To say no?

[PieAllThePie]

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

I think you are quite right to not take on his children full time, that was not the marriage bargain, and being asked to do that presumes you are not busy or have your own work or training. I think that is disrespectful.
And please don't feel the need to make excuses, just a calm 'I'm sorry that doesn't work for me' is fine.
(I'm sure other child care options pale compared to having an unpaid childminder/tutor.)
A final thought, think carefully, if you start this arrangement it will be impossible to change later.)
I think your husband and his ex need to sit down together and make their own plans for their own children. I think you are being taken advantage of.

YANBU!!! Not your kids. She has go pay/find childcare on her days. You are already helping everyone by looking after them on your husbands days

OP,
You are doing enough.

I definitely don't think you should do it.

Utterly thankless job for someone who who won't appreciate it.

You are the step mother, these are NOT your children.

As it is you are married to someone who is happily using you for childcare.

The children have parents, they need to organise themselves.

Possibly help for a one off day.

The cheek of the two of them to be asking you for a 5 day week.

They have a right mug made of you.

Minding other people's children is a complete pain in the ass, thankless and hugely restrictive.

I wouldn't dream of doing it.

Their mother can't even be civil to you.

I have sych sympathy for step mothers, utterly thankless job.

Heartsonacake your user name should be HEARTSONASTAKE with that cold blooded comment for the poor OP

I agree with @Heartsonacake

There's nothing cold blooded about the truth

If you marry a man with children they become part of your family. If not, that makes for a pretty cold blooded SM.

And the OP has done her part. She is caring for the children on her husbands time.

The mother needs to source her own childcare. They are not one big family. They are two separate families.

YANBU

I’d do at least 3 days and a week and keep at least one day a week to myself for shopping walks online learning etc. So 1-2 days extra a week, and in deciding where in that range I fell I would factor in if the ex has also taken leave to look after her children. If she hasn’t and my dh has, where was she in offering to look after them on his days? She should be using her leave now.

If you marry a man with children they become part of your family. If not, that makes for a pretty cold blooded SM.

Except that they have another family too. And you didn’t join that one.

They might family but much more like nieces/nephews than your own children. You don’t get the kind of say in their lives you would if they were your children.

I'd offer to do it do be honest but only if the ex had absolutely exhausted all her options and there was no other options. This isnt a usual time, and it's not just a case of her taking the piss. Saying that, if I was the ex, I would be really grateful and dropping off a bag of food for the kids each week so you werent out of pocket (plus some goodies for you too!)

I would not do this. They’ve been visiting the mum’s parents so she can ask them to have them/sort a babysitter. Or mum take some leave like your partner had to.

Honestly I wouldn’t even want to do it to cover my DH’s days, so I think you’re going above and beyond for doing that!

Marrying someone with children doesn’t mean you are default unpaid babysitter.

You’re already doing some days and finding it understandably hard. I would stop worrying so much about school work. Give them the list of what needs doing, but don’t spend your time battling with them to do it. Leave it for their dad when he comes home to chase them up. Don’t give yourself more stress than you need.

It would be different if your DH was going to be there too but his not so not sure why this falls on you. I would be saying no to HIM and he can deal with the ex wife. To the people saying she shouldn't have got involved with someone with kids if she didn't want to care for them, she does, on her DH time.

Lets get real, if you marry a man with children, or if you marry a woman with children from a previous relationship.

The children do not become yours.

They usually don't call you mum/dad, because you aren't.
You don't have any decision making powers for them, e.g. school, GP, dentists, childcare, extra curricular activities, anything.
You are not in charge of disciplining them as you would your own dc, because a lot of the time it will piss off the parent you don't live with.

But apparently you are expected to be the general drudge and skivvy when expected!

No the children are the responsibility of the parents. It's lovely to have the support of new partners in the upbringing of them, but insisting they are responsible for childcare because you 'married a person with children', no.

The parents need to do what every parent is doing in these situations and work something out for themselves, instead of bullying the step-parent into taking care of children, who in this scenario are difficult to handle and OP is already minding fifty percent of the time.

And I'm speaking as a parent. I'd never expect or want ex's wife to take childcare responsibility of my DC on my time.
That's just so entitled.

Frazzled, you are completely right. These posters suggesting the step children are OPs children now would be the same ones telling her to back off in other scenarios, 'they have a mum' and all the rest of it.

It really is only when it comes to the shit stuff and money that people think step parents are actual parents and need to be involved. In every other aspect they are supposed to leave it to mum and dad.

And maybe mum shouldn't have been a dick to OP in the past lesson learned.

You can't say you don't want someone 'playing family' with your kids and then want them to provide free, full time childcare for you in the same breath. OP is either good enough to play family or she isn't, the ex said she didn't want her doing that so tough luck.

In answer to the PPs asking “What would you do if they were your children?” I think an equally valid question would be “What would the parents do if the children's father didn’t have a partner?”

The OP has done more than her fair share already, and the prospect of anything like this sort of scenario (not that anyone could have predicted COVID and lockdown) would have deterred me from ever becoming involved with a man with children below adulthood.

Don’t do it OP. The mother won’t be thankful and the kids sound like hard work. You’re being good enough to do DH’s days and that is part of the package of being married.

In a 2 parent household they have the same struggles - and they have to find solutions so I don’t see why this is any different.

Marrying someone with kids does not mean you take them on as your own.

I'm divorced. My DS has a stepmum. I expect her to treat DS well, with kindness and make him feel comfortable and welcome in their home at all times. I do not expect her to love him like I do and treat him as her own child, because he isn't. He already has a mum and dad for that.

It is not her job to provide childcare for DS. That's up to me and his dad to sort out. Same in this scenario.

Honestly, in the circumstances I would. I think in difficult and unprecedented situations its nicer when people pull together.

However you're certainly under no obligation and it absolutely shouldn't be expected of you and if you don't want to do it, it is totally your choice.

I kind of think that people who are being paid furlough out of the government’s pocket should all be doing something to ‘earn’ that debt to society, if they aren’t looking after their kids (homeschooling IMO is paying back the furlough and then some!)

Probably an unpopular opinion but I hate hearing about how people on furlough are acting like it’s all a great holiday-it’s quite possibly going to destroy the economy of this country for years to come. Can you not see looking after your step children as your ‘job’ while you’re being fortunate enough to get furlough payment, which makes your husband and their mother able to go to work, pay taxes and contribute something to the economy? Everyone wants something for free but the buck has to stop somewhere with this furlough scheme.

And what doe those who spend years on benefits during normal times do to earn their place?
How do they repay to society?

And I am treating furlough like one big holiday. It's been amazing. I have loved spending this time with my kids and my husband.

Also I pay tax on all my wages. I will pay more tax when I go back. Op doesn't owe BM a damn thing.

She popped them out. She can sort it out.

@Rainycloudyday oh do fuck off. You think people on furlough chose this? Blame the government for ordering businesses to close, not the workers who had no choice in the matter.