To think that actually, there probably is a paedophile on every corner?

[MrsToadofToadHall]

When I first became a parent, back in the 2000s, I tended to think that some other parents were quite irrational about their fears regarding paedophiles. There seemed to be quite a lot of hysteria about child abductions whipped up in the tabloids, quite a few of the mums I knew looked very suspiciously on men who worked or volunteered with children, and I tended to think that although paedophiles unfortunately existed, they were in the minority and we shouldn't raise our children to be suspicious of every man just because he was a man, nor should we limit their independence due to fear of something that was very unlikely to happen. I suppose I was a bit "cool mum" and proud of my ability to rationalise and see through hysteria

In recent years, I've come to think that I was wrong. So many famous and prominent people have been exposed as having abused children and teenagers. Although I have always supported a certain level of sex ed in schools, elements of this have gone beyond a level I'm comfortable with. It seems to me to be more acceptable to expose children to sexual/adult issues at an earlier age. As well as this, recent revelations in my own fairly small community have caused me to reconsider - a teenager who abused younger relatives, it was brought to the attention of police and SS but in the end, all that could be done was refer him for optional counselling. Three or four men have been found out as they attempted to groom very young girls, some primary aged, via social media. Friends have also confided in me regarding their own childhood abuse. I know most of these men, and while I realise that abusers don't come with a big sticker on their forehead, most of them really were spectacularly ordinary and had wives and children

Obviously I still realise that the vast majority of men are fine, but my point is, I thought paedophiles were a few lone individuals, and now it seems there are far more of them about than I ever would have realised.

Does that make sense?

Was the electoral register which he then changed to sex offenders register.

I have one living in our close, a few doors down. Locally we have several, I don’t let my DC play out the front of the house.

Also I have a friend who started online dating but said she didn’t have children, but she did.

People were shocked and said it’s awful that she was lying about having children. Her argument was it could potentially attract paedophiles that would specifically seek out women with children. She said it would rule those out and she would know they were with her for the right reasons.

She then met her ex husband online and told him about her kids on their second meeting and her reasons for not putting it online and whilst he wasn’t happy and wouldn’t speak to her for about 2 months, as he didn’t want to get with someone with children. He finally understood and they went on to marry etc...

She still stands by that to this day and most people absolutely understand why she did what she did.

I'm a csa survivor and I've been flamed on here before for staying similar views.

I think it's a lot more common than many. Particularly the authorities, are prepared to admit.

I'm aware of several myself and I consider I'm pretty good at "spotting" them too.

You need only look at the number of those caught viewing images of such abuse and the poor sentences they get.

Certainly in my area it's a regular feature of local news, at least one a week and I live in a small, sparsely populated place!

And that's just the ones that are caught!

Tip of the iceberg!!

Until we acknowledge it properly and implement sentences that are truly effective deterrents - which imo includes full life terms for those where the offence inc physical contact with the victims, because these people CANNOT be rehabilitated- we will not make a dent in the number of offences committed.

Remember reading that the people we generally refer to as paedophiles aren't actually particularly sexually attracted to children, just that they prey on vulnerable people and children are the most accessible. Given the amount of abusive relationships that are talked about here and that these abusers often present a charming side to the outside world, I sadly would not be surprised to find out that there were loads of them.

YANBU. Not just men and not just adults

This. What really worries me is the emerging amount of cases of children abusing other children. A very taboo and horrible subject but I'm very wary of other children.

Not in a super paranoid way, but I have sad and personal experience both as a child and almost as a parent of this. If I wasnt as aware as I already was, something may well have happened to my DD but luckily I was always on guard.

It's so sad to think of a child doing this and of why a child would do this. It has massive fall out for everyone involved*

Absolutely this, I was shocked to discover a child I knew had been abusing other, younger children. He had a terrible upbringing and while feeling sorry for him for that reason, it doesn't make it any easier for the children he hurt.

I'm wary of other children, they should be innocent but some have childhoods badly corrupted at such a young age. Regarding adults, I'm becoming increasingly worried about pedophiles calling themselves "minor attracted" and trying to normalise it by calling it a sexual preference. I can't understand how someone could look at a child in a sexual way, its repulsive.

@namelessforthis1

I used to work with a woman whose daughter was in a senior role in the police force. She said that the average figure equated to 1 child sex offender in every 4 streets. Also bearing in mind that this referred to a small Borough in the North East, not a densely populated area.

I agree with you OP. I've been through the same thought processes over the years.

Personally i've had a lot of experience of 'stranger danger'. Growing up near central London in the 80s daily life was a catalogue of unwanted attention. Cat called, followed, cornered, touched up and felt up, stalked and flashed at. All by men, by the way, i'm not afraid to say so. Usually much older than me. Flashed at for the first time when i was 6 on a bus :( I had friends who were badly abused. Friends who were raped.

My own experiences were so common that i would have subconscious stratergies in place for avoidance or escape for just about every day to day situation. Not getting on an empty bus until there was a woman in the queue with me. Walking miles out of the way to avoid going through parks or a common. Not sitting anywhere alone. Not going upstairs on buses. Not getting in or staying in empty train carriages. Hoping off at the wrong train stop to get away from harassment. It was a way of life. Second nature. I didn't go through life scared. But i was on alert. I knew what the world was.

When i had my DDs (early 20s) i thought i'd go mad trying to keep them safe. I could not picture a time when i'd be happy to let them out of my sight. While they were still v young (for lots of reasons) we ended up moving to a little rural village and i felt so much better about my 3 DDs chances of having a better time growing up. I started to feel that my experiences were because of growing up in the capital.

But I was an idiot. People are people where ever you go though. They're all the same. The only difference round here is that when it goes on it goes on in secret. Everyone knows each other by sight and it's not so easy for these wankers to abuse strangers in broad daylight here (like they would where i grew up). But still they're at it. A friend of mine's DD was sexually assalted by her best friend's husband. In the house when the mums and the other kids were all in the garden. The child was 6. It was found out. The bloke had years worth of pictures of child abuse on his computer. The wife? She stood by him... My older DDS have friends who've been abused. Been assaulted. No where is actually safe.

I've had another DD now. Big gap between her and her older sisters. We haven't moved, I still feel we're safer here than in a big city. But it goes on. There IS some kind of bastard on every street corner and it's better to accept it and somehow make provision while at the same time not scaring the shit out of your kids. DD4 is 6 now. Just getting to the age when you start to have the proper 'stranger danger' talk. It breaks my heart having to do this. This is my 4th time. Don't go into a house. Don't go near people in a car. Don't take food. Don't follow a stranger anywhere. Don't go with people you don't know in a shop if we get separated. All that. Sigh. Now we have internet safety to worry about too.

Anyway - YANBU OP.

@Laiste, that's awful for your friends DD. How his wife could stand by him after that is anybody's guess.

Sleepovers are one that I think it's easy to get caught out on. You think because you know the school mum and you've had coffee together while the kids are at swimming it's all ok, but her husband isn't necessarily nice or trustworthy just because she is. I didn't allow sleepovers for my eldest until she was older than the norm in our circle, and it wasn't because I was afraid of her being abused, but it was at an age where she had a good understanding of what inappropriate behaviour from an adult looks like, plus it was only with family members and very long term friends.... But even still. My youngest toddler DD has a cousin a few years older than her, who watches awful stuff with violent and sexual themes, and in my opinion the child is already acting out, and struggles with interacting appropriately with other children. SIL has it in her head that once DD is a little older, they're going to be best friends and have fun sleepovers at her house, but it won't be happening. I have this massive gut feeling screaming "no" at me. He's only a child of course and it isn't his fault his parents have let him down, but I can absolutely see him escalating the behaviour which he is already copying from the stuff he's exposed to, and I don't want my younger and smaller child around that. I know this probably sounds mad, but I just have this incredibly strong gut feeling about it.

Not just men and not just adults.

But mostly men - by a very wide margin - and mostly adults.

I think I read something on here that referenced police stats that said one every 3 streets.
Off the top of my head I can think of 3 men local to me, 2 others who befriended 2 members of my family (in separate locations).

Of those, 3 were involved in their local church (2 priests) and 2 were involved in their local primary school. One was a parent.

Only 2 got as far as court, neither went to prison.

Jesus Christ Laiste that's appalling. The fucking brazen neck of the man fgs

I don't think they can be rehabilitated either. Look at the lengths they'll go to access children to abuse.

to the posters who have shared their experiences

I agree. Out of about 8 girls who I knew as a teenager, who I was close enough to, that they would tell me they were being abused - half of them suffered some kind of sexual abuse.

One was abused by their uncle, another by a friend of their parents, and the other two by their step dads. The abusers were all men. I feel lucky that I came through unscathed.

Around the time I was a teenager (80s), my Mum was friends with a lady who worked as a secretary for the local police station. So she saw every case that came through the station. She said, by far the biggest type of crime was child sex abuse. And that was then, when a lot of it went unreported!

Agree with you there OP.

My 18DD works in a large supermarket and often has inappropriate creepy comments made to her. Trouble is, she looks about 13 so weirdos think they can say inappropriate things and get away with it but she stands up for herself, much to her credit.

Only last week, one customer (60 ish male) opened his wallet and a load of magazine images of children fell out onto the counter. He did it on purpose. He then proceeded to slowly put the pictures away muttering "sexy sexy sexy" under his breath while flicking his eyes between the pictures and my DD. Sicko. She told him firmly to hurry up, pay and that she would report him while pointing to the CCTV camera above her. I bet he wouldn't have done that if he knew she was 18.

I’m a social worker so maybe more exposed to it than others, but sadly it’s far more prevalent than I think many people realise.

One thing I don’t understand is do they not think these children will grow up and tell someone, their DH or DW? Or come looking for them themselves? It’s one thing being a vulnerable child but vulnerable children grow into adults. I don’t know what makes them think they will get away with it. I’m so glad it’s talked about more and people are brought to justice regularly now.

Not just men

Mostly though.

I agree with you OP. I used to read threads on here where people were absolutely roasted for having perfectly reasonable concerns about safe guarding and suspicious behaviour from adults towards children. The competitive coolness and insistence that predators were vanishingly rare used to baffle me because it clearly wasn't true. I never fail to be surprised at how many people in positions of responsibility are found to have committed sexual offences - police, education and medical professionals.

@Undies1990 she should definitely report that

@Graphista
At the risk of generalising, what would raise red flags for you? I've always been interested in how to spot potential predators. I've had "weird gut feelings" towards certain people but of course nothing can be proven. I feel so much abuse gets enabled by adults rationalising it away because they're good friends or relatives with the perpetrator. It seems taboo to even think that someone you trust could be a risk, maybe because it raises doubts about your own judgement and character?

I've thankfully never experience abuse but fully believe that abusers are far more common than people think (YANBU to OP). I'm determined to keep DD safe. Quite a while ago there was a MN thread about a mother who refuse to let her children spend time alone with other men (aside from the father, regardless of how closely related or befriended. I decided to adopt that rule as well, and expanding it to females who I don't have a good feeling about.

There was another great post in an old thread about how grooming happens just as often to the parents. The predator will slowly win over the trust of the parents (particularly easy if they've actually been in their lives before the child was born). Even if the child reports something, they won't be believed.

There is the father of a family friend who I get creepy vibes from every time I see him. He's a perfectly normal man with wife and kids but I just simply can't put my finger on it and feel ashamed for even having suspicions. A friend of DH also raises strange alarm bells in me. He's absolutely normal, good looking and successful but something about the way he compliments DD doesn't sit right. Obviously everyone says nice things about friends' children, so this stands out because it doesn't feel the same as the others. I feel this guy might be more of an opportunist who attempts to build trust early so many years down the line we'll let DD spend time with him unsupervised. (No chance of course)

Yes. The wife's reaction is almost as shocking as the abuse.

The little girl told her mum a few days later. He'd told her not to tell :( She was brave enough to talk to the police about it too. My friend went through hell. As you would. She was counseled about how to speak to her DD about it. It went round the village like wild fire. Awful time. He'd been taking pics of the kids playing. Everyone who'd been there for a playdate was worried for their own kids. Camera would be out for the village fete ect ....

A playdate for gods sake ...

Like you say OP, about sleep overs, you might feel you know the mum ... but who else is in the house at night? Wait till they're old enough to be wary is good advice.

The wife who stuck with the cunt 'reached out' to my friend a couple of years ago by letter. Talking about forgiveness and loyalties ... hmmmmm. She still hadn't divorced him. My friend is a calmer person than me and left it simply at ignoring the woman.

I know of 4. These were people I wouldn’t never have thought, even having one in my home on a regular basis.
One was a 32 year old Male, is currently serving 24 years in jail with a no early release order attached to his sentence. I won’t tell you what he did to how many kids, I threw up when I found out.
His girlfriend who was 17, got 4 years in juvie, tried at a minor. Sentenced for penetration. She’ll be out now.
One was a 25 year old Male, got caught at grooming stage online so never got a sentence.
One was in his 40’s (families member) charged with Downloading animal and child pornography. 2 years suspended sentence as the judge told the jury he was a fine pillar of the community. 🤢

For me it’s all about risk, say for example it was 1 in 1000 people are child abusers, and 1 in 1000 people who drive their car today will have a car accident, I’ll take the risk of driving my car but I’m not willing to leave my child with anyone I’m 100% certain isn’t an abuser.

For example DH has a family member who has a bit too close of a relationship to one of his nieces, nothing to suggest abuse but he just seems a bit too interested in her life compared to his other nieces and nephews so I won’t leave DD alone with him at any time just in case, I could never voice my doubts about him because I’d sound paranoid.

We moved from a big city to a small village and was amazed to hear there were two in the village - a struck off NHS professional and a Dad who had photos & videos - and then the prison service moved another, fresh out of jail, into a house in the village as well. He had people watching him (undercover coppers stand out rather a lot in a village where everyone knows each other!) and was caught on school grounds taking photos.

He was moved on rather swiftly after that, for his sake as well as the children's.

I find it revolting how many men look at teenage girls in school uniforms. Just vile.