My mum advised me to never get married or have kids

[Lowlandsea]

Throughout my life my Mum has advised me to never marry or have kids.
If I want an easy life then not to bother. Having kids isn't what it's cracked up to be. My life will be over, it's constant stress, I won't get any time to myself and it's expensive.
I have always liked the idea of having kids but because of her advice, I've always had that at the back of mind. I've always trusted her judgment, is she just looking out for me? She knows me well, we're very close, is she trying to stop me making a mistake?

How old are you OP?
Sounds like your mum had a difficult time and is trying to warn you of the realities. Statistically unmarried women are happier and live longer whilst the opposite is true for men. I think there is some truth in what she says but obviously people's situations and life circumstances vary wildly. Do you feel able to have an in depth talk about why she feels this way? If I said this to my dd she would immediately question why I felt like this and we would have a full discussion. Sounds like she has just made a statement and you have accepted it blindly.

I think it's quite problematic to give this kind of "advice" as it does stay with you and could end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you married and had kids, every normal argument and frustration would have that little voice in your ear saying, "told you so".

My mother always told me never to be dependent on a man which was quite good advice, although there have been times in my marriage when one of us has certainly leaned on the other so I haven't kept to it completely.

We all have to make our own mistakes and also our own discoveries in life. For me personally, the joys of parenthood far outweigh the struggles, but I am under no illusion that this is true for everyone.

@BoomBoomsCousin

Don't listen to people trying to poison your relationship with your mother just because she was honest with you about how much work it felt like to her. Lots of women wish they hadn't made the choices they did or the situations they end up in. It doesn't mean they don't love their children, just that they recognise that it's not been the experience for them that it is often sold as.

Nevertheless, you shouldn't let your mum's advice make a decision like this for you. It's worth listening to, especially if you generally find her to be good at evaluating long term life choices. But she shouldn't be the only input you consider.

Lately, surveys generally show that childless, unmarried women are happier, wealthier and live longer than married women with children. However, there is more to life than happiness and most mothers will tell you it's the best thing and well worth doing.

If you think you might want children spend some time with friends with children. Offer to babysit and take them for trips out and see if you enjoy them at their best. Then try looking after them for longer and not necessarily anywhere special. See if you get something out of it that feels meaningful in a way you need and can't get elsewhere. If you don't I would warn you that it really is a lot of work and our culture is really not supportive. If you have a life you kind of like now then you too may end up thinking it would have been best not to have done it from an objective perspective, even though you love your kid and want only the best for them.

Absolutely this ^ Also I think the first line of your post is just what she intended “if you want an easy life” - I don’t think it’s an opinion based on you, just on (getting married and) having kids

Think about this.. your mum is telling you that you are hard work and she shouldn’t have bothered. What a horrible thing to say. Sounds like she wants to keep control of you and not let you go off, be an adult who makes her own decisions and have a family leaving her out in the cold.

Having a husband and children is sometimes hard work but it is the most lovely rewarding thing about my life. Yes I could have had an easy life on my own not worrying about anyone else but that wasn’t what I wanted and that is entirely my decision- not what my mum told me to do.

This is your life though ,not your Mums! You may have a completely different experience to her .Im guessing maybe shes a single Mum to you ? Just because she found it difficult doesnt mean you will .I would look into some Counselling maybe to lessen any dependency on her and her views!

I love being a mum, wife. I’ve been married 30 years. I haven’t found it hardwork, I had one child and then didn’t have another one until 14 years later. I have travelled the world twice with husband and first child. We’ve had some wonderful holidays with second child as well. The reason I only had one child at a time is so I could always work, if anything happened in my marriage I could always support myself. I don’t understand people have more than 2 children, if you’re left on your own and it is nearly always the women who are single parents, over 90% are women, would you manage?

I say the same to my DD, and my DSs.
The biological urge to have a baby was powerful and overwhelming each time, and I know it sounds trite, having had them, to just say "don't" but if I had honestly known how it would be, I would never have had children.
I honestly hope my children, edit DD never have any. I'd rather they had lives.

İ have 4 and am married. Not going to lie. My life isnt all sweet smelling roses. And yes there's a crap ton of things i can't do or couldn't do or won't do. But that's not important to me. Depends what you want from life

Some of the things your mum says are actually true. Kids do drain your energy, cost a fortune and from now on they will come first for you. You worry about them, even when grown up, they drive you mad when they mess the house up just after you have cleaned it and your relationship with your partner will be different.. However they also can bring great joy and the messy house and tiredness thing is temporary and the hours of fun we had with our children and now grandchildren and family holidays rank up the top of our special moments to remember. I never regretted having children but I know some do so maybe that is where your mum is coming from especially having so many.

Only you can decide whether having a family is something important to you and no one says it is easy but some of us do it anyway. I would say you can minimise the money issues , tiredness etc by choosing the right partner, a husband and father who steps up and maybe waiting until you are relatively financially secure before starting a family and perhaps limiting the number of kids you have. I would struggle with five so we stopped at 2.

I think that’s a horrible thing for your mum to say to you. Indirectly, she’s saying she regrets her marriage and children. Sad for her as well.

Maybe marriage and kids isn’t the easiest of life and can be hard work at times.. Doesn’t make it wrong. Don’t let her opinion put you off. Lead the life you want, and don’t feel guilty if you take the marriage/kids route. Do what’s right for you, not for her.

it's a bit insulting to you as her daughter. After all she had you - is she saying you were a mistake?

NO, it's not. She loves her daughter so much she wants her to not struggle. Not an insult in anyway.

A woman who accidentally gets pregnant at 14 may well remind her daughter to be careful so she doesn't also get pregnant at 14. It's not because they child wouldn't be loved but because it's really not "ideal".

OP. I hope my children don't have children. The human race is doubling and food shortages and climate change are real. I don't want them to feel fear that would come with that combined with parenthood, but that's because I love them so much and I think it would be horrendous to have to live through as a parent.

As for marriage, it's a useful legal document if you are going to have children, but really a bit of a pain in the arse if you aren't.

Also the whole world tells you to have babies, to the point that some women go ahead and do that without considering if they actually want them first. Think it's mighty useful for a parent to be there saying, hmmm they're alright but...

There are a small number of people who think like she does, and a small number at the opposite end of the spectrum who think that the void left by having no kids would be impossible to fill. Most people are between those two extremes. Do not let your dm's place on that spectrum influence where you sit -it's entirely up to you to know how you would feel about it.
What I would say is no-one has a societal obligation to have kids, thank God. You are totally free to choose your path.

I am retired now. I got a shock when, with 2 teen DCs and a husband always working away that my life of constant work was the opposite of my brother-in-laws (unmarried no kids) which was one of constant self indulgence. That he could actually watch what HE wanted each night on the tele, that he could eat, drink, shop for whatever, whenever he liked.
He is still in this position, also older and retired, but now I am too . But I have my 2 DCs who are my friends as well as my children and my gorgeous 3 DGCs who are fun and a pleasure to see.
Who's the lucky one now??

My DM was quite upfront about the costs of marriage and motherhood. When I was a teenager, she'd point out research that would show how married women were demonstrably more unhappy than married men and why that might be, she'd talk about the sheer volume of effort in raising a child and how if you have more than two children you may as well have ten because you won't be going anywhere.

So, of course I am married and I have three children But that advice didn't fall on deaf ears. Before I was even out of the dating gate, I understood the value of a good partner in a far more tactical way than is usual for a girl. When it came to having children, that advice brought pause for thought and allowed for an informed decision. (Or so I thought, there real is no real way to explain the material reality of the volume of care required to raise children and the unintended consequences that follow)

For me, getting married and having children has been a blast and I wouldn't alter a thing but I can see how another woman with a different experience in different set of circumstances might tell her daughter to avoid the whole thing out of pure kindness.

I think most people instinctively would crave a family eventually. I had my first at 24 and I wish I'd waited until my 30's and got a decent career first. Oh and picked a decent man. I'm stuck with no career, two kids and frazzled and lonely. Lockdown almost finished me off. I'm going to advise both my boys to wait until they're older to have kids - late 20's, 30's, def a good, reliable job first... but then they'll probably do the opposite!

That's really unkind for your mum to say that OP.

Not only is she backhandedly saying she didn't want you, she is also setting herself up to judge and shame you if you do have children. You can imagine when you ring her for help or advice she could take the opportunity to stick the boot in and crow about being proved right.

Without a bit more context it's hard to say exactly what her motives were in saying that though.

*I'm stuck with no career, two kids and frazzled and lonely. Lockdown almost finished me off.

I can really relate to that @Straycatstrut . The aching loneliness is sometimes unbearable (am divorced with three teens and currently out of work, but normally work in admin which would not be my preference).

I definitely agree with the setting up career thing first.

Sorry bold fail it was meant to be

I'm stuck with no career, two kids and frazzled and lonely. Lockdown almost finished me off.

@Bluemoooon the way you phrased “who’s the lucky one now” is something I want to highlight > Why does it have to be that you win & your brother in law has “lost” as you perceive it? Why are you luckier than him? That’s good you enjoy your grown kids & grandkids, but perhaps he enjoys his peaceful life. It doesn’t make you lucky, it’s just a different path.

I find the assumption that having children is a guarantee to not be lonely in your old age to be problematic. Loneliness is a state of mind. Children can grow up & move away, decide to not have kids, experience infertility. There is no guarantee of grandchildren, or that your grown kids will “take care of you when you’re old.”

People can find gratification from all kinds of social interaction. The assumption that people who do not have children are automatically lonely is naive at best & arrogant at worst.

As highlighted here, feeling like you “won” and are “luckier” because grandkids sounds like trying too hard to convince yourself of it. People who are genuinely happy do not get caught up in others’ lives & comparing themselves to others because they are too busy being happy & content.

Loneliness is not something I suffer from & am deeply grateful for that. But as a kid was such a bookworm & always raking myself off to a quiet place for solitude.

I think most people instinctively would crave a family eventually

That really was not my experience, I had no urge whatsoever to have children, and never have. I decided to try motherhood because my dh was so desperate to have a child. Of course I love them more than life itself, but in no way whatsoever have I ever 'craved' to have children. I craved many things over the years, but babies were not one of them.

From the people I know the happiest people I know are single parents.

My mother told me the same thing so I avoided having children till I was in my late 30s.
I wish I had started sooner it is one of my biggest regrets as I really enjoy having my children.
They are as expensive as you want them to be and you can make it stressful if you impose loads of rules and regulations (some of the parents I knew it made my head spin trying to understand the regulations they imposed) you worry for them but you get so much more back

My dc are now adult and I have 2 best friends

Dh’s if you pick the right one will add to your life and make it easier

Husbands though you can get rid of (hence why the single parents are the happiest people I know)

I really wish people would stop saying that the OP's mother didn't want her . You have no way of knowing that. I'd assume exactly the opposite. I want my children to have an easy life because I like them. I'm not going to start pouncing on them to make me a nana the second they hit puberty like so many parents do because I prioritise my needs. I had a strong biological urge to have children so no one telling me not to would have made a difference, but if I were on the fence and shown the honest realities of parenthood I probably wouldn't have made that choice.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS too right.

She sounds lovely. "Sorry to have been such a disappointment to you, mum, I'm off. Bye" then do what you want to do instead of what she wants you to do.

There are ways and means of making it more enjoyable and less stressful to have children. But it is a bit of a lottery when it comes to your mental health. No one can know who will get ill after children or just how that will affect the rest of your life.

I love mine to bits and don't know where I would be without them but knowing what I know now I don't think I would have.