To say no?

[PieAllThePie]

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

YANBU. She needs to sort out arrangements for her part of the care. You are doing your bit.

You know what? There’s a pandemic on.

I’m not thrilled about the national debt we are going into in order to pay all the furlough costs, but I know it needs to be done and is the right thing to do in these weird times.

You’re benefiting from that. Maybe pay it forward by helping them out when you don’t have to?

Really BillBaileysBum? Is there a pandemic on? I hadn't realised?

I didn't know we were expecting people on furlough to earn their keep by providing full time childcare now?

Furlough or no furlough, my kids are my responsibility.

And furloughed employees are still paying tax. They are still 'paying in'.

And OP is doing childcare multiple days a week and online training the rest. She isn't just mum's nanny because she happens to be furloughed.

This is great though. I'll drop my kids off with my neighbour who's been off work on furlough tomorrow. I'll just tell her she's doing something to earn it, paying forward. I'm sure she'll be thrilled.

Yabu. I understand but you need to do this , you signed up for this when you took on your partner

And if you think furlough is a benefit I'd politely suggest you don't have a clue how stressful it actually is for a lot of people.

My best friend is furloughed. She's lost a big chunk of her income, has the possibility of redundancy looming over her constantly and is terrified.

But yeah, she's really benefitting

@maddy68

Yabu. I understand but you need to do this , you signed up for this when you took on your partner

No she doesn't and no she didn't.

By the same logic, Mum signed up to taking responsibility for childcare when she had children. Even if that means taking leave from work.

well does she have the alternative of paying for childcare? Many people do not have any childcare available to them at the moment.

Why is it always step parents who 'signed up for this' but never the actual parents 🤔

@AnnaNimmity

well does she have the alternative of paying for childcare? Many people do not have any childcare available to them at the moment.

The OP has already said they have been going to grandparents throughout lockdown.

And it's for mum and dad to sort this issue anyway.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

Why is it always step parents who 'signed up for this' but never the actual parents 🤔

Are you seriously not able to work this out for yourself?

Enlighten me.

Let me guess, because step parents come bottom of the pile always? Because they are supposed to hold themselves to standards that even biological parents aren't? Because they are never supposed to complain about anything or have an opinion, or struggle with any aspect of step parenting at all? Because they are supposed to just forget when mum has been a nob to them in the past as soon as she needs a favour and ask how high when she says jump? Because they are supposed to think about every single eventuality and possibility, including a pandemic, before they marry a man with children even when people don't expect the same of the children's parents?

I’ve been a step parent for 22 years. I’ve never been bottom of the pile. I can see if you have been it would make you so bitter.

@Alsohuman

I’ve been a step parent for 22 years. I’ve never been bottom of the pile. I can see if you have been it would make you so bitter.

Neither have I personally, but I've seen it plenty on here to know that lots of people think it and expect it of step parents. Step mothers in particular.

I think you were very much right to say no, OP.

It would be too much I think.

All I'm saying is I don't agree with the 'you signed up for this' trope because it's not true and people don't apply the same logic to the mother in this situation so why the OP?

She is doing her part, she is helping her husband. She isn't responsible for sorting childcare for the mother too, especially when she's not been nice to her in the past.

The mother actually said she didn't want OP playing family with her kids. Well now look...

So glad I don’t have a blended family.

I didn’t sign up to being childcare for his ex when I married DH. I didn’t marry her and I owe her absolutely nothing.

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

I didn’t sign up to being childcare for his ex when I married DH. I didn’t marry her and I owe her absolutely nothing.

Exactly.

I'm sure it'd be a nice offer but no one should be guilting OP or saying she 'has' to do this or she 'signed up for this'.

She doesn't have to do anything and she didn't sign up for this anymore than any of us did. She's doing her bit.

Who knows, maybe if the mother had been nicer she would have received a different response, although it still wouldn't have been OPs responsibility to do so.

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels
Exactly.

This idea that step mothers have a sworn responsibility to their step children is frankly hilarious and ridiculous to my mind.

The children have their parents, they are the ones that hold the responsibility.

Step parents have a responsibility to treat the children kindly and with respect, which is exactly how step parents should be treated.

Step parents are absolutely NOT duty bound to provide childcare.

I think it's extremely generous when they do.

If I was ever single I wouldn't go within a hundred yards of a man actively parenting young children.

Experience on MN means it invariably means you have most likely been recruited as unpaid skivvy, so the men can avoid the drudge of parenting that they most probably also avoided during their previous marriage.

The OP sounds very kind to help her husband out as it is.

They are NOT her children.
Made crystal cleaar to her by their mother's objection to her playing happy families with them.

I hope the OP's husband appreciates her contribution, I doubt it somehow.

How well the ex wife's partner hasn't been caught for any of this childminding🙄......of course he wouldn't, but then he's a man🙄

I’ve ticked that you are BU but only just. Totally empathise with your position and your response is normal and human. The primary responsibility for these kids is with their biological parents. However these are really shit times and your husband is in a bind. Yes it should be his Ex’s problem to sort but you’ve got it in your power to help and, given that we’re talking about your husband and step children, not some random kids off the street, I think that you should. It’s for a few weeks/couple of months, not the rest of your life. But don’t ever take even once ounce of shit from DH’s ex ever again. She will owe you big time.

Ahh just seen your decision to say no. Fair enough - you’re doing plenty for them already and your decision is completely reasonable.

Thanks all.

To be fair to the exes partner, he was doing her days prior to going back to work I understand.

Her parents often look after them during school holidays for her so they are used to looking after them. I imagine she will probably ask them.

He's not had a reply yet although the message is showing as read.

Good decision @PieAllThePie

Really glad to hear this. Don't be bullied into agreeing 👏