Not to tell stranger where DD goes to nursery

[LG93]

I was queuing to return some shoes in the supermarket yesterday, there was a woman in front of me presumably returning everything she's ever owned by the length of time she was there. While the man on the till went out the back to sort the paperwork DD (18months) who was in her buggy started waving at the lady in front and shouting Hiya at her. She turned around and was chatting to me, we had a civil conversation. I suffer with anxiety so not really one for chatting to strangers but have tried to make more of an effort in lockdown having seen how pleased people are to see dd if they're alone/missing family.

She asked how I was finding working with her at home (not that I'd said I worked at home, a lucky guess) and I said it was a challenge but at least nurseries had reopened. She asked which one she went to and I vaguely said one in next village over, which is true however it has 4 nurseries/preschools so not too identifying. She kept pushing as to which one, so I politely said 'Sorry, I don't really feel comfortable sharing that information with strangers'

Her tone changed and she asked me what I thought she would do with that information. I explained it wasn't personal but it's not information we shared. She huffed that it's 'all over your social media no doubt' (it's not, I very rarely post any photos of her at all on social media and certainly don't identify her nursery etc) and she just wondered if it was the same as her granddaughter but to 'suit myself' and turned around. The man came back shortly after and she gave me a bit of a scowl as she left but didn't say anything else.

Wibu? I'm sure she meant no harm by her question but I obviously have no way of identifying who may or may not be so simply don't share that information with people who don't need it, but her reaction made me wonder if I'm being overly anxious?!

Sorry OP but I'd have thought you were pretty odd in refusing to mention where your DD went to nursery, if I was simply making conversation. Do you honestly think she's going to use the information for some sinister reason? She was trying to forge some common links with you - you mentioned the nursery in the first place.

I wouldn't want to raise a child to be so suspicious of everyone and immediately think the worst of people.

No, it's better to understand risk a bit better. The risk of telling a stranger your baby's name/nursery is not in the same ballpark as telling a stranger your house will be empty for two weeks.
No comparison at all

YANBU and I encourage my children to 'generalise' their uniform as much as possible if we are forced to go somewhere public after/ before school.
Which means, coat over or badge obscured. I much prefer summer as they're generally only needing to remove tie/ blazer to pass by without drawing 'oh you must be in so and so's year/ what do you think of teacher X etc.

It's the sort of info I don't put on social media as I leave that up to them when their older to share/ not.

She was pushy/ nosy no doubt has 'opinions' about the different nurseries that she'd be judgy about, or else, why ask?!

Going against the majority here, I think you were incredibly rude.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's up to you who you choose to share information with but it sounds like the woman was just making conversation and being friendly so you were being unreasonable and quite rude to embarras her like that. I bet she won't bother to chat to people again.
Imo you really could have handled it better.

YANBU totally your decision if you want to share this... but I think this a huge overreaction! Unless you or your family are in the public eye or in the secret services then what on earth could someone do with this information. Nurseries have strict processes for signing out children etc so very unlikely the woman could or would come and kidnap your child. In my area we regularly have small talk and I wouldn’t think twice about mentioning which nursery my DD went too, in fact I often recommend it as it’s a fab nursery and when choosing her nursery I was very interested in hearing people’s opinions.

I find it bizarre that so many people think the op was rude and not being friendly, the way I see it if you ask a stranger for information that you have no real need for, and they are evasive, then it is rude and unfriendly to continue to push for the information and back them into a corner where they either have to tell you something they clearly don’t want to (for whatever reason) or outright tell you they don’t want to give you the information. She could have easily just changed the subject.

No wonder there's a bit problem with anxiety and mental health in children. They're being brought up to be fearful about everything. And seeing their parents fear everything.

I wasn't a remotely casual parent. I was very aware of safety issues. But when three-quarters of MNers think it's dangerous to tell someone where your (unnamed) child goes to nursery, we've entered paranoia territory as a country. Poor kids.

Thanks everyone. I genuinely wanted to hear both sides of the coin as I'm aware my anxiety can warp my thinking and logic, I've come a long way thanks to my medication and CBT but I know I've got a way to go yet.

Realistically I don't really know what I thought she could or would do with the information, I think it just caught me off guard and I'm aware that every September social media posts do the rounds about not uploading first day of school photos with uniform logos visible so assumed I shouldn't say. It probably would have been easier for all involved to have lied but short of sitting in silence for a minute while my brain went through that thought process I went with the first thing my brain threw out.

I guess the conclusion from these responses is that I wasn't unreasonable not to want to tell her, but equally she wasn't unreasonable to ask. We probably both could have handled things better/differently (she could have dropped it, I could have just lied to make conversation) I shall file in my brain under 'how to do better in social situations'

On the plus side, I didn't have a panic attack and I didn't have any premonitions of hideous car crashes, so surprisingly a more successful trip than normal! 🤷

I understand why you didn't want to tell her but I also think it is very sad.

She was just making conversation, lots of people ask about schools and nursery. It’s the sort of thing I would say to be friendly

I disagree. If this was the case and it was casual and friendly then she wont mind if OP doesnt feel comfortable answering will she? but thats not what happened- OP drew a boundary regarding her private info which she is perfectly entitled to do and the woman got huffy and rude. Thats NOT being "friendly". You have to accept that strangers arent obliged to know your personal information. You can ask- but they dont have to answer and the more intrusive the questions, the more you should expect people to not answer.

If you want to be friendly to strangers then talk about innocuous topics like the weather etc- that way you wont risk making others feel that they have to enforce boundaries to protect themselves and then noone will end up getting huffy. It really is that simple.

@LG93 that was very gracious! I think people are more chatty in lockdown, they want a human connection.

This thread has cast a scary insight into the years ahead,
A complete inability to carry out a dynamic risk assessment, respond to real people just trying to connect, making someone feel embarrassed just for attempting to interact with a youngish mum and a noisy child.
And this is a current real issue.
www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/

I can't see any problem, school children wear uniform proudly displaying the name of their school.
op i fear you are being paranoid

On another thread people have been pointing out that there are paedophiles everywhere. I’m not saying this woman was one of them - I very much doubt it! But we know that the MM suspect watched the family for several days before acting. I don’t want to imagine horrible things but a stranger could take information like the name of the nursery and start watching the family, learning their routines, looking for opportunities. Maybe not the old lady but maybe someone who overheard the conversation. Obviously the chances of something like that happening are low so it’s not worth getting overly anxious about but to say it never happens is a bit naive. People have had different experiences and for that reason some of us are more cautious than others.

She sounds a bit pushy and rude but how do you think it works when a child wears a school uniform that identifies the school they go to?

I'm not sure that this information is really something that can be kept from strangers.

I'm glad I read this.. silly me might have given nursery name away. Now I will remember not to if this ever happens to me!

[quote Timetospare]This thread has cast a scary insight into the years ahead,
A complete inability to carry out a dynamic risk assessment, respond to real people just trying to connect, making someone feel embarrassed just for attempting to interact with a youngish mum and a noisy child.
And this is a current real issue.
www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/[/quote]
Yep. For older people, connecting cheerily with a child and a mother when out shopping is one of the few natural interactions left to them. I know it was one of my MIL's small pleasures when she lived alone. If they can no longer pass the time of day in that way, and are instead made to feel embarrassed and treated with suspicion - well we all have very lonely old ages to come.

For all the people telling OP she's being unreasonable and strangers are "just being friendly"- if thats the case, why not use your real name on MN? After all, its just friendly strangers isnt it? whats the big deal- strangers are harmless right?!

She was BU, what a weirdo!

For all the people telling OP she's being unreasonable and strangers are "just being friendly"- if thats the case, why not use your real name on MN? After all, its just friendly strangers isnt it? whats the big deal- strangers are harmless right?!

It's not really a comparable situation but tbh with you Mumsnet is the only forum I have ever used where I haven't been transparent about who I am. My original user name was the name I use for everything and does start with my forename. It wasn't until I had been here a while I realised everyone was very secretive.

What saraclara said.
Brilliant post.

@WorraLiberty

Neighbours might've turned up, armed with a lasagne.

YABU. Some of the responses saying you’re not are completely over the top and quite depressing!

I ask other mothers all the time where their child goes to nursery (when the “x goes to nursery” line is said), because I’m curious to know if they go to the same one as my kid goes to / or their sibling went to. It’s finding a common ground and making conversation. No one had ever acted like I’m being invasive, and I’ve also been asked by other mothers I don’t know countless times which nursery my kid goes, which school the older goes to, etc etc.

People want to be friendly and part of a community.

On another thread people have been pointing out that there are paedophiles everywhere. I’m not saying this woman was one of them - I very much doubt it! But we know that the MM suspect watched the family for several days before acting. I don’t want to imagine horrible things but a stranger could take information like the name of the nursery and start watching the family, learning their routines, looking for opportunities. Maybe not the old lady but maybe someone who overheard the conversation. Obviously the chances of something like that happening are low so it’s not worth getting overly anxious about but to say it never happens is a bit naive.

Well you know, nurseries are full of children. A paedophile doesn't need to overhear a conversation in bloody Tesco to start 'watching a family'