My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

My mother said this all regularly to me from being a young child. I stupidly thought she was being funny. She wasn't, she was saying that she hated being a mother and wife. Once I had my children and married I was then constantly criticized for being indulgent as a mum just because I enjoyed it.
I realize now that she wanted me to tied to her and fully available to her. And she despises anyone who is happy.
Don't listen to your mum, OP. Follow your own path

Well my own mum said this to me about not having children and we were close and I am an only child. She was only being honest. They do bring a lot of stress plus money as now I have my own one I can see she was right. And she had it much easier than I did (my mum is dead).

Most men aren't that helpful when it comes to childraising. At best 1 in 3 husbands/partners pitch in with some extra help. We are left to do 90 per cent minimum at the best of times and you have to steer men around to get them to do the help we need as they just don't see the work (with a few exceptions).

I think your mum was just being honest and there is nothing wrong in that.

If I had had nieces and nephews I wouldn't have bothered as you do lose a helluva lot of freedom. My son has always been a challenge in one way or another though. He is now 15 which isn't the easiest especially during lockdown nightmare and money stress.

I think on the other hand having just one child is nice as you do fit in more with society. I have been a single parent since ds was 5 months old as I prefer making my own decisions and am jaded when it comes to relationships. However you definitely don't fit in when it comes to being a single parent. So you have to factor that possibility in also when weighing up the pros and cons. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I think your mum is wise.

I’ve been married a very long time. We love each other deeply but life is stressful and challenging a lot of the time. I’ve made many sacrifices for us and if I was to go back in time I’m not sure I’d do so again. At the bare minimum I’d not sacrifice my career again, and I’d be more assertive about what I wanted. I do know that if anything was to happen to us I would not marry again.

We don’t have kids- that was a no brainer for both of us. I would never have got into a relationship with someone who wanted kids - being a parent just looks like a miserable existence a lot of the time.

I mean.. she is not wrong about the kids bit to be fair. Though I think once kid is manageable. i got sucked into the "giving them a sibling" shit and now I'm fucking exhausted and sick of my own voice.

Look, the stuff of value in this life is the stuff that you've put love and work into.

Don't have pets, it's too hard, too much work.
Don't run a business, it's too hard, too much work.
Don't travel, it's too hard, too much work.
Don't make a quilt, it's too hard, too much work.

Anything worthwhile has love and work attached.

Better advice from your mum would be:
Don't compromise on who you marry and who you have kids with.
Learn to communicate assertively about what you want
Know enough about your own values to know when compromise is acceptable to you and when it is not.

being a parent just looks like a miserable existence a lot of the time

Absolutly untrue. It is a joy most of the time and a pain in the arse some of the time.

Yeah this is too. I do love the little toads. They bring me joy. Mostly stress but some joy

I don't think I'd want a life without them, but i fo fantasise about it sometimes

'Yes, if you want an easy life, she is right. But an easy life isn't everything.'

This.

I also agree with talking this through with someone - there are also emotional implications for you in her having said this. ScubaSteven's post is spot on.

It's your life, not your mum's. Sounds like she has some issues. I've got 3 boys and being a mum makes me more happy than anything.

Ignore her. Forge your own path.

My dad always said "never, ever get married". I did get married, and we're very happy after almost two decades.

is an easy, comfortable and stress-free life what you want?

certainly it is true that having kids is a lot of work and a lot of stress at times, it is also wonderful and joyful in many ways.

humans tend to do difficult things for the sheer joy of having done them, when they could just not bother. the achievements of climbing Mount Everest or going to the south pole are nothing compared to the achievement of growing an entire new human being and nurturing them to becoming adults who can contribute to the next chapters of human history after you.

I would certainly be a bit more cautious about marriage and children if I had my time again. it is very easy to unintentionally fall into very old-fashioned gender stereotype roles and do permanent damage to your earning power. it takes a lot of conscious effort and commitment to equality from both partners to keep things balanced. certainly if there is any chance you might reduce your working hours, or decide not to pursue promotion opportunities, while the other parent has no such constraints, then marriage is a good idea as it legally ties your financial futures together. but I suspect it is better to commit right at the start to share out the burdens of childcare and take the career-hit equally, and maintain parity, and not get married. probably only works if you start with two people with very similar earning power and career trajectories - and in reality I am sure that there are many couples who think they are both committed to that ideal when pregnancy is first being considered, but then in practice it turns out that you have fallen onto the well-trodden pathways of the woman sacrificing her career and earning potential while the man feels he can make decisions on the premise that childcare is sorted and someone else's problem. and if that happens you do want to have been married already.

I am married and I have 4 kids and pregnant with my 5th. I'm very happy and feel very fulfilled. I work from home and so I find the balance easy. I do get time to myself even just an hour for a bubble bath , I can either leave my eldest to put on frozen for everybody while I have a nice soak in the tub. Or my husband is happy to watch the kids. Lately I've been really poorly with morning sickness and every time I eat I actually have to go live down. And my husband is pretty much there with the kids making everyone happy and making sure everyone has ate and playing games with them.
Not everyone has this. But who is saying you wont. Not every marriage is perfect. Everyone has their down days. But I couldn't live without my family. I'd die if I didn't have my husband. We are very close and best friends.

Yes I am always busy with housework and running round after little ones but my eldest ones chip in woth chores and tbh I love having a big family. I had a really horrible childhood and I want to have the complete opposite for my family.

If you want to marry and have children that's awesome. Even if you just want one kid or two, that's your choice. Your mum wants the best for you. All mums do but at the end of the day it your choice what you want to do with it. What degree you want to get, what career you want to have, do you want to settle down and have a baby , do you want to drive and so on. It's all upto you.

Wish you all the best

A final thought - is she trying to keep you close, closing off your life choices so you stay with her. I may be doing her a mis-service, but worth thinking about

This. Is your mum controlling in other ways? Does she want you to be round her, to look after her feelings, to focus on her needs?

Even if she doesn't do any of those things she has no right to influence you in such an important area of your life. People are different. They feel differently about the same experiences. Having children is expensive, hard work and at time a thankless task. It's also fun, rewarding, introduces you to things you'd never do without them, gives you a completely different kind of love and desire to nurture them.

You maybe need to separate a bit from your mum. Work out what it is you want in your life. Tbh she sounds a bit selfish. Being a good parent means encouraging your children to work out what they want not telling them what's best for them.

It's your life - not your mums.

I think she is being really unfair as having children is such a personal decision, no one else can know what's right for you.

Its fine to give advise like "kids are a lot of work, don't have them if you don't want to, if you do choose your partner carefully". But constantly saying you shouldn't have children, how would she know? Does she have a crystal ball for the future?

Being child free is a great life choice, but so if having children if that's what you want. I'm sorry your mum regretted her choice but that's not your problem really.

It's obviously completely your decision to make, you make the choice that feels right for you. But, your Mother is right, being a mother, working in employment, working in the home, expectations, judgement, stress, lack of personal time, often being last in the queue, that's part of what you sign up for.

I think she’s just trying to prevent you from getting hurt so she means well but it’s not good advice. You can’t live your life through someone else’s experiences. It doesn’t work that way. You could meet someone you adore,get married,having amazing children and live happily ever after. You may also meet someone who’s a complete git and makes you miserable but that’s life. If you set out with a plan the chances of it working out will be very slim. You have to take chances. If you don’t life will be very boring

Forget what she says and make your decision through the normal channels (introspection, reading, discussion with partner if/when you have one).

And yes I hundred per cent agree with previous posters about making sure you marry someone that is going to be an equal partner and learning assertiveness skills to make sure this happens from day one.

Your mother is being completely honest with you.

It is not easy raising children or being married, she is trying to ensure you go into both with your eyes wide open. I would say she loves you very very much, but maybe she felt alone and struggled alot in the earlier day and wants better for you.

I have 2 dds, and I have been truthful with them. Once you have children your life will never ever be the same, I have explained the enormous responsibilities of bringing life into the world, I have asked them to think about how they will manage alone financially, emotionally if they found themselves separated or divorced with children that this needs thinking through well before the arrival of children. I have also explained that love is all well and good but it won't pay the bills, they need to think carefully before marrying anyone that is not together emotionally/professionally/financially etc. They both have self worth, and this is extremely important when it comes to making life decisions. As it is they can care for themselves easily, I will be encouraging total independence both travelling and living alone, learning to manage their lives properly.

So I disagree with other posts to ignore your mother, it is your life and you get to make every decision for your yourself 100% of course, but being fully informed about the REALITY versus some of the myths will ensure, in my view, that you do not fall into motherhood or marriage by accident/mistake is good advice.

If you are entering marriage it needs to be done on a purely equal basis. All housework/cooking/mental load automatically divided up from the very beginning.
Before you start having children work out 50/50 childcare arrangements, and don't allow the expectation that your professional work will be automatically be sacrificed.
Ensure you have your finances worked out in a way that does not depend on you staying married if you are unhappy, from the very beginning.
Do not settle for the kind of man that will drain you dry in any area of life, you are better off on your own. He needs to be an asset to your life or he isn't worth having.
Keep hold of your own identity/dreams and aims whatever happens, you lose a sense of these, then antidepressants won't be far behind.

Look op, having children is extremely hard work - and extremely rewarding in equal measure. When the time comes, if it comes and you decide to go for it, do so from a place of knowledge, care and on your own terms.

I must admit that I’ve told my oldest not to get married, but that’s because I’ve been dreaming of being independent and not wanting to live with my husband anymore.
I wouldn’t not have kids ever, and I’m sorry that I went along with what hubby wanted and didn’t have a fourth. That’s a regret that I will have to live with and will forever hold against him.
Yes, kids can be hard work, but I wouldn’t be without mine. They enrich your life.
Marriage ? That’s a hard one
On the one hand I’m now entitled to half his pension, but marriage is emotionally and financially hard to get out of. Neither of us are the person we married 25 years ago, we all change. I can safely say that I would never get married again, there’s no need to.

My dm told me exactly the same. She had five of us and repeatedly told us we had ruined her life @mintjulia, out of interest did anyone ever ask her why she had five children if she hated it so much?!

@pigeon999

Your mother is being completely honest with you.

It is not easy raising children or being married, she is trying to ensure you go into both with your eyes wide open. I would say she loves you very very much, but maybe she felt alone and struggled alot in the earlier day and wants better for you.

I have 2 dds, and I have been truthful with them. Once you have children your life will never ever be the same, I have explained the enormous responsibilities of bringing life into the world, I have asked them to think about how they will manage alone financially, emotionally if they found themselves separated or divorced with children that this needs thinking through well before the arrival of children. I have also explained that love is all well and good but it won't pay the bills, they need to think carefully before marrying anyone that is not together emotionally/professionally/financially etc. They both have self worth, and this is extremely important when it comes to making life decisions. As it is they can care for themselves easily, I will be encouraging total independence both travelling and living alone, learning to manage their lives properly.

So I disagree with other posts to ignore your mother, it is your life and you get to make every decision for your yourself 100% of course, but being fully informed about the REALITY versus some of the myths will ensure, in my view, that you do not fall into motherhood or marriage by accident/mistake is good advice.

If you are entering marriage it needs to be done on a purely equal basis. All housework/cooking/mental load automatically divided up from the very beginning.
Before you start having children work out 50/50 childcare arrangements, and don't allow the expectation that your professional work will be automatically be sacrificed.
Ensure you have your finances worked out in a way that does not depend on you staying married if you are unhappy, from the very beginning.
Do not settle for the kind of man that will drain you dry in any area of life, you are better off on your own. He needs to be an asset to your life or he isn't worth having.
Keep hold of your own identity/dreams and aims whatever happens, you lose a sense of these, then antidepressants won't be far behind.

Look op, having children is extremely hard work - and extremely rewarding in equal measure. When the time comes, if it comes and you decide to go for it, do so from a place of knowledge, care and on your own terms.

Fantastic advice.

I agree. I probably wouldn't have had kids. It's a thankless task. My Dh is lovely, he's a diamond. But a lot of it still falls to me, the parents evenings, getting that mufti day outfit. Ds's are quite self entitled and don't realise the effort I put into keeping things ticking over.
Mind you, the montony of trying to decide on what to eat this week: and then we end up having spaghetti and meatballs, and steak pie with 3 steamed veg, yet again, is enough to drive anyone to the madhouse?

I tend to think women who try to control or plan their children’s adult lives out & decide what is best for them are miserable, narcissistic people. She loves you but may see you as an extension of herself, so cannot fathom why you would have a different opinion on this issue, or feel insulted by her comments, or that you’d actively want to choose a different life than to what she recommends for you.

...and am saying that as a childfree identifying 38 year old with no plans for kids. So while I can have sympathy for your mother, still don’t approve of her saying such things to you.

Another poster says it well - she warns her girls to think carefully about marriage and kids. But she is not telling them don’t do it.

M