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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour upset my wife

213 replies

DaddyofMonsters · 14/06/2020 20:32

We’ve just moved into a new town and are renting a house while we find the right property to buy. We’ve been in three days and the next door neighbour came round while I was out walking the dog and harassed my wife into moving her car so he could park outside his house. It’s on street parking, no allocated spaces. He was aggressive and made my wife leave my 3 year old daughter sat on the wall outside while she moved the car. As I arrived back I just saw her parking up and going back in. I got the full story with tears inside and I was of course furious and ready to storm round and give him a few choice words. However, we’re only going to be here for 6 months while we buy and my wife begged me not to go confront him so AIBU to want to go explain exactly why he should not come and be rude to my wife while she’s alone with the kids?

OP posts:
carexfairex · 14/06/2020 22:46

Um the wife is the victim. She was 'harassed' and the perpetrator was 'aggressive'.

He went to her door and had a rant about her parking. She is not a victim. People need to stop placing women as victims over ridiculous situations. All she had to do was close the bloody door.

Barrett1 · 14/06/2020 22:46

Just leave it, it's not worth it. Some people have no manners

carexfairex · 14/06/2020 22:47

Some women are intimated when a bloke starts harassing them.

What so fucking odd people can’t get that?

The bit where she left the safety of her own house and sat her 3 year old alone on a wall.

stophuggingme · 14/06/2020 22:49

That bloke is a massive twat
Whe. Tho move it would be worth spending a bit of money on a spare car , tax it then park it right outside his house and leave it there.

It will finish him off

In the meantime never move your car for hm again unless an ambulance is involved. Don’t answer the door to him don’t engage.

People who turn into these horrors over parking are utterly tragic

Earinglady · 14/06/2020 22:53

@DaddyofMonsters

Right the consensus seems to be: 1. My wife needs to stand up for herself, which I agree with. 2. He’s a nob. Also agree and 3. Not to go round and make a scene as it will achieve nothing.
Or 4 just go round anyway, you don’t need make a scene but just say you that he’s mistaken as there’s no law against parking on the road and as such you will park where you/ she want
SoupDragon · 14/06/2020 23:02

It's strange. I've seen many posts on MN where the OP has been harassed by a man like this and posters have taken her side completely and said that "he wouldn't have done that if you were a man." 🤔

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/06/2020 23:04

Bollocks to not going round. I just bet he came round when he knew you werent there, men like that will back down fast in the face of a man who can punch his teeth down his throat (in his head) rather than a woman who is nothing (in his head).

Go anyway. Dont get stroppy just point out that if he attempts to intimidate your family again you will involve the authorities.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/06/2020 23:08

There is no victim. Bloody nonsense.

There would be even fewer victims if only more women would learn to restrict their own freedoms even more and not upset the poor little aggressive men who are only acting that way because they're 'determined' and 'driven' as to what they want and think should be theirs by rights Hmm

It would be lovely if aggressive, harassing people could all be psychologically assessed beforehand and have to wear a badge at all times to tell you what their limit would be e.g.: 1 = will frown at you from behind the net curtains; 2 = will just grumble at you in a PA way; 4 = will maliciously report you to the authorities but say nothing to you; 5 = will bellow angrily at the top of their voice but stop once they can see they've upset you; 7 = will come at you with bare fists but no weapon; 9 = will conceal a weapon and be fully prepared to use it; 10 = will stop at absolutely nothing to get what they want.... etc.

In the real world, though, you never know how far people will go. As for the advice to just shut your door on him and leave him seething and feeling he needs to make sure that 'a mere woman' doesn't best him and threaten his authority - that works if it's a car door and you race away, never to return, but it's not quite as fool-proof when they know full-well where you live and which car is yours to damage as they see fit. That damage could be keying or obscene graffiti or it could be cutting your brake cables - how can you possibly know?

LagunaBubbles · 14/06/2020 23:09

Aggressive man comes and demands a woman moves her car, probably having noted that hey partner had left and she was alone with a child, and most posters are blaming the victim for not attending up for herself?

Oh give over! Aggressive man or not you being able to not do anything you don't want to is a good skill in life. Especially if it involves putting your own child in danger, crazy!

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 14/06/2020 23:10

On street parking here too, and you don't always get to park outside your house even though it's nice when you do!
You just park where you can, sometimes we're practically halfway down the street Grin
He's being an utter knob, YANBU.
Although you'd be being just as big a knob too if you stormed round there to confront him, I'd be mortified if DH did that and a bit Hmm

B1rdbra1n · 14/06/2020 23:12

In the real world, though, you never know how far people will go
^ this!

Davespecifico · 14/06/2020 23:16

It can be hard to process and react assertively to something unexpected and aggressive. Posters should cut her some slack.
I suggest you both agree a strategy for when this happens again and I would park in front of his house at every opportunity. As annoying as it is to have someone park in front of your house, you don’t own the space and you don’t harass people for it.

Yankathebear · 14/06/2020 23:19

I don’t think you should go around ‘and explain’. I think you are both (neighbour and yourself) trying to look like big men sorting out a poor weak little lady.

Wearywithteens · 14/06/2020 23:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ellisandra · 14/06/2020 23:27

I would be raging at my wife.
So she felt intimidated and gave in and moved the car.
Fair enough! We can’t all stand up to others - doesn’t make her a bar person.
But fucking hell, she couldn’t strap a 3yo into the car seat whilst she did it?!!! She left her sat on a wall?!!!
Fucking hell, I would be so angry with her, o wouldn’t have time to be going to complain to the neighbours.

TheBigFatMermaid · 14/06/2020 23:28

I disagree with the '''Don't go round there'' comments. He needs to know she has back up, so can't be bullied again. The only way to deal with bullies is by standing up to them. He picked a time when he saw you were out to go and bully your wife!

Cailleach1 · 14/06/2020 23:42

How horrible for your OH. I think people are being very unfair. I think your family have had a lot going on and your OH was bounced into feeling she may have been in the wrong and reacting quickly without thinking. Thankfully, no harm done and it is a lesson to learn from going forward. If you are in charge of a child, that takes priority. I'm sure you and your OH know this, but the situation was aggressive. NDN sounds like an aggressive bully and it is a class in never letting these type of effers force you into reacting without thinking again.

Never act immediately to him again and use delay tactics. You are busy right now. You don't have keys right now, etc. etc. No dropped kerb, no issue. There is really no need for much, if any, interaction. Blank him, not confrontationally but don't take much notice.

I don't think going around will help right now. More to be prepared if he decides to try it on again. You could say you thought there was a dropped kerb, but see now that there isn't. You're only there temporarily though and he could have issues as well as being a f*cker..

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 14/06/2020 23:49

I disagree with the '''Don't go round there'' comments. He needs to know she has back up, so can't be bullied again

Ohh pfft, that comment annoys me! My immediate reaction to it is "I don't need to hide behind DH" not "I'll send him round to show I got a man to sort im out" I mean FFS Grin
The only way to deal with bullies is by standing up to them
Yes, I agree, but we can be assertive ourselves without doing a damsel in distress move for want of a better phrase!

ZuzusPetaIs · 14/06/2020 23:54

This man sounds just like an uncle of mine. I’ve known him to live in two places, both with general on-street parking, and he’s had big fall outs with several neighbours at both addresses. At his current address, he parks with his front tyres precisely in line with a drain - every time. He pretends not to understand the principle of it being a common road and, technically, anyone can park there. He rants on about things like needing to be able to see his car from the living room window in case anyone wants to steal it (😳) or he’ll accuse anyone of (normally innocently as they’re just visiting someone) of parking there to annoy him. I don’t see this uncle very often, but his rants are something to behold.

It’s difficult to know what advice to give you, esp since you’re only there short term. If it were me, I’d be politely advising him that you’re aware of what happened and it won’t be happening again, as a PP has said.

If this guy is like my uncle, then he’s one of these folk who are convinced that they have all sorts of rights that they don’t but, strangely, believe the opposite when it comes to the rights of others.

I’m just sorry you and your wife are having to deal with all this crap, particularly given everything else that’s going on.

Threekindmice · 14/06/2020 23:58

Some of the posters on this thread really seem to enjoy being mean. OP, I feel for your wife. It can be incredibly difficult to stand up to an aggressive person - male or female - and even more so when accompanied by your young child. I would imagine keeping the peace and not causing anxiety to your daughter was her main priority at the time. It's hard if you've just moved house and don't know what the neighbours are like. Caution is advisable until you have established all of the facts.

safclass · 15/06/2020 00:07

Totally agree with you!!
Aggressive strange men are difficult enough to deal with never mind when you've got your 3yr old to take into consideration.
I'm 49 and I wouldn't tell any one to fuck off!

expat101 · 15/06/2020 00:08

People are being really weird since this lock down business started and combined with having multiple neighbours (tenants) living next door, it probably was the last straw for your neighbour.

I'm not saying he is right, I'm just saying there is some really odd stuff going on ATM and it's best ignored for now. If he continues on, then confront the silly git.

I would also mention it to the landlord or agent and see if there is past history esp. harrassment of tenants. It might be worth for them to know, it note it for future experiences.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/06/2020 00:11

Awful victim blaming on this thread. Some women really struggle to stand up to an overly aggressive man. I’m a perfectly confident person and I can think of a couple of surprise encounters with ridiculously angry men that have left me shaking. One was practically spitting at me, to the extent that some other nearby men intervened.

Is your wife usually good at dealing with this sort of thing OP? Is this out of character for her? I’d be guided by her; sometimes you can just tell that someone is an utter psycho and it’s safer to let it go.

Working out some strategies to deal with any future issues is a good idea. “I don’t have the keys”, is an excellent response.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/06/2020 00:43

He picked a time when he saw you were out to go and bully your wife!

Does he even have a car to park there? Did he come home just as she was parking up? if he was already at home, why wasn't his car parked there already? Or was he wanting to save it for his own wife or family member?

People are being really weird since this lock down business started and combined with having multiple neighbours (tenants) living next door, it probably was the last straw for your neighbour.

He's not the only one who has a right to live there, nor to be going through these pandemic restrictions and frustrations. What on earth do you mean by 'the last straw'? It's not people parking up on his own drive: it's a free-for-all space on a public road that he hoped to use - and luckily for him (possibly luck PLUS aggression), he gets to use this communal facility most of the time - but on this occasion, somebody else got there first.

If I have a favourite bench in my local park and go in the hope of using it one afternoon, but find it already occupied, would you say I was justified to get angry, approach the people sitting there and tell myself 'that's the last straw!'? It's exactly the same principle. If having no guaranteed parking is a deal-breaker for you and liable to make you obsessive and aggressive, you only ever consider houses with a private drive. Ditto the park scenario and a garden.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 15/06/2020 00:44

I'm 49 and I wouldn't tell any one to fuck off!

Neither would I, but equally I wouldn't want DH storming round there to "defend" me.