My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

To be perfectly honest, this the advice I very much want to give my kids.

Just can't work out how to do it without them realising I wish I hadn't...

Experiences of motherhood are so different...two hypothetical scenarios.

Happily married woman, lots of extended family support, well off financially, two well behaved children with no health or behavioural problems....

Single mum, no family support and a useless ex, three kids with behavioural or medical problems, living in a high rise tower block...quite frankly, you're in the shit

How helpful is it to be completely unaware of the struggles that are likely to come?

You can't be honest about the struggles that are likely to come because you have no idea what parenting would be like for another person. Projecting your own feelings is not what I call honest.

I found having children enormously rewarding. I am not telling my own children that they must procreate because they would find it enormously rewarding. Nor have I told them they must take up my career or they must not take up my career or they must do my hobbies or they must on no account do my hobbies. They are their own people and must live their own lives.

Whatever happens, they are not going to be marrying my husband or having my children so there is no way I can be "honest" about their future lives.

To be perfectly honest, this the advice I very much want to give my kids.

Don't you just need to give message that you need to think very carefully because it will completely change their lives in so many ways.

Possibly add stuff about it impacting women more still and it being very hard work at times.

What OhTheRoses said:
"OP, my mother said pretty much the same to me and a raft of other things that were heinous. Through MNet I now realise she is a classic narcissist.
Only you know your mother's nature to tell if what she said came from a good place.
When DS1 was born I remember holding him in my arms and realising I loved him so much I could never, ever purposefully be unkind to him. That sorrow lasted many weeks but it was the first wake up call that it wasn't me who was "difficult"."

Like the PP above I have a difficult mother. Mine went on and on about how difficult I was (still says this and loves it when my eldest has a teenage strop). She seems to relish every parental difficulty I have (thankfully only run of the mill things which I deal with as calmly as possible!) and I feel she's one of those people who would moan about everything unless she was super loaded like the Kardashians etc.

She has always been very defensive to me and very hurtful, saying things that I could never say to either of my daughters. Like the PP I just can't imagine not having that core of care to not want to cause my children further hurt. However my mother is also often thoughtful, helpful and benign and although I don't like spending a huge amount of time with her as I feel she is a joy/energy sucker, she's no ogre and I love and care about her.

What I'm trying to say is that because my mum isn't 'all bad', she has the ability to influence me and had I listened to my mother's bitterness over how 'terrible' motherhood was, I would have missed out on the richness of life with my family today. Granted its MUCH harder work and emotionally gruelling than not having your own family, particularly if you're trying to succeed in a full time job as well, but it was the right decision for me.

Is she trying to keep,you for herself? You say that you’re close, could she be worried if you get married or have kids that you won’t be close. Because that doesn’t sound healthy. I have a colleague who spends all her evenings and weekends with her mum. Colleague is in her 40s and eternally single, I’m sure because she doesn’t go anywhere to meet anyone!

Having children is the most meaningful thing in your life. Ask any parent. Why try and deprive your own daughter of the absolute joy children bring. Yes it is hard work but most things worth having are gained through hard work.

Until you have a child on your own you will never know the depth of love that is possible for another human being, it’s a bit insulting for your mum to tell you her daughter that having children is too much work and effectively not worth the effort. I would not rely on advice from someone callous and insensitive.

I would advise you to choose your partner carefully, Looks and chemistry fade and at the end of the day you need a caring compassionate father.

What does she expect you to do? Become a cat lady and die alone? I find that far worse but then again I am saying this sat here with a great husband and two fantastic children. I knew from a very early age that I wantEd to be married and have children, I found a great man who wanted the same. We are very lucky to also come from parents who are both still happily married after 40 odd years. I realise that we aren’t the norm but I couldn’t imagine telling my daughter to never get married or have children. Maybe if I wasn’t happily married or the product of an unhappy marriage I would feel differently, to me it just sounds like she is projecting.

Oh and children are hard work but for me the positives they bring to my life far outweigh the negatives.

My mother didn’t really want me to have kids either. She genuinely thought I’d have an easier and more enjoyable life without them. Plus she was worried as my DH’s birth mother had mental health problems and she thought our child might go the same way. As it happened I couldn’t have them anyway. She didn’t understand my grief.

I love my husband and kids and seem to have picked a good one who does his fair share of chores, life admin, parenting etc. But there are just so so many people on mumsnet and in real life who put up with absolute shit from men and end up doing 90pc of chores life admin and childcare and working outside the home too and are just completely frazzled and exhausted by it all but stay in the relationship because it's the best thing for the kids and/ or because they would struggle financially if they left

Yes - what this poster said.

I didn't meet anyone who I thought would be a good option for life partnership until I was 37. I had a whole load of fun along the way, several relationships of more than 5 years, but I knew I'd never settle down with any of those men. I worked out what I wanted from my life and then found someone who would allow (not literally) me to carry on with that.

Don't put up with any shit. Life is too short. Be independent enough of mind and ideally of means, to be able to end a situation if it doesn't suit you. My mum (been with my dad since she was 14, currently on 50 years of happy marriage) always told me to have a run away fund, and gave me £1000 to start it when I was 18. It's still there.

There are ways not to have a shit time as a wife or parent, we need to bring children up to treat people well and expect more of others too. Being a good role model helps.

Thing is though it's not just you - it depends on who you meet and their expectations as well and what compromises you make together.

What a surprise, people who have had kids always have to be so nasty about a life without them...

Life is so shallow or hollow without kids
Life is not as meaningful without having them

Life is what you make it and you can have a meaningful and happy life without having kids.

And your mum is advising you not telling you what to do.

I sont know fo they do it now but at school they taught us about pregnancy and nowhere does it tell you the actual truth, how you will bleed alot afterwards, how you might have stitches etc.

I only learnt that when a friend confided in me when she had her first baby and I was 27! I don't understand why they would never teach you or tell that at school its enough to put you off.

We should know the good stuff and the bad stuff and go onto things with eyes wide open making our decision knowing both sides.

I should add, I now think it probably for the best that I didn’t have kids. I think I might have regretted it.

What does she expect you to do? Become a cat lady and die alone?

You do realise there are more than two options in life, right?

The OP might have a great career or spend her life on a cause that fills her soul or just go through life having fun. I have plenty of colleagues who are single and without children: they don't die any faster than the rest of us, they don't on average seem to have more cats either and they are not miserable recluses with nobody to care for.

@guineapigbridge Don't compromise on who you marry and who you have kids with.
Learn to communicate assertively about what you want
Know enough about your own values to know when compromise is acceptable to you and when it is not.

Great advice!

I’m happily married and have 2 kids. We’ve worked hard to ensure our relationship is strong , loving and respectful. We communicate our needs and issues without getting into arguments or causing a drama.

The kids are amazing and thriving . They bring us so much joy.

However having only joined Mumsnet recently I’m totally shocked at the state of some relationships and complete lack of standards /expectations.

Know yourself and what you expect from a relationship and partner, don’t be afraid to be picky . Take your time and don’t rush into a relationship.

I will never get married and have kids, it's not the easy life that people seem t think. I didn't have an in-person conversation for the first two months of lockdown and even now I can go days without speaking to someone. If I get ill then there is no partner to make me something to eat or bring me medicine.

Kids are expensive but I have to pay every bill and expense out of my lone wage packet.

Essentially, there are positives and negatives to each way of life.

I agree girls aren’t warned properly so we don’t go into it knowing all the facts. I’d say only do it if you’re prepared to become a single parent and pay for/ do everything alone. If that would be a disaster, think twice.

My dm said never trust a man, I ignored her because it’s was too depressing. Now I know even the nicest man in the world is capable of walking away. The guidance above is good but you still can’t know till it’s too late.

Is this one of those threads where the OP never comes back?

Look op, having children is extremely hard work - and extremely rewarding in equal measure.

For you maybe. From what I have seen and read, some feel the hard work outweighs the rewards.

@bluemooon
You would rather unpleasant to be honest

senua Maybe OP is busy taking on board all the info...

I agree girls aren’t warned properly

On that basis, boys aren't taught properly. Don't blame being treated like shit on the women who are being treated like shit.

I don't have kids (though have a partner) and yes it's an easy life.
Cab please myself totally, stay late at work and so have a good career. Which meant I could go part time and study.
I am not saying it's a better life (though it is for me as I don't want kids) but it's definitely an easier life than people with kids.

How am I possibly blaming women?! Of course boys/men should behave well but they so often don’t.