My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

My mum told me when I was little to never have a baby as I couldn’t stand the pain.
She said this to me more than once. She also implied I was too selfish to put a childs needs above my own. Her words stayed with me and I thought giving birth must be so bad I wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain of giving birth.
I didn’t have children until I was in my late 30’’s I was stressed before and during the whole pregnancy worrying about this. It turned out I had two natural labours, the first was extremely long and I managed on a paracetamol with both (as I didn’t want to harm my babies).
In my mums case I think she was trying to be a bit superior and as though she was somehow better than me as I was too selfish to have kids. She pretty much stayed away when my children were born preferring to focus on my sister who whinged about how hard it was all the time. Now my DC are teens.
In your case I think your mum is right in that kids cost an enormous amount of money, but they bring you so much joy and you would do anything for them.
If you have a good husband then marriage is definitely worthwhile.

They are as expensive as you want them to be

Sorry but this is such hogwash.

My mum told me repeatedly "don't have children you're not the type" from quite a young age....as she got older and I hadn't had children this morphed to "I'm glad you haven't had children, you'll be able to look after me in my old age". Beware of your mother's motivations!!

I still don't and won't have kids given I'm knocking 50, and part of that I think can be attributed to my mother and my relationship with her; she wasn't a natural mother herself and I think she really struggled with it, these days I suspect she wouldn't have had children but in those days it was just what you did. My experience of being mothered did in a way put me off being one as she made it seem like such hard work and no joy, it was a job full of resentment for her it felt, and subconsciously I worried it might be the same for me.

I'm married, I'm happy, my life doesn't feel empty without children, but given my time again knowing what I know now I think I would have got myself to counselling at a younger age to try and unpick how I felt; I knew a baby in my forties when I met DH wasn't right for me, but I do regret not choosing the right relationships to have children when I was younger, and I'm envious of my friends starting to become grandparents and having lovely relationships with their adult DCs.

My father advised me and my sister when we were around 8 and 7 not to get married or have children. Instead he said we should focus on our education and career. We are now 40 and 39 and have never been married or have children. We both very happy and have the freedom to what we want when we want and don’t regret not getting married or having children.

I disagree with her. Whatever life you choose, you are compromising the other choices. I had a very lively, fun career which involved a lot of world travel before I had DC. I missed it a lot and might go back to it (if they'll still have me ) now DC are almost adult.

But for years while I loved my career, I felt physically sick with longing for a child. Having DC was very hard work at first but it's also been the best thing I have ever done in my life, beyond doubt. The best fun too. I love all the childish stuff you get an excuse to do all over again when you have DC.

As PPs have said, the secret to being happy is to be really choosy about your man. Make sure you marry someone who doesn't devalue you once you have children and have to stay at home or drop to PT work. Someone who pulls his weight at home. You can tell - if they enjoy being pampered by you but rarely or never return the compliment, or 'expect' you to do certain things for them because you have no penis, or must have your undivided attention while they mansplain or opine, or are jealous of your friends, or dismissive of your choices, opinions, ideas etc, or think their hobbies deserve their full attention all weekend every weekend and you should just fit in with their schedule, then they will be rubbish partners for raising DC. (And also rubbish if you don't want children.)

You can tell - if they enjoy being pampered by you but rarely or never return the compliment, or 'expect' you to do certain things for them because you have no penis, or must have your undivided attention while they mansplain or opine, or are jealous of your friends, or dismissive of your choices, opinions, ideas etc, or think their hobbies deserve their full attention all weekend every weekend and you should just fit in with their schedule, then they will be rubbish partners for raising DC. (And also rubbish if you don't want children.)

This is a brilliant summary of what not to look for in a man monkeyonthetable. All women should be taught about it before getting into long term relationships.

Porcupineinwaiting

Of course children are as expensive as you want them to be.

If you dress them in designer outfits and funnel them into expensive activities and private school they are going to be more expensive than if you dress them in Primark or from eBay, they do free activities and go to the local state school.

It’s not her life, do what you want to do. I am married, 26yrs, two DS 19 & 17, no regrets whatsoever. Best thing I ever did.

My mum on the other hand, been married 4 times, constantly cheats, awful acid tongued, jealous person, been NC now for many years, she would be the last person on earth to go to for relationship or parenting advice!

Your mother sounds horribly controlling, surely you can see that.

I’ve got two aunts who have never married or had kids, they’ve both had wonderful careers and have lovely houses and go on expensive holidays that they wouldn’t have been able to afford if they had kids. And that’s great, they’re happy with their choices but it wasn’t for me, I’d rather have an ok career, nice enough house and a week in Spain once a year and have my children.

Think about when your 65-70, will you look back and regret not having children or will it not bother you?

It's your life to live, not your mother's to dictate to. She obviously didn't enjoy being a mother. Are you close? Did she have many children? Single mother/bad marriage/little support?

Do what you want. All experiences of a situation are different. Saying that you may or may not want to have children, totally up to you not for your mother to give a skewed one sided view.

being a parent just looks like a miserable existence a lot of the time it is.

I wouldn't do it again if I had my time over. I absolutely love my kids, but it is hard work, and I don't find it particularly rewarding.

There is so much pressure to meet Mr Right, get married, have children that it's refreshing to hear some alternative voices. Every woman should forge her own path - and if she that is marriage and kids or any kind of alternative lifestyle- then she should do that on her own terms.

OP's DM isn't dissing her at all. I adore my clever, confident, funny DDs and I'd be quite happy if they chose to remain single and childless.

@pigeon999

Your mother is being completely honest with you.

It is not easy raising children or being married, she is trying to ensure you go into both with your eyes wide open. I would say she loves you very very much, but maybe she felt alone and struggled alot in the earlier day and wants better for you.

I have 2 dds, and I have been truthful with them. Once you have children your life will never ever be the same, I have explained the enormous responsibilities of bringing life into the world, I have asked them to think about how they will manage alone financially, emotionally if they found themselves separated or divorced with children that this needs thinking through well before the arrival of children. I have also explained that love is all well and good but it won't pay the bills, they need to think carefully before marrying anyone that is not together emotionally/professionally/financially etc. They both have self worth, and this is extremely important when it comes to making life decisions. As it is they can care for themselves easily, I will be encouraging total independence both travelling and living alone, learning to manage their lives properly.

So I disagree with other posts to ignore your mother, it is your life and you get to make every decision for your yourself 100% of course, but being fully informed about the REALITY versus some of the myths will ensure, in my view, that you do not fall into motherhood or marriage by accident/mistake is good advice.

If you are entering marriage it needs to be done on a purely equal basis. All housework/cooking/mental load automatically divided up from the very beginning.
Before you start having children work out 50/50 childcare arrangements, and don't allow the expectation that your professional work will be automatically be sacrificed.
Ensure you have your finances worked out in a way that does not depend on you staying married if you are unhappy, from the very beginning.
Do not settle for the kind of man that will drain you dry in any area of life, you are better off on your own. He needs to be an asset to your life or he isn't worth having.
Keep hold of your own identity/dreams and aims whatever happens, you lose a sense of these, then antidepressants won't be far behind.

Look op, having children is extremely hard work - and extremely rewarding in equal measure. When the time comes, if it comes and you decide to go for it, do so from a place of knowledge, care and on your own terms.

Bang on. I am advising my child /children to think very carefully. My marriage was not equal -he spouted all the right things before marriage but as soon as marriage was over and done with -his life was his life. His hobbies his hobbies and I was left with a career better than this but not supported at all and doing all of the children and their care and then looking after the house on top. No matter how much I tried -got a cleaner and stuff. Him and his family saw cooking etc to be my responsibility. I'm raising all our children on my own -it doesn't bother him. He gets the life he dreamed of kids -but not often. Limited money responsibility -he gives me the CSA allowance and he wants to play disney dad. As a result the elder ones -now don't want to see him. Has it limited my career -massively. I have children -he doesn't for work only plays when he wants. My brother divorced and they have the children one week on and one week off -that seems much fairer. But in my experience in divorce women focus on the children and men the money. For my eldest -I'm in a position where they will have a good "monetary" advantage -house etc after university so yes, I urging caution. Why marry? Protect your assets at all times -that is the only thing my ex didn't do. So he brought the house etc and we had children. Fortunately for me I had a career and could buy him out -his inheritance that he had put into the house halved. So my advice to mine is protect what is yours. Head not heart. If you are not married -fair easier on many levels to detach (no expensive divorce). I would advice any couple to sit down having taken indep legal advice and decide what they think is fair and sign documents to that effect. A friend here built a life for 20 years, she didn't want to get married he did. Two children. House in his name. He left. She was buggered. He sold the house -her dream house but he had always paid the mortgage. She consulted a solicitor and then another -entitlement nothing. I want my children to have their own money and their own careers. But yes, if I gave them a house when they are 18 (which is the plan) and they got married and lost half to their ex-I would not be happy that my gift to them was taken away. It's very difficult from what I have seen -although not impossible - to find a partner that is 50/50 on all levels.Affairs happen -it's great to think 'love conquerors all' it doesn't. Likewise I can't understand people who say 'I'm 30 /35/40 insert age and I'm in a good place career wise and I want a baby and I can't find Mr Right or my partner's not sure about children or has changed his mind' -knowing what I now know- do it on your own. Move to an area where you have support (Parents etc if you get on well with them) and just do it -on your own.

Your mother is talking out of bitterness about her own life choices. I don’t see why you would consider letting them dictate yours.

My mother tried to persuade me not to go to university on a scholarship, and had very different ideas about what constituted an acceptable life for a woman, because her manta is ‘men are more important’ and ‘don’t ever get ideas above your station’.

Fortunately, it never occurred to me to obey these.

Having kids has been the best thing I ever did, I love them more than I ever thought I could BUT I worry for their future with the way the world is, its not a nice place really is it.
She advised you not to marry, why marry specifically? Marriage is no different technically to a long term relationship, there is always divorce.
Make your own decisions op, if something feels right then do it.

You can tell - if they enjoy being pampered by you but rarely or never return the compliment, or 'expect' you to do certain things for them because you have no penis, or must have your undivided attention while they mansplain or opine, or are jealous of your friends, or dismissive of your choices, opinions, ideas etc, or think their hobbies deserve their full attention all weekend every weekend and you should just fit in with their schedule, then they will be rubbish partners for raising DC. (And also rubbish if you don't want children.)

This is a good summary. I would add, expects a massive amount of praise for doing very basic things like dishes or laundry. These men then expect to be treated like heroes for changing a nappy or taking their child to the park. It gets very wearing.

Life isn't boring or dull just because some choose not to have the typical life of being born, going to school, get married and have kids.

Society puts too much pressure on that is how life is and if you don't fall into line then your life us boring, dull and lonely.

I get immense pressure from my mum to get married and have a kid because that is what life is about. Being Indian it's even more pressure than the usual. I've been introduced to guys, met them and sorry but they are the typical indian man who is still a mummy's boy and everything falls down to the woman to do. I refuse to marry su h a guy and get so much flack from my mum saying I need to compromise

I think your mum is fine to give you that advice because it's TRUE. I've been on the fence about having kids and seeing my sister have one it makes me even more cautious, am I really ready to have a child constantly wanting my attention, ot will be relentless, is my career in a place where I am happy enough to have to sacrifice any further promotion for a while...

There are benefits too but it's not all rose tinted glasses life. It's not like in the movies.

That's a bit hurtful considering you're her kid!

I've always taken care to say "If you decide to have kids when you're older..." to my own children. Whereas my mum always said "When you have kids of your own..."

Get some counselling to help you separate your thoughts and feelings from your mum's before you do anything else.

For me, being a mum is both the most fulfilling and the hardest thing I've ever done. I can see the superficiality and emptiness of the way I lived my life pre dcs and I love them more than i've ever loved anyone. I'm 100% in, whereas I was just skimming the surface of life before.

Depends on the quality and quantity of input from your spouse. I saw friends have an easy time with a committed spouse and others living under a mountain of shite and working round the clock, knackered and angry because of a lack of input from their spouse.
Depends on the child also.
Only you can decide.

What a thing to decide and actually verbalise to your own child!
Unless you are extremely and solely focused on having a hugely successful career, or wanting a completely contrasting life to what a settled family would entail - such as living in the middle of a big city in a tiny one bedroom apartment with dinner and socialising every hour of the week you aren't working, or travel dreams every other month to exotic places... Then thats a pretty blanket statement to make.

Or maybe she knows you shy away from 'hard work' and just want an easy life with no pressure or expectations on you? Children and a family is hard work yes, and a mammoth responsibility. And they do tent to come with a lifestyle of needing stability, a base, and constant financial demands. But personally I wouldn't be without them for a second. My family gives my life meaning and purpose, and when I'm old and lived my life, I hope I won't spend my last days alone.

Through my work I come into contact with elderly people who have nobody. They never got married, never had children, siblings are long gone etc... And they've been this way for 20 years. Hopefully most of them will have been well enough to enjoy friendships and their social life for much of this time. But that just feel SO shallow and hollow and lonely to me.

But you know you best. If you want absolute freedom to live your life and dictate the path you take with employment and opportunities you might not so readily get with a family tagging along... Then go for it. The no husband advice I find extremely odd. Maybe just don't commit too soon, and find the right one in that case?!

Depends on three things imo.

Money

Support

Type of child you have

Also 'having children' is a finite process, they grow up and leave home. It's only a part of your life, a very rich and multi faceted one too, it's not all grind and toil

It was considered unlikely by family I'd end up having kids - and I do think there may have been some expectations about my life role in there - but I've been very happy being a mother.

There are down times, they do take up a huge amount of time and money and fewer you have and the more support/resources you have easier it's going to be but I find overall it's been worth it for me.

Turns out I chose well with DH which helps a lot.

My life and my experinces aren't anyone else's and I know some mothers who even with loads of support and only one child wished they'd not had one.

I'ms sure there was survey recently that said parents of adult children were happier - than people who never had children as the children added to social connectivity. However that's not going to be universal as it depends on so many things.

Bascially having kids it a huge gamble.

Marraige is also one of those things that can make sense in certain circumstances - it's going to be unquie to the circustances and individuals.

basilly make your own choices in life - it's the only way.

@eatsleepread

I am a single parent to 3 wonderful girls. I have advised them to think very carefully before entering into marriage and kids. So often the woman ends up doing the lion's share of everything. I don't want my girls to have that life.

But if you're single then you do more than the lion's share. You do 100% of it and with far less money,