My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

How old are you?

To be honest I love my husband and kids and seem to have picked a good one who does his fair share of chores, life admin, parenting etc. But there are just so so many people on mumsnet and in real life who put up with absolute shit from men and end up doing 90pc of chores life admin and childcare and working outside the home too and are just completely frazzled and exhausted by it all but stay in the relationship because it's the best thing for the kids and/ or because they would struggle financially if they left because its hard to balance a career with being the min caregiver. Couples often revert to traditional gender roles or the type of relationship their parents had when they become parents themselves and it's hard before you have children to know what kind of partner and parent the father will be. I might be wrong as only she knows what she means but I'd guess she doesn't want you to become one of those women who are unhappy and trapped

Your mother is projecting all of her insecurities, self-preceived failures, and regrets upon you. Ignore her. She had her chance to live her life, is you have yours. You are not your mother.

Yes, if you want an easy life, she is right. But an easy life isn't everything.

Does that mean she feels that way about her own marriage and kids? Surely not, since you seem to have a good relationship.

FWIW I disagree with her. I loved being married, and love my children. It is true that being a mother is stressful and expensive, but there are vastly more positives than negatives.

If it was so awful, nobody would have a second or third child, nobody would remarry.

Do you think she just means that you shouldn't do these things yet? Or that it's a flippant, throwaway, semi-serious comment that's been repeated so many times that you started to believe it?

If I knew then what I know now I wouldnt have kids. I didnt know it was possible to love like this and to worry so much and the parental guilt is awful. No kids is a definite. Would keep my husband and the dog though!

Trust your own judgement. Most children do the opposite of what mum advises.

That's a serious bit of 'advice-giving' there. So unless you have a severely life limiting illness, it does sound a little over the top.

A couple of things spring to mind - it's a bit insulting to you as her daughter. After all she had you - is she saying you were a mistake? Is she implying you're not up to the role of wife and mother. No one is perfect - we all have to be good enough.
A final thought - is she trying to keep you close, closing off your life choices so you stay with her. I may be doing her a mis-service, but worth thinking about.

If you want children - have them.

Yes being in a relationship requires work. Children can be hard work. Having both does require a re-balancing of your life - but life isn't over. However relationships and children also bring a wonderful sense of joy and love.

Ignore her, you need to make your own path in life. If you do what she suggests then it just builds up resentment. It could be worse Op, she could be telling your future husband not to marry you on the eve of your wedding.

Ignore her . She is being insulting and thoughtless at best. Is she often like that?

Pull her up on it ask her if she felt you were a mistake.

One person's too hard is meaningful and fulfilling for another. How rude!

No parent should be doling out advice this broad about the ‘right way’ to live a happy life and no Adult child should accept it. Are there many women in unhappy marriages? Yes. Are there many not suited to parenthood? Yes. Does that mean no woman should do either? Absolutely not.

For what it’s worth I love my (completely not perfect) marriage and I love being a parent despite all the hard work that goes with it. My life is full of chaos and love and hardly any of the guilt or worry a pp mentioned. That doesn’t mean you should have kids or get married any more than your mum’s experience means you shouldn’t.

I’d recommend counselling to try to separate your own feelings and wants out from your mother’s. I think you’d find it illuminating on lots of levels as she sounds hugely overbearing.

Wow. I'd feel terrible if my mother tried to put me off having kids because she hated having me so much.

Having a family is hard work and it isn't for everyone. But that doesn't mean that it can't be amazing and fulfilling and wonderful.

It's not just about "feelings" it's about the practicalities. Marsamilay's question is a good start. There's a difference between marriage and men before you chuck kids in as well. Which are you considering right now? . I wouldn't have kids without marriage, it's a legal contract that - in theory at least - carries legal obligations. Have a look at the threads from the women who are currently being forced into giving up their jobs to look after the children.

She’s right, but not the marriage part, I’d keep that. Having kids is not an easy life and you can’t do stuff you enjoy as much, including spending time with your partner. We have no support at all. My kids are older, but not old enough to leave home alone, they never want to go out and do stuff, I’m stuck at home and can’t even meet up with friends at the moment. I thought it would be great now and we’d be off on lots of adventures showing them the world. Even on holiday they moan and don’t want to go out - except the pool if applicable. It would be easier with just one kid, the fighting is the absolute worst thing about being a parent, and it’s all the time.

In answer to your question, yes she's looking out for you.
As a child, she would have known you more than anyone else; what your limitations were and what makes you smile.
But you are an adult now and whilst She has your best interest at heart, only you get to choose a future for yourself.

Don't listen to people trying to poison your relationship with your mother just because she was honest with you about how much work it felt like to her. Lots of women wish they hadn't made the choices they did or the situations they end up in. It doesn't mean they don't love their children, just that they recognise that it's not been the experience for them that it is often sold as.

Nevertheless, you shouldn't let your mum's advice make a decision like this for you. It's worth listening to, especially if you generally find her to be good at evaluating long term life choices. But she shouldn't be the only input you consider.

Lately, surveys generally show that childless, unmarried women are happier, wealthier and live longer than married women with children. However, there is more to life than happiness and most mothers will tell you it's the best thing and well worth doing.

If you think you might want children spend some time with friends with children. Offer to babysit and take them for trips out and see if you enjoy them at their best. Then try looking after them for longer and not necessarily anywhere special. See if you get something out of it that feels meaningful in a way you need and can't get elsewhere. If you don't I would warn you that it really is a lot of work and our culture is really not supportive. If you have a life you kind of like now then you too may end up thinking it would have been best not to have done it from an objective perspective, even though you love your kid and want only the best for them.

I am a single parent to 3 wonderful girls. I have advised them to think very carefully before entering into marriage and kids. So often the woman ends up doing the lion's share of everything. I don't want my girls to have that life.

Perhaps I have been too honest with them, I don't know. But I love them and want them to have a great life. You will never catch me peddling shite to them, about how amazing marriage and motherhood are. I adore them and tell them so every day. But it's not a life I'd choose again.

It seems to me your Mum is focusing on all the negatives but what about all the positives?
You need to do what is right for you and if that involves getting married and having children then go for it when you are ready. Don't let your Mum's life experiences influence you on these matters and don't risk having regrets later on in life either.

Is your mum worried she’ll lose you if you settle down and have kids?

How old is your mum? Does she rely on you for care or shopping etc?

I read so many threads on here about women lumbered with awful partners who've had kids with them and ended up miserable, and I know someone with a partner and kids who's quite open about the fact he does sweet FA when he's at home (work colleague, and damn straight I pulled him up on it.) I married my own useless lump (but didn't have kids) and now I'm single life is so much sweeter.

If you find a decent partner you might be alright, but I'm with your mum on this.

Everyone's life is different. You do you and if you make mistakes that will be because you are human.

Personally having my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me. She has caused me so much grief, as children do, but I've never felt that much love for anyone else, until my granddaughter arrived on the scene.

Whereas one of my best friends who has two lovely daughters that she is rightly proud of is like your mother, advising them not to have children of their own.

The only problem with parenthood is that you don't know what it will be like beforehand and there is no going back.

My dm told me exactly the same. She had five of us and repeatedly told us we had ruined her life.

Don’t take any notice. Maybe don’t have 5 but don’t give her views house room either.

My ds is the best and most precious thing I have done. Yes, there are costs and nappies and sleep deprivation and now school run, but there is also all the joy they bring.

Well the different paths in life can't really be compared because you can't ever have balanced view - having one option completely taken away by missing the chance can skew your view.

Knowing what I know now I'd choose parenthood every time, but I've accepted that other areas of my life are now limited. Before I had children I didn't want them and I had very different ideas, so if my mum had said that to me I might have listened and then I'd have missed out. I think it's the hard route but with the most rewards (that don't always seem like rewards until you have the luxury of retrospect).

Your mother has done the most unfair thing to you by saying this, if you have children then on the bad days (and there are plenty) when you feel regret then you'll always have that voice in your head telling you that you were warned. That's massively unfair, and most parents have pangs of regret sometimes particularly in the early days when it's exhausting and overwhelming.

I think you should talk this issue through with someone who can offer you support (a professional) just because the ramifications from what's she's said are big. No one has the right to tell you that you should or shouldn't have children. The fact that she's your mother has given you food for thought when actually it shouldn't but it's easier to brush comments like that off when they come from someone who isn't as close.

Maybe she said it from a good place but it wasn't kind of her.

I feel bad for your mom. She regrets going the traditional route and having kids and getting married. There are unfortunately a lot of parents who regret having children. It's a lot of work and isn't always fruitful.