talk which nursery a kid is at. Unless OP child sleeps alone at said nursery every bloody night then there is literally no comparison.

I would have been like you.

I wouldn't have said.

Oh well, let her get lost. It's not your problem.

Have a lovely night

Well, the man in the Algarve presumably selected that particular child because she was left alone in an unlocked room.

I doubt the granny in Primark is going to go stealthily into the OP's garden.

If she ever sees her again she'll just think "there',s that weirdo who refused to tell me what nursery the kid went to when I was helping our Brenda look for one"

And tbf, the paedophiles on every corner posters (this morning when I posted on it) seemed to think it was all men in dirty macs on park benches rather than, y'know, Grandad or Uncle Bob. Which statistically it's about 98% more likely to be.

@ohoneohtwo That’s not what I said and you know it but I guess you’re just one of those people on Mumsnet who needs to turn everything into an argument so I’ll leave you to it.

To all the people saying this woman is over reacting nurseries have to have strict rules in place because things like this do happen person hears a child’s name when out and knows the nursery they go to Turn up and setting to try and collect the child. In my option she did the exact thing and this is also why I am strongly against personalised items such as bags and any pictures in nursery\ school uniform it’s a scary world and you don’t know who you can trust.

Sounds like she just wanted to know if you knew her granddaughter who goes to nursery in the same area.Maybe thought they could be playmates at the same place?what a sad world we live in.Maybe it’s where you live but this is the sort of everyday conversation that goes on around me everyday!

To all the people saying this woman is over reacting nurseries have to have strict rules in place because things like this do happen person hears a child’s name when out and knows the nursery they go to Turn up and setting to try and collect the child.

Christ.

Nurseries don't have named people who are able to collect a child in case someone who spoke to little 'Ellie' in Tesco rocks up at the nursery.

@ohoneohtwo actually that’s exactly one of the reasons anyone who knows where a child goes to nursery and their name has the potential to try and take said child hence password and other strict procedures. I am not saying this lady was going to do that or that it happens everyday but trust me it happens and the OP did the right thing to keep her child safe

@Dspx

The vast majority of cases that led to such measures involved family members and people known to the child, not a random lady who spoke to them in Tesco. OP would not have been putting her child in danger by naming a nursery.

Wow. Has a chance conversation in Tesco ever led to attempted child abduction? Can anyone actually find an example of that.

MM is a ridiculous example - she was left in an unlocked apartment every evening, obviously she was pretty vulnerable.

I don't think you have to make conversation with strangers if you don't want to and they should judge your signals but I also think that thinking that a random person knowing where your child goes to nursery or school is a massive security risk is a bit OTT

So asking what nursery the child attended, some people think the child becomes a "target", by a one off three minute meeting?

You do realise that nursery's are full of children, very easy to locate and anyone who wants to target a child could do so.

You honestly think that this woman was going to target this one specific child in a nursery full of children, for what reason?

I mean log it with the nursery, ask them to have a one to one career for the child because a woman in the queue in Tesco's enquired where she attended nursery, it's a well known ploy and that's why they buy stuff they don't need in tescos, an excuse for returning it and hoping a child is behind them and they can strike up a conversation.

The person calling the woman insane......... it's not her that's insane by any means.

To all the people saying this woman is over reacting nurseries have to have strict rules in place because things like this do happen person hears a child’s name when out and knows the nursery they go to Turn up and setting to try and collect the child.

I'm not sure that's the reason............... I mean in all honesty you could turn up at a nursery and ask for "whatever is the most common name at the time" and assume at least one child is called that name?

Jeez, the world has gone mad!

@Settlersofcatan I've not read the FF, but I assume from your post that someone had been ridiculous enough to liken this to MM? Did Kate or Gerry shop in the village shop and divulge information like where M went to school, or did they repeatedly leave her alone, same time, same place with an unlocked door and no nursery teachers?

Like you say ridiculous comparison.

I'm not sure that's the reason............... I mean in all honesty you could turn up at a nursery and ask for "whatever is the most common name at the time" and assume at least one child is called that name?*

Well, exactly. Every nursery in the country must have an Ava. Ours has 3!