My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

I don't take offense at what anyone has said on here but I do agree that single people can be overlooked. The media groups can tend to be very much built around the idea of couples and families. Single-ness should feel like just a noble life calling as any other. Even for those for whom the "right" person has simply not seemed to come. Every life matters. At all stages of life. Young or old. In sickness or in health. Every ability. Every job. Every skin hue. Single or married or dating or otherwise.

I would also urge single people to not feel self conscious. I have been called upon by several single people I know during these self-isolation times.. Apologetic imagining that I would be too busy. I have been thrilled to re-connect. Married people need personal friends too! I was single till very late in life. It can begin to feel somehow "odd" with so much TV etc about coupling up.

I knew from a fairly young age I didn't want children. People always said I'd change my mind.

I had a tiny wobble when I hit 40 and got married. DH who knew my views mentioned maybe having a child. I gave it serious thought but I just couldn't do it. He does already have a child so he's not missing out.

I didn't think I'd ever get married either. I'd been in a 10 year relationship previously and had no intention of marrying.

Now I'm 41 and due to treatment I've had I'm infertile. I was told although I don't want children I may feel sad the choice is taken away from me but I feel fine with it.

Who said being single and childless was an easy life? There are plenty of people who'd give a limb to have a child or a spouse, and they are miserable deep down. Follow the advice of pp and spend time with children and see if you enjoy it. Married couples mask a lot in public, so it's very difficult to gauge the happiness of other couples from the outside. Allow yourself to fall in love, and see what happens from there. Good luck!

OP I’m not sure I have any advice but I always knew I wanted children. It was a strong desire. It is hard but my DH and I work together in partnership to parent. We have small but supportive families. If anything I would like more.
It’s such a personal decision and I am glad that you are taking the time to think about this seriously, as we can plan to have children and also plan not to. As PPs have said there is only one reason to have a child and that is the desire to be their mother.

This isn't a question anybody else can answer for you. Not even your mum. Some people know from an early age that they never want to marry or have kids (I'm one of them). Other women feel a desperate urge to become a mother and will do almost anything to achieve this. Still others have children because 'it's what you do' or because their partner persuaded them. There are no right answers. Only you can make the decision.

*@daisydrum
OP I’m not sure I have any advice but I always knew I wanted children. It was a strong desire. It is hard but my DH and I work together in partnership to parent. We have small but supportive families. If anything I would like more.
*It’s such a personal decision and I am glad that you are taking the time to think about this seriously, as we can plan to have children and also plan not to. As PPs have said there is only one reason to have a child and that is the desire to be their mother.

That's great that you have supportive families. I'm taking it really seriously since DP and I have discussed it. Hearing experiences from mums on here has been helpful. It's given me many points to consider.

@eatsleepread
I am a single parent to 3 wonderful girls. I have advised them to think very carefully before entering into marriage and kids. So often the woman ends up doing the lion's share of everything. I don't want my girls to have that life.

I think that's what my mum feels too, she has been a single mum since I was 2.

@MashedSpud
*Is your mum worried she’ll lose you if you settle down and have kids?

How old is your mum? Does she rely on you for care or shopping etc?*

I think there may be a bit of jealousy if I went on to have an family. Mums mid 50's , she actually doesn't rely on me for anything at all. She's laid back with most things but very strongly opinionated when it comes to having kids which is why I've always thought , is she just trying to look out for me.

@SaphireSeptember
*
I read so many threads on here about women lumbered with awful partners who've had kids with them and ended up miserable, and I know someone with a partner and kids who's quite open about the fact he does sweet FA when he's at home (work colleague, and damn straight I pulled him up on it.) I married my own useless lump (but didn't have kids) and now I'm single life is so much sweeter.

If you find a decent partner you might be alright, but I'm with your mum on this.*

I must admit too, I have see so many women having kids with awful partners. DP is great, does his fair share etc. However, I don't think I realised how much children can change your home and relationship until coming on here.
He worships me, will do absolutely anything for me but having a child could change that I guess.
I'm glad to hear that you are happy being single.
I too have no problem with being single if I ever was, I'm not scared of being alone.
I can see why you are with my mum on this. Part of me is too, because I see what she has been through but then I also think it might be different for me. It's definitely a lot to consider before having children, which I didn't realize too until I came on here.

@scubsteven
if you have children then on the bad days (and there are plenty) when you feel regret then you'll always have that voice in your head telling you that you were warned.

Definitely this.

I think you should talk this issue through with someone who can offer you support (a professional) just because the ramifications from what's she's said are big.*

She has always said this to me growing up and still now so it's always been a norm for me.
I never considered talking someone professional about it but seems like a good idea to get a clear idea of how I feel.

@Pollypelargonium52
However you definitely don't fit in when it comes to being a single parent. So you have to factor that possibility in also when weighing up the pros and cons.

I have seen others post about not fitting into society if you are a single parent. I haven't heard this before. Can you or anyone else explain this further? I have never considered being a single parent so reading about mums saying you have to be prepared has given me much to think about too.

@pigeon999
*Your mother is being completely honest with you.

It is not easy raising children or being married, she is trying to ensure you go into both with your eyes wide open. I would say she loves you very very much, but maybe she felt alone and struggled alot in the earlier day and wants better for you*

She did struggle.
She said if she could go back, she would have not got married or had kids.
I totally understand because she was left to be a single mum, like I've said before here, I didn't realise I would have to consider being a single mum. Having DP around makes me imagine a us having a happy family but reading many MN's posts on here has made me realize that it doesn't always go that way.

I honestly can't imagine life without my kids. They are my world and the best thing that ever happened to me!

(But they r also hard work!! If you go along to it this king it'll be a breeze it may get be tough. But knowing parenting will be challenging at times, you will be fine!)

(But they r also hard work!! If you go along to it this king it'll be a breeze it may get be tough. But knowing parenting will be challenging at times, you will be fine!)

This kind of assumes that the only reason people choose not to have children is because they want to avoid the 'tough' parts. However, for many people, having children simply doesn't appeal on any level. Even the 'good' parts don't sound that great to some of us.

@IcedPurple this.

Also, people's experience of having children varies widely depending on their income, their health, their partner, the amount of additional support they have and the children themselves.

For me, even the best case scenarios don't seem appealing.

Being married does take work as you can't just please yourself and life may be more easy in that way. But finding a good partner that matches your life goals and strive to treat eachother with love and respect as best you can, is a must don't take anything less. Parenthood is a different matter. It's hard work but I personally wouldn't swap it for anything else, I do love and get a lot of love back from my kids, but they can be very hard work at times and your life does revolve around them, they naturally depend on you but this I know won't be forever. You can have a easy life if you find a really good partner but parenthood no it's not easy but I don't regret it. My DH is a good father and husband so that helps make my opinion positive one (a far from perfect marriage though, but who has?!)
I think your mum wants to just protect because of her bad experiences maybe, but it doesn't mean it will happen to you. Thread very carefully about who you pick as you partner and even more so who to have kids with, ( if you do every want them.)

She doesn't know what life without children is like. I had mine late so had plenty of time beforehand to realise single life wasn't for me!

For anyone deciding to marry and then have children, they need a partner they can be sure of, one who doesn't slip off halfway through to have a 'better life' and leave you with the 'hard miles'.
I see and read of so many single parents having a tough time of it, and some women, particularly, getting rough treatment.
Life is a blessing and there are many ways of travelling from cradle to grave, so take your time, be sure of yourself then any partner you decide to travel with, because it can become a lottery if you don't.

This kind of assumes that the only reason people choose not to have children is because they want to avoid the 'tough' parts. However, for many people, having children simply doesn't appeal on any level. Even the 'good' parts don't sound that great to some of us.

It also misses out the fact that quite a few people choose not to have children because they have other stimulating, fascinating, hard-work-requiring things they want to do with their lives.

(I do have children. But I also know plenty of people who don't and whose lives are enriched by something else instead)

There is a huge pressure on women to have a partner...any partner. Plus due to our mysogonistic patriarchal society men's behaviour such as aggression, being a " provider", tough, non emotional, afraid to catch " the gay" if celebrating anything feminine etc, etc has contributed to women making so called" bad choices".
Plus this hideous attitude that women are to blame for choosing bad partners and no wonder our sex is grateful to scrabble around for the crumbs of attention that men ( and women) throw at us.
Whilst if you have a great partner you have a double wammy of being superior to other women...you have good judgement plus a loving partner making you more valuable in our society.....according to those of you have been lucky.

@PollyPelargonium52

Well my own mum said this to me about not having children and we were close and I am an only child. She was only being honest. They do bring a lot of stress plus money as now I have my own one I can see she was right. And she had it much easier than I did (my mum is dead).

Most men aren't that helpful when it comes to childraising. At best 1 in 3 husbands/partners pitch in with some extra help. We are left to do 90 per cent minimum at the best of times and you have to steer men around to get them to do the help we need as they just don't see the work (with a few exceptions).

I think your mum was just being honest and there is nothing wrong in that.

If I had had nieces and nephews I wouldn't have bothered as you do lose a helluva lot of freedom. My son has always been a challenge in one way or another though. He is now 15 which isn't the easiest especially during lockdown nightmare and money stress.

I think on the other hand having just one child is nice as you do fit in more with society. I have been a single parent since ds was 5 months old as I prefer making my own decisions and am jaded when it comes to relationships. However you definitely don't fit in when it comes to being a single parent. So you have to factor that possibility in also when weighing up the pros and cons. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

@Lowlandsea I think it must be up to you to make that choice! Life will play out regardless of all the planning you try to do and it should as hardly anything ever goes exactly according to a plan anyway. I think most parents enjoy the struggles their kids have with their own kids and it is only right they do as its payback in a way. As long as the majority of the time they are supportive and keen to help as well... Question is as well whether you want to live for you and only you or whether you are happy to let a few other people into your life to live for and you roll the dice... see who you get given @PollyPelargonium52 The reason for re-posting this reply to you is because I am in much the same boat and I find it always so good to hear from people that are in the same situation as me as it is quite tough. Not easy to explain to friends/family what doing it on your own really involves. My DS is only 10 and I am a single parent and have been since he was only 1 as well, total failure at relationships too. But I can't even count how many families I know who have it tough even having gone the traditional route and 'outwardly, looking in' they seem to have it all. I also know a fair few single people, no kids or bf/gf and they have so much money and head to different places each weekend, buy designer stuff all the time and eat in fancy places ordering food/drinks I can't even pronounce, their lives are as calm or as exciting as they want them to be because they make all the decisions for themselves but to me this seems quite empty. (Their houses/flats also have no stuff which i find so funny) Kids develop personalities of their own very quickly. My son can be a real challenge but at the same time I learn so much from him that no one else can teach me. It is really a case of taking the ups/downs with them but ultimately no one can tell you how life will play out and whether you 'chose' the right path, it's a total gamble.

It might be an easier life but it’ll probably be a lonelier one too