My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

Bit harsh saying that to your own kid

I think a life without a partner sounds meaningless and dull. yes maybe easier but that's not everything. kids are hard and some people may regret it but there's no reason not to. do you have a career you love and want to do v well in? I think you need something else to throw your life into if you would like kids but don't have them.

I’ve not regretted it at all I love being a mum. It’s hard work but it’s a privilege.

It is worth considering that for every mother that was honest about the level of exhaustion and responsibility attached to motherhood/marriage, there were many mothers that said absolutely nothing about it and that to me that is negligence.

How helpful is it to be completely unaware of the struggles that are likely to come?
Respecting and valuing a relationship and a person regardless of whether that is a daughter, or a friend, includes being honest with them in my world.

I would have the kids but not get married. Each to their own. My husband is fab but I never really was the marrying kind and am still not. Your mother can't anticipate how someone else should live their life. I'm very different to my own mother.

There is such a strong cultural narrative that says that family life is the ideal so I think it is a good thing as a parent to let our children know that it is perfectly possible to have a happy and fulfilled life without being married or having children and for some that is a better choice.

It is also a good thing to let them know that life is easier if you make sure that if you have children it is much easier if you are careful about who you have children with. Sometimes this doesn't work out though of course.

I think telling people not to have children though is too far.

My regret is that I didn't have my child younger. If I'd known just how much I love being a Mum, I'd have had my son in my twenties....

Maybe she means it a bit deeper than that, like don't ever be financially dependent on a man. Or don't let children be at the cost to your career. Advice many on this site should have taken really.

Pigeon999 I agree about the honesty, and making sure you're informed of what is involved, the pitfalls and the risks. But you also have to balance that out with the benefits and the joys. And to explain how you can protect yourself from some of the risks, which you've done with your daughters.

OPs mother has just said she shouldn't get married or have children. That's going too far. We have to live with the consequences of our decisions, so we should make them ourselves.

It is worth considering that for every mother that was honest about the level of exhaustion and responsibility attached to motherhood/marriage, there were many mothers that said absolutely nothing about it and that to me that is negligence.

Yeah I agree with this.

pink I agree, there is a difference between information and telling your adult children what to do/not to do.

If you choose a nice husband and try to be a decent parent, it’s the most rewarding thing in the world. But it’s very hard work!

I hope she was also honest about the potential for loneliness if you live your life on your own as you get older.

Not intending this to feel like a lose/lose conversation, but both factors need to be balanced and considered, and depending on your character and work etc you have to choose the path that is right for you (and not one that is expected of you perhaps either way).

It is definitely not an easy life to have children. For me it's come with the highest highs but also the lowest lows. It has brought issues and weaknesses I didn't even know I had to the surface and it's such a huge responsibility it often overwhelms me. It changes everything and there's no turning back once you've gone down that road. It's a strong instinct to reproduce and I really admire those who choose not to. Your life is never your own again unless you want to rely on other people to help you out a lot so you can continue some semblance of your own life. Saying all that though, I am so glad I had my beautiful children and bringing them into my life is the best thing I've ever done. Marrying someone, on the other hand, is really no big deal as you're not tied to them for life if it doesn't work out (unless you have children together) and if you marry someone who is your best friend and who loves and respects you then it is a beautiful thing, it really enriches your life and you can still be your own person. I can't really see any negatives to getting married if you do it for the right reasons. Live together for a while first, try before you buy. If people could do that with children I do wonder if so many would go on to have them!

It's true life would be easier without my DC right now! Your life changes completely when you have a child, especially if you have multiple but I'd have them again and again even knowing what I know now.

OP, my mother said pretty much the same to me and a raft of other things that were heinous. Through MNet I now realise she is a classic narcissist.

Only you know your mother's nature to tell if what she said came from a good place.

When DS1 was born I remember holding him in my arms and realising I loved him so much I could never, ever purposefully be unkind to him. That sorrow lasted many weeks but it was the first wake up call that it wasn't me who was "difficult".

In many ways your mother is right. Marriage, or a life long relationship, is hard work even when everything's right. You don't truly know how your partner will react to life's ups and downs until you face them and when you do you have to find a way to support each other.

Children are hard work and very expensive - it was the never having a break from them that I found difficult rather than the physical work but the joy outweighs it. The joy of smelling the head of your very own new born, the first words and watching them become increasingly independent. The pure joy of watching them at a rockpool, as their little hand reaches for yours on the way home. And it carries on all the way to their graduations and beyond.

Along the way are broken hearts (and arms and legs) and in our case a phase of adolescent mh problems (now resolved), notwithstanding a few teenage rows and episodes of sheer terror when one has been out until 2am with no communication.

But the love and the joyous times make up for that.

We have been married for 29 years and the dc are 25 and 22. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

My mother by the way still tries to find fault with all I do and we will never match up to her fantasy of the perfect family.

I think you've heard this so many times you've been a bit brainwashed, this is why you are conflicted.
Go with your gut.

I agree with your mum , if I had my time again I would have done things very differently. I have never had a day without gut wrenching worry since I had my child. For some it’s been a joy but not everyone is that lucky.

I think your mum is very wise tbh. I think marriage can be ok if you're lucky enough to meet a good one.... but kids, I wouldn't do it again given the choice.

Exactly Pigeon. If you talk through all possibilities and the pros and the cons but make it clear it's up to them, then that's fantastic parenting.

Maybe I'm just biased because my mother was so convinced of what was best for me and made all kinds of decisions for me that proved to be completely wrong and to some extent cocked up my life. She would have said she was giving me advice based on her own experiences. But she was really telling me what I should do and had brought me up to be compliant. It's only now I'm a lot older that I realise a lot of it was because she was bitter about the way her life had turned out.

You don't sound like that at all.

I've got boys and I tell them they have to be equal partners and not leave their wives to do all the work! My husband's nephews are fantastic hands on parents and husbands so maybe the world has changed and it can be a different choice for women these days.

ohtheroses I am really happy for you that your life worked out that way especially in light of how your own parent(s) treated you, what a truly lovely post.

I haven't read the entire thread, but I would say that you have to make your own decisions. I have three dc who are now 14, 16 and 18, and at different stages being their parent has been lovely, or hard. I am divorced and the second half of my marriage was very difficult, so that has really affected me.

IMO the important things to think about are the kind of person you get together with and how strong and good your relationship is, and also what you plan to do about work. My advice to anyone who asks would be to make sure that you are financially independent, are able to share childcare with your partner, and have a job/career which you can keep / go back to.

I think a lot of mothers don’t speak the truth about child rearing because they’re scared people will accuse them of not loving their children/they don’t want to upset their children.

I absolutely adore my kids. I’m a total softie with them and probably smother them with affection! Would I have had kids if I knew what my life would be like though? I doubt it.

It’s a constant stream of cleaning, cooking and working. I rarely have time or money to spend on myself and have aged 10 years in 4. It’s not the fun days out and family holidays and staring at them while they sleep, it’s utterly relentless.

I’m a single mom as was my mother and I wish she’d told me what it was really like. I think your mother is brave to tell you her true opinion and loves you enough to say it!

@Allthegoodonesaretaken20 I agree entirely.

I love my kids but could imagine a life where I was just as happy and fulfilled without them, in other ways

Again, I do love them but Jesus I am just so bloody tired!

Your mother's narrative counters the one given by man parents. Many parents expect grandchildren, expect marriage, expect their children to follow a certain path. They sometimes expect alot!

Maybe your mother wanted you to have wings and it came out badly. Only you can know whether is controlling or simply letting you know you have choices.

I hope 'expectation' in any form is diminishing, this alone can be so suffocating for any child.