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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that actually, there probably is a paedophile on every corner?

367 replies

MrsToadofToadHall · 17/06/2020 12:59

When I first became a parent, back in the 2000s, I tended to think that some other parents were quite irrational about their fears regarding paedophiles. There seemed to be quite a lot of hysteria about child abductions whipped up in the tabloids, quite a few of the mums I knew looked very suspiciously on men who worked or volunteered with children, and I tended to think that although paedophiles unfortunately existed, they were in the minority and we shouldn't raise our children to be suspicious of every man just because he was a man, nor should we limit their independence due to fear of something that was very unlikely to happen. I suppose I was a bit "cool mum" and proud of my ability to rationalise and see through hysteria

In recent years, I've come to think that I was wrong. So many famous and prominent people have been exposed as having abused children and teenagers. Although I have always supported a certain level of sex ed in schools, elements of this have gone beyond a level I'm comfortable with. It seems to me to be more acceptable to expose children to sexual/adult issues at an earlier age. As well as this, recent revelations in my own fairly small community have caused me to reconsider - a teenager who abused younger relatives, it was brought to the attention of police and SS but in the end, all that could be done was refer him for optional counselling. Three or four men have been found out as they attempted to groom very young girls, some primary aged, via social media. Friends have also confided in me regarding their own childhood abuse. I know most of these men, and while I realise that abusers don't come with a big sticker on their forehead, most of them really were spectacularly ordinary and had wives and children

Obviously I still realise that the vast majority of men are fine, but my point is, I thought paedophiles were a few lone individuals, and now it seems there are far more of them about than I ever would have realised.

Does that make sense? Confused

OP posts:
Wigglegiggle0520 · 17/06/2020 13:00

YANBU. Not just men and not just adults.

MrsToadofToadHall · 17/06/2020 13:04

*disclaimer that yes I know not all paedophiles are men and namalt, my point is that there really are a lot more of them about than I realised

OP posts:
mindutopia · 17/06/2020 13:07

I absolutely agree with you. I've discovered two in my close family (who don't really know each other - totally separate parts of the family, but close to both dh and I). And these were the ones who were caught, prosecuted, found guilty and sentenced. Surely, that must be about 2%? They are also perceived as generally nice people, 'upstanding citizens' absolutely nothing obvious red flag-y about them, other than perhaps being a little bit eccentric. Both were people I trusted around my children (incidentally in both instances, other family members lied to keep the secret about what they did so that we wouldn't stop them being around our dc - our dc are fine, thankfully). It completely shattered my sense of my ability to keep my dc safe. If I could have been bamboozled, not once, but twice and dh and I also lied to by pretty much every other close family member we had, who the hell can you trust?! And who else is out there who wouldn't get flagged up in a criminal records search because they have never been caught?

TheQueef · 17/06/2020 13:07

Watchign the MM coverage it really struck me how many sex offenders (known) were in that area at that time.
Who knows if they were always there or modern communication has grown their community (can't think of a better description) but I do believe now they have easier routes to child abuse it's escalated.

MrsToadofToadHall · 17/06/2020 13:12

Yes, the MM coversheet really has made me think too. And yes to the family members who will protect and cover for family members at the expense of the safety of child relatives. I've seen that in action and it blindsided me. It's almost like they're willing to offer up children they know and love as future sacrificial victims in order to keep the peace. It's no secret that sexual abuse is going to cause massive trauma and distress to the child, probably for the rest of their life, yet in the case I saw Granny was still merrily suggesting Uncle Bill as a babysitter even though she knew exactly what he'd been up to.

OP posts:
MrsToadofToadHall · 17/06/2020 13:12

Coverage not coversheet

OP posts:
madamim · 17/06/2020 13:13

Paedophiles very rarely tend to be lone wolves, if you find 1 there will be more. Due to being hidden, they rely on being part of a network. My advice is if a situation feels unsafe then stop. My child has only had social media for the past year, it is private from others and also monitored. We've also had conversations about this do she understands why. It is your responsibility to keep your child safe, not others

NotNowPlzz · 17/06/2020 13:16

YANBU. I think it is much more common than wed ever care to believe. Sad

poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:17

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ComDummings · 17/06/2020 13:17

YANBU, some people might like to think it’s rare but they’re everywhere.

madamim · 17/06/2020 13:17

also child abuse, whether people want to admit it or not is the biggest currency in the world. There's a documentary called Paedophiles in Parliament, also Sonia Poulton, Jon Wedger and Shaun Attwood look at this extensively

lemmein · 17/06/2020 13:19

In my small circle of friends all have been abused as children, and none have disclosed their abuse - most within the family, with one being a family 'friend'. I do work in a field though that attracts (for want of a better word) people who have had struggles themselves so that could explain why it seems so common amongst my friendship groups.

What I find worrying, is that none of my friends parents know about their abuse, even though they mostly have close relationships -that does make me paranoid that my own children may experience it and I'd never know 😕

Tiktokgone · 17/06/2020 13:19

I'm sure in a documentery I watched it said at any given time there are 100,000 house holds downloading child pornography in the UK. that made me feel sick.

poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:21

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EmeraldShamrock · 17/06/2020 13:22

Easily if not more.

megletthesecond · 17/06/2020 13:23

Gosh, yes. I agree.

EverdeRose · 17/06/2020 13:23

I completely agree with this.
It's a sad state of affairs but I feel like the amount of people you can truly trust is tiny.
I don't know if modern times and easy access to child pornography make it worse or if it's always been this way but previously was kept quiet about.

I know when our baby is born we will be extremely selective about who will be trusted.

poisson428 · 17/06/2020 13:23

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EmeraldShamrock · 17/06/2020 13:25

@poisson428 What?

Pineapple1 · 17/06/2020 13:27

What's with the spam bots???

megletthesecond · 17/06/2020 13:29

I've reported him. Don't click on them just in case.

ChangeThePassword · 17/06/2020 13:29

@poisson428 just buy it anyway and stop spamming the place with affiliate links

TheQueef · 17/06/2020 13:36

There is one in our family.
Not exactly a paedophile, his victim was 14.
Caught, convicted and sentence suspended and spent but only two years on the register.
He was rehoused in to a flat by probation but over the years the other flats around him have changed and now have families living there so in his block of six flats there are now 9 children.
If his neighbours knew there would be trouble.

LastTrainEast · 17/06/2020 13:38

"Although I have always supported a certain level of sex ed in schools, elements of this have gone beyond a level I'm comfortable with"

Just on that point there is a reason for that. It's not much use telling a 14yo where babies come from when they have been encountering extreme porn from age 7 on the internet. If you can't prevent that (and it seems we can't) then you have to get in first with the accurate information before they learn that sex is about violence and coercion . If we can educate them properly in the first place maybe fewer will grow up to be abusers.

TorkTorkBam · 17/06/2020 13:40

@Tiktokgone

I'm sure in a documentery I watched it said at any given time there are 100,000 house holds downloading child pornography in the UK. that made me feel sick.
There is no such thing as child pornography.

You mean photos and videos of sexual abuse of children.