To think that actually, there probably is a paedophile on every corner?

[MrsToadofToadHall]

When I first became a parent, back in the 2000s, I tended to think that some other parents were quite irrational about their fears regarding paedophiles. There seemed to be quite a lot of hysteria about child abductions whipped up in the tabloids, quite a few of the mums I knew looked very suspiciously on men who worked or volunteered with children, and I tended to think that although paedophiles unfortunately existed, they were in the minority and we shouldn't raise our children to be suspicious of every man just because he was a man, nor should we limit their independence due to fear of something that was very unlikely to happen. I suppose I was a bit "cool mum" and proud of my ability to rationalise and see through hysteria

In recent years, I've come to think that I was wrong. So many famous and prominent people have been exposed as having abused children and teenagers. Although I have always supported a certain level of sex ed in schools, elements of this have gone beyond a level I'm comfortable with. It seems to me to be more acceptable to expose children to sexual/adult issues at an earlier age. As well as this, recent revelations in my own fairly small community have caused me to reconsider - a teenager who abused younger relatives, it was brought to the attention of police and SS but in the end, all that could be done was refer him for optional counselling. Three or four men have been found out as they attempted to groom very young girls, some primary aged, via social media. Friends have also confided in me regarding their own childhood abuse. I know most of these men, and while I realise that abusers don't come with a big sticker on their forehead, most of them really were spectacularly ordinary and had wives and children

Obviously I still realise that the vast majority of men are fine, but my point is, I thought paedophiles were a few lone individuals, and now it seems there are far more of them about than I ever would have realised.

Does that make sense?

[[https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.news.com.au/national/could-you-spot-a-paedophile-here-are-the-warning-signs/news-story/a0502e8c3edd265972204ce6fb435982]] is interesting

That didn’t work!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.news.com.au/national/could-you-spot-a-paedophile-here-are-the-warning-signs/news-story/a0502e8c3edd265972204ce6fb435982

You are right there really is one of every corner but you won't see him there in real; life. He/she will be hanging out at family parties, babysitting, a friend or family relative, they will come in the form of the sports coach or a friendly neighbour. They don't generally come with a label, and so look incredibly average most of the time (I work in related industry)

If all parents were to keep this at the very forefront of their minds then the abuse of children would be greatly diminished. It takes a matter of minutes to abuse a child, a shocking number happen when the parents are present. It has certainly shaped the way I raise my dc put it that way.

I have taught my children, from tiny, a song called: My Body:

My body’s nobody’s body but mine!
You run your own body, let me run mine!

My nose was made to sniff and to sneeze
To smell what I want, and to pick when I please!
[or  –  To smell what I want, and to blow when I please!]

My lungs were made to hold air when I breathe,
I am in charge of just how much I need!

My legs were made to dance me around
To walk and to run and to jump up and down!

My mouth was made to blow-up a balloon
I can eat, kiss and spit, I can whistle a tune!
[or  –  I can eat, kiss and sing, I can whistle a tune!]

No one knows my body better than me
It tells me, “Let’s eat!”, it tells me “Go pee!”

Don’t hit me or kick me, don’t push or shove
Don’t hug me too hard when you show me your love

Sometimes it’s hard to say “No!” and be strong
When those” No!” feelings come, then I know something’s wrong

‘Cause My body’s mine from my head to my toe
Please leave it alone when you hear me say “No!”

Secrets are fun when they’re filled with surprise
But not when they hurt us with tricks, threats and lies

Our body’s one body, one voice is heard
We each sing for freedom when we sing these words

Written by Peter Alsop, ©1983, Moose School Music (BMI)
(additional lyrics by Green Thumb Theatre)

I also taught them the correct names for their body parts so they could describe them accurately to an adult if they needed to.
I have told them to trust their bodies. Trust if they feel wonky /unsure /okay at the time but not later. Tell someone. Anyone. Keep telling.

I have professional experience of working with adult survivors of CSA.
It's grim.

When I think back about the attention that I received from adult men when I was a young teenager I think it’s more prevalent than we want to admit as a society. So not technically a paedophile but still I was a child I was sexually attractive to a number of men

There are many, are they on every street corner well maybe those that are known or are offenders maybe not but a number around for me enough to be wary

And more concerning is he grooming online

@User1775836552

This has stuck in my mind since the day I read it
www.theguardian.com/global/2016/jul/10/the-solace-of-revenge-how-i-plotted-to-my-childhood-abuser

Well yes, I think it’s obvious really. There’s so much child sexual abuse happening it’s hard to even comprehend the scale of the problem. There are also a great many more men, and yes it is overwhelmingly men, who would if they could get away with it. I wonder how many blokes settle down for a wank in front of their computer to images of under aged girls on screen? Not just the illegal horror stories of child abuse on the dark web, I’m talking mainstream porno sites here, one that try to create a wholesome respectable image. If even the most suspicious of us had even an inkling of the extent of the problem we’d probably throw up with the shock.

As well as all those you hear about after they get caught you have to also assume that

a) there are others doing the same things who have NOT been caught
b) there are yet more with the same thoughts/feeling but who do not do those illegal things or who have not yet done any illegal things.

Another thing that makes me think on how commonplace it is, is that CSA happens worldwide and throughout history. It has happened literally everywhere you can think of, from ancient societies where kids were married off at age 6, to isolated island communities (Pitcairn 2004) where a third of the male population were found to involved, in major metropolises and closed-off tribes in South America, regardless of time and place, it's a major problem. That wouldn't be true if it was just a few bad apples.

Sorry guys... whats the MM coverage?

I think I don't judge people but situations. I can't tell if a person is an abuser but I can tell if a situation leaves my DC open to abuse, however unlikely. It's all I have to go on really.
As PP said, it's not leaving them alone with someone. Restricting access is about all we've got.

Sorry don't know how to delete my question... I've woken up now!

Reading this thread has relieved my mind somewhat. Thank you for sharing your stories.

I have had so many people tell me that I am being 'to strict' in saying no to sleepovers at people's places who have not been very long term friends. And actually friends not just acquaintances. I am happy to have kids here and frankly have been so surprised at how many parents agree to this without knowing us at all?????

I also would not let my daughter go off with a friend to go shopping until about now as she is 14, very sensible and quite tall. However, I always check which friends she is with, even now. And she does this rarely anyway as she is so introverted.

Even now though, I will not allow her to stay with her best friend as we do not have any relationship with the parents apart from a casual 'hello' and they have an older daughter and much older son still living at home. We don't know these siblings at all and who knows who these siblings could bring home. It is hard to say no, but we do allow her to go over and we simply pick her up rather than letting the sleepover happen.

I have had a sibling's FIL who was suspected for a long time and gossip was there were a number of victims, but then he raped my sibling's child as well. No police action, ever. He was a pillar of the local rural community. I also have a nephew who married someone who was raped by people in her family (yes, more than one person) and so were her sisters. I have also had friends raped. The thing that strikes me, is that each and every one of those girls have grown up with significant (sometimes debilitating) health issues caused by anxiety and severe stress. And that NONE of these men were ever prosecuted. And that is not something that is never acknowledged by those telling me I am too 'strict'.

Also, these incidences happened back before the times of unloading images on line for sharing or even just for cyber-bullying (the bullying is something my daughter has seen enough of now to realise that it is good to be cautious in who you do meet up with).

Thank you again for sharing your stories. There are so many brave women on this thread.

In my home town there was a bit of a CSA scandal involving an organisation which dealt with children. A colleague of mine was involved in the safeguarding side and was told by the police that around 1 in 400 men are paedophiles. I think it's probably a lot more than that to be honest.

I was sexually abused as a child, but thankfully it was an isolated incident by a neighbour. My mother wouldn't believe me, so nothing was done about it. I was 8 years old. From that point on my trust in men was rocked and I was always on my guard...always have been.

Yes, it has been pointed out that some abusers are women and children, but they are predominantly men! Many of whom stay under the radar and get away with it by being so ordinary and not being caught.

Sadly I think this is true. I work in mental health and so often meet individuals who have experienced sexual abuse as children. And I've often encountered an individual who when they do speak out, are shunned by family, who just refuse to believe it. The perpetrator is so often the last person imaginable for them. It's much more common than most believe, but of course most survivors don't openly discuss this experience with others. I'm probably much more anxious around this issue with my own children because of my work and I do find others think I'm ott. I did read once about a confidential survey taken in a huge American University which revealed around 5% of people who completed it reported a sexual interest in children. 1 out of 5 were women. (Probably easy to find this info with a quick google) And I believe an extremely high percentage of sexual abuse is committed by a person within the family. It's also worth saying that not all people who a sexually interested in children will act upon it, and even more strangely, its known that some sexual attacks on children have been carried out by people not sexually interested in children, for example, one parent carrying out revenge on the other etc. Having seen the life long effects this has on people, I'm quite happy to be laughed at by some for being over cautious, or for talking to my young children about their body parts and who can touch them. It's worth it. Paedophiles are opportunists and they have a knack for finding vulnerable children and/or naive parents.

Yanbu OP. I've heard friends working in policing/justice say it's so common the police can't cope with the number of cases and if these men were actually sentenced to jail terms the prison system couldn't cope either.

I worked with a man for nearly 20 years who was very respected in his professional field, to the point of being looked up to by many as a community leader. He even convinced a very prominent churchman to work with him. When he was busted by police it turned out that he'd been on their radar for a long time as a ringleader of a child porn distribution network. Really nasty stuff under-10s and highest severity level. It really shocked me tbh and shook my faith in other people all round. What was almost worse was that I knew several people almost entirely men -- who sympathised with him and went around saying he had been a victim of police brutality against thoughtcrime. Couldn't believe it. :(

Agreed, I trust almost no man, other than dh. Its a sad state of affairs.

Oh and this man didn't get a custodial sentence. He was very good at playing the "I have started rehabilitation" game, and the judge basically said he was too middle class to be jailed! A clinical psychologist friend told me that the clever men who do this know quite well that if they look like they are engaging with rehabilitation programmes they are unlikely to get jail terms.

No one ever likes to address the obvious - paedophiles target employment, volunteering and relationship opportunities which afford access to children.

I forgot about the recent Oxfam/Haiti thing too.

See. It occurs in just about every place and time you could possibly imagine.

I was abused when I was six (everything in black and white days)
By a foster carer, DM couldn't cope sometimes. He was caught red handed so it spread around our area and everyone knew all about it.
My relative was 14 back then and almost immediately became repulsed by me.
Because of some fucked up guilt that I had also ruined his life with my scandal, I am the only person to not go Nc.
I've got rid of the guilt now but I have LC because no one else is watching him.

Yes completely agree, they are everywhere and deliberately seek out places with access to children.

The scariest thing about Saville was how many famous people knew or strongly suspected he was a paedophile but said and did nothing. Yes, the BBC was absolutely at fault. But how much time did he also spend with the Royals, actors, politicians etc. Most of them knew. But he was Famous and Important - like them. Those he abused were not Famous and Important. When we talk about the British elite and the British establishment - here it is. They’ll perhaps lie low for a few more years (at most) but they’ll be back. Jeremy Corbyn perhaps offered a once in a lifetime chance to drain the sewer, but he apparently wasn’t patriotic enough, too scruffy etc etc. Shame.

Yes, I’ll never understand why people automatically respect and trust someone because they’re a ‘pillar of the community’ or a religious leader or in a responsible job. Obviously abusers don’t walk around with I’m a bad man tattooed on their foreheads or they wouldn’t get very far!